She said, "This is the fifth time this week that you've been late! Do you know what that means?!?!?!?"

"Yes," I said. "It's Friday!"

*****************************************************************

I came home last Friday with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, “Great. Now I have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air.” Obviously confused I asked, “Why? Don’t we have any vases?"

*****************************************************************

After 35 years of marriage, my wife and Icame for counseling. When asked what the problem was, my wife went into a tirade listing every problem she had ever had in the years we had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking my wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to me and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

I said, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

*****************************************************************

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.

"Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?"

"Oh crap!" the blonde says. "I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front"!

*****************************************************************

LOL those were good

EmmaMcG said:

RodeoSchro said:

She said, "This is the fifth time this week that you've been late! Do you know what that means?!?!?!?"

"Yes," I said. "It's Friday!"

*****************************************************************

I came home last Friday with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, “Great. Now I have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air.” Obviously confused I asked, “Why? Don’t we have any vases?"

*****************************************************************

After 35 years of marriage, my wife and Icame for counseling. When asked what the problem was, my wife went into a tirade listing every problem she had ever had in the years we had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking my wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to me and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

I said, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

*****************************************************************

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.

"Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?"

"Oh crap!" the blonde says. "I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front"!

*****************************************************************

man and his wife are out with their pet skunk... when they arrive at walmart... they see a sign saying "no pets allowed"... distraught, the woman says... "honey... what are we going to do.... we take him everywhere with us"... "just shove him down the front of your pants" replies your husband.... "but what about the smell" asks the wife.... "look" says the husband "if he dies... he fuckin' dies"

SMH at all y'all cause I can.

[Edited 11/16/18 12:25pm]

EmmaMcG said:

I'm not a fan of the blonde jokes. I know there's an element of truth to them, but it still hurts...

how are you with irish jokes?

paddy and mick were having a few pints when mick says "i'm gonna see you how smart you are paddy"

"go right ahead" replies paddy

"ok" mick says.. "what's black, leather and has 5 fingers?"

"hmmm" paddy ponders for a minute ... "black.. leather... 5 fingers.... naaa it's too hard mick... i can't figure it out"

"a glove" replies mick.... "ok i got another one for ya paddy... what's black, leather and has 10 fingers?"

"ooooh" says paddy, scratching his head "black... leather... 10 fingers... oh i just can't do it mick... it's too hard"

"2 gloves" says mick... "alright paddy... let's try something different... who's the current president of the usa?"

"let's see" says paddy, "current president of the usa... hmmmm..... it wouldn't be 3 gloves would it mick?"

MoBettaBliss said:

EmmaMcG said:

MoBettaBliss said:

how are you with irish jokes?

paddy and mick were having a few pints when mick says "i'm gonna see you how smart you are paddy"

"go right ahead" replies paddy

"ok" mick says.. "what's black, leather and has 5 fingers?"

"hmmm" paddy ponders for a minute ... "black.. leather... 5 fingers.... naaa it's too hard mick... i can't figure it out"

"a glove" replies mick.... "ok i got another one for ya paddy... what's black, leather and has 10 fingers?"

"ooooh" says paddy, scratching his head "black... leather... 10 fingers... oh i just can't do it mick... it's too hard"

"2 gloves" says mick... "alright paddy... let's try something different... who's the current president of the usa?"

"let's see" says paddy, "current president of the usa... hmmmm..... it wouldn't be 3 gloves would it mick?"

Not bad. Not bad at all. What do you call two gay Irish men? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick. What do you call an Irish spider? Paddy long legs. What do you call an Irish bouncer? Rick O'Shea.

I'm laughing so hard right now

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb...

a moth walks into a podiatrist's office.. the conversation went something like this

moth: hi doctor

podiatrist: hello... what can i do for you?

moth: everything's gone to shit doc... my wife left me this morning... then my house burned down

podiatrist: oh my gosh... that's terrible

moth: that's not the half of it mate... yesterday i found out one of my kids isn't mine... my girlfriend told me she's got syphilis... my pet dog got run over by a truck

podiatrist: dear lord... that's a truly horrific run of luck

moth: you're telling me doc.... last week i lost my job... my mum died... i got mugged and the bastards took my wallet

podiatrist: listen i really feel for you... everything you've told me is absolutely tragic... but i must ask...why did you come and see me?... i mean, i'm a foot doctor after all

moth: your light was on

MoBettaBliss said:

EmmaMcG said:

MoBettaBliss said:

a moth walks into a podiatrist's office.. the conversation went something like this

moth: hi doctor

podiatrist: hello... what can i do for you?

