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Thread started 09/01/19 1:01pm

RodeoSchro

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Rate The Last Movie You Watched



Apparently, my wonderful wonderful wonderful wife broke the last thread. There were all these posts applauding her and then BLAM! The thread is DEAD!

I'd better be a lot nicer to her. Honey, if you're reading this, I love you very much and am going to spend way more than I should on our upcoming anniversary. You deserve it!

The first stop in my RodeoSchro Wife Appreciation Tour was taking her and my Favorite Mother-In-Law to see a movie that I knew would be: (1) awesome; and (2) here and gone in a week.

That movie is "Brennan's War".

I was right on #1. I hope I'm wrong on #2. But as some will tell you, I know way more about #2 than anything; in fact, some even think I'm full of #2.

sad

Well, "Brennan's War" is just a great, great movie - IF you like motocross, or the Army, or watching the good guy win.

It's the story of Marshall Brennan (not a real person), who was a champion amateur motocross racer but joined the Army when he found out that he could ride cool electric motorcycles across the Afghanistan countryside, taking out snipers and other baddies.

Which he does, until he accidentally rides over a booby-trap while saving the life of his buddy. They get blown off Brennan's bike, and Brennan wakes up in the hospital. His buddy Riley is still in surgery - Riley's survival is iffy at best.

But Brennan has a seriously messed-up foot anc ankle. No amputation is needed, but the doctor is recommending a medical discharge from the Army, as well as recommending that Brennan never ride a motorcycle again, as the next injury could mean permanent disability, a wheelchair, or worse.

Kind of like Rocky's eye after the first Rocky-Apollo Creed fight. But like Rocky, Brennan ultimately wins the championship.

And c'mon - there is NO WAY I could have spoiled that. Trust me, you will absolutely know what's going to happen in every scene. Except maybe one. But what happens in every scene is what you WANT to happen in every scene. And you will love it!

I urge you to see "Brennan's War" this week. I highly doubt it will be in theaters more than a week but it really is a great movie. If "Blinded By The Light" isn't the feel-good movie of the summer, then "Brennan's War" is.

Oh wait - I forgot to brag about how I was a motocross racer in my youth. Hold that movie rating!

I raced motocross until my dad said I was old enough to start paying for it. Then I switched to basketball, since the costs of a basketball were far less than the cost of a Honda Elsinore 125 and the attendant gear. Also, I was a lot better at basketball than I was at motocross. But I could do an awesome cross-up!

Motocross racers gave up doing cross-ups about the time Supercross was invented, but a cross-up is still the coolest thing you can do on a motorcycle (except for a double back flip). A cross-up is when you hit a jump and in the air, you turn your front wheel one way while leaning the bike the other way. It's much more beautiful that the move guys make now, which is to whip the rear of the bike to the side and then bring it back. To prove that I'm right, here's a cross-up:


s600_pomeroy2_201198.jpg


ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL?!?

It sure is!

Brennan doesn't do any cross-ups; he uses the whip move described above. But I'm not going to fault the film maker for that. It is what it is.

OK, back to the rating:

"Brennan's War" gets 4 1/2 cross-ups out of 5 cross-ups. See it! And hurry!

(I love you, honey!)

Second Funkiest White Man in America

P&R's Palladin
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Reply #1 posted 09/02/19 10:21am

namepeace

The Farewell (2019)

Funny, relatable and poignant family film. Akwafina carries the movie well and the ensemble cast is wonderful. Gets a little too ponderous towards the end but still one of the better films I've seen this year.

starstarstar.25

Good night, sweet Prince | 7 June 1958 - 21 April 2016

Props will be withheld until the showing and proving has commenced. -- Aaron McGruder
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Reply #2 posted 09/02/19 1:44pm

KoolEaze

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Bildergebnis für cloverfield lane

Watched it last night with zero expectations and liked it. I probably would´ve felt a bit disappointed if I had watched it in a cinema but it´s pretty decent. I liked how the people behind the Cloverfield series somehow manage to connect three completely different movies or stories into one series.

This part is more of a psychodrama than a sci-fi flic . I wish the sci-fi portions were longer but that probably would´ve made the movie too long and complicated. John Goodman is really good in this one.

Some questions were left unanswered though. Or maybe I was just too tired while watching it.

Good movie.

3.5 stars .

" I´d rather be a stank ass hoe because I´m not stupid. Oh my goodness! I got more drugs! I´m always funny dude...I´m hilarious! Are we gonna smoke?"




http://kooleasehvac.com/
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Reply #3 posted 09/02/19 6:35pm

gandorb

Maiden
4 out of 4 stars.
Wonderful documentary about the first all women crew to compete in the sail around the world competition. Truly remarkable, as this was back in 1990 when women were never allowed to be part of a crew except for as a cook.
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Reply #4 posted 09/02/19 8:55pm

TrivialPursuit

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Three movies in the last three days. 5 star rating.

