I was driving from the city to the country and stopped at a convenience store. A man in a pick-up truck pulled up next to me, and the bed of his truck was filled with cow manure. Man, did it smell!

"What are you going to do with all that poop?" I asked him. He said, "I'm going to spread it on my strawberries".

So I naturally replied, "You should come live where I do. We put whipped cream on our strawberries".



What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Well hung!



Little Johnny was in class and the assignment was Tell A Story With A Moral. So Little Billy gets up and says, "My uncle owns a farm. One day I went to the henhouse and counted all the eggs. There were 210 eggs! So I told my uncle there was going to be 210 chicks. But some eggs didn't hatch, and some of the chicks were born dead, so the moral is Don't Count All Your chickens Before The Hatch".

Little Sally got up and said, "My uncle owns a farm, too. One day we collected all the eggs and put them in a basket, and drove to the market to sell them. But my uncle hit a bump and the basket went flying. Most of the eggs broke, boo hoo. So my moral is Don't Put All Your Eggs In One Basket".

It was Little Johnny's turn. He stood up and said, "My Uncle Jim is a fighter pilot. He flew in the first Gulf War. His F-15 Eagle was hit by a rocket and he ejected. He took his rifle with its bayonet, and a fifth of Jim Beam with him. He drank the whole fifth of Jim Beam as he floated down, and he landed right in the middle of a squad of 100 Iraqi Republican Guard soldiers. Uncle Jim shot 30 of them but his rifle ran out of bullets. He stabbed another 30 but then his bayonet broke. So he had to kill the last 40 with his bare hands".

"MY GOD!" exclaimed the teacher. "What could possibly be the moral of THAT story?!?"

Little Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Jim when he's been drinking!"



One day Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Kim Kardashian were riding on a train. The train went through a pich-black tunnel and suddenly there was the sound of a kiss, followed immediately by the sound of a slap! When it emerged, Kim was looking offended, while Trump was rubbing his slapped face.

"That cad Donald Trump must have tried to kiss me but kissed Vladimir instead, and Vladimir slapped him!" thought Kim Kardashian.

"Vlaidmir must have kissed Kim and she thought it was me, so she slapped me!" thought Donald Trump.

"This is great!" thought Vladimir Putin. "Every time we go through a tunnel, I'm going to make a kissing sound and then slap the shit out of that idiot Trump!"

Take some time off.