Since I'm playing a holiday party for a local political organization, I thought I'd share some of the political jokes I'm considering. This is NOT a P&R thread - if any joke mentions Trump, you can be sure it mentioned Obama, Bush, Clinton, Bush, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon, Johnson, Kennedy, Eisenhower, Truman, or FDR at some point!

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Latest story, hot off the presses of The Onion: "America's 100 Worst Senators"


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The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They
came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus.

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Popular Pick-Up lines Used By Employees of the NSA:

"Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.”

"I'd tap that."

"I know exactly where you have been all my life.”


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Great line from Ronald Reagan - "I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting."


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A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am."

"You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.

"You must be a Democrat."

"I am. How did you know?"

"Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve been no help."

"You must be a Republican."

"Yes. How did you know?"

"You’ve risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn’t keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault."

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Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. "Hello," Bush said.

"Nice weather we’re having, huh?" Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.

The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.

Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.

Moses said, "The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert."


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I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

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They should build the wall with Hillary's emails because nobody can get over them.


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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.


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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from the Koch Brothers.

All three go with a Trump White House official to examine the fence. The Chicago contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Koch Brothers contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the Trump official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Koch Brothers guy whispers back, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the Trump official.

"...even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting."

"...now it’s my fault."