Okay, I wasn't sure if I should post this here, but no one else wants to listen, and I'm afraid I might lose my shit if I don't get it at least off my chest.

I don't what to do, I'm sitting here typing this and I am shaking inside. Because I'm confused, I'm full of hate right now, but I'm also kind too paralized to rage (luckyly I guess?). I'm pissed because I feel things I don't even want to feel, but I kind of getting forced to feel it. I can't controll it anymore and no one wants to listen!

I get treated like shit, family members treat like shit, as if I am worth less than the rest!!! And if I fucking flip I'm the bad one! (CAN ANYBODY RELATE???) I always see how my brother gets treated, man I believe he could take a shit infront of the fucking house and they'd still admire him! I hate him because he is more respected.

Because I am the weird one. I'm Autistic, so I'm the freak, right? And it's all my fault, right? And he always got a pass, you know? He could do anything he wanted! He fucking beat the crap out of me for years, he would provoke me and if I flipped, he'd beat me. My mom was at work and when she came home I'd tell her what happened (I EVEN TOLD HER THE NAMES I CALLED MY BROTHER BECAUSE I KNEW SHE'D HEAR IT ANYWAYS), and I told her what he did to get me to this point and that he did it to have a reason to beat me. So she said that he'll be in trouble and I was happy, because for once I thought that he gets what he deserves.

But guess what, it didn't happen! Nope. He came home and told her what I have called him. But not once did he mention the beating he gave me. NOT ONCE!!!! And I was in trouble, she took all my CD's, DVD's for like two weeks. I was pissed again and of course I was screaming: "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT??? WHY ISN'T HE IN TROUBLE??!"

He even beat me infront of complete strangers, he beat so fucking that my sister could actually hear his fist hitting my rips, she was at the soccer field that was a little further away from my brother and me. His friend always kicked the ball in my face and I told him three times to leave me alone, my brother saw it but didn't say anything, so when his friend didn't stop and I said: "You son of a bitch, I said stop." Well, my brother beat me for that infront of them people.

Guess who was in trouble? Because I said son of a bitch. I even had to say sorry, but none of them two had to say sorry to me. Nope. I'm not worth it, right?

Man, these things happened in the past, but my mothers today actions always remind of that shit. Because I can't forget them, simply because no one ever said that they did me wrong.......and my brother is still their favourite. They would never admit it, but everyone outside my family fucking sees it. I hate it.

And they always play with my mind, I know that they treated me bad but at the same time I feel like I don't deserve them, I think their too good for me. I feel like a horrible person. I hate myself when I get mad at my mother for treating me different........There's love and hate inside me and it's wrecking me. I'm literally crying, because I don't know what the fuck I should do! I always say: "Mum, this is the last chance, I don't want to leave you behind, you are my mom. But if you won't admit your failures and treat me with the same respect you treat my brother, I see no chance."

She says that she'll change but........today she forgot about it again.......and I left the house because I was at the verge of losing controll.

I'm so sorry if this thread doesn't fit, but I truly didn't know what to do.......I had to get it off my chest.........I don't want to lose my mind man!!!

[Edited 11/15/17 13:29pm]

Go to the police.

Tell others that will listen....... co-workers, boss, friends, teachers.....

If you don't mind my asking, how old are you and your brother?

luv4u said:

Go to the police.

Tell others that will listen....... co-workers, boss, friends, teachers.....

I got none, I'm out of school and I don't have a job right now because of my autism. And my next psychiatrist appointment is in three weeks And I don't know what my family does if I go to the police. (Not that they'd kill me or something) but they'd lose their shit.

[Edited 11/15/17 13:53pm]

PennyPurple said:

If you don't mind my asking, how old are you and your brother?

I turned 21, he's five years older. But he's big compared to me. I'm only 5'2. I'm an easy target for him

If there's anything I've learnt in life, it's that people don't change. You can set rules and boundaries but you'll be lucky if people change their ways and maintain that. But you're at an age where you can determine everything for yourself, including who you do and don't spend time with.

fortuneandserendipity said:

If there's anything I've learnt in life, it's that people don't change. You can set rules and boundaries but you'll be lucky if people change their ways and maintain that. But you're at an age where you can determine everything for yourself, including who you do and don't spend time with.

I know, I've come to that conclusion three years ago. But to actually do it is really hard. Because they are my family and there's still love inside of me for them. It's a hard step to let them go.