Aladdin (2019): * * * * (watching it as its own movie without comparisons wasn't hard, and it worked; some characters had more backstory, quite a few Easter eggs in, plus the Carpet doing the Carlton dance at the end HA)


Night School: * * 1/2 (super disappointed this wasn't more fleshed out as a comedy, especially with funny people like Hart & Haddish in it)

Shazam!: * * * * (being a fan of the TV series long, long ago, this was a fun take on it; other movies like this tried to do it as comedy and they were a bust, think Bewitched and Land of the Lost).

This experience will cover courtship, sex, commitment, fetishes, loneliness, vindication, love, and hate.
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Reply #5 posted 09/03/19 8:20am

2freaky4church
1

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The Heretic. A doc about the pastor Rob Bell, who went from being a fundamentalist to a top liberal pastor. Great man who tears the bible up but still loves it. I don't like his friendship with Oprah, but I do like how he pissed off the right. Jesus and Karl Marx are one.

All you others say Hell Yea!! woot!
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Reply #6 posted 09/03/19 9:34pm

Goddess4Real

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Robin Hood (2018) I really wanted to like this movie because of the cast.......however, it felt was like a another Guy Rtichie knock-off. Too much ham and not enough cheese. I give it a 1 out of 5 popcorn

Keep Calm & Listen To Prince
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Reply #7 posted 09/04/19 8:57am

TrivialPursuit

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TrivialPursuit said:

Three movies in the last three days. 5 star rating.

Aladdin (2019): * * * * (watching it as its own movie without comparisons wasn't hard, and it worked; some characters had more backstory, quite a few Easter eggs in, plus the Carpet doing the Carlton dance at the end HA)


Night School: * * 1/2 (super disappointed this wasn't more fleshed out as a comedy, especially with funny people like Hart & Haddish in it)

Shazam!: * * * * (being a fan of the TV series long, long ago, this was a fun take on it; other movies like this tried to do it as comedy and they were a bust, think Bewitched and Land of the Lost).


We watched
Rocketman last night. Very fun movie. The musical recreations were really well done. Plus seeing Taron having naked gay sexual relations with Richard Madden (aka Rob Stark) was giving me all sorts of gay feels. * * * * 1/2

I forgot to mention he also watched Ready Player One over the (U.S.) holiday weekend. I knew nothing about it or what to expect. It was just fantastic. Being a Gen X, the music and retro references were excellent. You'd have to watch that movie 100x to find all the pop culture references. One of my favorites was the symbol from Greatest American Hero on his headset in the latter sequence. The Atari game was great. The CGI was amazing. When I saw that last year, it sorta put me off, but I decided to watch it anyway. I felt like it pushed the technology envelope forward with what was possible with computers in movies. * * * * *

This experience will cover courtship, sex, commitment, fetishes, loneliness, vindication, love, and hate.
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Reply #8 posted 09/06/19 8:50am

namepeace

Easy Riders, Raging Bulls (2003)

Informative doc on the rise and fall of the auteur directors in film and how they changed Hollywood forever. It contains a lot of great interviews of many of those directors, as well as actors, writers and other figures of the time. Essential watch for cinephiles.

starstarstar.5

Good night, sweet Prince | 7 June 1958 - 21 April 2016

Props will be withheld until the showing and proving has commenced. -- Aaron McGruder
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Reply #9 posted 09/08/19 1:24pm

JoeBala

The Fanatic Review. Please watch.
https://youtu.be/a-uiI_hCoOE
Just Music-No Categories-Enjoy It!
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Reply #10 posted 09/08/19 3:15pm

EmmaMcG

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TrivialPursuit said:



TrivialPursuit said:


Three movies in the last three days. 5 star rating.

Aladdin (2019): * * * * (watching it as its own movie without comparisons wasn't hard, and it worked; some characters had more backstory, quite a few Easter eggs in, plus the Carpet doing the Carlton dance at the end HA)



Night School: * * 1/2 (super disappointed this wasn't more fleshed out as a comedy, especially with funny people like Hart & Haddish in it)

Shazam!: * * * * (being a fan of the TV series long, long ago, this was a fun take on it; other movies like this tried to do it as comedy and they were a bust, think Bewitched and Land of the Lost).





We watched
Rocketman last night. Very fun movie. The musical recreations were really well done. Plus seeing Taron having naked gay sexual relations with Richard Madden (aka Rob Stark) was giving me all sorts of gay feels. * * * * 1/2



I forgot to mention he also watched Ready Player One over the (U.S.) holiday weekend. I knew nothing about it or what to expect. It was just fantastic. Being a Gen X, the music and retro references were excellent. You'd have to watch that movie 100x to find all the pop culture references. One of my favorites was the symbol from Greatest American Hero on his headset in the latter sequence. The Atari game was great. The CGI was amazing. When I saw that last year, it sorta put me off, but I decided to watch it anyway. I felt like it pushed the technology envelope forward with what was possible with computers in movies. * * * * *




