9 years ago, something happened. I almost got kidnapped when I was 11 years old, I think I was just lucky on this day. The thing is, nothing was done for me to cope with it. There was a programm I had to attend after school because my mom was working, anyway, when I got there after that, these people said I was paranoid and everything is fine. But it wasn't. I guess the first wrong thing they did was, that they didn't send me home, I had to stay there for the rest of the day, I cried the whole day.

But the main problem was and still is, that no one thought of a therapist, I couldn't talk about it, I couldn't process it. I think that's where my anxiety and depression started. Because of that, I always want to be in controll of every single situation, I can't let my sister go out in town alone without calling her, she says that she understands my situation but I don't think that it's healthy. I don't want to be this way, but I can't stop it, because I feel like, if something happens to her and I didn't call her, then it's my fault.......

Anyway...it was nine years ago and only recently it hit me again, like a fucking fist that hits you out of nowhere and fucks you up. It wasn't in my mind for 9 years and now I'm sitting here and sometimes I get flashbacks, it's like I'm at this place again but this time the guy gets me and when it hits me I get mild anxiety attacks.

Is here anybody who has experienced a trauma? What can I do when these flashbacks come? How can I deal with it without getting an anxiety attack?

See a psychologist or a therapist for your mental health to help you get through this.

Your wounds are still raw. If you don't seek help then this trauma will affect your life for the rest of your days.

ThatWhiteDude said:

9 years ago, something happened. I almost got kidnapped when I was 11 years old, I think I was just lucky on this day. The thing is, nothing was done for me to cope with it. There was a programm I had to attend after school because my mom was working, anyway, when I got there after that, these people said I was paranoid and everything is fine. But it wasn't. I guess the first wrong thing they did was, that they didn't send me home, I had to stay there for the rest of the day, I cried the whole day.

But the main problem was and still is, that no one thought of a therapist, I couldn't talk about it, I couldn't process it. I think that's where my anxiety and depression started. Because of that, I always want to be in controll of every single situation, I can't let my sister go out in town alone without calling her, she says that she understands my situation but I don't think that it's healthy. I don't want to be this way, but I can't stop it, because I feel like, if something happens to her and I didn't call her, then it's my fault.......

Anyway...it was nine years ago and only recently it hit me again, like a fucking fist that hits you out of nowhere and fucks you up. It wasn't in my mind for 9 years and now I'm sitting here and sometimes I get flashbacks, it's like I'm at this place again but this time the guy gets me and when it hits me I get mild anxiety attacks.

Is here anybody who has experienced a trauma? What can I do when these flashbacks come? How can I deal with it without getting an anxiety attack?

counseling help. there are free therapists and hotlines you can reach out to when you're ready. there are support groups out there and they can help too.

finding a belief system that aids you in forgiving the person who (almost) kidnapped you and the situation you found yourself in following that event can help.

your family probably didn't know how damaged you were at the time. i don't think they would have just let it go if they'd know how deeply you were affected.

so sorry you went through that. please don't give up.

[Edited 5/4/18 20:08pm]

ThatWhiteDude said:

9 years ago, something happened. I almost got kidnapped when I was 11 years old, I think I was just lucky on this day. The thing is, nothing was done for me to cope with it. There was a programm I had to attend after school because my mom was working, anyway, when I got there after that, these people said I was paranoid and everything is fine. But it wasn't. I guess the first wrong thing they did was, that they didn't send me home, I had to stay there for the rest of the day, I cried the whole day.

But the main problem was and still is, that no one thought of a therapist, I couldn't talk about it, I couldn't process it. I think that's where my anxiety and depression started. Because of that, I always want to be in controll of every single situation, I can't let my sister go out in town alone without calling her, she says that she understands my situation but I don't think that it's healthy. I don't want to be this way, but I can't stop it, because I feel like, if something happens to her and I didn't call her, then it's my fault.......

Anyway...it was nine years ago and only recently it hit me again, like a fucking fist that hits you out of nowhere and fucks you up. It wasn't in my mind for 9 years and now I'm sitting here and sometimes I get flashbacks, it's like I'm at this place again but this time the guy gets me and when it hits me I get mild anxiety attacks.