ThatWhiteDude said:

fortuneandserendipity said:

If there's anything I've learnt in life, it's that people don't change. You can set rules and boundaries but you'll be lucky if people change their ways and maintain that. But you're at an age where you can determine everything for yourself, including who you do and don't spend time with.

I know, I've come to that conclusion three years ago. But to actually do it is really hard. Because they are my family and there's still love inside of me for them. It's a hard step to let them go.

It's very hard.

PennyPurple said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

I know, I've come to that conclusion three years ago. But to actually do it is really hard. Because they are my family and there's still love inside of me for them. It's a hard step to let them go.

It's very hard.

ThatWhiteDude said:

EmmaMcG said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

I know, I've come to that conclusion three years ago. But to actually do it is really hard. Because they are my family and there's still love inside of me for them. It's a hard step to let them go.

I know how you feel but don't rush to any major decisions such as cutting off all contact with them. I did that and even though my mother could be such an unbearable cunt to be around most of the time I still miss her now she's gone. From the sounds of it, putting some distance between yourself and your family would be the best thing to do but don't do anything you might regret later.

That's what I'm afraid of. I wouldn't say that my mum is a cunt, but doesn't see that she repeats her mothers failures. I hope she'll see it one day, because she's still my queen, she's usually a great mom, she raised three kids all by her own and she deserves respect for that.

Thanks for that comment and reminding me that I shouldn't rush with making decisions.

[Edited 11/15/17 15:45pm]

ThatWhiteDude said:

fortuneandserendipity said:

If there's anything I've learnt in life, it's that people don't change. You can set rules and boundaries but you'll be lucky if people change their ways and maintain that. But you're at an age where you can determine everything for yourself, including who you do and don't spend time with.

I know, I've come to that conclusion three years ago. But to actually do it is really hard. Because they are my family and there's still love inside of me for them. It's a hard step to let them go.

You can keep them out of your life to the point where you only see them when you want to, on your terms. That's different of course from being totally estranged.

If you don't live independently? that would obviously be an issue. But if you have the opportunity to move then you should. Maybe a different area altogether.

fortuneandserendipity said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

I know, I've come to that conclusion three years ago. But to actually do it is really hard. Because they are my family and there's still love inside of me for them. It's a hard step to let them go.

You can keep them out of your life to the point where you only see them when you want to, on your terms. That's different of course from being totally estranged.

If you don't live independently? that would obviously be an issue. But if you have the opportunity to move then you should. Maybe a different area altogether.

I'm not independent at the moment, I'm doing a therapy because of my autism, it's really hard to get a job because the most people don't take us because some of can't work for more than 5 hours.

ThatWhiteDude said:

fortuneandserendipity said:

You can keep them out of your life to the point where you only see them when you want to, on your terms. That's different of course from being totally estranged.

If you don't live independently? that would obviously be an issue. But if you have the opportunity to move then you should. Maybe a different area altogether.

I'm not independent at the moment, I'm doing a therapy because of my autism, it's really hard to get a job because the most people don't take us because some of can't work for more than 5 hours.

Have you been diagnosed with HFA or Asperger's? And I'm glad you are able to come here and get this off your chest! I do have much more to say but probably have more questions first. Fighting with those closest to you sucks!!

LadyLayla said:

O.K. so I'm going to chime in here based on what you wrote. Not a professional, just care about my fellow human and have experienced some of the same things you mention as a kid.

.

A family is not chosen, you just have them. With that said, as soon as you are able, get away from these people. When someone loves you and is suppose to care about you they don't hurt you. This goes with verbal, physical and emotional abuse.

.

Not having a family to help you is tough but I'd rather struggle and feel a little loneliness. This, rather than be around people who treat me like garbage. Find people, support groups, and other people to make friends with. You need friends in life for a lot of reasons. Make sure they're nothing like the people you are walking away from, learn the signs and remember this horrible shit you are going through.

.

You are an amazing human being. Illness, disease, what other people think about you are all things that DO NOT define you as a person. How you treat others and what you do on this earth are all that you have. The phrase "talk is cheap" is true because it's not what you say but what you do that matters.

.

Finally, the past is over, all you have is today. While this sounds like something from a motivational poster, it's a fact. Many people live in the past and can't get past it to actually live their lives. I understand trauma and I'm not saying "get over it". What I'm saying, forgive and let it go. It's the best thing for your well being. Today and the present is all we all have.

.