My favourite reference in Ready Player One was during the race, when they go past a cinema if you look closely you'll see the the cinema is advertising Jack Slater, the fake Schwarzenegger movie from Last Action Hero.
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Reply #11 posted 09/08/19 4:02pm

onlyforaminute

Mary, Queen of Scots Imma say 3/5 but I must watch it again. Others are well versed in the history of all this, I'm not so I keep getting the Marys' severely mixed up. And I now see Cate Blanchett even Bette Davis as Elizabeth all poised confident. This Elizabeth was a bit clownish and somewhat nervous looking while Mary looked warm and real. Was this Catholic based? The look of the movie was very appealing, granted quite more racially diverse than really was, maybe, which doesn't bother me but I'm sure put off a lot others.
[Edited 9/8/19 16:05pm]
Year of Return 2019
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Reply #12 posted 09/08/19 4:56pm

onlyforaminute

Saving Mr. Banks 4.5/5 This movis gets to me everytime I see it. Moreso than Mary Poppins. I wanna spend a month in THAT hotel room.
[Edited 9/8/19 16:59pm]
Year of Return 2019
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Reply #13 posted 09/09/19 4:37pm

RodeoSchro

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Inspired by onlyforaminute's viewing of "Saving Mr. Banks", I too decided to watch a "Banks" movie. However, I went for Elizabeth Banks and watched "Brightburn". Didn't see that coming, did you!

Now, I couldn't very well tell Mrs. RodeoSchro and my Favorite Mother-In-Law that we were going to watch a movie because it had a hottie like Elizabeth Banks in it, could I? No, I could not! So I went to Plan B and reminded them that while we did not know the star of the movie, Jackson A. Dunn, we (or I) do know Jackson A. Dunn's father, Dennis. He's one of my brother's best friends, so by the Transitive Power of Star Acquaintance, I hereby declare that we know Jackson A. Dunn.

I just read that again. Wow, is that weak. Almost as weak as the plot of "Brightburn" but not quite.

Don't get me wrong - this isn't a bad movie. It's scary; it's got aliens; it's got some really extravagant gore; and it's entertaining. Just don't think about the plot while you're watching it.

I know what my mistake was. I watched "Brightburn" completely sober, thereby rendering all my cognitive powers at their sharpest. Bad mistake; one I hope not to repeat with the next movie. But since I made this mistake with the movie that I am currently reviewing, I feel compelled to set my analytical powers loose and tell you all the plot holes in "Brightburn".

And there are plenty.

Let's start from the start.

Elizabeth Banks and Roy from "The Office" are a married couple living on a Kansas farm. A spaceship crashes in their field and inside is a little baby boy.

However, this space baby's name is not Kal-El.

PLOT HOLE #1 - Banks and Roy from "The Office" raise the boy, telling everyone that "the agency" let them adopt him. Which is bogus and if it's bogus, then how could the boy get things like a Social Security number, which you have to have to get into a public school?

Ten years later, and little space boy Brandon is in school. He's smart so he's naturally made fun of by some other students. But a real pretty girl tells him it's OK, because the smart guys usually get the best girls. Schwing!

Schwings are usually good things but this particular schwing enables Brandon's superpowers.

PLOT HOLE #2 - I think I'm the only one that recognized that it was the schwinging that unleashed not only Brandon's superpowers, but also the alien spaceship waking up and communicating telepathically to Brandon that he needs to kill everyone and destroy the Earth. I can't believe some anti-schwing organization hasn't picked up on this.

Brandon's schwinging also causes some hormones to be released and he appears to become disobedient to Roy from "The Office". Then the whole family goes to the only diner in Brightburn, Kansas for Brandon's birthday party. They meet Brandon's aunt and uncle. I thought the uncle was Mose from "The Office" but it was actually Zeke from "The Office".

PLOT HOLE #3 - Skipping ahead a little here. At one point Brandon kills Mose/Zeke from "The Office" (Even though this actor didn't play Mose in "The Office", I'm referring to him as Mose as well as Zeke from "The Office" because I like the Mose character a lot). When Roy from "The Office" figures out that Brandon had killed Mose/Zeke from "The Office", he says, "He was my friend!" But that's wrong - Mose/Zeke from "The Office" was either Roy from "The Office"'s brother or brother-in-law. He would have referred to Mose/Zeke from "The Office" as one or the other; not as "my friend".

Back to life, back to reality.

Mose/Zeke from "The Office" gives Brandon a rifle for a birthday present but Roy from "The Office" takes it away, saying he'd told Mose/Zeke from "The Office" not to give him a rifle just yet, as he's too young. The NRA disagrees but screw them.

That night, Elizabeth Banks catches Brandon "sleepwalking" in the barn. He's trying to get into the locked trapdoor where they keep the spaceship that Brandon arrived in. She wakes him up but notices the chickens are scared of Brandon. The next day, the door to the chicken coop is found to have been ripped off its hinges and all the chickens were massacred. Elizabeth Banks thinks a wolf did it, but Roy from "The Office" thinks it was Brandon.

In order to get Brandon straight, the whole family goes hunting/camping. Roy from "The Office" takes Brandon out to watch him (Roy from "The Office") shoot stuff and, figuring that hormones are the cause of Brandon's behavior, Roy from "The Office" has The Talk with Brandon.

