Are you sitting down?

You'd better be.

For I am going to review a movie that none of you have seen, or will ever see. But mostly, you will not believe that I have seen it. First, though, the backstory (I'm trying to save my Man Card, as you will see).

My daughter is a professional snowboarder and by that I mean that she teaches snowboarding for a living. She's worked in New Mexico the past three years but got a job in Lake Tahoe for this season. In fact, she's planned out her next few jobs, alternating between hemispheres based on seasons - Lake Tahoe; Argentina; Vail; Australia; Japan.

I wish I was a professional snowboarder.

So, she and my son lit out for New Mexico at 5 AM Saturday morning for a few days of R&R and to pick up some of her equipment, before ending up in Lake Tahoe (via Las Vegas) in a couple weeks. My wife and I saw them off.

Since I'd put on a pot of coffee for the kids, we decided to drink what was left and watch TV. I turned on the TV and it was on the same channel it was when my wife and daughter turned it off the night before - The Hallmark Channel.

Egads! What man in his right mind watches a Christmas movie on The Hallmark Channel? They're all the same movie! Beautiful but naive girl ends up in the mountains, where Christmas is magical. She meets a single young man with either a child or a dog (but NEVER BOTH). Together they save Christmas/the ski resort/a small town, fall in love, and live happily ever after. Starring, of course, Candace Cameron Bure.

Bure has starred in at least 7 Hallmark Christmas movies, including "Switched For Christmas". Which is what played on the Hallmark Channel at 5 AM this past Saturday.

Don't tell anyone but I really liked it.

Bure plays twin sisters - a no-nonsense Denver real estate executive; and a recently-divorced mother of two who lives in a small town and has no visible means of support. The sisters don't really care for each other's lives. Their father reminds them that their late mother always wanted them to have a Sister Christmas Brunch each year. At the brunch, they tell each other, "Oh, your life is SO easy compared to mine!" I bet you know what happens next!

Yep - Arnold Scharzenegger shows up and massacres 78 terrorists who...wait. Wrong movie. Great movie, but wrong movie.

Of course the two sisters switch lives. Of course each does great in the other's career/whatever it is the divorced mother does. Of course each other finds true love. Of course things go bad when the boyfriends find out about the switch. Of course it's all made good through the magic of Christmas. Of course they all live happily ever after.

Now comes the part where I dump on all this happiness.

At the risk of getting this entire thread moved to P&R, these kinds of movies have one big problem - no Jesus.

There is no mention ever of what Christmas is actually about, which is celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. He's the Reason for the Season, as we say. Yet you don't hear these movies ever mentioning that. They only talk about The Magic Of Christmas(TM). Without Jesus, there would be no Christmas; hence no magic.

I don't expect Arnold Schwarzenegger to stop blowing away terrorists, give thanks to the Lord, and then resume blowing away terrorists. But a movie centered around the celebration of birth of Jesus Christ never mentioning Jesus? It seems like an appropriation of the event in the name of The Hallmark Channel.

Hey - maybe this is what Fox News means by The War on Christmas! Let me Google that...

...<Googling, BRB>...

HOLY MOLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's not a War on Christmas - It's a BATTLE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

Netflix has declared war on The Hallmark Channel (and Lifetime, who I didn't know made Christmas movies but I assume they are all titled "My Baby Was Stolen On Christmas Day"). Here is the visual proof.

In the red corner, weighing in at 328 Christmas Movies and Counting, we have THE HALLMARK CHANNEL:






And in the blue corner, weighing in at 2,385 Hitler Documentaries So Far, we have NETFLIX:







Let's get ready to rumbllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllle!

I wonder if Fox News knows about this?

"Switched for Christmas" gets 3 Professionally-Made Gingerbread Houses out of 5 Professionally-Made Gingerbread Houses.

Also, I predict The Hallmark Channel will use the Magic of Christmas(TM) to send Netflix back to Hitler documentaries.

Hallelujah!

