Rhondab said:

Rhonda! Don't!

Rhondab said:

and i had just finished charging the battery on my camcorder...

oh well...

At the risk of oversimplifying this issue, I believe it comes down to taking the time to find someone you are compatible with. Let me repeat the KEY WORDS there:

“taking the time”
“compatible”


Several factors go into why “relationships” fail. Usually, the signs are there RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING, but the smitten 1 is.. TOO SMITTEN to see them!


I'll break it down like this..
as "complexes" (for lack of a better word):


"Bad Boy" complex-
Many women are attracted to “the bad boy”.. because, well.. he’s BAD & he’s DANGEROUS & the woman knows that there seldom is a “dull moment” with that man. The woman can live out some part(s) of her life through this bad boy, or they can (in whatever way) “rebel” through him. Typically, though, the same thing that attracts a woman to a “bad boy” is often the same thing that damages (or ends) the relationship. At some point, the “bad boy” does something that negatively affects the woman, or puts her trust of him in danger. Some bad boys believe that once they are “in” with that woman, they can do basically whatever they want- & get away with it- because, well.. after all, they are the “bad boy” &.. bad boys do.. bad things!


“Mother part 2” complex (aka the caregiver)-
Some women want men to take care of- literally & figuratively. Apparently, women who want these “needy” types of men find them rather.. easily. Most of these men have been thoroughly taken care of- even outright spoiled- by their mothers, & now, as “adults” these men are only too happy to be with a woman who’s willing to take care of all of their needs: emotional, physical, practical, whatever. Caregiving women often believe that being in such a relationship is either the best way to express their love for their man, or they see it as being something like.. “noble.” Some women do the caregiver thing & expect little (if anything) in return. Other women- even though they totally cargegive- do want to receive the same in return, if not more. Those caregiving women who don’t receive as much as they give.. at some point resentment (or some other negative emotion) starts to set in:

“after ALL these things I’ve done/sacrificed for you, this is the thanks I get!”

The thing with being too much of a “caregiver” is that in doing so, the caregiver either neglects or deprives herself of the things she needs: personal growth, stability, something. There is a FINE LINE between contributing equally to all the aspects of a healthy adult relationship & being.. a caregiver. Then, in depriving oneself of these things, the caregiver might 1 day say, “well, I’m tired of putting out so much of myself & not getting back as much”.. at that point, this type of relationship is on its way to its end.


Then, here’s a mistake both men & women make too often: they go into a relationship from a position of weakness instead of a position of strength.

An overly insecure person will fall QUICKLY for someone who positively reinforces. The insecure person could become very dependant on that positive reinforcement from their partner, & the partner might at some point tire of having to always pump up the insecure 1..
once this type of pattern is established, it's usually VERY DIFFICULT to break.

A meticulous, regimented, (controlling?) person seldom has problems finding the opposite- someone who’s barely organized, who does whatever whenever & however..
The “lazy” 1 often is glad to be with someone who’ll make all the decisions & organize everything & determine when, where & how most things go. As long as the “lazy 1” is cool with it.. everything is cool. But.. what if, 1 day, the lazy 1 wants to have more of a say, have more “autonomy” within the relationship &/or as an individual? A "power struggle" ensues, the type which typically brings an end to the relationship..
or.. the power struggle plays itself out on a very regular basis, in all kinds of ways..
Some people like A LOT of drama, you know..

Some people are not HONEST with themselves (much less with the other person). Some women will say “Joe is ‘cute’ (enough), he makes GOOD money.. BUT he drinks too much, he eats red meat, etc.”.. & some women will simply put up with many things that they normally wouldn’t, JUST to be in a relationship. They try to ignore the things that concern them, or WORSE, some women think:

“oh yeah, he does that now, but that’ll change once I/we ___.”

NEWSFLASH, darlings:

It almost NEVER works out that way.

Each of us is essentially THE WAY EACH OF US CHOOSES TO BE. From where you live to where you work; from what you eat to what you wear; the way you think, the way you act.. these are all CHOICES (made from at least to possible choices.)


Can you imagine someone who meets you for the 1st time, digs you, & then says to him/herself: “oh, just wait until I ‘change’ this or that thing about [you]!”
I don’t think so! Most of you- despite whatever faults you may have- are probably at least “minimally satisfied” with who you are, & you probably aren’t trying to be.. “changed” by someone else who (at the moment) hardly knows you!

Some people just want to be a relationship so much-
they want to be able to simply say that they are in 1-
that they’ll settle for ANYTHING.
Again, this is a recipe for DISASTER.


From what I’ve seen & heard, as well as from my own (limited) amount of “relationship experience”..
the best relationships start, develop &

LAST

when both people enter into it from an “equal place”..
when both have established a genuine FRIENDSHIP first, in which commonalities & life experiences & goals present themselves.. & both have seen each other in “non-courting mode”..


The more you develop yourself
spiritually,
personally,
emotionally,
professionally,
etc.
the better “you” there will be to offer to the “right” person.

Think about it: if you have a job you like, have your own place, your own ride, have (or are getting) further education or some type of specialized training..

do you really think you’d do well with someone who LACKED some or many of those things, or who wasn't on a similar path?

Would some lacking in those things really think they’d have a chance with you? Would they really want to be with someone like you, considering how their life is or how they want it to be?

Let me be clear, here: I’m not saying that if you make 6 figures in some big company, you can’t have/won’t want someone who makes $20,000 a year.

It really is more about the overall compatibility of the 2, as much as (if not more than) anything else.

Being HONEST with yourself,
Being HONEST with you potential partner.. this goes A LONG WAY towards establishing a good relationship.

Good relationships TAKE TIME. Granted, American culture is often about instant this & automatic that.. the whole “I want it RIGHT NOW if not yesterday” mentality..
But in reality.. relationships don’t function (WELL) that way.

Like a GOOD friend of mine-
whom I met here on the org, believe it or not-
told me:

"You need to 'marry yourself' before you even think about marrying someone else”

This person is quite “deep”, & sometimes it takes me a while to understand what this person means. I finally took this to mean that

it’s important to love yourself first-
NOT BE SELF-CENTERED OR SELF-FOCUSED-
before you can love someone else.

I don’t think truer words have been said.


So, RhondaB..
despite what 1 man has (or some men have) done to you, it’s UNWISE for you to “give up on men”..

SOMEWHERE on this immense planet of human life.. THERE IS a man out there..
JUST FOR YOU.

You simply need to be in a good place personally- as well as in the right place literally- to meet that person.


I could easily say “I’ve given up on women”.. but I’d be wrong- & FOOLISH- to say that. I know that there are things that I can/should do to make myself a better person, to attract the type of woman I’d be most compatible to, the type I'd be most MOTIVATED to do the things to build & maintain a good relationship. I have no idea when or how that time will come, but.. I’m looking forward to it!


That might be 1 of the best things about being in a GOOD relationship: usually,

The opportunity for you to be in 1 comes.. when you LEAST expect it!





So RhondaB..
literally & figuratively speaking:

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!

BattierBeMyDaddy said:

GREAT!!!

I'll bring the 's





[This message was edited Wed Apr 9 15:36:10 PDT 2003 by Nikster]

DICK!!




Sorry girlie, can't join you

Rhondab said:

No, I did try with a woman, in my younger years) but I couldn't feel free. I think I do belong to a man, I feel. But that soul is going lost looking for me and we just have to find a way to come together. that requires in many cases - TIME! -

Rhondab said:

Gigglin...snicker'n...CRACKIN UP!!!