I know you guys can't really tell me what to say. It's just a thing that often comes to my mind. My father left my mum when she was pregnant with my sis and me. She told him she's pregnant and he said he's going to buy cigarettes ( so fucking original, right). My mother is no fool, she knew right away that he won't come back, she didn't even wait for him, not even one second. She just moved on, or so she told me. She knows that life doesn't always give you options, sometimes it just leaves you with one path, one reality and she knew that this was the case......

I grew up without him, I know that we once met him when we were really young, 4 years at best. But I don't remember him, whenever I think about it I only see a shadow like figure. I wouldn't say that I missed him as a child, I was used to not having a father. But my mum had boyfriends......one was an asshole tho, she told me a few years ago that he threatened to beat her up on several occasions. She ended it.....her current boyfriend is in her life for 10 years now.....but he's no Dad for me....he made it very clear in the beginning that he doesn't like us.

When the problems with family members got worse I grew bitter towards my father. I always thought: "If you were there they probably wouldn't dare to treat me like this!" I blamed him for things my mother couldn't prevent because she was dealing with her own problems, she did all she could raising three kids on her own!

I don't know what he looks like.....what he's doing today.....he's got three other kids besides me and my sister.....my grandma told me that one of them was once in our street with my mothers current boyfriend....they worked for the same company, what a damn coincidence....but they only told me years after that......

As a kid I didn't feel like something was missing, why do I now feel like something's missing? Not in the sense that my mom wasn't enough, no....she was. But I feel so bad for her....he left her all alone raising three kids who were by no means easy kids.

I often think of meeting him and if I ever did....what the hell would I even tell him? 16 year old me would've probably kicked his stupid ass.....Sometimes I still feel bitter about it......today I checked if he's on FB for the 100th time. But how would I know if I found him if I don't know what he looks like? And why do I even want to find him? Maybe just to tell him what I always wanted to tell him and then move the fuck on.....telling him what an idiot he was for leaving my mum tho, that he wasn't there when my mother clearly had no strength to stand up against certain people.

I hate him for that, when I don't want to feel anything for him.

[Edited 11/5/18 17:37pm]

[Edited 11/5/18 17:40pm]

ThatWhiteDude said:

coldcoffeeandcocacola said:

coldcoffeeandcocacola said:

coldcoffeeandcocacola said:

Get to know him and decide if you want to have him in your life.


Forgiveness is a start

EmmaMcG said:

I'm actually in a very similar situation myself. My father left just after I was born. He left when my sister was barely 2 years old and I was a couple of weeks old. So I don't remember him and nor does my sister. In fact, I don't even know his name. She does, but I don't even want to know. As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a father. I never have. So if I ever did meet him, I wouldn't be interested in talking to him or finding out more about him. I don't even care about WHY he left. I know why he left. He's a prick. That's the only reason I can think of. Any man who would walk out on his family isn't much of a man in my eyes. Besides, we seem to have done alright without our fathers. I think we're probably better off the way we are.

I once knew someone who felt exactly the same as this. Turns out that their father had loved them all along, just circumstances had prevented him being able to tell his kids the truth about what happened. They found out the truth when he died young - he left them everything, with a letter in his will. And I'm talking a lot of money. They have had an extremely hard time dealing with the fact that this man, that they too thought was a prick, that they had never given a second thought to, had loved them and thought about them all along.

The other side is true, too - what if his presence had made it worse for you than it was? There's no way to know that but you do know that he didn't think sticking around was the right thing to do.

Maybe it was because he was selfish and only thought of himself. In that case, it was probably best that he left.

Maybe it was because he knew he'd be a bad dad and a bad husband. In that case too, it was probably best that he left.

In my opinion the odds that if he'd stayed, he'd have been an awesome father are pretty small.

But I am 100% positive that whatever the reason was for his leaving, it wasn't because of you. It was solely on him.

maplenpg said:

EmmaMcG said:

maplenpg said:

I once knew someone who felt exactly the same as this. Turns out that their father had loved them all along, just circumstances had prevented him being able to tell his kids the truth about what happened. They found out the truth when he died young - he left them everything, with a letter in his will. And I'm talking a lot of money. They have had an extremely hard time dealing with the fact that this man, that they too thought was a prick, that they had never given a second thought to, had loved them and thought about them all along.

Well, I don't know much about my father, but I know he is a scumbag. A junkie scumbag at that. So I doubt he'll be leaving me any money. And even if he did, I wouldn't want it.

Fair enough.

luv4u said:

Get to know him and decide if you want to have him in your life.