Here is A List of the worst movies of 2018. I've only seen one of them - "Death Wish" - and would agree that it was one of the worst movies I've seen this year.

https://film.avclub.com/t...1830996584

The list:

20. God's Not Dead: A Light in the Darkness
19. Caniba
18. Mary Shelley
17. Forever My Girl
16. Death Wish - AGREED!
15. The 15:17 to Paris
14. Sicario: Day of the Soldado
13. The Happy Prince
12. Blumhouse's Truth or Dare
11. Mile 22
10. The Happytime Murders
9. The Darkest Minds
8. Mute
7. The Outsider
6. Future World
5. Dark Crimes
4. Fifty Shades Freed
3. Life Itself
2. The Death of a Nation
1. Gotti

RodeoSchro said:

Here is A List of the worst movies of 2018. I've only seen one of them - "Death Wish" - and would agree that it was one of the worst movies I've seen this year.

https://film.avclub.com/t...1830996584

The list:

20. God's Not Dead: A Light in the Darkness
19. Caniba
18. Mary Shelley
17. Forever My Girl
16. Death Wish - AGREED!
15. The 15:17 to Paris
14. Sicario: Day of the Soldado
13. The Happy Prince
12. Blumhouse's Truth or Dare
11. Mile 22
10. The Happytime Murders
9. The Darkest Minds
8. Mute
7. The Outsider
6. Future World
5. Dark Crimes
4. Fifty Shades Freed
3. Life Itself
2. The Death of a Nation
1. Gotti

definitely not agreeing with:
The Happytime Murders

Mute

The Darkest Minds
Mile 22

(not that they were at the top of the 'good' list, but there were enough worse than that. Mute was the best of this list imo)

The rest: yes.

Here is my List Of All Movies Rated in 2018. Wow, it was a lot more movies than I imagined! Fifty, and actually there were a couple more that didn't make the list because I ditched them.

The list is rated by score; in other words the percentage returned by X out of Y (which I didn't feel like pasting from my Excel sheet for each movie, so trust me on the sort order). Although the rating system varied by film, the score should be consistent. There are a lot of ties and in the case of ties, the movies are sorted alphabetically by title.

That is, of course, very subjective. A movie rated 3 Beheaded Space Terrorists out of 5 Beheaded Space Terrorists is definitely a movie I would watch over a movie rated 3 Sitting Couches out of 5 Sitting Couches. But I couldn't be arsed to get that deep in the weeds with this.

FYI, "Mission Impossible - Fallout Boy" is last because it's the only movie I gave a negative score to. That was because it totally blew my one chance for a "Hey EmmaMcG" thread. It wasn't the worst movie I saw this year but I'm mad because it blew my one chance at Org Coolness.

"I, Tonya" was the worst movie I saw this year and it's not even close. I hate that movie with a white-hot passion. I should have rated it negative infinity.

"The Sons of Katie Elder" is #1 because it was the only movie I gave positive infinity stars to this year.

1. The Sons of Katie Elder

2. Alien Opponent

2. E.T.

2. Halloween (Original)

2. Halloween 2018

2. Kung Fury

2. Purple Rain

2. Rio Bravo

2. The Predator

10. Payback - Straight Up

11. Beware! The Blob

11. Walking Tall (Original Version)

13. The Mechanic

14. They Live

15. Blockers

15. Gridiron Gang

15. Jeremiah Johnson

18. Deadpool 2

18. Lady Macbeth

18. Switched at Christmas

18. Takers

18. The Cannonball Run

18. Unknown

Dang backspace goof-up

24. The Sixth Day
25. Death Wish

26. American Made

26. Catch Me if You Can

26. Edge of Tomorrow

26. Game Night

26. Point Blank

26. Ski School

26. Skyscraper

26. The Commuter

34. The Ballad of Buster Scruggs

35. Heredity

36. A Quiet Place

37. Clerks

38. Cowboys and Aliens

39. Flight Plan

40. The Death of Stalin

41. Father Figures

41. Sharknado 5

43. The Equalizer 2

44. Atomic Blonde

45. First Man

45. Halloween 5

45. I, Tonya

45. Mr. Jones

45. Ski Patrol

50. Mission Impossible - Fallout

Venom 1.5 / 10

Awful.

highly anticipating these:

Vice

House That Jack Built

Vox Lux

Destroyer

RodeoSchro said:

Please Stand By

touching. Not only for Star Trek fans

in between (2018) 3.5/5 three young palestinian women navigate their modern lives & their familiy's rigidity in tel aviv. very well done & incredibly interesting look into a world we don't get to see on film often, though it has a few melodramatic moments & a contrived, rather silly conclusion to one of the plot threads that left me feeling just a touch underwhelmed. it feels like if this had just been fine-tuned a bit, a few rough edges sanded off, it might have been something really major. absolutely worth your time regardless.



happy as lazzaro (2018) 4/5 pleasantly sweet film that starts as a very traditional & perhaps slightly boring lower class drama, then takes a 'certified copy' style u-turn in a very nicely weird & goofy way. there's a slightly heavy-handed message meandering through the film, one that didn't land too well with me. the director & writer think they're saying something profound i suppose, & i think they may actually be saying something a bit ignorant & silly. still a good, quirky odd duck of a movie.

