XxAxX said:

kpowers said:

My mom is in hospice now, kidney failure

thank you

kpowers said:

luvsexy4all said:

my mom was murdered .,...anf guilty party wont be legally prosecuted

So sorry to hear that

thanx..and theys still on the loose..to wreck havoc on the world

luvsexy4all said:

kpowers said:

So sorry to hear that

thanx..and theys still on the loose..to wreck havoc on the world

More than one person involved???

kpowers said:

luvsexy4all said:

thanx..and theys still on the loose..to wreck havoc on the world

More than one person involved???

yes..

kpowers said:

PennyPurple said:

Oh no, so sorry to hear this.

Thanks, she's been sick for a long time now

I'm sorry to hear this, too. Hope you're holding up through this most difficult time...and, most of all your Mom.

luvsexy4all said:

my mom was murdered .,...anf guilty party wont be legally prosecuted

My heart goes out to you--that is the absolute worst.

benni said:

purplethunder3121 said:

My father was just diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and will see a doctor about targeted chemo on Tuesday. There are, of course, health issues related to that; if he has Pancreatic cancer, he probably doesn't have more than a few months. The biggest issue is my step-mother who I don't think has been diagnosed for Alzheimer's at all... She has short-term memory loss at this point from what I'm told, stays up all night, and doesn't want to leave the house. Thank you for suggesting the organizations that you did; we will certainly look into all services that they qualify for.

Pancreatic cancer is a b*tch. I'm sorry, purple. It is rough.

Here are some resources that may help:

https://www.cancercare.or...assistance

(If he qualifies they can help with treatment related costs, such as transportation and home care, and another program to help with co-payment costs. They also provide a link to some other resources available.)

The Pancreas Foundation has a lot of good information, but they also have a good list for available financial resources (because out of pocket expenses can get crazy):

https://pancreasfoundatio...-websites/


Make sure to have plenty of Ensure or Boost (nutritional supplements), because with the chemo it's going to be difficult for him to eat and get enough nutrients.

Here is an online support group that might be of benefit for you or your dad. I've found that online support systems have a wealth of information to share, things that worked for them, things that helped the family cope, etc.:

https://www.smartpatients...tic-cancer


Here is a list of veggies that are said to be good for people with pancreatic cancer:

https://www.pancan.org/ne...-patients/

Regarding your step-mom, the staying up all night worries me a bit, because I'm wondering if she is "Sundowning", which is often related to dementia. Does she seem to get more confused at night? More irritable? Does she seem to pace more at night?

purple, I'm sending you a lot of love. Make sure to take care of you during this. And if you can, get more family involved, sharing the responsibilities helps caregivers tremendously. (Though, I've often found that it tends to fall more on one person, but if you have a close family, others may want to help, so don't be afraid to ask them.)

[Edited 3/2/19 8:34am]

Thank you again so much for your list of resources, Benni! I know you have dealt with this in your profession and I really appreciate you taking the time to respond because you have your own stuff to deal with. Regarding my step-mom--yes, it does sound like she is "sun-downing" from what I have heard from my sister... Would that be Alzheimer's or could it be a different type of dementia? She is more confused, anxious, and irritable at night from what I heard. She really has to be evaluated; of course, I can't try to deal with any of this until I'm physically there in two weeks. I last visited five years ago and there was no sign of any of these symptoms then, so this is fairly recent from what my Dad described last year. My sister, brother, and I are all going to try and deal with this situation together--but the burden will fall more on them since they only live a couple of hours away...and I live thousands of miles away...

EmmaMcG said:

My mother died from cancer 5 years ago at the grand old age of 42. There's really not much you can do other than just be there for them. Talk to them. If they're religious, you can reassure them that they'll be OK. Basically, just try to make them as comfortable as possible. I know it's not easy but your presence alone will be a big help for them at least. I wish I had more advice for you but that's all I have. If you have any other siblings, use them for support. My brother was 18 when our mother died and he was the strongest one of the lot. I was really very proud of him for that. He looked after our little sister, who was 10 at the time. I was completely useless due to other things that had happened around that time so I was very grateful for him.

purplethunder3121 said:

Just bought a plane ticket to go and relieve my sister--my Dad has cancer and his wife--my stepmother--has early signs of Alzheimers. I'm about to go into living hell--can someone help with suggestions? Benni--are you still here? I want to help but I'm going to have to deal with a situation I haven't had to in many years (cancer) but the Alzheimer's is throwing me for a loop... Any helpful recommendations... Thanks.

