Talk to his doctor. Get him seen. Ask the doctor what options are available.

What is his prognosis??

He may also be depressed. Is there a mental health team who can come and see him? Otherwise consult the doctor.

Maybe look at getting a Power of Attorney to look after your fathers financial affairs like paying bills etc. Consult an attorney.

Since you cannot afford to quit your jobs I suggest looking at having some sort of home care folks come in for you.

luv4u said:

paisleypark4 said:

luv4u said:

Talk to his doctor. Get him seen. Ask the doctor what options are available.

What is his prognosis??

He may also be depressed. Is there a mental health team who can come and see him? Otherwise consult the doctor.

Maybe look at getting a Power of Attorney to look after your fathers financial affairs like paying bills etc. Consult an attorney.

Since you cannot afford to quit your jobs I suggest looking at having some sort of home care folks come in for you.

He denies us access to his doctor or his medical records. I'm assuming he has pancreas cancer. Has all the signs of cancer so far. Yes we are discussing a PCA in the near future as he is not gaining any weight or picking up an appetite and my little brother is worn out tsking care of him. He has an appointment this wed I will ask about. Thank you.

There is also the option of palliatative care (hospice) where he is in a facility to make his days as comfortable as possible.

If you know the doctors name then try call them. Otherwise you will have to seek the advice of an attorney as your father is not well to take care of any of his affairs.

paisleypark4 said:

Hello. My brothers and I are in a rut about our father. Last year his stomach hurt so bad he was hospitalized. They found a growth on his pancreas and found out he had stage 2 diabetes out of nowhere to us at least. Long story short. He had surgery and chemotherapy. However now he is refusing to eat the foods he is supposed to eat. We have been cooking for him and buying the food he likes but as soon as he eats it runs right out his body. Now he is so thin and frail he cannot go to the bathroom by himself or get himself out the bed. He refuses to sit in a wheelchair. He refusing to have anyone over to see him. We dont know what to do and cant quit our jobs to do everything for him. Any suggestions?

It sounds to me like he has given up. I would ignore his refusals to go over and see him, even though he is pushing away, he's probably grateful for the help you're giving - refusing help could be because he feels like he is being a burden on you - make it clear that this is not the case (even if it feels like it at times). Luv4U gave some great advice regarding power of attorney and depression, make sure you get the support you need to in this difficult time.

The term "giving up" can be really dismissive and derogatory.

It does sound like your father has made a decision to let his life come to a natural end. That is a strong and valid choice, not the lack of one. You cannot force a family member into something they just don't want anymore. It's his life, his reasons are his own and need to be honored and respected.

In 2012, My mother did the same thing. She had a grapefruit-sized growth in her lower colon. When she had surgery, they found cancer elsewhere and she would have had a colostomy bag (an idea she would never have tolerated). She stopped eating and after two months she was gone. She had surgery in February, and on April 21 she died on her own terms.

Talk to your father, have great conversations with him or just spend time with him. If he's made his decision with his life, respect it. Don't force him to a doctor or life support or something that would make is time and yours muddled and more unhappy. Travel with him on his journey as far as you can, don't repave his path. Plan for the inevitable and make the most of the time left.

TrivialPursuit said:

The term "giving up" can be really dismissive and derogatory.

It does sound like your father has made a decision to let his life come to a natural end. That is a strong and valid choice, not the lack of one. You cannot force a family member into something they just don't want anymore. It's his life, his reasons are his own and need to be honored and respected.

In 2012, My mother did the same thing. She had a grapefruit-sized growth in her lower colon. When she had surgery, they found cancer elsewhere and she would have had a colostomy bag (an idea she would never have tolerated). She stopped eating and after two months she was gone. She had surgery in February, and on April 21 she died on her own terms.

Talk to your father, have great conversations with him or just spend time with him. If he's made his decision with his life, respect it. Don't force him to a doctor or life support or something that would make is time and yours muddled and more unhappy. Travel with him on his journey as far as you can, don't repave his path. Plan for the inevitable and make the most of the time left.

TrivialPursuit said:

First of, I'm really sorry that you have to go through this I can't even imagine how hard this must be. But I'm with TP here....it seems like your Dad made a decision and I can't think of anything else besides respecting it. Try to spend as much time as possible with your Dad. Maybe you can talk to him about it, showing him options and all but ultimately, it's his decision what he makes of it.

maplenpg said:

TrivialPursuit said:

The term "giving up" can be really dismissive and derogatory.