PLOT HOLE #4 - Not a Plot Hole as much as a Check This Out story. The Talk that Roy from "The Office" has with Brandon is incredibly stupid. But probably not as stupid as The Talk I had with my son. I went through the birds and the bees and then asked my son if he had any questions. He said, "Let's never talk of this again". To this day I don't know if I did a good job or not.

But Roy from "The Office" does a horrible job. After totally confusing Brandon, he finally says, "You have urges and sometimes it's OK to act on those urges". Brandon says, "It is?" Roy from "The Office" replies, "Yes, it is".

So naturally that night, Brandon uses his superspeed and shows up in the bedroom of that girl who was nice to him at school. And just as naturally, this freaks the girl out and she orders him to leave. Bad move, but it gets worse.

The next day at school, Brandon's class has a trust-fall exercise and it turns out Brandon shouldn't have trusted that girl. She sure doesn't trust him; in fact, she lets him fall to the ground and calls him a pervert. The coach makes her apologize and help Brandon up, but he repays that kindness by using his superstrength to totally crush her hand.

The girl's mom is understandably upset and wants Brandon arrested, but the school says he needs to undergo counseling. Of course, since they all live in some podunk town, the counselor is Brandon's aunt. Brandon can hardly wait for that.

That night Brandon sleepwalks again, this time hovering over the open trapdoor (he used his superstrength to break the lock). Elizabeth Banks wakes him up mid-hover, causing him to fall through the trapdoor and fall on the spaceship, cutting his hand in the process. This is the first time Brandon has ever bled or actually been hurt in any way, and he's freaked out by the blood on his hand.

But not as freaked out as discovering that he's an alien who came here from parts unknown in a spaceship. And since Elizabeth Banks and Roy from "The Office" have always told him that he was adopted from "the agency", Brandon gets really mad and calls everyone a liar.

PLOT HOLE #5 - It's at this point that a reasonable set of parents would have calmed Brandon down and done their very best to explain where he came from. Brandon would certainly listen, as his parents are the only people who might have any clue as to his origins. But everyone just gets mad, Brandon translates the alien murmurs he's been hearing as a message to "Take the world", and the killing begins.

First, Brandon superspeeds himself to that pretty girl's bedroom again, bringing her flowers as his way of apologizing. But the girl says that her mother has forbidden her from ever seeing Brandon again. Brandon says, "I'll handle that" which he does by going to the diner where the mom works, toying with her a little, and then killing her and taking her body to parts unknown.

The next day Brandon has his first counseling session with his aunt, who...

PLOT HOLE #6 - ...is a terrible counselor. I mean, really bad. At this point all anyone knows is that Brandon "accidentally" squeezed a girl's hand way too hard but they treat Brandon like he's a criminal. That he is a criminal is beside the point because only you and I know it at this particular time. I guess because of the pretty girl's mother's squaking about arresting Brandon, his aunt says she has to report on his progress or lack thereof to the sheriff. Which is ridiculous. Not only does his aunt fail to ask any real questions of Brandon, she says she has to do something that no counselor would ever have to do. Trust me - I was sent to the principal's office five-count-'em-five times in the third grade and no one ever ratted me out to the fuzz.

Brandon tells his aunt not to report anything to the sheriff but she says that's her job. This understandably upsets Brandon so he superspeeds to her house that night whilst her husband Mose/Zeke from "The Office" is at the bar, playing pool with Roy from "The Office" and the rest of the Brightburn Irregulars.

His aunt is scared but not scared enough to freak out, so she tells Brandon to go home and then she goes to bed. But he doesn't go home, instead superspeeding about the house, planning to do something. However, before Brandon can do whatever he's going to do to his aunt, Mose/Zeke from "The Office" comes home and finds Brandon wearing his scary mask and hiding in the closet.

PLOT HOLE #7 - Brandon has about 538 superpowers and I'm sure he could evaded sight/capture if he wanted to. Why didn't he want to?

For some reason he waits until Mose/Zeke from "The Office" has found him before superspeeding around and levitating about the house. This freaks out Mose/Zeke from "The Office" so he does the logical thing and hauls butt in his truck, leaving his sleeping wife alone and behind.

Mose/Zeke from "The Office" doesn't get very far before Brandon makes his truck die. Then Brandon levitates the truck, drops it, and makes Mose/Zeke from "The Office" die, although not right away. The lower half of Mose/Zeke from "The Office"'s face has been torn away, but he's still alive and...

PLOT HOLE #8 - ...although we are never told how anyone found Mose/Zeke from "The Office", he ends up in the hospital. Which leads us to...

PLOT HOLE #9 - When Mose/Zeke from "The Office" gets home from the bar, the first thing he does is kiss his sleeping wife. She gives a contented smile, meaning that she knows he made it home. But Mose/Zeke from "The Office" dies at the hospital and since no one knew he died because Brandon levitated and dropped his truck, they all think he died driving home from the bar in an intoxicated manner. For this, everyone blames Roy from "The Office" for letting him drive, but Mose/Zeke from "The Office"'s wife knew that Mose/Zeke from "The Office" actually did make it home. No one asks, "If Mose/Zeke from "The Office" actually did make it home, then (a) that means Roy from "The Office" isn't at fault for letting a drunk guy drive; and more importantly (b) why did Mose/Zeke from "The Office" leave his house?

