i feel for you and everyone who are in this position sincerely hoping things work out for the best

DaveT said:

paisleypark4 said:

Hello. My brothers and I are in a rut about our father. Last year his stomach hurt so bad he was hospitalized. They found a growth on his pancreas and found out he had stage 2 diabetes out of nowhere to us at least. Long story short. He had surgery and chemotherapy. However now he is refusing to eat the foods he is supposed to eat. We have been cooking for him and buying the food he likes but as soon as he eats it runs right out his body. Now he is so thin and frail he cannot go to the bathroom by himself or get himself out the bed. He refuses to sit in a wheelchair. He refusing to have anyone over to see him. We dont know what to do and cant quit our jobs to do everything for him. Any suggestions?

I feel for you ... my Dad is 70, has had serious anxiety and depression for years, then couple of years back he got diagnosed with Parkinsons, at quite an advanced stage. My sisters, bro and I have done all we can to help him and get him comfy and set up. My Mum did loads to, but had to step away in the end as it was taking too much of a toll on her. Biggest issue is he's not doing enough to help himself.

I swing back and forth between feeling guilty that I'm not doing enough, to being angry that Dad isn't helping himself and the impact that's having on my own life ... then I feel guilty for feeling the latter. Vicious circle!

I think you need to accept that you can't do everything. If your Dad still has mental capacity and can make choices, he needs to start helping himself ... unfair to expect you to do it all. Just my two cents dude.

Thank you very much! We are both going through the same exact thing. My father mind is starting to go. Asked me to buy him a $15 cake out of nowhere, I bought it he had one slice and havent touched it since. Demands we get him cigarretts and he not supposed to smoke. Argues with me about showering, refusing to let us bathe him. I am right there with you on the guilt part. They are saying these are natural feelings and we should not feel bad about it, especially when they are not thinking straight. Basically just waiting around to call 911 it seems but we all are there for him.

[Edited 7/31/18 8:14am]

paisleypark4 said:

DaveT said:

I feel for you ... my Dad is 70, has had serious anxiety and depression for years, then couple of years back he got diagnosed with Parkinsons, at quite an advanced stage. My sisters, bro and I have done all we can to help him and get him comfy and set up. My Mum did loads to, but had to step away in the end as it was taking too much of a toll on her. Biggest issue is he's not doing enough to help himself.

I swing back and forth between feeling guilty that I'm not doing enough, to being angry that Dad isn't helping himself and the impact that's having on my own life ... then I feel guilty for feeling the latter. Vicious circle!

I think you need to accept that you can't do everything. If your Dad still has mental capacity and can make choices, he needs to start helping himself ... unfair to expect you to do it all. Just my two cents dude.

Thank you very much! We are both going through the same exact thing. My father mind is starting to go. Asked me to buy him a $15 cake out of nowhere, I bought it he had one slice and havent touched it since. Demands we get him cigarretts and he not supposed to smoke. Argues with me about showering, refusing to let us bathe him. I am right there with you on the guilt part. They are saying these are natural feelings and we should not feel bad about it, especially when they are not thinking straight. Basically just waiting around to call 911 it seems but we all are there for him.

[Edited 7/31/18 8:14am]

Totally get that mate ... my heart jumps when my phone rings and its my Mum, as I know there's a good chance its not gonna be good news.

My Dad's been getting water infections as well, which has had a really bad inpact on his behaviour and mental well-being (I'll spare the gory details) ... the last phone call I got from Mum when it was kicking off will stay with me forever.

You ever need to natter dude, or sound off, there's plenty of good folk on here ... give me a PM if you need to, I'm usually about. Make sure you take time for yourself to and those things in life you love, be it film, music, walks, whatever ... that's helped me alot.

DaveT said:

paisleypark4 said:

Hello. My brothers and I are in a rut about our father. Last year his stomach hurt so bad he was hospitalized. They found a growth on his pancreas and found out he had stage 2 diabetes out of nowhere to us at least. Long story short. He had surgery and chemotherapy. However now he is refusing to eat the foods he is supposed to eat. We have been cooking for him and buying the food he likes but as soon as he eats it runs right out his body. Now he is so thin and frail he cannot go to the bathroom by himself or get himself out the bed. He refuses to sit in a wheelchair. He refusing to have anyone over to see him. We dont know what to do and cant quit our jobs to do everything for him. Any suggestions?

I feel for you ... my Dad is 70, has had serious anxiety and depression for years, then couple of years back he got diagnosed with Parkinsons, at quite an advanced stage. My sisters, bro and I have done all we can to help him and get him comfy and set up. My Mum did loads to, but had to step away in the end as it was taking too much of a toll on her. Biggest issue is he's not doing enough to help himself.

I swing back and forth between feeling guilty that I'm not doing enough, to being angry that Dad isn't helping himself and the impact that's having on my own life ... then I feel guilty for feeling the latter. Vicious circle!