Forgiveness is a start

It's a start, I agree. But it's also really hard to do....

EmmaMcG said:

I'm actually in a very similar situation myself. My father left just after I was born. He left when my sister was barely 2 years old and I was a couple of weeks old. So I don't remember him and nor does my sister. In fact, I don't even know his name. She does, but I don't even want to know. As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a father. I never have. So if I ever did meet him, I wouldn't be interested in talking to him or finding out more about him. I don't even care about WHY he left. I know why he left. He's a prick. That's the only reason I can think of. Any man who would walk out on his family isn't much of a man in my eyes. Besides, we seem to have done alright without our fathers. I think we're probably better off the way we are.

I don't care about why he left either. He's an asshole for that. I just sometimes get this weird feeling were I then think that I need to tell him about what I feel about it. Not all the time, but sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere and then it haunts me for days.

I never thought of it that way. I always thought: "It's all bad and it would be better if he was there to stand up for his kids or my mum." I was so bitter about him not being there that I never thought that I could be very wrong about that.

RodeoSchro said:

The other side is true, too - what if his presence had made it worse for you than it was? There's no way to know that but you do know that he didn't think sticking around was the right thing to do.

Maybe it was because he was selfish and only thought of himself. In that case, it was probably best that he left.

Maybe it was because he knew he'd be a bad dad and a bad husband. In that case too, it was probably best that he left.

In my opinion the odds that if he'd stayed, he'd have been an awesome father are pretty small.

But I am 100% positive that whatever the reason was for his leaving, it wasn't because of you. It was solely on him.

if you're going to meet him... be prepared to give him a minute and get to know him a bit

once you have facts, if you want to lay it on him... go right ahead

ThatWhiteDude said:

..delete..

[Edited 11/7/18 11:25am]

Sometimes it's better not knowing your father... If you grow up with an abusive bully who didn't want you to begin with, better an absent one than one you grow up with and learn to hate. But, also, whether present or absent, it is better to come to terms with the relationship or lack of it within yourself than to let it fester on for the rest of your life. Even if you never meet the man in person, you should write letters to him about the way you feel and your experiences; that way if you ever get a chance to meet him, you will know what you want to say and what questions to ask. I'm actually the only one of my siblings to ask my father about stuff from the past years ago; the only response I got was an aknowledgement that he "sinned" and did his family wrong. That was the closest to an admission, discussion, and apology that I will ever get. That was enough and I laid the past to rest. Other family members haven't. In the end, it benefits you to make peace about it with yourself, so you can let the past go as much as possible and move on from there... Just my two cents.

My

Being a father means being in your life and helping you figure it out. A man who has a son and doesn't do this may technically be your father but it has little to do with being a father.

Genetic info would be helpful so you can watch for things that you are predisposed to because of his genes.

Forgiveness is important not for him but for you. It took me a long time to figure this out as I always had the perspective that it was for the other person. It's not, you have to have peace of mind for the rest of your life.

After reading a few of your personal posts I would suggest that you keep a journal. It's really helpful for flushing out your thoughts and getting things out. It's also great for organizing your thoughts later when you're not so "in the moment".

Hope this helps.

Daddy can I have the keys.

Dude - sorry that you're going through this.

Sounds like you hit a rough patch and your father's abandonment is a sore point which is adding to it.

We all carry things within us...sometimes DEEP within us...that all of a sudden hit us in the face.

If you speak with him, be honest about how you feel, but don't take out your anger/frustration out on him. You can express that you harbor anger and frustration and resentment, etc., but in a calm manner so that he absorbs it and then can respond accordingly.

Whatever happens, best of luck.

Hey, first of all, you have my whole support.

-

I can't really speak from my personal experience though - I spent my childhood in a nuclear family with both biological parents present. However, my father's father left him when he was a child and he reappeared once his girlfriend dumped him, so he returned to my grandma and married her again because he was dying and he wanted her to receive state benefits as a widow. He died many years before I was born.

-

My uncle actually left his then-wife, his biological son, and step-daughter for a girlfriend. I have always lived in a really awkward atmosphere because we all knew he did a bad thing but we still were in touch with him. My cousin doesn't want to speak to him and he even didn't invite him to his wedding.

-

I just want to tell you that it's completely OK to feel the way you feel. And that you're not the only person who's going through this. Regardless of all those terrible people in your life, you are an awesome person. You have a right to feel angry or sad or anyhow else.

Thank you for the good luck wishes Yeah a day after I posted this, the whole anxiety thing kicked in again, as if I touched a subject I shouldn't have touched.....it was weird and kinda horrible. Seems like I'm over it for now.