RodeoSchro said:

Here is A List of the worst movies of 2018. I've only seen one of them - "Death Wish" - and would agree that it was one of the worst movies I've seen this year.

https://film.avclub.com/t...1830996584

The list:

20. God's Not Dead: A Light in the Darkness
19. Caniba
18. Mary Shelley
17. Forever My Girl
16. Death Wish - AGREED!
15. The 15:17 to Paris
14. Sicario: Day of the Soldado
13. The Happy Prince
12. Blumhouse's Truth or Dare
11. Mile 22
10. The Happytime Murders
9. The Darkest Minds
8. Mute
7. The Outsider
6. Future World
5. Dark Crimes
4. Fifty Shades Freed
3. Life Itself
2. The Death of a Nation
1. Gotti

i caught mute & truth or dare. mute had some fun elements & some nice glossy visuals, but was awfully muddled as i recall. truth or dare was reasonably fun in the first half, in the way that cheap, silly horror movies can always be at least a little fun, but was very cluttered and dull by the end. both were fairly forgettable, fell out of my head about as quickly as they entered, but neither of them would be at the bottom of my own list.

[Edited 12/13/18 4:53am]

Disney's A Christmas Carol. 4/5.



5/5.

EmmaMcG said:

RodeoSchro said:

Are you sitting down?

You'd better be.

For I am going to review a movie that none of you have seen, or will ever see. But mostly, you will not believe that I have seen it. First, though, the backstory (I'm trying to save my Man Card, as you will see).

My daughter is a professional snowboarder and by that I mean that she teaches snowboarding for a living. She's worked in New Mexico the past three years but got a job in Lake Tahoe for this season. In fact, she's planned out her next few jobs, alternating between hemispheres based on seasons - Lake Tahoe; Argentina; Vail; Australia; Japan.

I wish I was a professional snowboarder.

So, she and my son lit out for New Mexico at 5 AM Saturday morning for a few days of R&R and to pick up some of her equipment, before ending up in Lake Tahoe (via Las Vegas) in a couple weeks. My wife and I saw them off.

Since I'd put on a pot of coffee for the kids, we decided to drink what was left and watch TV. I turned on the TV and it was on the same channel it was when my wife and daughter turned it off the night before - The Hallmark Channel.

Egads! What man in his right mind watches a Christmas movie on The Hallmark Channel? They're all the same movie! Beautiful but naive girl ends up in the mountains, where Christmas is magical. She meets a single young man with either a child or a dog (but NEVER BOTH). Together they save Christmas/the ski resort/a small town, fall in love, and live happily ever after. Starring, of course, Candace Cameron Bure.

Bure has starred in at least 7 Hallmark Christmas movies, including "Switched For Christmas". Which is what played on the Hallmark Channel at 5 AM this past Saturday.

Don't tell anyone but I really liked it.

Bure plays twin sisters - a no-nonsense Denver real estate executive; and a recently-divorced mother of two who lives in a small town and has no visible means of support. The sisters don't really care for each other's lives. Their father reminds them that their late mother always wanted them to have a Sister Christmas Brunch each year. At the brunch, they tell each other, "Oh, your life is SO easy compared to mine!" I bet you know what happens next!

Yep - Arnold Scharzenegger shows up and massacres 78 terrorists who...wait. Wrong movie. Great movie, but wrong movie.

Of course the two sisters switch lives. Of course each does great in the other's career/whatever it is the divorced mother does. Of course each other finds true love. Of course things go bad when the boyfriends find out about the switch. Of course it's all made good through the magic of Christmas. Of course they all live happily ever after.

Now comes the part where I dump on all this happiness.

At the risk of getting this entire thread moved to P&R, these kinds of movies have one big problem - no Jesus.

There is no mention ever of what Christmas is actually about, which is celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. He's the Reason for the Season, as we say. Yet you don't hear these movies ever mentioning that. They only talk about The Magic Of Christmas(TM). Without Jesus, there would be no Christmas; hence no magic.

I don't expect Arnold Schwarzenegger to stop blowing away terrorists, give thanks to the Lord, and then resume blowing away terrorists. But a movie centered around the celebration of birth of Jesus Christ never mentioning Jesus? It seems like an appropriation of the event in the name of The Hallmark Channel.

Hey - maybe this is what Fox News means by The War on Christmas! Let me Google that...

...<Googling, BRB>...

HOLY MOLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's not a War on Christmas - It's a BATTLE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

Netflix has declared war on The Hallmark Channel (and Lifetime, who I didn't know made Christmas movies but I assume they are all titled "My Baby Was Stolen On Christmas Day"). Here is the visual proof.