Positive thoughts, prayers and well wishes to you and your family, purplethunder. The only advice i can really offer is basically what MoBettaBliss said. And that is to be as selfless as possible. No two ways about it, you are going to be burdened. God, fate, life, etc, has put you in this position(support system) for a reason. And that is(in part, or in whole) to be of service. And the only way that is going to work(as good as it possibly can) is to be as compassionate as you can.

My mother died unexpectedly(6 years ago), and just about every day i wish i had approached that situation in a more selfless and compassionate way. My mom went into the hospital on a Monday and died that Friday. The Wednesday before her death, i had a conversation with one of the nurses and the nurse was telling me all the things that my mother wasn't doing to speed up her recovery and release from the hospital(after having neck surgery). So i immediately call my mother and start telling her what she should be doing to get released. And I'll never ever ever forget what happened next. My mother started crying and stating that she physically couldn't do what the nurses were telling her to do. The discomfort(physical and emotional) was too great. Because of my frustration with the whole situation(dealing with the nurses and doctors, and starting to get really worried about my mom's deteriorating condition), i was forceful in telling my mom that she had to try to do what the nurses were requesting her to do. And as a response, my mom started physically crying(as i mentioned before) and repeating "oh God, oh God", over and over.... She WAS in immense distress, and SHE WAS RIGHT(as opposed to the nurses, doctors, and to a certain extent, even me). So... i then ask my mom to hand the phone back to the nurse(and commence to go off on her-the nurse). And two days later my mother was dead. So while she was alive, those are the last words and memories that i have of her(i never got a chance to talk to her again). Every day(when i do think about it) i wish i could go back and handle that encounter differently. I wish i would have been less concerned with my burdens and feelings, and more concerned with my mother's well being and comfort. I had a opportunity to be that support. And although i was, i wish i had done more. And as i mentioned, i'll never completely get over it.

And that is my experience.

Prayers and support, purplethunder3121. Stay strong in your struggles.

[Edited 3/2/19 17:46pm]

JoeyC said:

purplethunder3121 said:

Just bought a plane ticket to go and relieve my sister--my Dad has cancer and his wife--my stepmother--has early signs of Alzheimers. I'm about to go into living hell--can someone help with suggestions? Benni--are you still here? I want to help but I'm going to have to deal with a situation I haven't had to in many years (cancer) but the Alzheimer's is throwing me for a loop... Any helpful recommendations... Thanks.

Positive thoughts, prayers and well wishes to you and your family, purplethunder. The only advice i can really offer is basically what MoBettaBliss said. And that is to be as selfless as possible. No two ways about it, you are going to be burdened. God, fate, life, etc, has put you in this position(support system) for a reason. And that is(in part, or in whole) to be of service. And the only way that is going to work(as good as it possibly can) is to be as compassionate as you can.

My mother died unexpectedly(6 years ago), and just about every day i wish i had approached that situation in a more selfless and compassionate way. My mom went into the hospital on a Monday and died that Friday. The Wednesday before her death, i had a conversation with one of the nurses and the nurse was telling me all the things that my mother wasn't doing to speed up her recovery and release from the hospital(after having neck surgery). So i immediately call my mother and start telling her what she should be doing to get released. And I'll never ever ever forget what happened next. My mother started crying and stating that she physically couldn't do what the nurses were telling her to do. The discomfort(physical and emotional) was too great. Because of my frustration with the whole situation(dealing with the nurses and doctors, and starting to get really worried about my mom's deteriorating condition), i was forceful in telling my mom that she had to try to do what the nurses were requesting her to do. And as a response, my mom started physically crying(as i mentioned before) and repeating "oh God, oh God", over and over.... She WAS in immense distress, and SHE WAS RIGHT(as opposed to the nurses, doctors, and to a certain extent, even me). So... i then ask my mom to hand the phone back to the nurse(and commence to go off on her-the nurse). And two days later my mother was dead. So while she was alive, those are the last words and memories that i have of her(i never got a chance to talk to her again). Every day(when i do think about it) i wish i could go back and handle that encounter differently. I wish i would have been less concerned with my burdens and feelings, and more concerned with my mother's well being and comfort. I had a opportunity to be that support. And although i was, i wish i had done more. And as i mentioned, i'll never completely get over it.