Good luck White Dude.

[Edited 11/18/17 19:07pm]

Oh and in regards to your Bully older brother...

.

It only takes one time that you fight back and really hurt him in order to make him stop. I don't condone violence but I hate bullies, always have. My Mom used to tell me, "I may be small and you may get the best of me but YOU GOT TO SLEEP SOMETIME." Again, not saying to do something to him in his sleep, just saying that size doesn't mean anything when it comes to fighting back. Google the most tender areas of the body to apply pain without killing someone. Rather than fight violence with violence, I'd rather you find somewhere else to live.

[Edited 11/18/17 19:08pm]

Thanks I'll try to become independent as fast as I can, because I think that's the best thing I can do right now, tho it's going to be hard to leave them behind I know they won't change but I still got a little hope, because they are my family.

Slave2daGroove said:

O.K. so I'm going to chime in here based on what you wrote. Not a professional, just care about my fellow human and have experienced some of the same things you mention as a kid.

.

A family is not chosen, you just have them. With that said, as soon as you are able, get away from these people. When someone loves you and is suppose to care about you they don't hurt you. This goes with verbal, physical and emotional abuse.

.

Not having a family to help you is tough but I'd rather struggle and feel a little loneliness. This, rather than be around people who treat me like garbage. Find people, support groups, and other people to make friends with. You need friends in life for a lot of reasons. Make sure they're nothing like the people you are walking away from, learn the signs and remember this horrible shit you are going through.

.

You are an amazing human being. Illness, disease, what other people think about you are all things that DO NOT define you as a person. How you treat others and what you do on this earth are all that you have. The phrase "talk is cheap" is true because it's not what you say but what you do that matters.

.

Finally, the past is over, all you have is today. While this sounds like something from a motivational poster, it's a fact. Many people live in the past and can't get past it to actually live their lives. I understand trauma and I'm not saying "get over it". What I'm saying, forgive and let it go. It's the best thing for your well being. Today and the present is all we all have.

.

Good luck White Dude.

[Edited 11/18/17 19:07pm]

Slave2daGroove said:

Oh and in regards to your Bully older brother...

.

It only takes one time that you fight back and really hurt him in order to make him stop. I don't condone violence but I hate bullies, always have. My Mom used to tell me, "I may be small and you may get the best of me but YOU GOT TO SLEEP SOMETIME." Again, not saying to do something to him in his sleep, just saying that size doesn't mean anything when it comes to fighting back. Google the most tender areas of the body to apply pain without killing someone. Rather than fight violence with violence, I'd rather you find somewhere else to live.

[Edited 11/18/17 19:08pm]

I once tried to fight back and it didn't end well, it made it even worse. Right now I live with my grandma, and it's peaceful at the moment. But my brother sometimes visits and I don't know what he's up to, if he's in a good or bad mood.

You can never really "leave them behind" when they are your family. Just put the distance in and never trust them. Doesn't mean you don't love them but their actions really showed you who they were.

.

In regards to the bully brother, I guess what I was trying to say is you need to learn how to defend yourself. There are pressure points and areas of the body that are extremely sensitive. If you ever find yourself in a position where you're getting beat on, knowing what these are and what to do could be in your best interest. Self-defense training is something I would look into once you get on your feet again.

.

OK, I'm done. Sorry to keep babbling here, I just wanted to clarify things I said.

.

Keep your head White Dude, you can do anything! Don't ever let anybody tell you otherwise.

Slave2daGroove said:

You can never really "leave them behind" when they are your family. Just put the distance in and never trust them. Doesn't mean you don't love them but their actions really showed you who they were.

.

In regards to the bully brother, I guess what I was trying to say is you need to learn how to defend yourself. There are pressure points and areas of the body that are extremely sensitive. If you ever find yourself in a position where you're getting beat on, knowing what these are and what to do could be in your best interest. Self-defense training is something I would look into once you get on your feet again.

.

OK, I'm done. Sorry to keep babbling here, I just wanted to clarify things I said.

.

Keep your head White Dude, you can do anything! Don't ever let anybody tell you otherwise.

Thank you Okay, thanks for clearing that up, I've got this wrong.

ThatWhiteDude said:

LadyLayla said:

Have you been diagnosed with HFA or Asperger's? And I'm glad you are able to come here and get this off your chest! I do have much more to say but probably have more questions first. Fighting with those closest to you sucks!!