In the red corner, weighing in at 328 Christmas Movies and Counting, we have THE HALLMARK CHANNEL:






And in the blue corner, weighing in at 2,385 Hitler Documentaries So Far, we have NETFLIX:







Let's get ready to rumbllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllle!

I wonder if Fox News knows about this?

"Switched for Christmas" gets 3 Professionally-Made Gingerbread Houses out of 5 Professionally-Made Gingerbread Houses.

Also, I predict The Hallmark Channel will use the Magic of Christmas(TM) to send Netflix back to Hitler documentaries.

Hallelujah!

I hate when Christmas movies introduce religious bullshit. I'd much rather they deal with things that actually exist like snow, Christmas trees, Arnold Schwarzenegger blowing away terrorists, Santa Claus and accidentally finding yourself standing under the mistletoe with your sister. Actually, forget about that last one.

The definition of "Christmas" is "an annual festival commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ".

That's the reason why non-Christians get mad when you tell them "Merry Christmas!" and have insisted that standard greetings be "Happy Holidays!" instead.

I'm not forcing Christmas on anyone but it sure seems to me that if one is going to be making movies about Christmas, there ought to be a reference to Christ every now and then.

This theory about "The Magic of Christmas" without Christ is BS.

What if we made movies about celebrating Hannukah but told the Jews "Hey man, don't worry about us not acknowledging this is your holiday, or showing any menorahs, or skipping the whole dreidel thng. Chill, dude"? Yeah, I don't think that would fly.

.

[Edited 12/13/18 7:35am]

I just finished watching one of the life-defining movies for me - "Pumping Iron".

SO. FREAKING. AWESOME.

I've been into weightlifting since I was 18, which is when this movie came out. Since then, I've been as big an Arnold Schwarzenegger fan as there is. I even got to meet him at a book signing in 1978. He was so cool.

And "cool" is EXACTLY what Arnold is in this movie. There's no way you could watch "Pumping Iron" and come away with any opinion other than, "That guy was born to be a star". Wow, Arnold was, is and will always be The Man.

I could go on and on and on about Arnold - I've even designed a public speaking curriculum around his career - but he's not the only star of this movie.

You've got Franco Columbo, who was/is Arnold's best friend and chief rival for Mr. Olympia. The Arnold/Franco story is really, really cool. They both came to America around the same time, and neither spoke English worth a hoot. But they became friends, training partners, and work comrades. They started a brick-laying business to help make ends meet but to hear Franco tell it, HE did all the brick-laying while ARNOLD basically just layed. I can just hear Arnold, pulling a Tom Sawyer/Huck Finn whitewashing-the-fence-is-so-much-fun prank on Franco, and then both of them laughing about it later.

Franco Columbo struck up a friendship with a young actor named Sylvester Stallone. Franco was the reason for the totally-ripped Stallone we saw in so many movies. Franco once said that Stallone was the strongest non-bodybuilder actor that ever lived.

Of course another star is Lou Ferrigno. Most of "Pumping Iron" is about Arnold getting into Lou's head, which it looks like he did. But, a LOT of this movie's conflicts were staged. Arnold was made the "bad guy" on purpose, and with his full blessing. Arnold and Lou were obviously friends/friendly. If I had to bet money, I'd bet that after the Mr. Olympia contest Arnold told Lou, "Work on your legs and you will be hard to beat".

There are other blasts from the past - guys you've probably never heard of. But they all were one big community because back then, bodybuilding was not looked upon favorably like it is now. So all these guys trained together, hung out together, and helped each other out. It was really cool.

Forty years later "Pumping Iron" inspires me as much as it did when I was 18. I cannot WAIT to hit the gym tomorrow morning! It's going to be a 306-pound benchpress kind of workout, I can tell you that.

"Pumping Iron" gets 10 Arnolds out of 10 Arnolds. Still the champ!

RodeoSchro said:

Well, I'm not a Christian but I still wish people a Merry Christmas. That "Happy Holidays" bollocks is ridiculous.

I'd say Marry me but that wouldn't be legal

Beauty and the dogs.....4/5.....cop rapers....great message for women

[Edited 12/15/18 10:22am]

kodachrome

actually pretty good!

TheFman said:

EmmaMcG said:

TheFman said:

Well, I'm not a Christian but I still wish people a Merry Christmas. That "Happy Holidays" bollocks is ridiculous.