And that is my experience.

Prayers and support, purplethunder3121. Stay strong in your struggles.

[Edited 3/2/19 17:46pm]

I am so sorry that you went through that with your Mom...and I truly appreciate you sharing that painful experience here. I, too, experience guilt from when I first went through dealing with a situation like this when my Grandmother died from cancer when I was in my 20s... And the fact that my sister and brother had to take the burden of care for my Mom when she was ill because they lived close by and I didn't. This almost seems like the same situation repeating itself...but isn't. I'm older, I can travel, and I can be there for my dad and silblings more than I could...and this time I will listen to what the elder chooses to do over what any doctors say. It is his life...and death...and how he wants do deal with it will be honored. Thank you, Joey, and everyone else for best wishes and prayers. And my best wishes go out to you for your health also, Joey.

purplethunder3121 said:

benni said:

Pancreatic cancer is a b*tch. I'm sorry, purple. It is rough.

Here are some resources that may help:

https://www.cancercare.or...assistance

(If he qualifies they can help with treatment related costs, such as transportation and home care, and another program to help with co-payment costs. They also provide a link to some other resources available.)

The Pancreas Foundation has a lot of good information, but they also have a good list for available financial resources (because out of pocket expenses can get crazy):

https://pancreasfoundatio...-websites/


Make sure to have plenty of Ensure or Boost (nutritional supplements), because with the chemo it's going to be difficult for him to eat and get enough nutrients.

Here is an online support group that might be of benefit for you or your dad. I've found that online support systems have a wealth of information to share, things that worked for them, things that helped the family cope, etc.:

https://www.smartpatients...tic-cancer


Here is a list of veggies that are said to be good for people with pancreatic cancer:

https://www.pancan.org/ne...-patients/

Regarding your step-mom, the staying up all night worries me a bit, because I'm wondering if she is "Sundowning", which is often related to dementia. Does she seem to get more confused at night? More irritable? Does she seem to pace more at night?

purple, I'm sending you a lot of love. Make sure to take care of you during this. And if you can, get more family involved, sharing the responsibilities helps caregivers tremendously. (Though, I've often found that it tends to fall more on one person, but if you have a close family, others may want to help, so don't be afraid to ask them.)

[Edited 3/2/19 8:34am]

Thank you again so much for your list of resources, Benni! I know you have dealt with this in your profession and I really appreciate you taking the time to respond because you have your own stuff to deal with. Regarding my step-mom--yes, it does sound like she is "sun-downing" from what I have heard from my sister... Would that be Alzheimer's or could it be a different type of dementia? She is more confused, anxious, and irritable at night from what I heard. She really has to be evaluated; of course, I can't try to deal with any of this until I'm physically there in two weeks. I last visited five years ago and there was no sign of any of these symptoms then, so this is fairly recent from what my Dad described last year. My sister, brother, and I are all going to try and deal with this situation together--but the burden will fall more on them since they only live a couple of hours away...and I live thousands of miles away...

I'm glad to help, purple.

The sundowning can be related to dementia related to Alzheimers or dementia unrelated to Alzheimers. There have even been cases in which it's not related to dementia at all, but usually it is.

There are different things that you (or your siblings) can try to help alleviate the symptoms, or decrease them. One is to let her sleep whenever she wants. Elevated fatigure seems to make it worse. Another is to turn on more lights. There has been some research that has shown that it may be that in certain individuals with dementia, the body isn't able to process environmental stimuli the way it did before. When there is nothing to distract the mind (it gets dark outside, people get quieter, there is nothing to stimulate the brain) these indivdiuals react differently than others do. You know, pain is often enhanced at night when we are in bed trying to sleep because there is nothing else to distract us so our brain focuses more on the pain - same thing with sundowners. Don't put on loud noises, or TV shows with a lot of activity, but calming music, classical, or the relaxation CDs they put out are pretty good to use.