Roy from "The Office" tells Brandon that his Uncle Mose/Zeke from "The Office" has died and Brandon is all like "meh". This proves to Roy from "The Office" that Brandon killed Mose/Zeke from "The Office". So he does the only logical thing and says, "Hey Brandon, old buddy old pal. Let's go hunting!"

PLOT HOLE #10 - Brandon had pushed Roy from "The Office" across the house with his superstrength after Roy from "The Office" had all but accused Brandon of killing Mose/Zeke from "The Office". And then they're going to go hunting? And not even with the rifle that Mose/Zeke from "The Office" had given Brandon, which is the only possible way Brandon would fall for that banana in that tail pipe? Yeah, right.

Brandon in fact does fall for that banana in that tail pipe. So much so that Roy from "The Office" gets Brandon out in the woods and while Brandon is examining some deer tracks, Roy from "The Office" puts a round in Brandon's head. One problem - the bullet was not made from spaceship metal and thus harmlessly bounces off Brandon's head. Irritated, Brandon turns around to see his dad reloading. Figuring that this is the worst Father-Son Bonding Trip ever, Brandon melts Roy from "The Office"'s face with his heat vision.

PLOT HOLE #11 - This movie is really nothing more than "What if Superman landed on Earth but was a real butthole instead of the guy who stands for Truth, Justice and the American Way?"

PLOT HOLE #12 - Different movie entirely, but there is no way Batman could ever kick Superman's butt. No way EVER.

Brandon calls his mom from Roy from "The Office"'s phone but tells his mom that Roy from "The Office" is dead. And he's coming home to see her.

She dials 911, bringing the sheriff and a deputy. Neither survive very long. Elizabeth Banks hides but then figures, "Hey - he's my son. I've already told him I'll love him no matter what. This should give me ample opportunity to kill him". She breaks off a jagged piece of alien spaceship material.

PLOT HOLE #13 - No, there is no way that an alien metal would be impervious to all things space and atmosphere, yet be breakable enough for Elizabeth Banks to snap a piece of it off the nosecone. But she does.

Elizabeth Banks confronts Brandon in the barn, tells him she loves him, and embraces him. The jagged piece of alien metal is in her back pocket.

PLOT HOLE #14 - Picture this: You have a piece of jagged alien space metal in your back pocket. You're hugging a kid with both hands. You remove one hand from the hug, revealing that you have the jagged alien space metal piece in that hand. How did it get there? We'll never know.

What we do know is that just before she stabs Brandon with the magically-appearing piece of alien space metal, he grabs her wrist. The jig's up!

He levitates her right through the roof of the barn. This should have flattened Elizabeth Banks' head and killed her, but at least the director did show that her face got all bloody.

Brandon and Elizabeth Banks fly up to about 31,000 feet whereupon Brandon lets her go. Literally. Or as some might say, LIT-rully. She falls to her death, although if what I read once in Ripley's Believe It or Not! is true, she died from a heart attack way before impact. Or if what I learned in flight school is correct, she actually froze to death before she was dropped. Count those as plot holes if you want.

Having dispatched his mother and still hovering at 31,000 feet, Brandon notices a passenger heading right for him. Perfect! Apaprently the jet hits the Boy of Steel, as the next thing we see is a news report that a passenger jet has crashed directly above the farm of Roy from "The Office" and Elizabeth Banks, and that there are no survivors and that includes Roy from "The Office" and Elizabeth Banks.

PLOT HOLE #15 - No one ever asks, "What happened to their son Brandon?"

The movie ends with news reports of various demolitions by some unknown creature (it's Brandon), while an idiotic Alex Jones-type says that the Lizard People are finally here.

You might think from this long-winded review - and from a world-record number of "The Office" references - that I didn't like "Brightburn". Wrong! Like I said, if you don't think about it at all, "Brightburn" is both scary and pretty entertaining. So here is the only rating one can give to a movie like this:

"Brightburn" gets 2, 3, 4 or Whatever It Takes glasses of your favorite adult beverage out of a possible What Is Your Limit When It Comes To Adult Beverages? Tip a glass or six and enjoy!

Second Funkiest White Man in America

P&R's Palladin
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Reply #14 posted 09/09/19 4:45pm

TrivialPursuit

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In the last few days since my last post:

Otherhood (Netflix): * Great actresses in terribly cast roles. Patricia Arquette as some doting and guilt-tripping Jewish mother, Felicity Huffman has a fragile "my son is gay and didn't tell me" type. Angela Bassett's role was the only one halfway believable, but the whole thing wasn't fleshed out well at all. It jumped around a lot.

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald: * * Slow movie, never really had steam for anything in it. Lot going on, yet not a lot happening in between.

Ma: * * I'm disappointed in this. It was a very slow build up, and the latter 1/3 is rushed. Once you realized why she's bonkers, it's never played out as sinisterly (is that a word?) as it could have. It was a long slow burn, then a quick rip of the band aid. But there's fake Luke Evans peen which is worth at least one star alone.

