not all my jokes have to be found

not erbody can see pure comedy...

imma tell you a personal joke

and then you can relate some of

yo 'comical experiences'...

i was in the park with Little Boy the other day.

my puppy is at that age like a teen

(listens when he has to)

and i speak to him in a most stern manner

to keep from havin to physical things to

make him obey.

anyway...

this guy is in the park and i say "is yo dog nice?"

because i don't let little boy play with ruffians...

we let them run together and i yell for little boy

to take direction on how far not to go,

this dude says to me

"you speak harshly to your dog"

i said "what???"

he says "you speak way to harshly to your dog."

i reply "so in other words you tellin me i speak

to my dog 'like a dog'???

well here, let me give you a life lesson.

"i don't walk around with a rolled up news paper,

don't spend time jerkin on my dog's leash.

my dog responds to voice and obeys"

i called little boy to my side and made him sit there.

i said "see... talkin to him like a dog shows him

the difference between a comand and a trick.

my dog obeys comands because of my voice.

my dog is sittin here doin what he is told.

in the mean time yo dog is over there eatin

my dogs shit... have a good day..."

love it

LOL, this one is true, too!

***************************************************************

Donald Trump dies and is sent to the bottom of a very long ladder. He hears a voice that says, "You can stay here, or climb the ladder to success". Well! Donald Trump fancies himself as the very definition of success, so up the ladder he climbs.

After a minute of climbing, he reaches a platform. There he finds a nice-looking woman, a Putt-Putt golf course, and an Oldsmobile. Once again he hears "You can stay here, or climb the ladder to success". Not satisfied, he keeps climbing.

He reaches three more platforms, each with a more beautiful woman, a nicer golf course, and a better car. And at each platform he hears "You can stay here, or climb the ladder to success". And he keeps climbing.

Finally he reaches the top. As he steps onto the top platform, the ladder vanishes. No way down now, but Donald Trump isn't worried. He's at the top!

He looks around but all he sees is trailer homes, cars up on blocks, and a stick and a ball. And one more thing - a giant, hairy, foul-smelling man who is completely naked and is sporting a giant boner.

"Hey," he says to Donald Trump. "I'm Cess!"

BADD!!!

Gotta tell it like it is.

RodeoSchro said:

LOL, this one is true, too!

***************************************************************

Donald Trump dies and is sent to the bottom of a very long ladder. He hears a voice that says, "You can stay here, or climb the ladder to success". Well! Donald Trump fancies himself as the very definition of success, so up the ladder he climbs.

After a minute of climbing, he reaches a platform. There he finds a nice-looking woman, a Putt-Putt golf course, and an Oldsmobile. Once again he hears "You can stay here, or climb the ladder to success". Not satisfied, he keeps climbing.

He reaches three more platforms, each with a more beautiful woman, a nicer golf course, and a better car. And at each platform he hears "You can stay here, or climb the ladder to success". And he keeps climbing.

Finally he reaches the top. As he steps onto the top platform, the ladder vanishes. No way down now, but Donald Trump isn't worried. He's at the top!

He looks around but all he sees is trailer homes, cars up on blocks, and a stick and a ball. And one more thing - a giant, hairy, foul-smelling man who is completely naked and is sporting a giant boner.

"Hey," he says to Donald Trump. "I'm Cess!"

no it's not

and quit tryin to get my shit sent to p&r

as a gift for our anniversary my wife organised massages for us... we went to this nice place in the country... before we went in for the massage.... they gave us a form to fill out... it had a list of body parts, and said please tick the areas you don't feel comfortable having the masseuse touch

i ticked everything except buttocks

so we get in to this room and these two lovely ladies come in to give us our massages... one of them had my card and said something like "i'm not sure you understood how you were supposed to fill this in... we just wanted you to tick the parts you DON"T want touched"... i said... "i understood"

in otherwords... this poor chick had to rub my arse for an hour

my wife asked about it and when they showed her the card, she (knowing me) told them to pay no attention to me and we all had a laugh

MoBettaBliss said:

as a gift for our anniversary my wife organised massages for us... we went to this nice place in the country... before we went in for the massage.... they gave us a form to fill out... it had a list of body parts, and said please tick the areas you don't feel comfortable having the masseuse touch

i ticked everything except buttocks

so we get in to this room and these two lovely ladies come in to give us our massages... one of them had my card and said something like "i'm not sure you understood how you were supposed to fill this in... we just wanted you to tick the parts you DON"T want touched"... i said... "i understood"

in otherwords... this poor chick had to rub my arse for an hour

my wife asked about it and when they showed her the card, she (knowing me) told them to pay no attention to me and we all had a laugh

KingBAD said:

RodeoSchro said:

LOL, this one is true, too!

***************************************************************

Donald Trump dies and is sent to the bottom of a very long ladder. He hears a voice that says, "You can stay here, or climb the ladder to success". Well! Donald Trump fancies himself as the very definition of success, so up the ladder he climbs.

After a minute of climbing, he reaches a platform. There he finds a nice-looking woman, a Putt-Putt golf course, and an Oldsmobile. Once again he hears "You can stay here, or climb the ladder to success". Not satisfied, he keeps climbing.

He reaches three more platforms, each with a more beautiful woman, a nicer golf course, and a better car. And at each platform he hears "You can stay here, or climb the ladder to success". And he keeps climbing.

Finally he reaches the top. As he steps onto the top platform, the ladder vanishes. No way down now, but Donald Trump isn't worried. He's at the top!

He looks around but all he sees is trailer homes, cars up on blocks, and a stick and a ball. And one more thing - a giant, hairy, foul-smelling man who is completely naked and is sporting a giant boner.

"Hey," he says to Donald Trump. "I'm Cess!"

no it's not

and quit tryin to get my shit sent to p&r

I thought about using someone else for that joke but come on - that joke was written for Trump! Anyway, this isn't/shouldn't be moved to P&R and in order to buttress that, here's a non-political joke:

My wife told me to go to the pharmacy for some of those pills that would make our sex life better. I said, OK," and returned thirty minutes later with some diet pills for her.

I should be able to see again in a couple days, but my jaw is never going to work the same again!

RodeoSchro said:

KingBAD said:

no it's not

and quit tryin to get my shit sent to p&r

I thought about using someone else for that joke but come on - that joke was written for Trump! Anyway, this isn't/shouldn't be moved to P&R and in order to buttress that, here's a non-political joke:

My wife told me to go to the pharmacy for some of those pills that would make our sex life better. I said, OK," and returned thirty minutes later with some diet pills for her.

I should be able to see again in a couple days, but my jaw is never going to work the same again!

A young businessman had just started own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. While sitting in his new office, he noticed a man walk into the outer office. Wanting to look like a big shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend as though he had a big deal in the works. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor,

BIZ MAN – Can I help you?

VISITOR – Yeah, I came to activate your phone lines!

One more for the...cause.

.

A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose. “Why not?” asked the man. “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” said the man. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.

.

The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.” The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”

.

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, “What happened to you?” The man said, “No one showed up.”