I hadn't thought about it before but a white noise machine could help, maybe, that one would be an experimental trial (as I've never used it or had a caregiver mention using one) but if it seems to cause more agitation, you'd want to turn it off, of course. Also, try to reassure her that she is safe, validate her, and try distracting her. But don't tell her that she needs to go lay down, or she needs to calm down. Sometimes, just letting someone with sundowners be, just letting it run its course without tryng to make them do what we want them to do, can make things easier. When we try to make them do something we want (like go to bed) it tends to make that individual more agitated.

The other thing to be aware of is that an individual with Sundowners may attempt to wander. In order to keep them safe, put alarms on doors so that you know if she does wander outside the home. I know you said she doesn't want to go outside any more, but if it is Alzheimers or another form of dementia, as the disease progresses, she may wander away.

And yes, I do deal with these things in my profession. I love working with the older population. Some of my clients are just truly interesting characters and others would try the patience of a saint. But I adore them. The scary thing that I'm noticing in the past few years is that we are getting more drug addicts, alcoholics, and individuals that are homeless or move in and out of homelessness (they'll get an apartment, keep it for awhile, then get evicted and are back on the streets). We're seeing a lot more mental health problems and individuals with a lot of psychological traumas. The difference between the level of my clients today and just 10 years ago is astounding. Their needs are more intensive today, and they are more demanding.

purplethunder3121 said:

kpowers said:

PennyPurple said: Thanks, she's been sick for a long time now

I'm sorry to hear this, too. Hope you're holding up through this most difficult time...and, most of all your Mom.

thanxs ....been 13 years

benni said:

purplethunder3121 said:

Thank you again so much for your list of resources, Benni! I know you have dealt with this in your profession and I really appreciate you taking the time to respond because you have your own stuff to deal with. Regarding my step-mom--yes, it does sound like she is "sun-downing" from what I have heard from my sister... Would that be Alzheimer's or could it be a different type of dementia? She is more confused, anxious, and irritable at night from what I heard. She really has to be evaluated; of course, I can't try to deal with any of this until I'm physically there in two weeks. I last visited five years ago and there was no sign of any of these symptoms then, so this is fairly recent from what my Dad described last year. My sister, brother, and I are all going to try and deal with this situation together--but the burden will fall more on them since they only live a couple of hours away...and I live thousands of miles away...

I'm glad to help, purple.

The sundowning can be related to dementia related to Alzheimers or dementia unrelated to Alzheimers. There have even been cases in which it's not related to dementia at all, but usually it is.

There are different things that you (or your siblings) can try to help alleviate the symptoms, or decrease them. One is to let her sleep whenever she wants. Elevated fatigure seems to make it worse. Another is to turn on more lights. There has been some research that has shown that it may be that in certain individuals with dementia, the body isn't able to process environmental stimuli the way it did before. When there is nothing to distract the mind (it gets dark outside, people get quieter, there is nothing to stimulate the brain) these indivdiuals react differently than others do. You know, pain is often enhanced at night when we are in bed trying to sleep because there is nothing else to distract us so our brain focuses more on the pain - same thing with sundowners. Don't put on loud noises, or TV shows with a lot of activity, but calming music, classical, or the relaxation CDs they put out are pretty good to use.

I hadn't thought about it before but a white noise machine could help, maybe, that one would be an experimental trial (as I've never used it or had a caregiver mention using one) but if it seems to cause more agitation, you'd want to turn it off, of course. Also, try to reassure her that she is safe, validate her, and try distracting her. But don't tell her that she needs to go lay down, or she needs to calm down. Sometimes, just letting someone with sundowners be, just letting it run its course without tryng to make them do what we want them to do, can make things easier. When we try to make them do something we want (like go to bed) it tends to make that individual more agitated.

The other thing to be aware of is that an individual with Sundowners may attempt to wander. In order to keep them safe, put alarms on doors so that you know if she does wander outside the home. I know you said she doesn't want to go outside any more, but if it is Alzheimers or another form of dementia, as the disease progresses, she may wander away.

And yes, I do deal with these things in my profession. I love working with the older population. Some of my clients are just truly interesting characters and others would try the patience of a saint. But I adore them. The scary thing that I'm noticing in the past few years is that we are getting more drug addicts, alcoholics, and individuals that are homeless or move in and out of homelessness (they'll get an apartment, keep it for awhile, then get evicted and are back on the streets). We're seeing a lot more mental health problems and individuals with a lot of psychological traumas. The difference between the level of my clients today and just 10 years ago is astounding. Their needs are more intensive today, and they are more demanding.