Is here anybody who has experienced a trauma? What can I do when these flashbacks come? How can I deal with it without getting an anxiety attack?

First of all, you do need to find a counselor.

In the interim, the way to deal with flashbacks when they occur is to ground yourself, ground your senses.
1. Sound - blare loud jarring music

2. Taste - bite into a lemon

3. Touch - grip a piece of ice

4. Smell - sniff a piece of peppermint (unless that is a trigger), then smell some other strong scent

5. Sight - Look around you, take inventory of everything, list everything, count everything

These techniques help to keep you grounded in the present moment. My thing was counting. I never knew why I counted, but I would count my steps as I walking. Repeatedly, like a cadence. 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4. I don't know why I ever started it when I was little, but I did.

Something had to have triggered you recently, that brought this all back up. It could have been a sight, sound, smell, taste, touch, a statement, a voice, a cologne, the same type of vehicle, or even hearing a similar story. Flashbacks are caused by triggers. You have to learn to identify your triggers. Each time a flashback occurs, try to remember what exactly happened immediately prior to the flashback, write it down, look for the pattern of what it is that is triggering you.

You are 20 years old and you are talking that you weren't able to get counseling when you were young, after it occurred. You are an adult now, and there is no one to prevent you from getting that counseling now. I wasn't able to get counseling when I was young, when the abuse occurred, but it did not prevent me from studying up on the subject, learning everything I could about it, how it would effect me; why I thought the way I did, felt the way I did, why I would react or act the way I would. I wanted to know exactly why and how it would effect me so that I could work on those issues. When I was an adult, I could no longer blame my family for not getting me counseling, because it was now my responsibility to take care of myself and get the help I needed. I will admit, though, at 20, I was still trying to find my way and figure it all out.

You'll get there, be patient with yourself, read up on the subject, including PTSD, and get a counselor. Best of luck to you.

[Edited 5/5/18 2:33am]

Yeah, counseling sounds so cliché, but those are people are who trained on how to treat things like this. You are suffering, most likely, from PTSD. Something has triggered you. You will always have those triggers, but a counselor can teach you how to handle them and make your life much richer without the fear of these sorts of moments. Get it taken care of now, and stick with it. It's a short period of your life that will do you well for the next 50 or 60.

ThatWhiteDude said:

^^ Thanks for answering ya'll. I Always was afraid to call a counselor for some reason, but I think you're right about calling one. And thanks Benni, I'll try These Tipps when the next flashbacks come.

The techniques should work. I've worked with trauma survivors in the past and, having also been a trauma survivor, I've found them to be useful. What a flashback does is put your mind and emotions back in the past, as though that event were occurring all over again. In a sense, it's almost as though the flashback retraumatizes you. You become that 11 year old boy all over again, experiencing the same thing again and again. By finding a way to ground yourself in the present moment, to keep you in the here and now, you hold off that flashback. CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) has shown to be effective with victims of trauma, but a newer technique is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which has also been found to be very effective with a trained practitioner. I've considered getting back into doing therapy, or even life coaching for individuals with trauma, but right now, I have to get things straightened out for myself before I try to helping others.

Just remember, if you aren't successful the first time in grounding yourself, you have to keep trying. In this situation, practice does make perfect. When I first started trying to ground myself, (my flashbacks would occur at night, when I was in bed) they recommended that I put my foot on the floor, something that would remind me of where I currently was. I thought it was silly, but would try it, and because I didn't think it would work, it didn't work. Over time, I found techniques that worked for me. If one technique doesn't work after a couple of tries, move on to another one. My flashbacks were more emotional types of flashbacks, where something would trigger me and I would feel like that little girl all over again. I had to find the techniques that would work on those particular emotions. Sometimes, I would get physical flashbacks, or scent flashbacks, and I would have to adjust the techniques for the type of flashback I was getting. It's a bit of trial and error, but once you find the right combinations, it helps tremendously.

benni said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

^^ Thanks for answering ya'll. I Always was afraid to call a counselor for some reason, but I think you're right about calling one. And thanks Benni, I'll try These Tipps when the next flashbacks come.

