"I want to see some asses wigglin'... I want perfection!"

somebody comented on why i run my jokes together (no doubt a noobie)

and i always have to think back to 'Nana's Open-Mic'

and it went a lil somethin like this:

bananacologne
'Nanas Open-Mic Comedy Revue

"Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.

A jumper lead walks into a bar. The barman says

"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.

A woman comes up to him and says

"What are you supposed to be?"

The man says "A premature ejaculation."

"What?" says the woman.

The man explains

"I've just come in my underpants."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other:

"Does this taste funny to you?"

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor. The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well...It's not unusual..."
Stay with me folks - they get progressively worse... smile

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly

"I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

Anyone getting Deja Moo here? The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before? smile.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him".

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?

"No, because he's really heavy"

Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom boom!

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family,

so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I went to the butchers the other day and

I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

And he said, "No, you're right"

he said, "the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

He was pulled in by a strong currant.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week ... and pulled a mussel.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van

covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

Thanku very much ladies & gentlemen, u have been a wonderful audience! lol

Next up ladies and gentlemen, we have..."

the good old days...

Your jokes run together?

Didn't know your were British Kingbad, learning something new here everyday...

S2DG said:

Your jokes run together?

Didn't know your were British Kingbad, learning something new here everyday...

you have me confused with the jokes

i'm just international like that....

"KingBAD… don't call me baby, and get out of my house you creep!"

KingBAD said:

S2DG said:

Your jokes run together?

Didn't know your were British Kingbad, learning something new here everyday...

you have me confused with the jokes

i'm just international like that....

"KingBAD… don't call me baby, and get out of my house you creep!"

LOL! I see words like "Blimey" and I had to wonder.

Keep up the funny, the world needs KINGBAD!

S2DG said:

KingBAD said:

you have me confused with the jokes

i'm just international like that....

"KingBAD… don't call me baby, and get out of my house you creep!"

LOL! I see words like "Blimey" and I had to wonder.

Keep up the funny, the world needs KINGBAD!

Oooooooooooo you should here me talk

1. 
   
2. Are you French because Eiffel for you.
3. Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
4. Are you religious? Cause you’re the answer to all my prayers.
5. Hey, tie your shoes! I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
6. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
7. What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
8. Somebody call the cops, because it’s got to be illegal to look that good!
9. I must be a snowflake, because I've fallen for you.
10. I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
11. If you were a steak you would be well done.
12. Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.
13. Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
14. My love for you is like diarrhoea, I just can't hold it in.
15. Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven is a long way from here.
16. There is something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
17. If you were a library book, I would check you out.
18. Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us
19. If I were to ask you out on a date, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
20. If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?
21. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
22. I must be in a museum, because you truly are a work of art.
23. You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
24. My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
25. Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
26. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
27. Are you a beaver? Cause daaaaaaaaam!
28. Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
29. Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? (hold up a mirror)
30. Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
31. Even if there wasn't gravity on earth, I'd still fall for you.
32. Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
33. I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
34. We're not socks. But I think we'd make a great pair.
35. Your lips look so lonely…Would they like to meet mine?
36. Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cause you’ve got fine written all over you.
37. Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
38. If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don't worry I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.
39. I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
40. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
41. Pinch me, you’re so fine I must be dreaming.
42. If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable.
43. How much does a polar beat weight? Enough to break the ice!
44. Are you a 90 degree angle? Cause you are looking right!
45. Nice to meet you, I’m (your name) and you are... gorgeous!
46. If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
47. Are you Israeli? Cause you Israeli hot.
48. On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
49. Did it hurt? When you fell out of heaven?
50. If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together.
51. Remember me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve met you only in my dreams.
52. Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
53. Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
54. I’ve been wondering, do your lips taste as good as they look.
55. Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte.
56. Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
57. Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
58. Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
59. Do you generate electricity with water through the process of hydro power? Because dammmm.
60. Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
61. Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

XxAxX said:

2. Are you French because Eiffel for you.
3. Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
4. Are you religious? Cause you’re the answer to all my prayers.
5. Hey, tie your shoes! I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
6. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
7. What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
8. Somebody call the cops, because it’s got to be illegal to look that good!
9. I must be a snowflake, because I've fallen for you.
10. I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
11. If you were a steak you would be well done.
12. Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.
13. Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
14. My love for you is like diarrhoea, I just can't hold it in.
15. Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven is a long way from here.
16. There is something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
17. If you were a library book, I would check you out.
18. Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us
19. If I were to ask you out on a date, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
20. If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?
21. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
22. I must be in a museum, because you truly are a work of art.
23. You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
24. My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
25. Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
26. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
27. Are you a beaver? Cause daaaaaaaaam!
28. Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
29. Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? (hold up a mirror)
30. Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
31. Even if there wasn't gravity on earth, I'd still fall for you.
32. Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
33. I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
34. We're not socks. But I think we'd make a great pair.
35. Your lips look so lonely…Would they like to meet mine?
36. Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cause you’ve got fine written all over you.
37. Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
38. If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don't worry I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.
39. I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
40. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
41. Pinch me, you’re so fine I must be dreaming.
42. If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable.
43. How much does a polar beat weight? Enough to break the ice!
44. Are you a 90 degree angle? Cause you are looking right!
45. Nice to meet you, I’m (your name) and you are... gorgeous!
46. If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
47. Are you Israeli? Cause you Israeli hot.
48. On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
49. Did it hurt? When you fell out of heaven?
50. If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together.
51. Remember me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve met you only in my dreams.
52. Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
53. Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
54. I’ve been wondering, do your lips taste as good as they look.
55. Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte.
56. Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
57. Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
58. Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
59. Do you generate electricity with water through the process of hydro power? Because dammmm.
60. Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
61. Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

Did you read a pick-up artist book?

Is it hot in here or is it just you?