PurpleJedi said:

I am personally going through a bit of self-reflection on this matter, so thank you all for the input.

I've spent the past 5 years trying to "forgive and forget" my ex but I don't think that I've actually succeeded. Still some anger seething just beneath the skin that sometimes rears its ugly head.

For all intents and purposes I'm "over it" but a part of me is still mad, and I don't understand how or why. Not in my nature (at least I didn't think so). Am I holding on to a "grudge" maybe?

3 years ago I thought I had made peace and forgiven.

I understand how you feel. When I think of the term grudge, I take it to mean that you purposely hold on to anger that you feel for another. In your case, I don't believe that this is so. I don't think you wake up every morning wishing that your ex got hit with a bus, but maybe at times you do. I think that what you are feeling is totally natural. You were deeply hurt and while you don't wallow or sit still in that hurt anymore, there's still residual feelings leftover from the aftermath. Have you met another woman since your break up who cherishes you for the kind man that you are? I'm not implying that this would be the cure to your residual feelings of your ex, but it could possibly take your mind off of it.

It takes a lot for me to get angry and when I do I'm over it within 15-20 minutes. Maybe an hour max if I'm really pissed off. If someone keeps fucking up on the same subject over and over I will not keep them around for long, but I don't stay mad, I just move on. I feel blessed I'm wired like this, nothing good comes from holding grudges. Sometimes one person has moved on a long time ago while the other party is still dwelling on the past.

Beautifulstarr123 said:

PurpleJedi said:

I am personally going through a bit of self-reflection on this matter, so thank you all for the input.

I've spent the past 5 years trying to "forgive and forget" my ex but I don't think that I've actually succeeded. Still some anger seething just beneath the skin that sometimes rears its ugly head.

For all intents and purposes I'm "over it" but a part of me is still mad, and I don't understand how or why. Not in my nature (at least I didn't think so). Am I holding on to a "grudge" maybe?

3 years ago I thought I had made peace and forgiven.

I think sometimes it helps to look back earlier into your relationship with you ex, and see if there were any signs that it wasn't going to work out, even before you married her. To me, there is always signs. When I looked back into the relationships I had with my exs, there were signs, but I ignored it. In looking back, it gave me more peace and made it easier for me to forgive and move on.

Sometimes there are signs and sometimes people are blindsided. I'm a true believer in things happening for a reason. No, maybe that girl/guy that you were deeply in love with wasn't the one for you, but the experience and the hurt of it all means that something is supposed to be learned from it. I have an ex that I thought was totally in love with me the way I was with him, but when I finally realized (after 5-6 years) that he didn't feel the same way, it left me seriously heartbroken and feeling stupid for thinking that he did feel the same way all along. I had to forgive myself for not ending things earlier than I should've and it took a very long time for me to do so. Sure, there were signs from the beginning that I shouldn't had even gone down that road with him and just remained his friend, but at the time, I simply fell in love with him and you can't help who you love. All the reasons for dating and being with him romantically outweighed the red flags. The signs are always easier to spot in hindsight rather than when you are living it. In my mind, concentrating on the signs that I missed would drive me insane and make me even more angrier.

missfee said:

Forgive but NEVER forget. It'll never make sense to me how people can continue to "forget" what folks have done to them only for it to happen over and over again. The saying is very true, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice (or more), shame on me". I also don't have patience with people who want to call and vent to me about what such and such has done, yet again. If a person has shown you what they can do and you don't like it, yet you choose to put up with it, then put up and shut up. Otherwise, cut them off.

On the otherhand, I'll never understand folks who can hold grudges for decades. It's a complete waste of time and energy and you've also "lost" because you give the other person all the power by holding the grudge.

LOLOLOL.....





My forgiveness is situational. It depends on who the person is and what they did. Most folks get the easygoing, forgiving me but once in a while a fool will come along who needs the message reinforced so that they know not to try me again.

Alas, I am a work in progress.

NinaB said:

RodeoSchro said:

Forgive them but if they are not a good person, then remove them from your life. That's not carrying a grudge; that's improving your life.