The Picture of Dorian Gray (1954): Being a Wilde fan, I've never read this book for whatever reason. I knew nothing about it. The movie was really well done. I enjoyed it. I put the book on my Nook.

This experience will cover courtship, sex, commitment, fetishes, loneliness, vindication, love, and hate.
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Reply #15 posted 09/11/19 1:32pm

RodeoSchro

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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

This is a friendly reminder from me, RodeoSchro, your favorite movie reviewer, that there is no such thing as a "dark comedy".

So guess what kind of movie I'm about to review?

In my defense, I didn't know "Pain & Gain" was a dark comedy when I overpaid $3.47 for it at Walmart yesterday. I thought it was an actual comedy about bodybuilders who go bad.

Wrongo bongo!

I should have tossed the video back in the bargain bin when I saw the name "Michael Bay" on it. For a dude that's done a whole lot of popular movies, he hasn't directed any that I liked. The first Transformers was Ok but mainly because it had a 1973 yellow Camaro in it, and I used to drive a 1974 yellow Camaro in highschool. Also, Megan Fox was in it. But I digress.

As stated in the PSA above, there simply is no such thing as a dark comedy. I defy anyone to list a movie that is dark but also has funny lines in it. Don't waste your time. There aren't any. None. Empty set. Every person that's tried to make a dark comedy has failed.

Including Michael Bay.

"Pain & Gain" seemed to have all the ingredients necessary for a good movie. It had The Rock. It had Mark Wahlberg (don't hate, I like Marky Mark). It had bodybuilding. It had a caper based on a true story. What went wrong?

Pretty much everything.

Marky Mark plays an over-the-top musclehead that's freshly out of prison for financial fraud. But he's motivated and seems to have committed himself to hard work, both in the gym and in life its own self.

A smooth talker, he gets a job at an upscale gym and promises to triple its membership in three months, or weeks, or three somethings. Whatever - he does! In a stroke of brilliant marketing, he gives free memberships to strippers. It appears there are a lot of strippers in Miami and soon they're all working out at Marky Mark's gym, which of course brings in the paying customers. Just like in real life! So I'm told.

He gets a promotion and you would think, more money. But the next scene shows him buried under default notices from all his creditors. This does not make sense but Marky Mark does what any motivated fitness fanatic would do - he goes to a real estate investment seminar.

The seminar is put on by Jonny Wu, who is a take-off on legendary infomercial maniac Tom Vu. "You friends are losers!" is a line that got blown out of proportion. In real life Vu used it to describe people who were telling him that he'd never amount to anything.

Well, Ken Jeong is onstage telling everyone that their friends are losers and he's speaking directly to Marky Mark. "Your friends are losers! What are you - a 'doer' or a 'don'ter'?"

Marky Mark is a doer! Which means that what he's going to do is kidnap a rich guy and make the rich guy sign over all his assets to Marky Mark and his Funky Bunch. All he needs now is a Funky Bunch, and then a rich guy.

He recruits The Rock (in a rare disappointing role) and some trainer from his old gym who's destroyed his testicles with the only steroids in the world that apparently destroy your testicles but DON'T add any muscle to you. This guy is NOT ripped, NOT jacked, NOT swole, NOT anything. Bro, do you even lift?

They decide to rip off a guy named Victor. This is a GIANT stretch from what these guys had been doing. Bay takes great pains to show that Marky Mark is a highly-motivated, gone-straight guy. I guess he wanted us to like Marky Mark but when Marky Mark goes off the deep end, there really isn't any logical reason given for that.

But who cares - it's a dark comedy!

They got the "dark" part down. The "comedy"? Not so much. Like I said, it's just impossible to be funny while also being dark.

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch kidnap Victor, who is blindfolded but immediately figures out that it's Marky Mark. They torture him for a month, during which Victor ultimately signs over his assets and whatnot. So what's next?

Eh - gotta kill Victor. The Rock is a born-again Christian but somehow is convinced that killing Victor does not violate any of the Ten Commandments, so Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch:

1. Pour a gallon of booze down Victor's throat
2. Strap him into his car, mash on the accelerator, and run him into a concrete pole
3. But The Rock had helpfully seatbelted Victor in, so Victor survives. Whereupon,
4. Marky Mark douses the car with gasoline, sets it on fire, and watches it blow up
5. But the front seat doesn't blow up, and Victor gets out of the car
6. So they use their van to run over Victor
7. Twice

That should do it!

It doesn't.

But Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch don't know that, so they drive away and set about spending all the money they stole from Victor. Marky Mark takes over Victor's house and boat; the non-working testicle dude marries Rebel Wilson, who works at Testicle Regeneration Facility; and The Rock goes back to snorting cocaine and dating strippers.

Not surprisingly, about a month later Marky Mark is the only guy with any money left over. But he wants to help out the Funky Bunch, so they plan another operation.

While all this is happening, Victor somehow makes it to a hospital. The cops come, but - and this is true, it happened this way in real life - because Victor is a scummy, rude a-hole, they don't believe a word of his story. They figure it's a drug deal/sex toys operation gone bad, so they dismiss Victor's pleas to arrest Marky Mark.