Good news! My step-mom's sister is going to take over her care and get her into much needed medical treatment...and my family can now focus on my dad's care. Thanks again for all your advice and everyone else on here.

purplethunder3121 said:

Good news! My step-mom's sister is going to take over her care and get her into much needed medical treatment...and my family can now focus on my dad's care. Thanks again for all your advice and everyone else on here.

Yay! That is good news!!

purplethunder3121 said:

benni said:

Good news! My step-mom's sister is going to take over her care and get her into much needed medical treatment...and my family can now focus on my dad's care. Thanks again for all your advice and everyone else on here.

Purple, that is great news! That will be one less worry that you have to deal with right now. And every little bit that can be taken off of your shoulders (your family's shoulders) is a good thing. It will allow you to put your focus where you need it to be.

purple, how are you doing? How's your dad? Update us when you get a chance, please.

benni said:

purple, how are you doing? How's your dad? Update us when you get a chance, please.

Thanks for asking, Benni. My dad's just starting radiation treatment; doesn't look good thoughwe don't think he has much longer. We're preparing for that. Keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.

purplethunder3121 said:

benni said:

purple, how are you doing? How's your dad? Update us when you get a chance, please.

Thanks for asking, Benni. My dad's just starting radiation treatment; doesn't look good thoughwe don't think he has much longer. We're preparing for that. Keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.

purplethunder3121 said:

benni said:

purple, how are you doing? How's your dad? Update us when you get a chance, please.

Thanks for asking, Benni. My dad's just starting radiation treatment; doesn't look good thoughwe don't think he has much longer. We're preparing for that. Keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.

I'm definitely praying for you and your family. Sending a lot of love to you and them.

benni said:

purplethunder3121 said:

Thanks for asking, Benni. My dad's just starting radiation treatment; doesn't look good thoughwe don't think he has much longer. We're preparing for that. Keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.

I'm definitely praying for you and your family. Sending a lot of love to you and them.

Thank you, Benni. Confirmed, like we thought, stage4a (which I'm told is barely contained) will know more after imaging on Friday. My sister agrees with me that my dad needs to be told so he can make his own decision about how he wants to end his life... My step-mom's sister can't come out to take over her care until the end of March so my sister really needs me there--I suspect it will be a really heart-rending scene. Like my sister said, that may be the last time my dad ever sees his wife of 45 years... My sister is a saint and tougher (like I always said) than the men in her life thought she was to take all of this on by herself. I have to be there to help her out--couldn't do anything otherwise. Trying to toughen ourselves up for what is ahead... back to you and your's.

sonshine said:

I've shared some insights with the OP outside of this thread. I am the main caregiver for my parents: my mom with dementia and my dad with COPD. Lots of thoughtful advice here, but I don't think the OP made it clear that his main objective was to put the step-mom away somewhere in order to care for his dad. Please don't take that the wrong way. I'm not judging. I know better than most what a burden it is caring for someone with memory loss. My own family doesn't help. Honestly if I had known then what I know now I would have probably bowed out as well. My point in posting is that there is much to be done in this country as far as the way we care for not only memory related issues, but the elderly in general. There is a serious lack of resources for the afflicted and their caregivers. Please consider supporting the Alzheimer's Association and local community organizations devoted to providing care to our aging population. Lastly, consider being a caregiver to your parents or other aging relatives. Nursing homes are the loneliest places on earth, full of senior citizens put there for the convenience of their loved ones. It's a damn shame. We could also save millions of dollars each year by providing care in the home rather than institutions. Thanks for reading if anyone made it through all that.

It is so tough being a care giver.

purplethunder3121 said:

benni said:

I'm definitely praying for you and your family. Sending a lot of love to you and them.

Thank you, Benni. Confirmed, like we thought, stage4a (which I'm told is barely contained) will know more after imaging on Friday. My sister agrees with me that my dad needs to be told so he can make his own decision about how he wants to end his life... My step-mom's sister can't come out to take over her care until the end of March so my sister really needs me there--I suspect it will be a really heart-rending scene. Like my sister said, that may be the last time my dad ever sees his wife of 45 years... My sister is a saint and tougher (like I always said) than the men in her life thought she was to take all of this on by herself. I have to be there to help her out--couldn't do anything otherwise. Trying to toughen ourselves up for what is ahead... back to you and your's.