I think you need to accept that you can't do everything. If your Dad still has mental capacity and can make choices, he needs to start helping himself ... unfair to expect you to do it all. Just my two cents dude.

Has the doctors said what stage your dad's Parkinson's is at? I've seen some clients in the early stages that want to do for themselves, but they are limited in what they can do because of how the diesease effects them. Stage one may only effect one side, but for some people, that stage can be debilitating to them if the side it is effecting is their dominant side. That's the bad thing about Parkinson's, that it is progressive and just gets worse over time. The anxiety and depression have probably been exacerbated with the Parkinson's diagnosis. It's pretty hard to stay "up" when you know your body is going to continue to betray you more and more as the disease progresses.

The one thing I really try to stress to caregivers is that you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. We can get people in there to help alleviate some of the burden, but if you try to do everything you're going to wear yourself out and then you most definitely will not be able to give the best care possible to your loved one. Finding and understanding your limitations is so vital to your own well-being. It doesn't do anyone any good if you wear yourself down.

But feelings of guilt, feelings of "why do I have to deal with this?", feelings of shame, feelings of blame, anger at the parent, anger at other family members... these are all normal for a caregiver to go through. I always look at it as a sort of grieving process. While your loved one may be grieving their loss of independence, the caregiver is also grieving the loss of their time, freedom, and watching the decline of their loved one adds a sense of guilt to those feelings.

You do what you can when you can, but ALWAYS make sure to find the time for you, for your kids and/or spouse if you have them. I've seen marriages suffer because one spouse is taking care of an elderly parent and the other spouse feels neglected and unappreciated. Don't put your life on hold. And that's why it is so important to get someone to come in and help out, or to get the family to work together to give you a break. (Easier said than done a lot of times when it comes to family. Usually, it's one child taking care of the elderly parent, while the rest of the siblings go about their lives as though nothing is wrong. And that one child ends up putting their life on hold.)

And always remember you aren't alone, even though it feels like that sometimes. There are caregiver support groups out there, talk with your friends and family, and set boundaries for yourself. You still have other obligations that you are trying to meet and you don't want to spread yourself too thin. Being a caregiver isn't easy. It's emotionally, physically, and financially draining. So look out for you, too.

paisleypark4 said:

Hello. My brothers and I are in a rut about our father. Last year his stomach hurt so bad he was hospitalized. They found a growth on his pancreas and found out he had stage 2 diabetes out of nowhere to us at least. Long story short. He had surgery and chemotherapy. However now he is refusing to eat the foods he is supposed to eat. We have been cooking for him and buying the food he likes but as soon as he eats it runs right out his body. Now he is so thin and frail he cannot go to the bathroom by himself or get himself out the bed. He refuses to sit in a wheelchair. He refusing to have anyone over to see him. We dont know what to do and cant quit our jobs to do everything for him. Any suggestions?

I am currently dealing with a couple (family), both who have dementia, both in failing health, both are highly stubborn in their own way. It is not easy the decisions that must be made at every moment.

Do everything you can to get a Power of Attorney AND a Medical Power of Attorney, they cover separate things. Power of Attorney, can be printed from online, be very careful because each state has it's own regulations on the wording. Expect to meet resistance in all areas, the medical community, the financial institutions, social services, everywhere, a lot of people are not accommadating and helpful, stay persistant. Note a POA is very limited in the power it gives you in the long run. Your father may be resistant in giving you and your brother that much authority over his affairs, but again be persistant. You can reassure him that he will still have full legal control over all of his affairs, but it will give you and your brother the ability to access crucial information (without lawyer or court involvement) while he is alive to start getting his affairs in order. Also note that it becomes null and void if he should pass, which means you will no longer have legal access to his bank accounts, medical records or any other information to conclude his business, you will need to become an executor (which means court and strict oversite) eventually, but a POA is easy access and it will give you time and freedom of movement to at least get the ball to rolling.

Hi all. Not much to add, except I'm in the same place with my dad that you are with your families, and I hope the best for all of you, and us too.

benni said:

DaveT said:

I feel for you ... my Dad is 70, has had serious anxiety and depression for years, then couple of years back he got diagnosed with Parkinsons, at quite an advanced stage. My sisters, bro and I have done all we can to help him and get him comfy and set up. My Mum did loads to, but had to step away in the end as it was taking too much of a toll on her. Biggest issue is he's not doing enough to help himself.

I swing back and forth between feeling guilty that I'm not doing enough, to being angry that Dad isn't helping himself and the impact that's having on my own life ... then I feel guilty for feeling the latter. Vicious circle!

I think you need to accept that you can't do everything. If your Dad still has mental capacity and can make choices, he needs to start helping himself ... unfair to expect you to do it all. Just my two cents dude.