The techniques should work. I've worked with trauma survivors in the past and, having also been a trauma survivor, I've found them to be useful. What a flashback does is put your mind and emotions back in the past, as though that event were occurring all over again. In a sense, it's almost as though the flashback retraumatizes you. You become that 11 year old boy all over again, experiencing the same thing again and again. By finding a way to ground yourself in the present moment, to keep you in the here and now, you hold off that flashback. CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) has shown to be effective with victims of trauma, but a newer technique is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which has also been found to be very effective with a trained practitioner. I've considered getting back into doing therapy, or even life coaching for individuals with trauma, but right now, I have to get things straightened out for myself before I try to helping others.

Just remember, if you aren't successful the first time in grounding yourself, you have to keep trying. In this situation, practice does make perfect. When I first started trying to ground myself, (my flashbacks would occur at night, when I was in bed) they recommended that I put my foot on the floor, something that would remind me of where I currently was. I thought it was silly, but would try it, and because I didn't think it would work, it didn't work. Over time, I found techniques that worked for me. If one technique doesn't work after a couple of tries, move on to another one. My flashbacks were more emotional types of flashbacks, where something would trigger me and I would feel like that little girl all over again. I had to find the techniques that would work on those particular emotions. Sometimes, I would get physical flashbacks, or scent flashbacks, and I would have to adjust the techniques for the type of flashback I was getting. It's a bit of trial and error, but once you find the right combinations, it helps tremendously.

I tried it with music yesterday and it really worked in the moment.

TrivialPursuit said:

littlemissG said:

Dude do find someone to talk to, your fling are real. You deserve to have a healthy and happy life.

ThatWhiteDude said:

littlemissG said:

Dude do find someone to talk to, your fling are real. You deserve to have a healthy and happy life.

Found one, I hope this guy can Help me.

I'm glad for you Dude! And I'll just second what has been already said. This is a process. One visit will not automatically change your life. A good therapist will give you homework and will more than likely ask you to keep a journal. The best way to approach this is to go to the session with some of your own notes like

1. I'm having flashbacks or panic attacks
2. Here's what happened a few years back
3. Here is my situation now with family, work, love life, medications, etc.
4. I want to be able to process the event in a safe environment so that I can get these feelings out
5. I want to learn some coping mechanisms for the future

Something like this should help a productive conversation to begin. I hope all goes well.

LadyLayla said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

littlemissG said: Found one, I hope this guy can Help me.

I'm glad for you Dude! And I'll just second what has been already said. This is a process. One visit will not automatically change your life. A good therapist will give you homework and will more than likely ask you to keep a journal. The best way to approach this is to go to the session with some of your own notes like

1. I'm having flashbacks or panic attacks
2. Here's what happened a few years back
3. Here is my situation now with family, work, love life, medications, etc.
4. I want to be able to process the event in a safe environment so that I can get these feelings out
5. I want to learn some coping mechanisms for the future

Something like this should help a productive conversation to begin. I hope all goes well.

Thanks for the tip with the notes

I won't repeat the great advice you've got here, but I think you should be proud of your awareness that you need help in the here and now. The adults who continue to carry their childhood traumas without dealing with them suffer greatly.

Good for you to recognize the need to do something about it.

namepeace said:

I just wanted to add something to the thread about repressing one's grief.

My mom died April 21, 2012. It was horrible. She was 65, and pretty healthy until January 2012 or so. It was a fast exit. I had a troubled relationship with her through our years, but in more recent years she had mellowed greatly and just enjoyed her life with her husband. We had great fun trading recipes (she would hand write pages and send them to me instead of just emailing them), and having regular phone chats. She enjoyed learning about technology. I even got her on Skype and sent her a laptop so she wasn't stuck in her little home office all the time.

My brother had a very, very close relationship with her. She was his best friend. She did favor him a lot when we were kids. I am six years older, and he was her baby. (No other siblings.) When she was sick, he flew from Long Beach, CA to Oklahoma City to be with her for a surgery she was having. He had a very hard time during the time we were home for her funeral.