I forget how Victor finds Ed Harris, but he does and it takes Ed Harris awhile to believe Victor too but he eventually does and starts working on the case.

Let's talk about Ed Harris for a minute. What an underrated actor! And by "underrated" I mean "I haven't seen enough of his films". I've seen "The Right STuff" and "Run All Night". He was tremendous in both films. But incredibly, on Harris's wikipedia page, the summary of what he did each year does not include "Run All Night" in 2015! Who do I sue?!?

Harris is going to be in "Top Gun: Maverick" so if you didn't already believe it's the odds-on winner for Best Picture of 2020, you do now.

The other thing I like about Ed Harris is that he aged. He didn't go in for face lifts, or Botox, or waxing, or whatever dudes try to do stave off the natural aging process (leave hair paint out of this. I've already told you it's like crack.).

While Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch are carrying out their next operation, Harris is closing in. But not fast enough to prevent the killings of the man and wife targeted by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch for swindling. But sadly, even though Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch killed the man and his wife, they didn't get any assets signed over to them. Not only that, but they didn't even get the right combination to the dead dude's safe. Other than stealing his purple Lamborghini, it's a total loss.

It turns out their whole lives are total losses, because Ed Harris has finally convinced the cops of the guilt of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, so the cops arrest everyone - or try to. But Marky Mark escapes, hops in Victor's boat, and zips over to the Bahamas in order to clean out Victor's off-shore haven. And he does! However, the cops show up and this time they nab him.

At the trial, The Rock reverts back to Christianity and turns states' evidence on the rest of the Funky Bunch. That really happened, and he gets only 15 years. The real guy - or actually, guys - on whom The Rock's character is based are now free and moving about in society. Don't you feel safe?

Rebel Wilson divorces the deformed testicle guy so she can testify against him and also make fun of his willy. I doubt that really happened; at least, I doubt the willy-shaming part. In both the movie and in real life, deformed testical guy got the death penalty.

Marky Mark also got the death penalty. Plus an extra 30 days for "being an a#$hole to a prison guard". Ha ha, I guess. Oh - and that really happened. Both the death penalty part, and the 30 days for being an a#$hole part. Both Marky Mark and the deformed testicle guy are still alive and in prison, appealing their death penalty sentences.

"Pain & Gain" could have been a good movie if Bay had made the bad guys truly bad, and Victor truly good. For what it's worth, the real Victor says he IS a good guy - despite being arrested for Medicare fraud literally the minute the trial of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch ended.

But there are no good guys here (except for Ed Harris but his part is too small to count) and there sure aren't any funny guys either. So what you ultimately have is two hours of looking at Marky Mark and The Rock in tank tops and t-shirts. Some may rate that as a perfect movie, plot be damned. However, as an accredited Movie Reviewer, I can't do that.

Rating "Pain & Gain" as an accredited Movie Reviewer, I have to give it 1.5 Phony Movie Reviewer Accreditations out of a possible 5 Phony Movie Reviewer Accreditations. Watch "Pumping Iron" instead!

Second Funkiest White Man in America

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Reply #16 posted 09/11/19 2:01pm

onlyforaminute

TrivialPursuit said:

In the last few days since my last post:

Otherhood (Netflix): * Great actresses in terribly cast roles. Patricia Arquette as some doting and guilt-tripping Jewish mother, Felicity Huffman has a fragile "my son is gay and didn't tell me" type. Angela Bassett's role was the only one halfway believable, but the whole thing wasn't fleshed out well at all. It jumped around a lot.

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald: * * Slow movie, never really had steam for anything in it. Lot going on, yet not a lot happening in between.

Ma: * * I'm disappointed in this. It was a very slow build up, and the latter 1/3 is rushed. Once you realized why she's bonkers, it's never played out as sinisterly (is that a word?) as it could have. It was a long slow burn, then a quick rip of the band aid. But there's fake Luke Evans peen which is worth at least one star alone.

The Picture of Dorian Gray (1954): Being a Wilde fan, I've never read this book for whatever reason. I knew nothing about it. The movie was really well done. I enjoyed it. I put the book on my Nook.




Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald I had an eh feeling when I saw it in the theater I've watched it a few times since and i love it. Im looking forward to all the movies in this series even though I'm not really a Potter fan.
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Reply #17 posted 09/13/19 7:14pm

Goddess4Real

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Bros: After the Screaming Stops (2018) A documentary about the rise, the fall and the reunion of Bros, who at one point in the late 80s was the biggest boy bands in the world.I found this to be touching, absurd and captivating at the same time.However, I know that the third member Craig Logan didn't want to take part in the reunion, but I wished they talked about him in this documentary, because out of the 3 members of the group he turned out to be the most successful business wise. As a result I don't think you get the complete story of Bros without acknowledging his contributions. I give this a 3 out of 5 popcorn

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[Edited 9/13/19 19:14pm]

[Edited 9/16/19 21:27pm]

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Reply #18 posted 09/13/19 8:35pm

onlyforaminute

Stan & Ollie 4/5. I loved loved loved watching Laurel & Hardy movies on late night tv when I was a teen.
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Reply #19 posted 09/15/19 9:50am

onlyforaminute

Welcome to Marwen. 3.5/5 what I thought was going to turn dark and tragic turned enlightened and hopeful
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Reply #20 posted 09/15/19 10:02am

TrivialPursuit

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I just watched my 1,850th movie. Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again. It was what it was. But hearing Cher sing "Fernando" was worth the watch.

