my dog's name is SEX...

When I got married and went on my honeymoon I took my dog with me.

I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for my wife and myself, and a special room for Sex.

He said, "You don't need a special room for Sex. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do."

I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny, I have the same problem."

When I went to City Hall to renew my dog's license I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex.

He said, "I'd like one too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He winked at me and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

Well, one day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began the dog got loose and ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking disappointed.

I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.

He said, "Wonderful! If you sell tickets you'll clean up!"

"But you don't understand", I said. "I want to have Sex on TV."

He said, "They already have that on Cable. It's no big deal any more."

Well my wife and I decided to separate, so we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said to the judge, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."

The Judge said, "The courtroom is not a confessional. Please stick to the facts."

Then I told him that after I was married Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Well last night Sex ran away again, and I spent hours looking all over for him.

A cop came over to me and asked, What are you doing in this alley at four o'clock in the morning?"

I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up soon.

Here's my contribution:

Three guys were about to tee off on the first hole when a beautiful bloned asked if she could join them. "Of course!" they all shouted.

The first guy hit it 200 yards, staright down the fairway. "Nice shot!" said the blonde. "Yes, not bad considering my impediment," replied golfer #1. "What impediment?" "Well, I have an artificial leg," he said and he lifted his pants and showed her.

Golfer #2 hit it 250 yards straight down the fairway. "Nice shot!" said the blonde. "Yes, not bad considering my impediment," replied golfer #2. "What impediment?" "Well, I have an artificial arm," he said and he rolled back his shirt sleeve and showed her.

Golfer # 3 hit it 300 yards straight down the fairway. "Nice shot!" said the blonde. "Yes, not bad considering my impediment," replied golfer #3. "What impediment?" "Well, I have an artificial heart," he said. "I don't believe you!" said the blonde. "Well, I could show you but I have to unscrew it and I don't want to do it in public. Come with me behind the pro shop and I'll show you." So they went together behind the pro shop.

They were gone 10 minutes and the other guys got worried. So one of them went behind the pro shop where he saw golfer #3 and the blonde. And yes - golfer #3 was still screwing his heart out!

***********************************************************

Three golfers (not the same three as above!) were joined by the club pro on the first tee. They were excited about playing a round with the pro, figuring he could give them valuable advice.

The first golfer hooked his drive into the trees. "What's my problem?" he asked the pro. "Loft," replied the pro.

The second golfer sliced his drive into the woods. "What's my problem?" he asked the pro. "Loft," replied the pro.

The third golfer skulled his drive and it rolled down the fairway. "What's my problem?" he asked the pro. "Loft," replied the pro.

"Now just a second," said the first golfer. "We had three different drives - a hook, a slice, and a grounder. How can the problem be the same for all three of us?"

"Loft," said the pro. "L. O. F. T. Lack Of Fucking Talent".

BADD!!!

RodeoSchro said:

Here's my contribution:

Three guys were about to tee off on the first hole when a beautiful bloned asked if she could join them. "Of course!" they all shouted.

The first guy hit it 200 yards, staright down the fairway. "Nice shot!" said the blonde. "Yes, not bad considering my impediment," replied golfer #1. "What impediment?" "Well, I have an artificial leg," he said and he lifted his pants and showed her.

Golfer #2 hit it 250 yards straight down the fairway. "Nice shot!" said the blonde. "Yes, not bad considering my impediment," replied golfer #2. "What impediment?" "Well, I have an artificial arm," he said and he rolled back his shirt sleeve and showed her.

Golfer # 3 hit it 300 yards straight down the fairway. "Nice shot!" said the blonde. "Yes, not bad considering my impediment," replied golfer #3. "What impediment?" "Well, I have an artificial heart," he said. "I don't believe you!" said the blonde. "Well, I could show you but I have to unscrew it and I don't want to do it in public. Come with me behind the pro shop and I'll show you." So they went together behind the pro shop.

They were gone 10 minutes and the other guys got worried. So one of them went behind the pro shop where he saw golfer #3 and the blonde. And yes - golfer #3 was still screwing his heart out!

***********************************************************

Three golfers (not the same three as above!) were joined by the club pro on the first tee. They were excited about playing a round with the pro, figuring he could give them valuable advice.

The first golfer hooked his drive into the trees. "What's my problem?" he asked the pro. "Loft," replied the pro.

The second golfer sliced his drive into the woods. "What's my problem?" he asked the pro. "Loft," replied the pro.

The third golfer skulled his drive and it rolled down the fairway. "What's my problem?" he asked the pro. "Loft," replied the pro.

"Now just a second," said the first golfer. "We had three different drives - a hook, a slice, and a grounder. How can the problem be the same for all three of us?"

"Loft," said the pro. "L. O. F. T. Lack Of Fucking Talent".

HuMpThAnG said:

BADD!!!

EmmaMcG said:

A woman walked into the bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave her one!

The manager hired a new secretary.

She was young, sweet, and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

While leaving the room, she courteously said,

"Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open."

He did not understand her remark,

but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked,

"By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning,

did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied,

"Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

[Edited 4/28/17 10:34am]

Innuendo joke:


x 100

By the 3rd line I was already

I dunno if this qualifies for 'joke of the year' award