Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer.

You have a gun with just two bullets in it.

What do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he''s dead.

"the org… the more you drink, the better I sound..."

What's the difference between a regular toad and a horny toad?

One says, ''Rib-it, rib-it,''

while the other says, ''Rub-it, rub-it.''

People do say stupid things.

Like when someone you live with is going out,

and they go, 'I'll be back.'

Don't rub it in.

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos,

so she asks him what it's for.

He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately buys one for herself.

The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Soup and ice cream."

You know,

the thing about your family is you're connected forever

by blood relation to a group of folks who are really

not your kind of people.

It's always better to have people think you're crazy rather than stupid 'cause stupid sucks.

Nobody's nice to stupid people.

Nobody even feels bad for them.

If you're stupid, people just go,

'What are you -- stupid?

You stupid sh*t.'

[Edited 4/5/19 9:45am]

I heard about the woman who asked her co-workers, "What's the greatest thing humans ever invented?"

One person said, "The wheel".

Another person said, "The printing press".

A blonde said, "A Thermos mug". Her friends were understandably perplexed but the blonde said, "Think about it. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold. How does it know which is which?"


********************************************************

A guy gets a job as a lumberjack. He starts work on Tuesday and does the work of three men. He's incredible. But he calls the following Monday and says, "I can't come into today, I'm sick".

He shows up on Tuesday and once again out-works everyone by far. But once again, he calls the following Monday and says, "I can't come into today, I'm sick".

This cycle repeats itself for four weeks and finally his boss calls him in. "Bill," he says, "when you're here, you out-work the rest of the guys. But you call in sick every Monday. I have to ask - do you have a problem we can help you with? Drugs? Gambling? What is it?"

Bill says, "Oh no, it's not like that. You see, my sister has an abusive husband. He gets paid Friday, drinks his whole paycheck Friday night, and then comes home and ends up beating up my sister.

"She leaves him and comes to my place. I comfort her and well...one thing leads to another and we spend all weekend in bed. After 48 hours of love-making, I'm just too worn out to come in on Monday."

The boss said, "Bill, that is disgusting!"

And Bill says, "Hey, I told you I was sick!"

*********************************************************

Three guys die and end up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Fellows, we're a little backed up today and I can only let one of you in. What I'll do is, whoever has the most interesting story of how they died - that's the guy that gets in today".

The first guy says, "Well, listen to this. I lived on the 14th story of a high-rise. I was certain my wife was cheating on me, so I came home unexpectedly in the middle of the afternoon, hoping to catch her and her lover. But I didn't see anyone; that is, until I went to our balcony. Hanging onto the ledge by his fingertips was a man! Aha! I started stomping on his fingers but he wouldn't let go. I got my hammer and smashed his fingers and finally the guy fell. But he tell into some hedges! He was OK! So I pushed our refrigerator all the way out of the condo and over the rail, so it would crush him to death. But just as I got the refrigerator over the rail and it started to fall, I had a massive heart attack and, well, here I am".

"Incredible!" said St. Peter. Turning to the second man he asked, "What's your story?"

The second man said, "I lived on the 18th story of a high-rise, and I liked to exercise on my balcony. But I lost my balance and fell over the rail. I thought I was dead but I was able to grab onto the ledge four stories below me! However, I couldn't pull myself up but just then a man appeared. I thought I was saved but imagine my surprise when he started stomping on my fingers! I wasn' about to let go but he got a hammer and smashed my fingers to smithereens. I just couldn't hold on, and I fell. But I landed in some hedges! I was OK! Just as I was thanking my lucky stars I looked up and saw a refrigerator coming right at me! And well...here I am".

"Unbelievable!" said St. Peter. He asked the third man, "How can you possibly top those stories?"

The third man said, "Picture this: I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator..."


.

]

[Edited 4/5/19 7:40am]

I thought KB was telling a story and he got 45 different jokes wrapped up in that short blurb.