Since then, he has never gotten past her passing away. It's not that I have "gotten over it", but I have moved forward in my life, grieved when I have to, and laughed when I can. My brother is stuck in that holding pattern of grief. He is so angry and hateful with people. His social media is riddled with racist & homophobic sentiments (our cousins are Filipino, his own children and ex-wife are Cambodian). A mutual friend of ours (someone I've known since first grade) deactivated his Facebook largely in part to my brother's bigotry. My brother has called me a faggot and a cocksucker on my Instagram, as well as calling my friends that.

At some point, I have to remember to have mercy and give him a pass. Not the benefit of the doubt, but rather seeing his greater issue of being in pain. He's lashing out at anyone and everyone near him because he is suffering. His girlfriend and I recently talked on Instagram in private messages. She said he has LGBTQ friends and non-Caucasian friends. I asked her why I got the brunt of his negativity. She had no answer. I don't think it has anything to do with me anyway. It's him missing our mother to a degree that we cannot understand. He's bashed me (to my cousins) about the book I published last year. He said I shouldn't be writing and airing out all the stuff we went through. The translation is that he doesn't want to read anything negative about our mom. My aunt told him "this is what he does, he writes. If that is therapy for him, don't worry about it".

Ultimately the moral of the story is that people who suffer from trauma or PTSD (which I think my brother suffers from our mom dying, the military and the incredibly violent relationship he had with his ex-wife who is a total slag) need help. They need tools to know how to handle it, act on (instead of react to) triggers, and how to take a better course of action. The problem with my brother is that he doesn't really believe in therapy or counselors. That worries me because who is he going to be in another 5 or 10 years with all this hurt and anger inside him? That scares the shit out of me.

So yes, see someone, talk to them, get better. The other road is way, way more miserable.

TrivialPursuit said:

I just wanted to add something to the thread about repressing one's grief.

My mom died April 21, 2012. It was horrible. She was 65, and pretty healthy until January 2012 or so. It was a fast exit. I had a troubled relationship with her through our years, but in more recent years she had mellowed greatly and just enjoyed her life with her husband. We had great fun trading recipes (she would hand write pages and send them to me instead of just emailing them), and having regular phone chats. She enjoyed learning about technology. I even got her on Skype and sent her a laptop so she wasn't stuck in her little home office all the time.

My brother had a very, very close relationship with her. She was his best friend. She did favor him a lot when we were kids. I am six years older, and he was her baby. (No other siblings.) When she was sick, he flew from Long Beach, CA to Oklahoma City to be with her for a surgery she was having. He had a very hard time during the time we were home for her funeral.

Since then, he has never gotten past her passing away. It's not that I have "gotten over it", but I have moved forward in my life, grieved when I have to, and laughed when I can. My brother is stuck in that holding pattern of grief. He is so angry and hateful with people. His social media is riddled with racist & homophobic sentiments (our cousins are Filipino, his own children and ex-wife are Cambodian). A mutual friend of ours (someone I've known since first grade) deactivated his Facebook largely in part to my brother's bigotry. My brother has called me a faggot and a cocksucker on my Instagram, as well as calling my friends that.

At some point, I have to remember to have mercy and give him a pass. Not the benefit of the doubt, but rather seeing his greater issue of being in pain. He's lashing out at anyone and everyone near him because he is suffering. His girlfriend and I recently talked on Instagram in private messages. She said he has LGBTQ friends and non-Caucasian friends. I asked her why I got the brunt of his negativity. She had no answer. I don't think it has anything to do with me anyway. It's him missing our mother to a degree that we cannot understand. He's bashed me (to my cousins) about the book I published last year. He said I shouldn't be writing and airing out all the stuff we went through. The translation is that he doesn't want to read anything negative about our mom. My aunt told him "this is what he does, he writes. If that is therapy for him, don't worry about it".