That really sucks. Stage 4A I have found that in working for the elderly, most of the time they already know when it's bad. But it's good that you are going to tell him and let him make his own end of life choices. This really brings home how we should all have something written up with our own wishes, because sometimes we get into situations in which we can't tell anyone what we wish.

I was hoping your step-mom's sister would make it out quicker than that. This may exacerbate her dementia, especially if anything happens before then. But I know it will be a relief to know she is getting the care she needs, while you and your sister focus on making sure your dad gets the care he needs.

Allow yourself to grieve, purple. Remind your sister to do the same. Sometimes, we toughen ourselves up too much and we forget to grieve, and then it hits us all at once, and can be overwhelming to cope with when it does. But the most important thing, tell your dad every chance you get how much you love him and let him know what he meant for your life, what he's taught you, the legacy that he is leaving with you.

I found out a client died today, and his mom told me that he really wanted to know he had made a difference in someone's life, that his life had mattered. He was my age. (Since I work with the elderly and disabled, I do have some young clients that I work with too. Though, I don't know that I can say the clients that are my age are exactly young, but I do have some young adults, too.) That's the hardest part of my job, when one of my clients dies. I always try to let them know, as I'm working with them, just how special they are to me, especially the ones that don't have any family.

But keep us updated, okay? I've been thinking about you.

sonshine said:

I've shared some insights with the OP outside of this thread. I am the main caregiver for my parents: my mom with dementia and my dad with COPD. Lots of thoughtful advice here, but I don't think the OP made it clear that his main objective was to put the step-mom away somewhere in order to care for his dad. Please don't take that the wrong way. I'm not judging. I know better than most what a burden it is caring for someone with memory loss. My own family doesn't help. Honestly if I had known then what I know now I would have probably bowed out as well. My point in posting is that there is much to be done in this country as far as the way we care for not only memory related issues, but the elderly in general. There is a serious lack of resources for the afflicted and their caregivers. Please consider supporting the Alzheimer's Association and local community organizations devoted to providing care to our aging population. Lastly, consider being a caregiver to your parents or other aging relatives. Nursing homes are the loneliest places on earth, full of senior citizens put there for the convenience of their loved ones. It's a damn shame. We could also save millions of dollars each year by providing care in the home rather than institutions. Thanks for reading if anyone made it through all that.

My empathy and best wishes are with you whole-heartedly--in being the provider for your parents. In the case of my family, we are dealing with an unforseen emergency because my father didn't let us know what was going on...and here we are. We are trying to deal with it the best we can...and thank you to everyone for sharing your stories and your best advice. It is very hard to try and deal with elderly parents who don't communicate well, live in rural areas far away from family members, and have always been sel-sufficient. Until they can't.

benni said:

purplethunder3121 said:

Thank you, Benni. Confirmed, like we thought, stage4a (which I'm told is barely contained) will know more after imaging on Friday. My sister agrees with me that my dad needs to be told so he can make his own decision about how he wants to end his life... My step-mom's sister can't come out to take over her care until the end of March so my sister really needs me there--I suspect it will be a really heart-rending scene. Like my sister said, that may be the last time my dad ever sees his wife of 45 years... My sister is a saint and tougher (like I always said) than the men in her life thought she was to take all of this on by herself. I have to be there to help her out--couldn't do anything otherwise. Trying to toughen ourselves up for what is ahead... back to you and your's.

That really sucks. Stage 4A I have found that in working for the elderly, most of the time they already know when it's bad. But it's good that you are going to tell him and let him make his own end of life choices. This really brings home how we should all have something written up with our own wishes, because sometimes we get into situations in which we can't tell anyone what we wish.

I was hoping your step-mom's sister would make it out quicker than that. This may exacerbate her dementia, especially if anything happens before then. But I know it will be a relief to know she is getting the care she needs, while you and your sister focus on making sure your dad gets the care he needs.

Allow yourself to grieve, purple. Remind your sister to do the same. Sometimes, we toughen ourselves up too much and we forget to grieve, and then it hits us all at once, and can be overwhelming to cope with when it does. But the most important thing, tell your dad every chance you get how much you love him and let him know what he meant for your life, what he's taught you, the legacy that he is leaving with you.