Has the doctors said what stage your dad's Parkinson's is at? I've seen some clients in the early stages that want to do for themselves, but they are limited in what they can do because of how the diesease effects them. Stage one may only effect one side, but for some people, that stage can be debilitating to them if the side it is effecting is their dominant side. That's the bad thing about Parkinson's, that it is progressive and just gets worse over time. The anxiety and depression have probably been exacerbated with the Parkinson's diagnosis. It's pretty hard to stay "up" when you know your body is going to continue to betray you more and more as the disease progresses.

The one thing I really try to stress to caregivers is that you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. We can get people in there to help alleviate some of the burden, but if you try to do everything you're going to wear yourself out and then you most definitely will not be able to give the best care possible to your loved one. Finding and understanding your limitations is so vital to your own well-being. It doesn't do anyone any good if you wear yourself down.

But feelings of guilt, feelings of "why do I have to deal with this?", feelings of shame, feelings of blame, anger at the parent, anger at other family members... these are all normal for a caregiver to go through. I always look at it as a sort of grieving process. While your loved one may be grieving their loss of independence, the caregiver is also grieving the loss of their time, freedom, and watching the decline of their loved one adds a sense of guilt to those feelings.

You do what you can when you can, but ALWAYS make sure to find the time for you, for your kids and/or spouse if you have them. I've seen marriages suffer because one spouse is taking care of an elderly parent and the other spouse feels neglected and unappreciated. Don't put your life on hold. And that's why it is so important to get someone to come in and help out, or to get the family to work together to give you a break. (Easier said than done a lot of times when it comes to family. Usually, it's one child taking care of the elderly parent, while the rest of the siblings go about their lives as though nothing is wrong. And that one child ends up putting their life on hold.)

And always remember you aren't alone, even though it feels like that sometimes. There are caregiver support groups out there, talk with your friends and family, and set boundaries for yourself. You still have other obligations that you are trying to meet and you don't want to spread yourself too thin. Being a caregiver isn't easy. It's emotionally, physically, and financially draining. So look out for you, too.

Thanks for the words, buddy, very much appreciated

Stage 4 ... Dad has care calls few times a day to help get him up, do meals, wash, that sort of thing. He's only been diagnosed last couple of years though. Mum and Dad are very old fashioned, never went to the docs, etc ... Mum just assumed Dad being unsteady on his feet was old sports injuries or effects of the anti-depressants he's been on for years. It was not until he had a fall and fractured his hip they tested and said he had Parkinsons and had had it for some time.

I'm closest to Dad location wise so I go round quite a bit on lunchbreaks and after work. My bro and two sisters live further away and don't have the relationship I had with him, so they aren't as involved (which I can understand given some of the choices Dad made over the years). I totally take your point about time for yourself (even though when I do that I then feel a bit guilty for it) and my missus has been amazing through it.

Sad thing is, my folks struggled through most of their lives (we weren't a well off family) but I thought their autumn years might finally bring them some enjoyment ... they sold our little family home recently so they actually have money for the first time ever. But all the time and money is now going on Dads care, and Mum stepped away as she couldn't cope, so they aren't even together now. Life can be a real c*nt sometimes.

DaveT said:

paisleypark4 said:

PaisleyPark4, I'm so sorry for your loss! Is there anything we can do for you? Sending you prayers and hugs through this time.

PaisleyPark4 I'm so sorry for your loss My prayers go out to you and your family.

paisleypark4 said:

DaveT said:

Thanks for the words, buddy, very much appreciated

Stage 4 ... Dad has care calls few times a day to help get him up, do meals, wash, that sort of thing. He's only been diagnosed last couple of years though. Mum and Dad are very old fashioned, never went to the docs, etc ... Mum just assumed Dad being unsteady on his feet was old sports injuries or effects of the anti-depressants he's been on for years. It was not until he had a fall and fractured his hip they tested and said he had Parkinsons and had had it for some time.

I'm closest to Dad location wise so I go round quite a bit on lunchbreaks and after work. My bro and two sisters live further away and don't have the relationship I had with him, so they aren't as involved (which I can understand given some of the choices Dad made over the years). I totally take your point about time for yourself (even though when I do that I then feel a bit guilty for it) and my missus has been amazing through it.

Sad thing is, my folks struggled through most of their lives (we weren't a well off family) but I thought their autumn years might finally bring them some enjoyment ... they sold our little family home recently so they actually have money for the first time ever. But all the time and money is now going on Dads care, and Mum stepped away as she couldn't cope, so they aren't even together now. Life can be a real c*nt sometimes.

Any updates on your pops?

Not been great ... he took to his bed last few weeks, and with it being so hot here in the UK recently he wasn't drinking enough ... more water infections, couple more falls, couple more trips to the hospital. I had the "you gotta look after yourself more" chat with him for the millionth time. Can't say enough about his carers and the hospital staff though, they're actual heroes I swear.

Just seen your news buddy ... so sorry to read that Huge condolences.

Never really know what to say at time likes this, but if you need a natter give me a nudge, or any of the other great folk on here. This being a Prince site, music always helps get me through the rubbish times in life ... reach for the Prince collection dude.