The Hippopotamus 4 out of 5. It was an interesting story but really did serve as a vehicle for Stephen Fry's atheism.

This experience will cover courtship, sex, commitment, fetishes, loneliness, vindication, love, and hate.
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Reply #21 posted 09/15/19 10:02am

RodeoSchro

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Yesterday I got up early and, after watching a little College Gameday, clicked up to a Western Movies channel because I saw it was playing "Bar 20 Rides Again". To quote Johnny Nelson, "Yippee!!!"

Although this is a movie review, since it's written by me, it needs some background. Background on me, of course.

In between watching 80's comedies and Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, I read a lot. I mean a lot. A book a week, usually. I like fiction and I get on author jags. If I find an author I like, I read everything they've ever written before moving on to another author. The first author I jagged was Louis L'Amour.

He's written about 104 books, and I've read them all. Most of them twice. Including the 4 Hopalong Cassidy novels he wrote, which are great. But Louis L'Amour didn't invent Hoppy - an author named Clarence Mulford did.

So when I was at an antique store in Colorado and saw some original Mulford Hopalong Cassidy books, I pounced! And they were worth the pouncing! The writing style is so cool, and the characters just come alive.

Hopalong Cassidy works at the Bar 20 Ranch as the foreman. In the Mulford novels, he was a real pistol - definitely NOT a man of manners. But onscreen, they cleaned him up a lot. The action, however, remains the same.

The Bar 20 is full of awesome characters - Red Connors, Hoppy's best friend; Johnny Nelson, the young buck with a quick temper; and various other red-blooded American cowboys. Basically they punch cattle and have adventures, almost all of which involve taking care of cattle rustlers.

And that's the plot of "Bar 20 Rides Again".

Hoppy gets a letter from his old friend Jim Arnold saying that Arnold is being beset upon by rustlers, and would he and Red come help? Of course they would! Hoppy and the Bar 20 guys love shooting up rustlers. But one thing - Arnold says not to bring Johnny Nelson because his daughter Margaret - who Johnny is in love with - has fallen in love with some Eastern dandy.

Naturally, when Johnny is told not to go, he goes anyway.

It turns out the Eastern dandy is also the head rustler, operating under the name of "Nevada". His gang is ultimately disposed of, he loses Margaret's love, and then one of his own guys shoots him dead.

HOWEVER - the amazing thing about this is that the Eastern dandy snorts cocaine several times during the movie!

He has this little container that he holds to his nose and sniffs. It's gotta be cocaine. I guess cocaine wasn't illegal in 1935? I don't know, but snorting definitely occured and no one really cared. (NOTE: It turns out cocaine was outlawed by the Harrison Narcotics Act of 1914. So what WAS the Eastern dandy snorting up his nose?!?)

So to sum it all up: Never go up against Hoppy and the Bar 20 gang. And drugs will get you killed.

"Bar 20 Rides Again" is one of the 66 Hopalong Cassidy movies that were made, but it's the only one I've seen, and it follows one of the Mulford books I've read, so it's the best Hopalong Cassidy movie I've ever seen or probably ever will see.

I'm giving "Bar 20 Rides Again" 4 Johnny Nelson "Yippee!!!!!"s out of a possible 5 Johnny Nelson "Yippee!!!!!"s. Oh - and Johnny ended up with the girl. Yippee!



.

[Edited 9/15/19 10:05am]

Second Funkiest White Man in America

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Reply #22 posted 09/16/19 1:20pm

onlyforaminute

First Man. 3.5/5. Slow movie but that whole first step on the moon scene was one of the best insight scenes I have ever seen. I felt like I had a glimpse of what that moment was like and then laugh to see Buzz bouncing off in the background.
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Reply #23 posted 09/16/19 7:59pm

TrivialPursuit

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Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again - what a bummer. The bouncing back n' forth between the present & the past was very confusing at first. Then it's all this hubbub which leads to nothing basically. I'm barely giving it one star, and that's only because Cher was in the last 20-ish minutes of the movie and sang "Fernando", which was divine.

This experience will cover courtship, sex, commitment, fetishes, loneliness, vindication, love, and hate.
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Reply #24 posted 09/16/19 9:53pm

Goddess4Real

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Paint Your Wagon (1969) This is my all-time fav film of Clint Eastwood because he gets to sing 3 songs and shows a ligher side of his screen persona. The cinematography and set locations were amazing and I loved the catchy soundtrack (Gold Fever, I Talk to the Trees, They Call the Wind Mariah are a standout). Plus the cast is great, especially Lee Marvin as the gruff the Ben Rumson, and his version of Wandering Sky is truly unforgetable nod I give this rip roaring western musical a 4.5 out of 5 popcorn

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[Edited 9/16/19 21:56pm]

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