...be in a partnership relationship again. Anyone else feel like this?

Therapy said:

I have...You will feel like this until you heal...once you do you'll come out wiser and stronger and ready for what comes next.

applekisses said:

True, I feel like I am grieving that last relationship, that's not why I say it though. I feel what I was looking for in my relationships is something that I can get another way. It's no longer a 'need'. I'm open for 'wanting', but only if the relationship does not compromise too much on the enjoyment that I get from spending time with myself.

And that feels wonderful

Therapy said:

the trick is from now on to be honest about how you feel.
you don't have to COMMIT any more, if you don't choose
to.
you can be with or without whomever you decide to.
live life like a real person, say " hay, i like my freedom
you're just a diversion but i like your company.
don't get comfterable because i'm not lookin for that kind of relationship and if i see you lookin like you about
to break the pattern, YOU OUTTA HERE!!!

Therapy said:

I know exactly what you mean.

Therapy said:

I think that's a pretty healthy view. May I ask: What were you seeking in your prior relationship that you now feel you can get in another way?

I'm comfortable needing a relationship. A lot of people have told me I should make myself happy as an individual, all alone, and then seek a partner that compliments me. But I have no qualms about saying that I feel incomplete without a partner. But it depends on where you are in life...if your sense of autonomy is under-developed, some time alone might be just what you "need."


[This message was edited Sun Apr 6 10:57:40 PDT 2003 by teller]

teller said:

I feel exactly the same way! I am not in a relationship right now and havent been for the last 6 months. This is the longest I have ever been w/o a man since I was 14 years old and I am so lonely! Everyone tells me thats not healthy blah blah blah but you know thats just my personality. I really enjoy companionship and being in a relationship.

Teller, this isn't about where I'm at in my development as such.

Lammastide, I'll answer your Q and then Teller, you may see more of what I mean, lol...

I have thought that I would feel complete and fulfilled as a person by quenching the unfillable need for relationship with a partner. Needing to me, means a grasping, an over stretching to make something happen that doesn't naturally just happen. Why? This is familiar to me, it is what I have done for a long time, as this is what happened within my family dynamics while I was growing as a child/teenager. Even though I left home 10 years ago, I have internalised this pattern and behaved unconsciously with it until examing my actions in therapy. Now, this is not the only thing that I have done over the years. But men have played a very large role as far as where my attention and focus is in life. For me, that is because of thinking that the source of my happiness lies outside of myself. Why do I think that? As I have felt no happiness from inside of myself. Why has that been? Because of all of the mental and emotional abuse that happened while I was living with my parents and the subsequent repeatitions of this via my internalised suppressing sub personalities. Confused?! I hope not!

What I have found, is my sense of self over the past 4/5 years, growing steadily stronger. I have always been inside, yet it has been very seldom a time that I have experienced my own nature and divinity to the extent that I do today. This is what I am talking about. I am experiencing it so much more than I ever have done, I am so happy to experience life in the way that it just 'is', that that fulfillment removes for me the 'need' to be fulfilled in life from a partner. That to me is where my home will always be, no one or nothing else can ever be my home apart from that place inside me. With regards to relationships, I don't have that desperation anymore, I don't have the longing to be safe, cared for and loved by another person...and the reason is, that I have learnt to do this for myself. Essentially, what I feel I can get from myself that I don't think I will ever be able to get from a partner, is a connection to divinity. Maybe some people are different, and they connect to divinity through other people. This is how it is for me.

I am not saying that I want a life of a hermit, never seeing another person, no way man. I still have 'needs', yet these are different than being 'needy'. I want a life of enjoying people, my company and other peoples company. I don't feel needy of other people as I have done, because the things that I have needed from other people, I have found I can provide for myself! Ie, from friends, hours of communication on the phone about relationship problems... don't need that anymore. Not because I'm not involved in one now, but because I have learnt to speak with myself and help myself through situations. I have learnt that I am capable and have/still am examining how I occupy 'victim' position at times with people.

I am also saying that I recognise the inter relatedness between myself and others and do think that 'all are one' - yet this is viewed in the spirit of a giving connection, rather than needing and waiting to be given which I have done so much of to date. This feels amazing and is on the increase.

.

I don't mind having a steady partner. But i don't "C" marriage anywhere on the horizon. I am happy being alone, choosing what i want to do, when i want to do it. As long as i have good friends, i'll be just fine. Don't need someone to complete me.

WOW! Congratulations Therapy. Sounds like you are on a very healthy journey...

Enjoy yourself, there is nobody like you.

i won't be in a relationship for a while a man is like a child you have to take care of and I need to be taking care of myself, i gotta give myself time to grow before I get into with somebody else. You gotta learn how to love yourself before anybody else and this is going to be my philosphy from now on

DigitalLisa said:

I agree Lisa that a woman should be able to take care of herself but I dont agree that all men are like a child, there are alot of strong brothas outthere who can handle their business.

Paisley said:

They are just hard to find

luv4thepurple1 said:

You just have to keep the faith sista.

Paisley said:

I'm tryin Paisley... I'm tryin!

luv4thepurple1 said:

Ya gots ta keep your head-up! "Tupac"