It does sound like your father has made a decision to let his life come to a natural end. That is a strong and valid choice, not the lack of one. You cannot force a family member into something they just don't want anymore. It's his life, his reasons are his own and need to be honored and respected.

In 2012, My mother did the same thing. She had a grapefruit-sized growth in her lower colon. When she had surgery, they found cancer elsewhere and she would have had a colostomy bag (an idea she would never have tolerated). She stopped eating and after two months she was gone. She had surgery in February, and on April 21 she died on her own terms.

Talk to your father, have great conversations with him or just spend time with him. If he's made his decision with his life, respect it. Don't force him to a doctor or life support or something that would make is time and yours muddled and more unhappy. Travel with him on his journey as far as you can, don't repave his path. Plan for the inevitable and make the most of the time left.

My bad with regards 'giving up' - Great post TP.

I figured maybe you didn't quite mean it that way, but I wanted to quickly point it out.

paisleypark4 said:

Hello. My brothers and I are in a rut about our father. Last year his stomach hurt so bad he was hospitalized. They found a growth on his pancreas and found out he had stage 2 diabetes out of nowhere to us at least. Long story short. He had surgery and chemotherapy. However now he is refusing to eat the foods he is supposed to eat. We have been cooking for him and buying the food he likes but as soon as he eats it runs right out his body. Now he is so thin and frail he cannot go to the bathroom by himself or get himself out the bed. He refuses to sit in a wheelchair. He refusing to have anyone over to see him. We dont know what to do and cant quit our jobs to do everything for him. Any suggestions?

Where are you located? Does he qualify for Medicaid? Many states have programs that offer long term care to elderly and disabled individuals. These programs get an aide in the home to assist around the house and with personal care, and other needed services. Some states offer up to 40 hours of aide assistance in the home per week, others offer 20. SC only offers 20 hours per week.

If he is refusing treatment, refusing assistance, and if his cognitive skills are compromised in any way, you may be able to call APS (Adult Protective Services) and they will come out to assess him. But this is only if his cognitive skills are compromised. If he has made a decision, and is still able to make his own decisions, APS may say that they cannot get involved. But you could speak with them, because it may be different in other states.

It sounds to me like he has gotten a diagnosis that has caused him to reassess his choices. He could need mental health to see him, to help him work through his feelings. Or you can circumvent him and go to his doctor and explain what is going on. While the doctor cannot give you any PHI if your father has signed something that limits who the doctor can talk to, the doctor can listen to your concerns and decide how to move forward in treating your father.

I'm a social worker (case manager) with a program in SC that provides assistance to elderly and disabled individuals that allow them to remain at home, rather than to go into a facility. We have a wide range of services that we can put into place to allow them to maintain some independence in the home. All of our clients have Medicaid.

Your father may be afraid of losing his independence. He may be afraid that he will end up in a nursing home. If you can get him to talk with you, you can reassure him that there are programs that allow him to maintain his independence at home.

[Edited 7/23/18 19:20pm]

paisleypark4 said:

luv4u said:

Talk to his doctor. Get him seen. Ask the doctor what options are available.

What is his prognosis??

He may also be depressed. Is there a mental health team who can come and see him? Otherwise consult the doctor.

Maybe look at getting a Power of Attorney to look after your fathers financial affairs like paying bills etc. Consult an attorney.

Since you cannot afford to quit your jobs I suggest looking at having some sort of home care folks come in for you.

He denies us access to his doctor or his medical records. I'm assuming he has pancreas cancer. Has all the signs of cancer so far. Yes we are discussing a PCA in the near future as he is not gaining any weight or picking up an appetite and my little brother is worn out tsking care of him. He has an appointment this wed I will ask about. Thank you.

Try nutritional supplements (like Ensure). We often authorize up to two cases per month (if the doctor states the client needs them) to assist with meeting nutritional needs. And if he doesn't like them, you can always mix them with ice cream to make a shake. This gives them more of the needed calories, too. (This is what we would recommend doing when I was a social worker with a hospice agency.)

[Edited 7/23/18 19:15pm]

luv4u said:

Talk to his doctor. Get him seen. Ask the doctor what options are available.

What is his prognosis??

He may also be depressed. Is there a mental health team who can come and see him? Otherwise consult the doctor.

Maybe look at getting a Power of Attorney to look after your fathers financial affairs like paying bills etc. Consult an attorney.

Since you cannot afford to quit your jobs I suggest looking at having some sort of home care folks come in for you.

His father would have to agree with the POA if he is still independent with his cognitive skills.

benni said:

luv4u said:

Talk to his doctor. Get him seen. Ask the doctor what options are available.

What is his prognosis??

He may also be depressed. Is there a mental health team who can come and see him? Otherwise consult the doctor.

Maybe look at getting a Power of Attorney to look after your fathers financial affairs like paying bills etc. Consult an attorney.

Since you cannot afford to quit your jobs I suggest looking at having some sort of home care folks come in for you.

His father would have to agree with the POA if he is still independent with his cognitive skills.

They should still consult an attorney. They cannot afford to quit their jobs to look after him.

luv4u said:

benni said:

His father would have to agree with the POA if he is still independent with his cognitive skills.

They should still consult an attorney. They cannot afford to quit their jobs to look after him.

Definitely.

Thank you for all the sound advice!! We are looking at someone to come in and watch him for a few hours during the day since he cannot go to work anymore (hes been working from home). I really appreciate all the feedback!

paisleypark4 said:

Thank you for all the sound advice!! We are looking at someone to come in and watch him for a few hours during the day since he cannot go to work anymore (hes been working from home). I really appreciate all the feedback!

Awesome. Gives you and your brothers peace of mind and a break and less stress.

I just wanted to say I will keep your fam in my prayers and I'm happy that you have your brothers helping. I had no one and good advice is very important.

I do not think it's helpful to nitpick terms such as "giving up" vs. "choice" or even letting go. You know your dad.....we do not. Aside from that, if anyone on here can give wise counsel based on years of professional knowledge and experience, trust Benni's advice.

One thing that I wish I had done more of when my mom and grandmother became ill is I wish I would have recorded more of our conversations on video before they were too ill to feel like participating. Not to always have a camera in his face, but if and when he feels up to it try to record some memories of both his life and the times you guys shared together.

Please keep us posted when you can.

I'm going through the same thing but with my mom. Taking care of my blind (and a lot more health issues) mother has been overwhelming. I've been getting the state and social workers involved to see what the best options for my mom. Foster care which is run by the state seems to be my best option. Talk to the state/doctors/social workers and get them involved. Let them know it is more than your family can handle. Find out what your father insurance covers.

kpowers said:

I'm going through the same thing but with my mom. Taking care of my blind (and a lot more health issues) mother has been overwhelming. I've been getting the state and social workers involved to see what the best options for my mom. Foster care which is run by the state seems to be my best option. Talk to the state/doctors/social workers and get them involved. Let them know it is more than your family can handle. Find out what your father insurance covers.

Kpowers do they have in home long term care in your state? Many states are adopting these programs because they've found that it saves the states (and taxpayers) money when an individual can remain in the home rather than going to a nursing facility. For the most part, services offered can include an aide coming into the home, nutritional supplements, frozen or shelf stable meals each week (some offer hot meals, but I'm finding our providers are cutting those out as gas prices spike), incontinence supplies, adult day health care facilities (which is an excellent option, as they provide transportation to and from the home and they are able to socialize with other individuals their own age and get involved in crafts and activities, as well as outings), PERS (personal emergency response systems), telemonitoring services, bath safety equipment, and even home modifications if there is a safety or accessibility issue in the home (and even ramps when needed). And (when we can find beds available) respite care for the families. There are other services, too, but I can't think of them all right now.

But for you and paisleypark4, if your parents aren't on Medicaid, you can still look into ADHC (Adult Day Health Care). They will monitor your parents health, ensure they take their medication as prescribed during the day, give them a hot meal and snacks, and, of course, allowing your parents a chance to socialize (which is so important). It's just another option that is available for your parents (and you, as caregivers).

paisleypark4 said:

Thank you for all the sound advice!! We are looking at someone to come in and watch him for a few hours during the day since he cannot go to work anymore (hes been working from home). I really appreciate all the feedback!

paisleypark4, keep in mind that it can get expensive if you are paying out of pocket. You also have the option of adult day health care, which would have a nurse on staff during the day to monitor his health, and may give your dad a sense of involvement. I've found some men aren't interested, because they just don't like to socialize, and others, lol they find themselves a girlfriend or three. (I love my clients!) You know your dad best, but just trying to give you another option if cost ever becomes an issue with the in home aide.

babynoz said:

I just wanted to say I will keep your fam in my prayers and I'm happy that you have your brothers helping. I had no one and good advice is very important.

I do not think it's helpful to nitpick terms such as "giving up" vs. "choice" or even letting go. You know your dad.....we do not. Aside from that, if anyone on here can give wise counsel based on years of professional knowledge and experience, trust Benni's advice.

One thing that I wish I had done more of when my mom and grandmother became ill is I wish I would have recorded more of our conversations on video before they were too ill to feel like participating. Not to always have a camera in his face, but if and when he feels up to it try to record some memories of both his life and the times you guys shared together.

Please keep us posted when you can.

Thanks, babynoz, for the vote of confidence!

benni said:

kpowers said:

I'm going through the same thing but with my mom. Taking care of my blind (and a lot more health issues) mother has been overwhelming. I've been getting the state and social workers involved to see what the best options for my mom. Foster care which is run by the state seems to be my best option. Talk to the state/doctors/social workers and get them involved. Let them know it is more than your family can handle. Find out what your father insurance covers.

Kpowers do they have in home long term care in your state? Many states are adopting these programs because they've found that it saves the states (and taxpayers) money when an individual can remain in the home rather than going to a nursing facility. For the most part, services offered can include an aide coming into the home, nutritional supplements, frozen or shelf stable meals each week (some offer hot meals, but I'm finding our providers are cutting those out as gas prices spike), incontinence supplies, adult day health care facilities (which is an excellent option, as they provide transportation to and from the home and they are able to socialize with other individuals their own age and get involved in crafts and activities, as well as outings), PERS (personal emergency response systems), telemonitoring services, bath safety equipment, and even home modifications if there is a safety or accessibility issue in the home (and even ramps when needed). And (when we can find beds available) respite care for the families. There are other services, too, but I can't think of them all right now.

But for you and paisleypark4, if your parents aren't on Medicaid, you can still look into ADHC (Adult Day Health Care). They will monitor your parents health, ensure they take their medication as prescribed during the day, give them a hot meal and snacks, and, of course, allowing your parents a chance to socialize (which is so important). It's just another option that is available for your parents (and you, as caregivers).

my mom needs 24 hours care and with my wife and I working full time jobs is very difficult. Foster care here would provide that.

Been here...

My late aunt was terminally ill; she could bring herself to admit to herself or to me. Everything was no: if I suggested it or said, .This is what needs to be done, no.' One of things she did was insist I tell now one about her illness. A hand full of people knew but she really leaned on me to do everything. What I realize now, she was afraid of losing control: I suspect your dad is around my late aunt's age, they're a very prideful generation (I say that in a positive manner) who've taken care of themselves all their lives. Its humbling to see his kids pop-in, "take control and making your decisions..

1, Setup an appointment with his doctor(s), to talk with him or her. Explain the impasses you are having with your father . Because at some point short and long term plains will come into play regarding, your dad's health care, medical bills, and possible other financial obligations you may have to l plan and/or sort out. You and your brother need to know how both of you will have to coordinate your lives to care for your father.

2. In the United States by law a doctor can't not release a patient to go home unless they are capable of taking care of themselves or someone living with them. Medic-Care pays all cost for living/ medical assistance facility for 100 days; 3 months plus 10 days. After a 100 days the patient is responsible for all cost. Depending on a patients health care plan/Medical Insurance, you father could get nurse and home care assistance, his doctor can assist you with contacting those agencies about get this assistance. Be pro-active, check out nursing homes/medical facilities now. If your father is a arm-forces veteran or a war veteran... see what assistance they can give. My aunt husband was a war veteran and she received a couple of hundred a month that contribute to her medical assistance/rehab/nursing home stay. That money came in handy because what I learned... most medical assistance /rehab nursing centers don't reserve a patients bed and Medic-Care doesn't pay for the room if the patients isn't there. So, when she had to go to the hospital for emergencies or short stints, she had to pay to reserve that bed/room out of her own pocket, which as about 200 dollars a day. That was a bless because when I searched for a rehab nursing facilities, many were dumps/sub-standard (they stayed full) and those that were really nice stayed full too,

Let me say this...