Ultimately the moral of the story is that people who suffer from trauma or PTSD (which I think my brother suffers from our mom dying, the military and the incredibly violent relationship he had with his ex-wife who is a total slag) need help. They need tools to know how to handle it, act on (instead of react to) triggers, and how to take a better course of action. The problem with my brother is that he doesn't really believe in therapy or counselors. That worries me because who is he going to be in another 5 or 10 years with all this hurt and anger inside him? That scares the shit out of me.

So yes, see someone, talk to them, get better. The other road is way, way more miserable.

I'm so sorry to hear all that It must be horrible when a loved one goes through such a terrible thing and you don't know how to help. I really hope your brother finds a way back to a happier life, because everybody deserves it.

anangellooksdown said:

Well first, I don’t believe you were “lucky” on that day; I believe God came in and protected you. I also believe that although you weren’t consciously aware of it, the memories and fear was there all this time. I believe the solution is to work through it for once and for all, and this can definitely be done. Then, all the manifestations of it will disappear too, like the fear of having no control and the false guilt. The only way i have ever really seen anyone truly get beyond these things (and almost all of us have them) is by going straight through it, and all our other issues. Everything’s connected. And the only way I have ever seen anyone be able to do that, particularly in a manner that works, is by developing, slowly, a relationship with God that is the “safety net” we need to work through the feelings, and this is all done by having excellent spiritual guidance (not necessarily religious). If you are really really willing, God will guide you to where that can be done. Don’t give up. Sometimes we have to go through a lot to find it. [Edited 5/11/18 4:29am]

Yeah, sometimes I think about that "decision" I made that saved me on that day. I can't really describe it so I post a picture of the street. I usually walked on that side where no cars are parking as you can see in that picture. And while I was walking there was this guy, getting out of his car and he was about to walk into the post office or whatever it was. When he saw me,he stopped and I began to feel strange, because of the way he looked at me. He got back into his car and I said to my grandma who was calling me: "I'm going to cross the road because there's a strange guy." I did it because I thought: "If this guy really wants to kidnap you, there's no way he can run you over with his car (some of them do that) because there are cars parking everywhere. And I was right, because this guy tried to park his car right next to me but he couldn't, he stopped and wanted to open the passenger door while he was still in the car, so I started to run for my life and he only stopped following me because after what felt like 30 minutes of running, there was another car coming and I stopped the car. I often think of it and ask myself: "What if you didn't cross the road? What if you didn't stop the car?" The answer is, I probably wouldn't be here today and even if that's not case, it scares the shit out of me. It really was like someone was telling me to cross the road. And then these people had the nerve to call me paranoid, like, I could've understand it if this guy was just walking behind me you know? But he didn't do what he was planning to do and got back into his car and he followed me when I was running away.

ThatWhiteDude said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

I'm so sorry to hear all that It must be horrible when a loved one goes through such a terrible thing and you don't know how to help. I really hope your brother finds a way back to a happier life, because everybody deserves it.

I actually live across the U.S. from my brother, so while it reads as tough, I stay relatively away from the bullshit. I'm in upstate NY and he's in southern CA. The family is in OK. It's easy to keep his nonsense at arm's length. I hope he calms down too. Both of us are planning to move back to OK sooner than later (him, once his youngest graduates high school in a few short years). I can't imagine him being around our Benneton-inspired family and spouting that bullshit. No one is going to tolerate it.

To the OP, don't be my brother. Be our brotha.

TrivialPursuit said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

I'm so sorry to hear all that It must be horrible when a loved one goes through such a terrible thing and you don't know how to help. I really hope your brother finds a way back to a happier life, because everybody deserves it.

I actually live across the U.S. from my brother, so while it reads as tough, I stay relatively away from the bullshit. I'm in upstate NY and he's in southern CA. The family is in OK. It's easy to keep his nonsense at arm's length. I hope he calms down too. Both of us are planning to move back to OK sooner than later (him, once his youngest graduates high school in a few short years). I can't imagine him being around our Benneton-inspired family and spouting that bullshit. No one is going to tolerate it.

To the OP, don't be my brother. Be our brotha.