I got Aspergers

There is SO much I want to say and could ramble on for an infinite amount of pages but first things first....your safety!

*

You have a right to be safe! If your brother is following you over to your grandmother's house, then that is an issue. Your brother is now stalking you. This is a domestic violence situation. That is taken very seriously by police here in the states but I don't know how this applies to other locations. I know you are afraid of airing your family's "dirty laundry" but at least talk to the authorities (police, social workers, priest, physician) whether charges are pressed or not. If there are bruises on your body, take pictures. If there is an injury severe enough to send you to the ER are medical staff encouraged to report suspected abuse? (it is law here in the states).

*

I am the mother of a son (about your age) with mild Aspergers. Try to keep yourself safe, document incidents, and see if you can begin a conversation with a trusted friend. Right now it doesn't look as if your family sees this situation as a threat to your physical health.

LadyLayla said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

LadyLayla said: I got Aspergers

There is SO much I want to say and could ramble on for an infinite amount of pages but first things first....your safety!

*

You have a right to be safe! If your brother is following you over to your grandmother's house, then that is an issue. Your brother is now stalking you. This is a domestic violence situation. That is taken very seriously by police here in the states but I don't know how this applies to other locations. I know you are afraid of airing your family's "dirty laundry" but at least talk to the authorities (police, social workers, priest, physician) whether charges are pressed or not. If there are bruises on your body, take pictures. If there is an injury severe enough to send you to the ER are medical staff encouraged to report suspected abuse? (it is law here in the states).

*

I am the mother of a son (about your age) with mild Aspergers. Try to keep yourself safe, document incidents, and see if you can begin a conversation with a trusted friend. Right now it doesn't look as if your family sees this situation as a threat to your physical health.

I think I put this wrong. He's not following me. He's in the military and sometimes visits us. But he's sometimes in a bad mood and he can be very aggressive if that's the case. You better don't talk to him.

Dude, mad respect and empathy. You can only be honest and consistent. Nobody can rightfully expect more. I feel angry for you. Keep in mind your worth and value is not dependent on other imperfect, dysfunctional humans. All you can do is your best, You "can't be cool more than all the time". We are all subjected to our blood relatives but to the universe as a whole there is a different, universal and flawless standard, Treat others how you would like to be treated. Do this and you are living the truyh.

homesquid said:

Dude, mad respect and empathy. You can only be honest and consistent. Nobody can rightfully expect more. I feel angry for you. Keep in mind your worth and value is not dependent on other imperfect, dysfunctional humans. All you can do is your best, You "can't be cool more than all the time". We are all subjected to our blood relatives but to the universe as a whole there is a different, universal and flawless standard, Treat others how you would like to be treated. Do this and you are living the truyh.

Thank you for the kind words

ThatWhiteDude said:

LadyLayla said:

There is SO much I want to say and could ramble on for an infinite amount of pages but first things first....your safety!

*

You have a right to be safe! If your brother is following you over to your grandmother's house, then that is an issue. Your brother is now stalking you. This is a domestic violence situation. That is taken very seriously by police here in the states but I don't know how this applies to other locations. I know you are afraid of airing your family's "dirty laundry" but at least talk to the authorities (police, social workers, priest, physician) whether charges are pressed or not. If there are bruises on your body, take pictures. If there is an injury severe enough to send you to the ER are medical staff encouraged to report suspected abuse? (it is law here in the states).

*

I am the mother of a son (about your age) with mild Aspergers. Try to keep yourself safe, document incidents, and see if you can begin a conversation with a trusted friend. Right now it doesn't look as if your family sees this situation as a threat to your physical health.

I think I put this wrong. He's not following me. He's in the military and sometimes visits us. But he's sometimes in a bad mood and he can be very aggressive if that's the case. You better don't talk to him.

Has he done any tours? It is possible that he may be suffering from PTSD.

luv4u said:

ThatWhiteDude said:

I think I put this wrong. He's not following me. He's in the military and sometimes visits us. But he's sometimes in a bad mood and he can be very aggressive if that's the case. You better don't talk to him.

Has he done any tours? It is possible that he may be suffering from PTSD.

No he hasn't yet. He's in training at the moment.

get it on video....and show as many people as possible

luvsexy4all said:

get it on video....and show as many people as possible

But how should I do it?

ThatWhiteDude said:

luvsexy4all said:

get it on video....and show as many people as possible

But how should I do it?

get someone to do it while u interact with him