People always say don't put your loved on in a rehab/nursing home. You know how hard it can be to guide someone to the bathroom who's already sick, physically unstable, and weak? It feels like you attempting to balance dead weight. You have to consider at some point paisleypark4 father may not be able to get out of bed to use the bathroom or wash himself. Then she and her brother will be required to clean their dad up, turn him every couple of hours a day (to prevent bedsores) put on clean sheets everyday and attend to all of his grooming needs to a person who may become bed ridden. What if their dad requires medication every day several times a day. Some drugs may have to be given by a nurse with a doctors permission every time. Or there's a medical emergency that a nurse can handle until the paramedics arrive. This is painful, scary things to consider but you have to think about the what ifs, so you make sure you taking care good care of a loved one.

Sorry to say, its been my experience employees aren't all that sympathetic when you, your mate, parent's or children get sick. I've known more people to lose jobs, than I know of employers who cared.

org me if you have anymore questions. Keep the faith.

ps. There's a difference between rehab nursing facilities & nursing homes.

========================================

[Edited 7/25/18 13:55pm]

[Edited 7/25/18 14:02pm]

benni said:

babynoz said:

I just wanted to say I will keep your fam in my prayers and I'm happy that you have your brothers helping. I had no one and good advice is very important.

I do not think it's helpful to nitpick terms such as "giving up" vs. "choice" or even letting go. You know your dad.....we do not. Aside from that, if anyone on here can give wise counsel based on years of professional knowledge and experience, trust Benni's advice.

One thing that I wish I had done more of when my mom and grandmother became ill is I wish I would have recorded more of our conversations on video before they were too ill to feel like participating. Not to always have a camera in his face, but if and when he feels up to it try to record some memories of both his life and the times you guys shared together.

Please keep us posted when you can.

Thanks, babynoz, for the vote of confidence!

Tis true.

Hey thank you guys so much, I wish I could respond to all of them at once but I get emotional even just reading it. So far he has agreed to having us buy him depends. He said he is ok with that. He has been eating more of the food I have been cooking him. We will see he has a doctors appointment today at 5 but i am glad he is not in pain anymore. Keeping the faith up. I was suprised to see him lift himself up to eat so maybe he is getting stronger.

paisleypark4 said:

Hey thank you guys so much, I wish I could respond to all of them at once but I get emotional even just reading it. So far he has agreed to having us buy him depends. He said he is ok with that. He has been eating more of the food I have been cooking him. We will see he has a doctors appointment today at 5 but i am glad he is not in pain anymore. Keeping the faith up. I was suprised to see him lift himself up to eat so maybe he is getting stronger.

if it becomes to much ask for help from the state/doctors/social workers.

paisleypark4 said:

Hey thank you guys so much, I wish I could respond to all of them at once but I get emotional even just reading it. So far he has agreed to having us buy him depends. He said he is ok with that. He has been eating more of the food I have been cooking him. We will see he has a doctors appointment today at 5 but i am glad he is not in pain anymore. Keeping the faith up. I was suprised to see him lift himself up to eat so maybe he is getting stronger.

That sounds like good news I hope it will continue to get better

paisleypark4 said:

Hello. My brothers and I are in a rut about our father. Last year his stomach hurt so bad he was hospitalized. They found a growth on his pancreas and found out he had stage 2 diabetes out of nowhere to us at least. Long story short. He had surgery and chemotherapy. However now he is refusing to eat the foods he is supposed to eat. We have been cooking for him and buying the food he likes but as soon as he eats it runs right out his body. Now he is so thin and frail he cannot go to the bathroom by himself or get himself out the bed. He refuses to sit in a wheelchair. He refusing to have anyone over to see him. We dont know what to do and cant quit our jobs to do everything for him. Any suggestions?

I feel for you ... my Dad is 70, has had serious anxiety and depression for years, then couple of years back he got diagnosed with Parkinsons, at quite an advanced stage. My sisters, bro and I have done all we can to help him and get him comfy and set up. My Mum did loads to, but had to step away in the end as it was taking too much of a toll on her. Biggest issue is he's not doing enough to help himself.

I swing back and forth between feeling guilty that I'm not doing enough, to being angry that Dad isn't helping himself and the impact that's having on my own life ... then I feel guilty for feeling the latter. Vicious circle!

I think you need to accept that you can't do everything. If your Dad still has mental capacity and can make choices, he needs to start helping himself ... unfair to expect you to do it all. Just my two cents dude.