Ooops, just read this is about your ex. Which probably means you can't remove them from your life. So I guess forgive and be as nice as you can, while having as little contact with her as possible.

.

[Edited 7/27/16 9:58am]

Yeah but how does Jedi just leap frog to the forgive part? I say go 2 the boxing gym & punch the life outta the bag, get it out somehow. Or maybe smash some stuff up?

PurpleJedi? Gym?!? Are you new here?

j/k, you know I love you, Ren!

RodeoSchro said:

An apology and changed behaviour notwithstanding, I'm inclined to hold a grudge indefinitely. I don't particularly love this about myself, so I do actively seeks ways to forgive, and that may look different depending on the circumstances: Sometimes I can accept a person back into my life with altogether no modifications in how I deal with them. Sometimes I can accept them back, but more cautiously. Sometimes I opt for complete separation from them as not to be tempted with revenge. Whatever the arrangement, I think the key is trying to undertake it without a spirit to punish.

[Edited 7/27/16 19:19pm]

RodeoSchro said:

NinaB said:

RodeoSchro said: Yeah but how does Jedi just leap frog to the forgive part? I say go 2 the boxing gym & punch the life outta the bag, get it out somehow. Or maybe smash some stuff up?

PurpleJedi? Gym?!? Are you new here?

j/k, you know I love you, Ren!

NinaB said:

RodeoSchro said:

PurpleJedi? Gym?!? Are you new here?

j/k, you know I love you, Ren!

I didn't say work out, I said punch the bag! sorry Jedi! I love ya too

PurpleJedi said:

missfee said:

Beautifulstarr123 said:

I think sometimes it helps to look back earlier into your relationship with you ex, and see if there were any signs that it wasn't going to work out, even before you married her. To me, there is always signs. When I looked back into the relationships I had with my exs, there were signs, but I ignored it. In looking back, it gave me more peace and made it easier for me to forgive and move on.

Sometimes there are signs and sometimes people are blindsided. I'm a true believer in things happening for a reason. No, maybe that girl/guy that you were deeply in love with wasn't the one for you, but the experience and the hurt of it all means that something is supposed to be learned from it. I have an ex that I thought was totally in love with me the way I was with him, but when I finally realized (after 5-6 years) that he didn't feel the same way, it left me seriously heartbroken and feeling stupid for thinking that he did feel the same way all along. I had to forgive myself for not ending things earlier than I should've and it took a very long time for me to do so. Sure, there were signs from the beginning that I shouldn't had even gone down that road with him and just remained his friend, but at the time, I simply fell in love with him and you can't help who you love. All the reasons for dating and being with him romantically outweighed the red flags. The signs are always easier to spot in hindsight rather than when you are living it. In my mind, concentrating on the signs that I missed would drive me insane and make me even more angrier.

Relationships happen for a reason and hopefully it teaches you something: not to make the same mistakes, I totally agree. You cannot help who you love, no argument there.

NinaB said:

morningsong said:

More like that.

Sorry

No probs. All energy can be used, just not in the same ways.

morningsong said:

Forever.

I'm unfortunately extremely stubborn and when I believe I'm right, that's all there is to it. I'm not proud of it but I can admit it. Me and one of my very best friends went over 4 years without talking. I had too much pride and didn't want to "give in" so I never said anything, nor did she. She did reach out to me about 3-4 years ago and we've been back to normal ever since. Like no time had passed at all. I'm trying to change my ways, I know life is too short for that stuff so I'm working on it. I had an argument with another good friend and we went a couple months without talking but I let go of my pride and didn't let it get very far. I knew the friendship meant more to me than whatever the issue was. That took a lot lol Typical Scorpio, what can I say.

JerseyKRS said:

Forever.

PurpleJedi said:

I am personally going through a bit of self-reflection on this matter, so thank you all for the input.

I've spent the past 5 years trying to "forgive and forget" my ex but I don't think that I've actually succeeded. Still some anger seething just beneath the skin that sometimes rears its ugly head.