I found out a client died today, and his mom told me that he really wanted to know he had made a difference in someone's life, that his life had mattered. He was my age. (Since I work with the elderly and disabled, I do have some young clients that I work with too. Though, I don't know that I can say the clients that are my age are exactly young, but I do have some young adults, too.) That's the hardest part of my job, when one of my clients dies. I always try to let them know, as I'm working with them, just how special they are to me, especially the ones that don't have any family.

But keep us updated, okay? I've been thinking about you.

Thanks, Benni, again for your advice and sharing your job experiences with me...with us on here who have to go through this. You reminded me of the last time I had to deal with a family member slowly dying from cancer when I was in my early twenties... I became cold and hard to deal with it...and had emotional fall-out months afterward. The good thing about being older is that you can prepare for something like this, unlike younger people and not have to go through it. In saying that, it is one thing to have elderly parents on their way out; it's another thing to have your best friend pass away suddenly (right before Prince!) three years after she lost her daughter to Lupus. But, like I told my son--I, and my family, will get through this. Been through worse before.

sonshine said:

I've shared some insights with the OP outside of this thread. I am the main caregiver for my parents: my mom with dementia and my dad with COPD. Lots of thoughtful advice here, but I don't think the OP made it clear that his main objective was to put the step-mom away somewhere in order to care for his dad. Please don't take that the wrong way. I'm not judging. I know better than most what a burden it is caring for someone with memory loss. My own family doesn't help. Honestly if I had known then what I know now I would have probably bowed out as well. My point in posting is that there is much to be done in this country as far as the way we care for not only memory related issues, but the elderly in general. There is a serious lack of resources for the afflicted and their caregivers. Please consider supporting the Alzheimer's Association and local community organizations devoted to providing care to our aging population. Lastly, consider being a caregiver to your parents or other aging relatives. Nursing homes are the loneliest places on earth, full of senior citizens put there for the convenience of their loved ones. It's a damn shame. We could also save millions of dollars each year by providing care in the home rather than institutions. Thanks for reading if anyone made it through all that.

I agree that there is a lot to be done to help our elderly and disabled. The one thing I get frustrated with the most is that there are not enough resources that I can utilize as a social worker for my clients. There are some programs out there, that are very helpful, but there are things my elderly clients and clients with disabilities need, that there are absolutely no programs to assist them with those things. We have to get pretty creative at times with coming up with a resource for them.

Also, please know that in the United States, most states have programs set up for individuals that meet the criteria for Medicaid and meet nursing home level of care, that allows the state to put services in the home so that individuals can receive services at home, instead of a facility. In some states (not sure if it is all of them) they will even pay a family member to take care of their loved one at home. We can put such services in the home as home delivered meals, an aide, nutritional supplements, incontinence supplies, pest control, personal emergency response buttons, ramps (for a rental property or home owner), environmental modifications (for safety and / or accessibility issues - if they own their own home), durable medical equipment like shower chairs, raised toilet seats, hand held showers, install grab bars, walk-in showers, etc. We want to try to help someone remain as independent as they possibly can in their own home. Some states offer more aide hours than we do. But you are right, in that it is cheaper on the state to provide these in home services than the cost for having someone in a nursing home.

But even with all that we can put in the home to help them, sometimes, it's still not enough and we need more services and resources available than what we have available.

benni said:

sonshine said:

I've shared some insights with the OP outside of this thread. I am the main caregiver for my parents: my mom with dementia and my dad with COPD. Lots of thoughtful advice here, but I don't think the OP made it clear that his main objective was to put the step-mom away somewhere in order to care for his dad. Please don't take that the wrong way. I'm not judging. I know better than most what a burden it is caring for someone with memory loss. My own family doesn't help. Honestly if I had known then what I know now I would have probably bowed out as well. My point in posting is that there is much to be done in this country as far as the way we care for not only memory related issues, but the elderly in general. There is a serious lack of resources for the afflicted and their caregivers. Please consider supporting the Alzheimer's Association and local community organizations devoted to providing care to our aging population. Lastly, consider being a caregiver to your parents or other aging relatives. Nursing homes are the loneliest places on earth, full of senior citizens put there for the convenience of their loved ones. It's a damn shame. We could also save millions of dollars each year by providing care in the home rather than institutions. Thanks for reading if anyone made it through all that.