I'd say Marry me but that wouldn't be legal

Why wouldn't it be legal?

over here we can be married to just one at a time

TheFman said:

spider-man: into the spider-verse (20180 5/5

[Edited 12/15/18 18:17pm]

damosuzuki said:

spider-man: into the spider-verse (20180 5/5

the only negative comments i have will be dispelled with first:
- i found some of the double-images seen in the background or foreground on occasion just a bit distracting, especially in the early going.
- i would have liked it if the other spider people, particularly noir, could have got just a touch more attention.

i'd heard in advance that this film was the best attempt yet at trying to bring the actual feel of a comic book to cinema. but it's more than that; in its greatest moments, this gives you the feeling of being immersed in some of bill sienkiewicz's trippiest artwork, & i think it is some of the most stunning, perfect & beautiful animation i've ever seen. i'm not the final authority on such things, but this feels like an absolute game-changer, something that will alter the look of animated film.

film-makers have been trying to create the cinematic equivalent to an acid trip for decades. 2001, el topo, fear & loathing all took good swings at portraying the ego-destroying hallucinatory acid trip vision. to this point, i think enter the void was the film that captured it best. at moments, particularly at the end, an animated spiderman movie surpassed it. at times i was reminded of some of the more spectral trips i took when i built my own version of brion gysin's dream machine.

if it was only that, it would still be one of the most distinctive movies of the year. but it's a real movie too. it's funny & sweet & has tons of heart. just about a perfect movie, imo.

[Edited 12/15/18 18:17pm]

I just came back from this movie. First, I have to admit that I am not a comic book movie fan. So, I am glad you gave a fan's perspective. Nontheless, I too enjoyed it. It was quite funny and joyful. I saw it with my son and he was the same age as the main protagonist. We both appreciated how they seemed to get it right about how disconcerting, ackward, and funny it would be if all of sudden you discover you are a spider-boy when you haven't even adjusted to the changes of puberty and being in middle school. I agree that the visuals are stunning though at times I had to close my eyes becasue they were so intense. I thought it might be just an age thing but both teenagers I was with said the rapid expolsions of color and movement felt like they might induce a seizure. In any case, it was fun for all. I give it a 4 of 5, which is really high for me for this type of movie.

damosuzuki said:

Bird Box

The Happening meets A Quiet Place and at the start you know how it'll ends...

RodeoSchro said:

I just finished watching one of the life-defining movies for me - "Pumping Iron".

SO. FREAKING. AWESOME.

I've been into weightlifting since I was 18, which is when this movie came out. Since then, I've been as big an Arnold Schwarzenegger fan as there is. I even got to meet him at a book signing in 1978. He was so cool.

And "cool" is EXACTLY what Arnold is in this movie. There's no way you could watch "Pumping Iron" and come away with any opinion other than, "That guy was born to be a star". Wow, Arnold was, is and will always be The Man.

I could go on and on and on about Arnold - I've even designed a public speaking curriculum around his career - but he's not the only star of this movie.

You've got Franco Columbo, who was/is Arnold's best friend and chief rival for Mr. Olympia. The Arnold/Franco story is really, really cool. They both came to America around the same time, and neither spoke English worth a hoot. But they became friends, training partners, and work comrades. They started a brick-laying business to help make ends meet but to hear Franco tell it, HE did all the brick-laying while ARNOLD basically just layed. I can just hear Arnold, pulling a Tom Sawyer/Huck Finn whitewashing-the-fence-is-so-much-fun prank on Franco, and then both of them laughing about it later.

Franco Columbo struck up a friendship with a young actor named Sylvester Stallone. Franco was the reason for the totally-ripped Stallone we saw in so many movies. Franco once said that Stallone was the strongest non-bodybuilder actor that ever lived.

Of course another star is Lou Ferrigno. Most of "Pumping Iron" is about Arnold getting into Lou's head, which it looks like he did. But, a LOT of this movie's conflicts were staged. Arnold was made the "bad guy" on purpose, and with his full blessing. Arnold and Lou were obviously friends/friendly. If I had to bet money, I'd bet that after the Mr. Olympia contest Arnold told Lou, "Work on your legs and you will be hard to beat".

There are other blasts from the past - guys you've probably never heard of. But they all were one big community because back then, bodybuilding was not looked upon favorably like it is now. So all these guys trained together, hung out together, and helped each other out. It was really cool.

Forty years later "Pumping Iron" inspires me as much as it did when I was 18. I cannot WAIT to hit the gym tomorrow morning! It's going to be a 306-pound benchpress kind of workout, I can tell you that.

"Pumping Iron" gets 10 Arnolds out of 10 Arnolds. Still the champ!

I loved that movie, although it destroyed the Hulk TV show for me when I was a kid, I truly believed the Hulk was real and then I saw Lou Ferrigno in Pumping Iron.