I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days

and doesn't die.
I like work.

It fascinates me.

I sit and look at it for hours.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out

between my ex-wife and me.

After all, I'm a Libra

and she's a bitch.
I always take life with a grain of salt,

...plus a slice of lemon,

...and a shot of tequila.
Never hit a man with glasses.

Hit him with a baseball bat.
There's a fine line between cuddling

and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive.

Now I'm not sure.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
When tempted to fight fire with fire,

remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You are such a good friend that

if we were on a sinking ship together

and there was only one life jacket...

I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy,

and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry."

He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"

I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Knowledge is power,

and power corrupts.

So study hard and be evil.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
With sufficient thrust,

pigs fly just fine.
To be sure of hitting the target,

shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
A bargain is something you don't need

at a price you can't resist.
Some people hear voices..

Some see invisible people..

Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A TV can insult your intelligence,

but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
If winning isn't everything

why do they keep score?
Virginity is like a soapbubble,

one prick and it is gone.
If at first you don't succeed,

skydiving is not for you!

purplethunder3121 said:

but...

if at first you don't succeed...