A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper.

Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32 " the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks

the counter girl the same question. She replies,"I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.

Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was,

but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties.

Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street

until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says,

"What the hell, go ahead." The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around.

After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You're 47."

Stunned, the woman says, "That's amazing. How do you know?". The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."

Let's see if I can remember any jokes in that vein......Hmmm, here's on that I think I've posted before so forgive me if you've already heard it:

A woman tells her husband she wants a boob job. "Great!" says the husband. "I want you to have one too, but the problem is we can't afford a plastic surgeon. However, I think I know a way to get a boob job for free. Take this toilet paper and rub it between your boobs every day. Before long, they should be GIANT!"

The wife is disbelieving. "How can rubbing toilet paper on my boobs make them grow?"

"I don't know," says the husband. "But it sure worked on your ass!"

*****************************************************

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the Huron River Breast Stroke Championships.

The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant.

Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived.

The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her.

They embraced the young girl as she came ashore.

After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."

*****************************************************

Donald Trump is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her, grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

Melania turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of three Secret Service agents."

!!

BADD!!!

[Edited 5/5/17 10:03am]

RodeoSchro said:

Let's see if I can remember any jokes in that vein......Hmmm, here's on that I think I've posted before so forgive me if you've already heard it:

A woman tells her husband she wants a boob job. "Great!" says the husband. "I want you to have one too, but the problem is we can't afford a plastic surgeon. However, I think I know a way to get a boob job for free. Take this toilet paper and rub it between your boobs every day. Before long, they should be GIANT!"

The wife is disbelieving. "How can rubbing toilet paper on my boobs make them grow?"

"I don't know," says the husband. "But it sure worked on your ass!"

*****************************************************

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the Huron River Breast Stroke Championships.

The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant.

Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived.

The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her.

They embraced the young girl as she came ashore.

After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."

*****************************************************

Donald Trump is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her, grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

Melania turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of three Secret Service agents."

A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What can I get you, Mr. President?"

........................................................................................

What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra?

He grows taller.

.......................................................................................

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "Donald Trump sucks!" written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his security staff's headquarters, and yells, "Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!"

.

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"

Trump says, "Give me the bad news first."

.

The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine."

Trump says, "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?"

The officer replies, "Well Mr. President, it's Melania's handwriting."

purplethunder3121 said:

A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What can I get you, Mr. President?"

........................................................................................

What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra?

He grows taller.

.......................................................................................

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "Donald Trump sucks!" written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his security staff's headquarters, and yells, "Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!"

.

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"

Trump says, "Give me the bad news first."

.

The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine."

Trump says, "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?"

The officer replies, "Well Mr. President, it's Melania's handwriting."