RS I ain't laughing at the 2nd one. But i am dying to know who got thdough the pearly gates.

RodeoSchro said:

I heard about the woman who asked her co-workers, "What's the greatest thing humans ever invented?"

One person said, "The wheel".

Another person said, "The printing press".

A blonde said, "A Thermos mug". Her friends were understandably perplexed but the blonde said, "Think about it. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold. How does it know which is which?"


********************************************************

A guy gets a job as a lumberjack. He starts work on Tuesday and does the work of three men. He's incredible. But he calls the following Monday and says, "I can't come into today, I'm sick".

He shows up on Tuesday and once again out-works everyone by far. But once again, he calls the following Monday and says, "I can't come into today, I'm sick".

This cycle repeats itself for four weeks and finally his boss calls him in. "Bill," he says, "when you're here, you out-work the rest of the guys. But you call in sick every Monday. I have to ask - do you have a problem we can help you with? Drugs? Gambling? What is it?"

Bill says, "Oh no, it's not like that. You see, my sister has an abusive husband. He gets paid Friday, drinks his whole paycheck Friday night, and then comes home and ends up beating up my sister.

"She leaves him and comes to my place. I comfort her and well...one thing leads to another and we spend all weekend in bed. After 48 hours of love-making, I'm just too worn out to come in on Monday."

The boss said, "Bill, that is disgusting!"

And Bill says, "Hey, I told you I was sick!"

*********************************************************

Three guys die and end up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Fellows, we're a little backed up today and I can only let one of you in. What I'll do is, whoever has the most interesting story of how they died - that's the guy that gets in today".

The first guy says, "Well, listen to this. I lived on the 14th story of a high-rise. I was certain my wife was cheating on me, so I came home unexpectedly in the middle of the afternoon, hoping to catch her and her lover. But I didn't see anyone; that is, until I went to our balcony. Hanging onto the ledge by his fingertips was a man! Aha! I started stomping on his fingers but he wouldn't let go. I got my hammer and smashed his fingers and finally the guy fell. But he tell into some hedges! He was OK! So I pushed our refrigerator all the way out of the condo and over the rail, so it would crush him to death. But just as I got the refrigerator over the rail and it started to fall, I had a massive heart attack and, well, here I am".

"Incredible!" said St. Peter. Turning to the second man he asked, "What's your story?"

The second man said, "I lived on the 18th story of a high-rise, and I liked to exercise on my balcony. But I lost my balance and fell over the rail. I thought I was dead but I was able to grab onto the ledge four stories below me! However, I couldn't pull myself up but just then a man appeared. I thought I was saved but imagine my surprise when he started stomping on my fingers! I wasn' about to let go but he got a hammer and smashed my fingers to smithereens. I just couldn't hold on, and I fell. But I landed in some hedges! I was OK! Just as I was thanking my lucky stars I looked up and saw a refrigerator coming right at me! And well...here I am".

"Unbelievable!" said St. Peter. He asked the third man, "How can you possibly top those stories?"

The third man said, "Picture this: I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator..."


.

]

[Edited 4/5/19 7:40am]

onlyforaminute said:

I thought KB was telling a story and he got 45 different jokes wrapped up in that short blurb. RS I ain't laughing at the 2nd one. But i am dying to know who got thdough the pearly gates.

"Good! Now give her the EYES! ... Please!"

you been here onlyforaminnit and eventually

you'll get the hang of it onlyforaminute

and then you may get it onlyforaminnit

because i can be bored onlyforaminnite

onlyforaminute....

BADD!!!

onlyforaminute said:

I thought KB was telling a story and he got 45 different jokes wrapped up in that short blurb.

RS I ain't laughing at the 2nd one. But i am dying to know who got thdough the pearly gates.

I'd vote for the second guy, because he was the only one that didn't do anything wrong. The first guy attempted murder, and third guy was probably Donald Trump.

HuMpThAnG said:

BADD!!!

MahMufukkkAh....