A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich.

He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts,

"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter

and you didn't pay for the food!"

The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary to panda,

"A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin,

characterized by distinct black and white coloring.

Eats shoots, and leaves."

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time,

and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp.

He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it,

a genie comes out of the lamp and says,

“I want to know the person you hate the most.”

The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?”

“I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes,

but whatever you wish for,

your ex-wife will get double that amount.”

“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”

“Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”

“I wish for a mansion in California

with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”

“Granted, and your ex-wife gets two."

"Now make your final wish.”

The explorer walks around for a few minutes,

returns to the genie with a stick, and says,

“You see this stick?

I’d like you to beat me half to death.”

Bob goes to see his friend Pete.

He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere.

"What are you doing!" asks Bob.

Pete stops dancing & says,

"My wife has been ignoring me lately so

I talked to my psychiatrist and he said

I needed to do some thing sexy

to a tractor."

"you can always change your underwear."