1. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

2. How is a woman like a road?

They both have manholes.

3. Why are men like diapers?

They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.

4. What type of bird gives the best head?

A swallow.

5. What’s better than a cold Bud?

A warm bush.

6. How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.

7. What should you do if you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.

8. What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.

9. How are gay people like mice?

They both hate pussies.

10. What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this shit.

11. What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks.

12. What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip-off.

13. What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?

They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

14. How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?

If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can’t look down.

15. What did one of the prostitute’s knees say to the other?

How come we spend so little time together?

16. What do you call two men fighting over a slut?

Tug-of-whore.

17. Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a penis enlarger?

She just couldn’t take it any longer.

18. Why don’t little girls fart?

They don’t get assholes til they’re married.

19. What do you call an incestuous nephew?

An aunt-eater.

20. What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms?

Melt them into a tire and call it a goodyear.

21. What do you call a nanny with breast implants?

A faux-pair.

22. How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

23. What do women and noodles have in common?

Both wiggle when you eat them.

24. What do you get when you jingle a man’s balls?

A white Christmas.

25. What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

A rabbi cuts them off. A priest sucks them off.

26. What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates?

A tearjerker.

27. What did one broke hooker say to the other?

Can you lend me ten bucks ‘til I’m on my back again?

28. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.

29. What’s the real definition of a male chauvinist pig?

A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body—except his.

30. What does a slut say when her daughter asks how to spell “penis”?

“I wish you’d asked me last night, when it was on the tip of my tongue.”

31. How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?

Once you take away the legs and the breasts you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.

32. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

33. What do you call a sex-crazed gay cannibal?

A head hunter.

34. Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

35. Why did the semen cross the road?

Because you wore the wrong socks today.

36. Why did the snowman suddenly smile?

He could see the snowblower coming.

37. What’s the difference between a clitoris and a cell phone?

Nothing! Every cunt’s got one.

38. When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?

When he’s standing next you girlfriend saying that her hair smells nice.

39. What does a dumb slut say when you ask if she’s ever tried 69?

“Thirty dudes is the most I can screw in one night.”

40. How are women like linoleum floors?

If you lay ’em right the first time, you can walk all over them for the next 20 years or so.

41. What’s the square root of 69?

Ate something.

42. What do you do when your cat’s dead?

Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.

43. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

44. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party—except you.

45. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato?

A dictator.

46. Why did Jesus die a virgin?

Every single “wound” he touched closed up.

47. How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

48. What’s the best way to respond when a girls asks “what’s up”?

“If I tell you, will you sit on it?”

49. What does it mean if a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after a first date?

She’s got small tits.

50. Wanna hear a joke about my dick?

Nevermind. It’s too long.

Here are some more Friday funnies:

Little Johnny is riding his bike the day after Christmas. A cop on a horse stops him and asks Little Johnny, "Did Santa Claus bring yo uthat bioke?" Little Johhny says, "Yessir, he did". The cop says, "Well, next year ask Santa for some reflectors" and gave Little Johnny a $5 ticket for an unsafe bicycle.

Little Johnny looked at the ticket and then asked the cop, "Did Santa give you that horse?" The cop smiled and said, "As a matter of fact, he did". Little Johnny said, "Next year, tell Santa to put the dick on the bottom of the horse instead of on top!"

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I heard that during sex, Donald Trump frequently stops in the middle of it. When asked what he's doing, he says, "I saw this on PornHub. It's called 'buffering'. It's great, believe me. Nobody buffers better than me, that I can sxay".

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I need to wash my eyes, hands and brain after the mental image from that last joke. I apologize to everyone. Believe me, I am the best at apologizing. Ask anyone, many people will tell you that.

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A family is at the dinner table and the son asks the father, "How many different types of boobs are there?" The dad answers, "Three. When a woman is in her 20s, they are like melons - round and firm. In her 30s and 40s they are like pears - still nice, but hanging a bit. After 50, they're like onions". "Onions? asks the son. "Yes - they make you cry!"

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At the same dinner, the daughter asks her mom, "How many types of penises are there?" The mother answers, "Three. In his 20s, a man's penis is like an oak tree - mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s it is like a birch - flexible3 but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." The daughter asks, "A Christmas tree?!?" "Yes," says mom. "Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration!"

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Six priests had to undergo a special test before they could be ordained. They had to stand naked, with a bell tied to their penis and if their bell rang, that meant they had no sexual purity and they would not be ordained. To make matters worse, in walked a naked woman with a spectacular body.

She danced and gyrated but no one's bell rang - except poor Ralph's. In fact, it rang so hard that it flew off his penis and landed across the room. Embarrassed, Ralph walked over and bent down to pick up his bell.

Then the other five bells rang.

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My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile because I'm 36 and she's 22. Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.

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Want to have some fun? Pick up a box of condoms and ask the clerk where the fitting room is.

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Beer bottle - "You break me and you get one year of bad luck!"

Mirror - "That's nothing. You break me and you get SEVEN years of bad luck!"

Condom - "Amateurs."

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Donald Trump, Vladmir Putin and Bashar al-Assad are captured by ISIS. The leader of ISIS walks into their cell and says, "Today is your lucky day. We offer you a deal. If the combined length of your penises is one foot, you all go free. But if not, you all die!"

The men take off their pants. Putin's dick is 6 inches; al-Assad's is 4 inches; and Trump's is 2 inches. That adds up to a foot, and they are freed!

Outside, Putin says, "You are lucky I am from Mother Russia!" al-Assad says, "No, it is fortunate I am a Syrian!" Trump says, "You guys are lucky I had an erection!"

BADD!!!

Y'all funny.

Just missed these. Thanks, KB & RS. Just posted another one 'cause I thought no one else would! Keep it going on Fridays. Lord know we need it!

EmmaMcG said:

What do you call a Roman virgin? Titus Fuck

Love it!

EmmaMcG said:

What do you call a Roman virgin? Titus Fuck