PurpleJedi said:

Dude - sorry that you're going through this.

Sounds like you hit a rough patch and your father's abandonment is a sore point which is adding to it.

We all carry things within us...sometimes DEEP within us...that all of a sudden hit us in the face.

If you speak with him, be honest about how you feel, but don't take out your anger/frustration out on him. You can express that you harbor anger and frustration and resentment, etc., but in a calm manner so that he absorbs it and then can respond accordingly.

Whatever happens, best of luck.

Is your uncle your father's brother? I always found it interesting that sometimes the son (s) display the same behaviour as their father.......there was a time when I was afraid that there is something I do all the time that only my father did....and sometimes I was even scared that I will be like him.....but then again....when I think about being a father.....I feel good....like, if it's the right time, the right person.....then I'd be very happy. Don't know, but I don't think that my father had these thoughts when my mom told him that she's pregnant with my sister and me.

FullLipsDotNose said:

Hey, first of all, you have my whole support.

-

I can't really speak from my personal experience though - I spent my childhood in a nuclear family with both biological parents present. However, my father's father left him when he was a child and he reappeared once his girlfriend dumped him, so he returned to my grandma and married her again because he was dying and he wanted her to receive state benefits as a widow. He died many years before I was born.

-

My uncle actually left his then-wife, his biological son, and step-daughter for a girlfriend. I have always lived in a really awkward atmosphere because we all knew he did a bad thing but we still were in touch with him. My cousin doesn't want to speak to him and he even didn't invite him to his wedding.

-

I just want to tell you that it's completely OK to feel the way you feel. And that you're not the only person who's going through this. Regardless of all those terrible people in your life, you are an awesome person. You have a right to feel angry or sad or anyhow else.

S2DG said:

My

Being a father means being in your life and helping you figure it out. A man who has a son and doesn't do this may technically be your father but it has little to do with being a father.

Genetic info would be helpful so you can watch for things that you are predisposed to because of his genes.

Forgiveness is important not for him but for you. It took me a long time to figure this out as I always had the perspective that it was for the other person. It's not, you have to have peace of mind for the rest of your life.

After reading a few of your personal posts I would suggest that you keep a journal. It's really helpful for flushing out your thoughts and getting things out. It's also great for organizing your thoughts later when you're not so "in the moment".

Hope this helps.

Yes I will definitely get a journal tho. Thanks for that tipp.

purplethunder3121 said:

Sometimes it's better not knowing your father... If you grow up with an abusive bully who didn't want you to begin with, better an absent one than one you grow up with and learn to hate. But, also, whether present or absent, it is better to come to terms with the relationship or lack of it within yourself than to let it fester on for the rest of your life. Even if you never meet the man in person, you should write letters to him about the way you feel and your experiences; that way if you ever get a chance to meet him, you will know what you want to say and what questions to ask. I'm actually the only one of my siblings to ask my father about stuff from the past years ago; the only response I got was an aknowledgement that he "sinned" and did his family wrong. That was the closest to an admission, discussion, and apology that I will ever get. That was enough and I laid the past to rest. Other family members haven't. In the end, it benefits you to make peace about it with yourself, so you can let the past go as much as possible and move on from there... Just my two cents.

After the last 3 or 4 days I don't want to meet this guy anymore......I went through some rough days after I started this thread and I don't want to go through this mess anymore.....so I think I don't care anymore what he's doing now, why he left etc......I think I'd be better off without thinking too much about him.... I don't know.

EmmaMcG said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

I don't care about why he left either. He's an asshole for that. I just sometimes get this weird feeling were I then think that I need to tell him about what I feel about it. Not all the time, but sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere and then it haunts me for days.

I know exactly how you feel. I can be fairly confrontational, especially when I'm not feeling well. And earlier this year when I was in hospital thinking I was going to die, there were moments when I wished my father was there so I could tell him exactly what I thought about him. I don't believe in God but I almost found myself praying he'd show up at the hospital so I could really lay into him. But, when cooler heads prevail, I realise that I don't want to see him. My life has actually turned out quite well. Much better than his life or my mother's for that matter. And I put that down to not having parental guidance when I was growing up. Had he stayed, I probably would have ended up just like him. A broke junkie living in squalor. And you've grown up to be a nice guy. One of the good ones. So you're probably better off too. A man who would be willing to walk out on his family is no kind of role model and you're definitely a better person for not having his influence on your life.

Thank you and you're right about the role model thing......I think sometimes it's better not to know somebody, or not to be raised by them.