Sorry for asking, but I was reading this over and over again and I still don't know how you meant that I feel dumb for asking.

anangellooksdown said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

Yeah, sometimes I think about that "decision" I made that saved me on that day. I can't really describe it so I post a picture of the street. I usually walked on that side where no cars are parking as you can see in that picture. And while I was walking there was this guy, getting out of his car and he was about to walk into the post office or whatever it was. When he saw me,he stopped and I began to feel strange, because of the way he looked at me. He got back into his car and I said to my grandma who was calling me: "I'm going to cross the road because there's a strange guy." I did it because I thought: "If this guy really wants to kidnap you, there's no way he can run you over with his car (some of them do that) because there are cars parking everywhere. And I was right, because this guy tried to park his car right next to me but he couldn't, he stopped and wanted to open the passenger door while he was still in the car, so I started to run for my life and he only stopped following me because after what felt like 30 minutes of running, there was another car coming and I stopped the car. I often think of it and ask myself: "What if you didn't cross the road? What if you didn't stop the car?" The answer is, I probably wouldn't be here today and even if that's not case, it scares the shit out of me. It really was like someone was telling me to cross the road. And then these people had the nerve to call me paranoid, like, I could've understand it if this guy was just walking behind me you know? But he didn't do what he was planning to do and got back into his car and he followed me when I was running away.

I think you have very good instincts, and I’m glad you listened to them. Always trust yourself no matter what anyone says. I’m sure you know too, that not all grown men are bad. That guy was a sick person. He would’ve done that to anyone in your position. You are very blessed. 🙂❤️

ThatWhiteDude said:

TrivialPursuit said:

I actually live across the U.S. from my brother, so while it reads as tough, I stay relatively away from the bullshit. I'm in upstate NY and he's in southern CA. The family is in OK. It's easy to keep his nonsense at arm's length. I hope he calms down too. Both of us are planning to move back to OK sooner than later (him, once his youngest graduates high school in a few short years). I can't imagine him being around our Benneton-inspired family and spouting that bullshit. No one is going to tolerate it.

To the OP, don't be my brother. Be our brotha.

Sorry for asking, but I was reading this over and over again and I still don't know how you meant that I feel dumb for asking.

I posted about how my brother lets his grief with our mom dying control his life. He doesn't believe in getting help, he thinks you should just "get over it". He's turned into an angry bigoted person. Don't be like him.

You are our brotha - one we can lean on and we are one you can lean on when you need encouragement.

Don't be my brother, be our brotha.

TrivialPursuit said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

Sorry for asking, but I was reading this over and over again and I still don't know how you meant that I feel dumb for asking.

I posted about how my brother lets his grief with our mom dying control his life. He doesn't believe in getting help, he thinks you should just "get over it". He's turned into an angry bigoted person. Don't be like him.

You are our brotha - one we can lean on and we are one you can lean on when you need encouragement.

Don't be my brother, be our brotha.

Thanks for the answer

TrivialPursuit said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

Sorry for asking, but I was reading this over and over again and I still don't know how you meant that I feel dumb for asking.

I posted about how my brother lets his grief with our mom dying control his life. He doesn't believe in getting help, he thinks you should just "get over it". He's turned into an angry bigoted person. Don't be like him.

You are our brotha - one we can lean on and we are one you can lean on when you need encouragement.

Don't be my brother, be our brotha.

Triv!

He doesn't believe in getting help, he thinks you should just "get over it".

You have perfectly described the beliefs of my ex and his family! Talking about feelings is weak and to remedy that nothing works like a pop on the noggin, especially for children. The entire clan is rife with Cluster B personality disorders and toxic atmosphere. I begged him to go to marriage couseling with me all to no avail.

I won't go into the sordid story of how he left me and I have cut ties with him (like he cares!) and his family. Because of his actions during the time he left, our son has also cut ties with him and his family. This was not because of what my ex did to me, but because of what my ex did to our son (son is a very high functioning Aspie).

My work for myself is to consider all that has happened as an ongoing learning experience and to let go of bitterness. All will be well and I know there will be a day when I thank my ex for everthing he did during the past year--because I could not have grown without that action.

Sorry for the ramble! I hope one day your brother will be able to open his heart and mind to know that he is the only one to control his life. No one else can do it.