For all intents and purposes I'm "over it" but a part of me is still mad, and I don't understand how or why. Not in my nature (at least I didn't think so). Am I holding on to a "grudge" maybe?

3 years ago I thought I had made peace and forgiven.

I have the same thing going on with my ex. and whenever I feel anger I'm like WTF.......why is that still there and why is it so instant. He is not in my daily life...I don't even talk to the ex except when necessary, I'm always cordial and polite. I just say good morning back or hello and zone out on some level whenever I have to interact. If I know I will see him, it helps me a lot to take a few moments to meditate. I am not consciously holding a grudge, but subconsciously, I think that because of who he has shown himself to be, his mere presence evokes something negative. (Kind of how we associate that certain smell with nursing homes and know we will likely smell it once we enter in.....). Genereally, I think living angry at folks is just a waste of energy.....I have noticed that it lessens with time.

[Edited 8/1/16 16:29pm]

PurpleJedi said:

How long can you stay mad at someone?

I realize that there are people who hold grudges for years - DECADES even.

What is YOUR limit?

Are you the "forgive and forget" type, or the "forgive but never forget" type???

How bad do you need to get hurt before you banish someone from your life altogether, forever?

Oh...and although I do not dwell on people's actions, I will not forget their character. I mean if people are capable of some things once, it is wise to respec that they often retain that capability. Saves me a bunch of nonsense down the road

There are so many different factors.

Did they do something intentional, or was it a mistake/accident? If mistake/accident, I'll forgive eventually.

Do they show remorse? If yes, I'll forgive eventually.

Have they done the same thing more than once?

Did it have a lasting effect, or was the damage only temporary?

In most cases, I'll forgive when they show remorse ... but I never forget, ever.

My sister broke my tricycle when I was 4, so I would say until that bitch dies.

PurpleJedi said:

How long can you stay mad at someone?

I realize that there are people who hold grudges for years - DECADES even.

What is YOUR limit?

Are you the "forgive and forget" type, or the "forgive but never forget" type???

How bad do you need to get hurt before you banish someone from your life altogether, forever?

I am definetely the "forgive but never forget" type.
How soon I forgive depends on what the person has done of course.
It would take me a lot longer to forgive if the person has acted malignantly
or if they are regularly unkind towards others.

I would still try to understand why the person has acted in a certain way,

depending on their background/circumstances and even forgive them in my heart,
but would also be inclined to keep my distances from thereon.
Forgiveness is good, masochism not so much.

PurpleJedi said:

How long can you stay mad at someone?

I realize that there are people who hold grudges for years - DECADES even.

What is YOUR limit?

Are you the "forgive and forget" type, or the "forgive but never forget" type???

How bad do you need to get hurt before you banish someone from your life altogether, forever?

Not long. It takes a lot to make me mad, but when I do get really angry it is intense and short-lived. Usually turns to sadness or indifference.

missfee said:

I'm a true believer in things happening for a reason.

I am too, but to a degree. We still have free will, we still control our own fate (for the most part).

I think all too often people make the same mistakes over and over because they think it was meant to happen, rather than realizing they caused it to happen. I'm not saying that's the case with the OP because I know nothing of his situation, but if there's anything he should have done differently I hope he's aware of it so it doesn't happen again with someone else. It's so very important to learn from our past experiences.

PurpleJedi said:

I am personally going through a bit of self-reflection on this matter, so thank you all for the input.

I've spent the past 5 years trying to "forgive and forget" my ex but I don't think that I've actually succeeded. Still some anger seething just beneath the skin that sometimes rears its ugly head.

For all intents and purposes I'm "over it" but a part of me is still mad, and I don't understand how or why. Not in my nature (at least I didn't think so). Am I holding on to a "grudge" maybe?

3 years ago I thought I had made peace and forgiven.

Did she cheat on you? Either way, perhaps part of you is still angry because you feel like the time spent with her was wasted, and maybe you missed other opportunities because you were with her.

I know at times I still get annoyed when I think how I basically wasted 8 prime years of my life on a relationship that eventually ended. Wish I could get those 8 years back.