AvocadosMax said:

Idk what i wanna do as a career. The dream i have just feels more impossible by the day. I feel like i let my mom, who passed away when i was 5, i let her down. If there is a Heaven then she’s looking down at me and shaking her head. I pushed so many people away with what I perceived as edgy dark humor. I thought it helped me. I thought it mentally made me stronger by laughing at it like its not a problem for me. But acting like this only tucked it under the covers or however you wanna phrase it. And I’ve lost so many friends with my stupid behavior I knew my mental health wasn’t totally solid but since this pandemic its just gotten worse and worse. I thought i’d be prepared because i grew up isolated anyways I feel like I don’t even know who i am anymore. I can’t focus on one thing. I can’t finish a project once i start it. I just wanna run away from this life. I don’t wanna be me anymore.

First off I must say thank you for reaching out. I hope you have also reached out to friends and family to help you out of the dark hole.

I must say that you need to get counselling asap to help you deal with your mental health issues. This is THE #1 priority.

And because of the above you are not ready to consider your career options, not yet. When you have dealt with your mental health issues then seek the career advice of a career counsellor or go seek advice at the school of your interest when you feel ready.

Whenever you're faced with adversity don't ever give up. You never ever know what opportunities the next sunrise in the morning brings. Might take many sunrises but it will come.

As for your mother, just know she is proud of your accomplishments. Talk to her, she can hear you. Ask for her help. Ask for a sign from her.

Love and Light

AvocadosMax said:

Idk what i wanna do as a career. The dream i have just feels more impossible by the day. I feel like i let my mom, who passed away when i was 5, i let her down. If there is a Heaven then she’s looking down at me and shaking her head. I pushed so many people away with what I perceived as edgy dark humor. I thought it helped me. I thought it mentally made me stronger by laughing at it like its not a problem for me. But acting like this only tucked it under the covers or however you wanna phrase it. And I’ve lost so many friends with my stupid behavior I knew my mental health wasn’t totally solid but since this pandemic its just gotten worse and worse. I thought i’d be prepared because i grew up isolated anyways I feel like I don’t even know who i am anymore. I can’t focus on one thing. I can’t finish a project once i start it. I just wanna run away from this life. I don’t wanna be me anymore.

i recently read this book called "becoming supernatural" by joe dispenza and i would be glad to send it to you if you want. its about how behind this world is an infinite swirling blackness of possibility from which everything originates, and how to connect to that source and bring what you want into this world. verrry powerful stuff there. i think prince was hip to this on some level. its related to the writings of neville goddard, a very intriguing philosopher.

another technique i recently learned about is eft (emotional freedom technique) aka tapping, which is a free, easy, powerful thing based on acupressure theory, to help overcome all the trauma the world throws at us. i think there is a how-to video on thetappingsolution.com

i can relate to regretting saying many things for many years, hehe, and congratulations on wanting to change at such a young age changing the present a little bit at a time changes the past and future as well. you realize the power of the spoken word, so keep asking out loud for the way.

some of my personal sources of inspiration are prayer, fasting, the bible, and childrens fantasy books, but i know this is different for everyone. i like that the bible says that people who pass away are asleep. so i think dreams are where we still meet sometimes.

one key thing for me is to differentiate between "life" and "the world." life is breath is always good, and the world is what gets in the way of life. so its ok to want to run inside from the world, to retreat to your life and be renewed, and then reemerge to reshape the world.

i would like to be of help to you. peace.

thanks guys

one other useful thing i thought of is keeping a gratitude journal, and daily giving thanks for at least one thing. i started about a year ago and now there are dozens of things i can think of daily, in spite of the things that go wrong.

also i think if u have big dreams, the bigger the dream is, the longer it can take to build its unseen foundation, so just hold onto it and do what you can when you can, and it will happen.

Hope this helps but stop believing your thoughts!

A lot of things you wrote are made up only by yourself.

You don't know how your mother would think of you now.

Your mind made that up.

Did friends really say: i don't wanna be friends with you because of your edgy dark humor?

Maybe they are still your friends but you think they are not?

Most things we are down about are just made up in our minds.

This helped me alot, hope it does the same for you!