moth: everything's gone to shit doc... my wife left me this morning... then my house burned down

podiatrist: oh my gosh... that's terrible

moth: that's not the half of it mate... yesterday i found out one of my kids isn't mine... my girlfriend told me she's got syphilis... my pet dog got run over by a truck

podiatrist: dear lord... that's a truly horrific run of luck

moth: you're telling me doc.... last week i lost my job... my mum died... i got mugged and the bastards took my wallet

podiatrist: listen i really feel for you... everything you've told me is absolutely tragic... but i must ask...why did you come and see me?... i mean, i'm a foot doctor after all

moth: your light was on

I like that one. Although I think it's weird that the moth is complaining about his wife leaving him that morning and yet the day before, he found out that his girlfriend had syphilis. I can't help but think that both incidents are related.

between you and i, i think the moth might be a bit of a scoundrel

MoBettaBliss said:

EmmaMcG said:

MoBettaBliss said:

between you and i, i think the moth might be a bit of a scoundrel

In fairness, his wife isn't exactly a Saint. She did have a child with another moth, after all. Seems like a bit of a slut to me.

you have a point... it appears to be a very unstable household overall... perhaps the dog ran in front of the truck on purpose

MoBettaBliss said:

EmmaMcG said:

MoBettaBliss said:

you have a point... it appears to be a very unstable household overall... perhaps the dog ran in front of the truck on purpose

I'd question a moth's ability to properly look after the dog in the first place.

true...but he did manage to carry a wallet around with him ... pretty impressive for a moth

actually i've just had an epiphany... clearly he found out about his wife's slutty ways, then, in a syphilis fueled rage, burned his own house down with his wife in it ... she didn't leave him at all

bastard

MoBettaBliss said:

EmmaMcG said:

MoBettaBliss said:

true...but he did manage to carry a wallet around with him ... pretty impressive for a moth

actually i've just had an epiphany... clearly he found out about his wife's slutty ways, then, in a syphilis fueled rage, burned his own house down with his wife in it ... she didn't leave him at all

bastard

The absolute bastard. And that podiatrist is an accessory.

Avatars are back!

Hudson said:

VAMPIRE: Mirror mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all MAGIC MIRROR: what the fuck who just said that

Bruce Springsteen told this joke at "Stand Up For Heroes 12" three weeks ago:

A piano player who's looking for work goes into an agent's office. The agent says, "Well, let me hear what you got."

So the piano player plays, and the agent thinks it's one of the most beautiful things he's ever heard. Tears are coming down his cheeks. He says, "That's one of the most beautiful pieces of music I've ever heard. What's it called?"

He said, "It's called, 'Hot Tits and Ass on a Saturday Night.'"

Agent says, "Why don't you play another piece?" When he's done, the agent's in tears. "That's gorgeous, what is that called?"

"That's called, 'My 10-Year-Old Son Is Addicted to Porn.'"

"Tell you what, I have a job for you on the weekend — a high-class wedding. This is exactly the kind of music they want. Just don't mention the titles."

"Sure, no, problem."

So the guy goes to the wedding, and he's playing the reception, and he's going over like gangbusters. People are in tears, they're holding each other, they're holding each other's hands.

He takes a break to go to the bathroom, he takes a leak, he comes out. I guess on the way out he forgot to zip himself up, and the mother of the bride comes up and says, "Sir, do you know that your penis is hanging out of your pants?!"

"Do I know it? I wrote it!"

Here's one about a musician, too:

Jim is a saxophone player trying to get into the music business. After many months of turn-downs, his agent calls him and says, "Jim, I've got a job for you. Be at the studio at 5." Jim is excited, and shows up 30 minutes early.

As they're setting up the mics and stands, Jim asks what he's recording. "Music for a movie soundtrack" he's told. Jim gets excited but the producer says, "It's music for a PORN movie". Oh well - a job is a job, and Jim plays beautifully.

A month later the porno is showing at the neighborhood porn theater. Jim decides to watch it, so he can hear how his music turned out. But he's embarrassed to be seen at the porn theater, so he sits up in the balcony. It's almost deserted - the only other people in the balcony are an elderly couple.

The movie is the most explicit thing Jim has ever seen! Men and women, women and men, men and men, women and women, and every position imaginable. Just when Jim thinks it can't get any worse, a dog comes onscreen and has sex with half the cast!

Mortified, Jim turns to the elderly couple and says, "I'm only hear for the music".

"We understand," says the elderly lady. "We're only here to watch our dog".