I agree that there is a lot to be done to help our elderly and disabled. The one thing I get frustrated with the most is that there are not enough resources that I can utilize as a social worker for my clients. There are some programs out there, that are very helpful, but there are things my elderly clients and clients with disabilities need, that there are absolutely no programs to assist them with those things. We have to get pretty creative at times with coming up with a resource for them.

Also, please know that in the United States, most states have programs set up for individuals that meet the criteria for Medicaid and meet nursing home level of care, that allows the state to put services in the home so that individuals can receive services at home, instead of a facility. In some states (not sure if it is all of them) they will even pay a family member to take care of their loved one at home. We can put such services in the home as home delivered meals, an aide, nutritional supplements, incontinence supplies, pest control, personal emergency response buttons, ramps (for a rental property or home owner), environmental modifications (for safety and / or accessibility issues - if they own their own home), durable medical equipment like shower chairs, raised toilet seats, hand held showers, install grab bars, walk-in showers, etc. We want to try to help someone remain as independent as they possibly can in their own home. Some states offer more aide hours than we do. But you are right, in that it is cheaper on the state to provide these in home services than the cost for having someone in a nursing home.

But even with all that we can put in the home to help them, sometimes, it's still not enough and we need more services and resources available than what we have available.

Amen, to what you just said. My sister is trying her best to set up in-home services while working her job from their home and trying to take care of my dad and step-mom. We are trying our best to get them the best care we can. Just to let you know, I probably won't give any up-dates after this one. Won't have any internet and will be too busy trying to do what I can to help out. So, I want to say again, thank you to everyone for your support, advice, and prayers. They are much appreciated. Thanks to all.

purplethunder3121 said:

benni said:

I agree that there is a lot to be done to help our elderly and disabled. The one thing I get frustrated with the most is that there are not enough resources that I can utilize as a social worker for my clients. There are some programs out there, that are very helpful, but there are things my elderly clients and clients with disabilities need, that there are absolutely no programs to assist them with those things. We have to get pretty creative at times with coming up with a resource for them.

Also, please know that in the United States, most states have programs set up for individuals that meet the criteria for Medicaid and meet nursing home level of care, that allows the state to put services in the home so that individuals can receive services at home, instead of a facility. In some states (not sure if it is all of them) they will even pay a family member to take care of their loved one at home. We can put such services in the home as home delivered meals, an aide, nutritional supplements, incontinence supplies, pest control, personal emergency response buttons, ramps (for a rental property or home owner), environmental modifications (for safety and / or accessibility issues - if they own their own home), durable medical equipment like shower chairs, raised toilet seats, hand held showers, install grab bars, walk-in showers, etc. We want to try to help someone remain as independent as they possibly can in their own home. Some states offer more aide hours than we do. But you are right, in that it is cheaper on the state to provide these in home services than the cost for having someone in a nursing home.

But even with all that we can put in the home to help them, sometimes, it's still not enough and we need more services and resources available than what we have available.

Amen, to what you just said. My sister is trying her best to set up in-home services while working her job from their home and trying to take care of my dad and step-mom. We are trying our best to get them the best care we can. Just to let you know, I probably won't give any up-dates after this one. Won't have any internet and will be too busy trying to do what I can to help out. So, I want to say again, thank you to everyone for your support, advice, and prayers. They are much appreciated. Thanks to all.

Purple, please have your sister check with the local Medicaid office for any services offered there. Also, if he is stage 4A, he should qualify for hospice (he can't get both - through Medicaid and hospice, as that would be considered a duplication of services), and many hospices have in-home care available. When I worked for hospice, that's what we did, was provide in-home care, and as a social worker with hospice, we were also geared more towards the caregivers, helping them cope, finding them support groups, grief support groups, or other resources they might need. Depending upon which route you want to take, hospice or through Medicaid, they can provide that in-home care. The advantage with hospice, however, is that there is a nurse available and their focus is also on pain management. That's something that we can't do, through the Medicaid program, because we don't provide actual hands on medical care.

Also, purple, I just wanted to say that if you aren't able to update us, that's okay. Your focus will need to be with your dad and your family. But just know that I will be keeping you in my prayers and thoughts. And we'll be here when you are able to come back.