Cast-



Bob- Mr. Applesway


Jill- Mrs. Applesway


David- Jimmy Applesway / Ty Miginty


Tom- Mr. Tink


Paul- Ghost





Bob: Hello.



David: Hi... Hi can I get some change please.



Bob: Sure.



David: For the balloon.



Bob: Sure it is. Hey, you're a new face here why don't you try booth three? I'll let the movies play a little longer.



(John walks out of a room)



Jill: Goodness Troy you're only in there about 10 minutes, are you feelin' all right?



John: Yeah



Jill: Step over here.. (he obliges, she feels his head) No warmer than you should be, all right see ya next week.



John: Thanks Mrs. A.



Bob: Good-bye Troy.



John: Thanks Mr. A (exits)



Bob: Good kid.



Jill: Fine boy.



Bob: (Walks around counter, stubs toe on box) God damnit!



Jill: Language!



Bob: Jimmy! What the hell is this young man?



David: (with a different shirt and backwards hat enters) I know...



Bob: I'll tell ya what it is! It's a box of big black dildos. You and your sister were supposed to put these out last night!



David: I'll do it later.



Bob: You'll do it now. (hits him in the head with dildo)



David: Ow!



Bob: And next time you'll get more than a dildo in the head!



David: Stupid dildos.



Bob: Don't blame the dildos.



Tom: Morning Mr. Applesway, Mrs. Applesway.



Jill: Mr. Tink.



Tom: Suppose you know why I'm here.



Bob: Mr. Tink I told you this shop is not for sale.



Tom: Look take the money, the city's rezoning this entire block you're gonna lose the shop.



Bob: No we wont.



Jill: We have a petition.



Bob: Every customer for the last month has signed that and proudly.



Tom: (reads petition) L. Smith, Bill Smith, Mr. Jones? Fake names!



Bob: Well, the last names might be, but the first names are real.



Tom: Very clever, but it wont work. Mr. Applesway, when you change your mind, and you will give me a call. Ah could I have some quarters also?



Bob: Of course of course you can, shoulda known. Try booth two- 2 chicks one dick.



David: (with bookbag on) Done, I'm going to Ronnie's.



Jill: Take this clean shaven tape over to Ronnie's dad for me.(Starts putting tape in bag, discovers something...) Would you care to explain this.



Bob: What's that?



Jill: One of those X-rated cd-roms. I will not have this filth in my house. This stuff sickens me, sex with the computer.



David: Mom its only porno.



Jill: Jimmy honey, computers are not natural there's no warmth. Not like a magazine you know you can run your fingers over the pages...



David: You run your fingers over the pages.



Bob: You watch your mouth!



David: Keep the stupid CD. I don't care, I hate porno I'm sick of it. I'm sick of All Anal Action, Chicks with Dicks, Lactating Mamas and all of it.



Bob: Let me remind you that that stupid all anal action paid for that mountain bike of yours.



David: Well I don't care.



Bob: Well you should start to care.



David: Well I don't.



Bob: Well you should.



Paul: Who speaks ill of pornography?



Bob: Oh my god, who are you?



Paul: I? Why I started this shop with just a hole in the side of a tree.



Bob: Oh my god great-great-great-grandpa!



Paul: That's right. Young man you say you hate pornography but pornography does not hate you . Why in your darkest hour who is it that holds your hand? Pornography.



Bob: You listen to him Jimmy.



Paul: You listen too father. Do you remember how they laughed you? They laughed at you when you brought home the very first dirty video tape!



Bob: Yes, yes!



Paul: What did they say ? That it would never replace the Super-8 loop. But now look-- look, an entire wall of nothing but hard core gay anal sex! If that doesn't bring a tear to your eye, then, you're the one who's in-human!



Bob: Thank you sir, you've taught us all a lesson.



Paul: Don't mention it... And now I must depart your physical realm!



Bob: Good-bye!



David: Bye!



Jill: Bye!



Paul: Could I get some quarters?



Bob: Oh yeah, of course ya can. Here ya go.



Paul: Thank you very much, keep it in the family. Now I bid you farewell...



Bob: Farewell.



Paul: ...back into the mist.



Guy in booth: Hey I'm in here.



Paul: Sorry, sorry, terribly sorry. So long now.



Bob: Bye.



Paul: Good-bye.



Jill: Bye.



(Bob and Jill hug)



Bob: Mr. Tink?



Tom: I couldn't help but over hear what that ghost had to say. He's right, I'm advising my bosses to look elsewhere.



Bob: Oh, thank you sir.



David: Thank you sir, thank you.



Jill: God bless you!



Tom: You're welcome.



David: Thank you.



Bob: Good-bye.



David: Good-bye.



Tom: Good-bye... uh Could I have some quarters?



Bob: Oh yes, I thought you were done.



Tom: A couple of pumps left.



David: I'm just going to Ronnie's.



Jill: All right, be careful!



(a loud banging begins)



Bob: Those damn neighbors. (Bangs on ceiling with broom) Keep it down! There's people trying to masturbate down here!



Mr. Show - Season two, episode two.
[This message was edited Thu Apr 3 18:52:23 PST 2003 by IceNine]

wtf?

honey you got some issues

teller said:

It is a comedy sketch...

where are the cucumbers

Going for a kind of Monty Python-esque kind of thing here, like the classic "bookshop?"

teller said:

That brilliant comedy sketch was by David Cross and Bob Odenkirk, better known as Mr. Show, on HBO... they were the greatest!

Dig this... here is the transcript of a television commercial that they wrote for a hamburger joint:




Commercials of the Future: Ding Dong Burgers Commercial*



[Shots of "Ding Dong King Kong Sing Song Burger Sign", a man eating a burger sped up.]



David V.O.: We went to a real Ding Dong Burger to ask real Ding Dong Burger eaters what they think of the new "Ding Dong King Kong Sing Song" Burger.



[Shot of a booth, with Brian and girlfriend on the same side, both with burgers]



Mary Lynn: It's great! [takes a bite]



Brian: It's so big, it's fucking great.



[another shot of the Ding Dong burger sign]



[shot of family of four in a booth with food on the table, Jill and son seated on left, Tom and daughter sitting on right]



David V.O.: What about you folks?



Jill: Yeah!



[close-up of Tom]



Tom: I can feed the whole family for under $20.



[wide shot of Tom smiling daughter]



[shot of Jill messing up son's hair]



Jill: And with the price of beef going through the fucking roof, that's a deal.



[shot of Bob and David seated, both with burgers and drinks. David, on left, is in a dark suit, dark sunglasses, and a black wig. Bob, on right, with his back to the camera, is in a dark suit, no sunglasses, and a blond wig]



David V.O.: Fellas?



David: [To camera] This cock sucker dragged me down here, I don't know.



[Bob turns and smiles to the camera]



[Close up of Bob]



Bob: [To David] - Just eat the fuckin' thing.



[Close up of David]



David: Fuck you asshole.



[shot of both, Bob turns and smiles to the camera]



[closeup of David's mouth, he takes a bite]



David: Fuck!



[shot of David's whole head and burger]



David: This mother fucker's tasty!



[shot of both]



Bob: I told you fucking ass!



[Bob turns and smiles to the camera, then the Ding Dong Burgers logo comes down over the shot]



David V.O.: Ding Dong Burgers, a Globo-chem company.



[Pit-Pat floats across the screen]



Pit-Pat: Take it from me, I love you!

Mr. Show rocked! :LOL: