I'm an 18 year old guy and my parents are honestly smothering me.

To give you a little background... for a lot of my life I was a pretty shy guy. I talked a lot to people I knew well, but most people would classify me as quiet. I was always content being at home, television, hobbies, etc. and my parents never had any sort of 'rebel' problems when it came to me. Maybe the worst would be laziness leading to a bad grade or two.

For some reason, in the last 2 years, maybe it was just late blooming, my personality took a complete 3/60. In these 2 years I've developed a love for talking, attempting to meet new people, going out for hours, and such. One of the bad habits I developed was smoking cigarettes and the first time my parents smelled it off me (I was 17) they became very paranoid and obsessive about where I go and who's there.

Now 5 months have passed, I don't really smoke anymore, but I still love going out. My parents are so against me being out, and are constantly paranoid and asking exactly who I'm going with and exact locations (sometimes even addresses), they even try to account for a missing 5 or 10 minutes. Having an 9pm curfew (and I say 9 loosely, they get paranoid at around 8:30), is super fucking annoying. I feel like every teenager is going out and having the time of their lives in the best time of their life, except me who has to deal with smothering parents (who are also super religious and against anything like girls, smoke, party, etc). Even "innocent" activities like going paintballing with friends or watching a movie at the theater has them asking a million questions a minute.

Maybe my "fault" in this is that I'm too close to my parents -- I can't ever envision fighting and arguing with them like most people do. A lot of teens fight with their parents to the point where the parents wear down and eventually relent to more lenient rules. I on the other hand am very close to my parents and it would be difficult for me do that. But I honestly feel like it's holding me back in life and in fun. I feel bored at home after all... Another thing is that it took me a while to rebel.. most people go through that phase at around age 14/15 but I guess I was more innocent back then and never did. So now a sudden rebellion at 18's gonna be weird :/

Anyone have any advice/stories of their own?

[Edited 3/14/16 20:02pm]

It could be worse. They could not care at all.

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Speaking as a mother of a 30 year old, a 14 year old, and a 12 year old, I'm over-protective of my children. My 30 year old son told my 14 year old son and 12 year daughter that "Mom is very protective, overly protective, but it's because she does love us and wants us to be safe and have a good life. So, don't fight it, just find a way to live with it and know that it's just that she always wants what is best for you."

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If your parents weren't smothering you, you'd be wondering whether they care at all. Yeah, it's a pain in the butt (and it is for them, too, because you are always first and foremost in their thoughts - is he safe? is he warm? is he hungry? is he okay?), but they do it out of love for you, not to make your life more difficult. They know that soon you will be out on your own, away from them, and they won't be able to protect you from the rest of the world, they won't be able to take care of you as you'll have to take care of yourself, but right now, they still can somewhat. You are 18, legally a man that can be living on his own, but to them, you'll always be their little boy.

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If you want to earn their respect, ask them to talk about it rationally. Just tell them that you love them, and respect the way they raised you, but that it's almost time for them to let go some and that they need to trust that they raised you well and gave you the tools you need to be able to make sound decisions. Let them know that you will make mistakes, because you aren't perfect, but that it's through mistakes that we learn our greatest lessons and grow the most. Tell them that you trust the tools they have given you to face the world, and ask them whether they trust the tools they've given you, and if they do, would they mind allowing you some freedoms to be able to use those tools.

Sit down and talk with your parents and address theirs and your concerns.

You do live under their roof-their home so they can make the rules. You have to compromise and come to rules that all can live with. Still a teenager at 18. You may need to convince them you are a responsible teenager and that they can trust you.

Do you have a full-time job? Do you pay room and board to your parents? Are you attending school or plans to attend college/university?

If all else fails ........... you may have to look at other options such as moving out and sharing an apartment with some friends.

If you want your parents to treat you like an adult then act like an adult.

Good luck.

luv4u said:

Sit down and talk with your parents and address theirs and your concerns.

You do live under their roof-their home so they can make the rules. You have to compromise and come to rules that all can live with. Still a teenager at 18. You may need to convince them you are a responsible teenager and that they can trust you.

Do you have a full-time job? Do you pay room and board to your parents? Are you attending school or plans to attend college/university?

If all else fails ........... you may have to look at other options such as moving out and sharing an apartment with some friends.

If you want your parents to treat you like an adult then act like an adult.

Good luck.

Yup, that won't stop until he moves out and becomes independent.

Bless your heart....you sound like a good young man.

Here's the thing. It sounds like your parents are used to the way you used to be and haven't quite adjusted to the new you. The cigarette thing probably scared them too. I agree that the curfew may be too strict for someone your age. When mine were 18 they could stay out till 11 on weekdays and 12 on weekends.

Of course a lot depends on the area you live in, where you go and the friends you hang out with. There's no need to rebel or fight with them. If they have a pretty good idea of what you do when you are out. they will probably relax a bit.

I'm old as rocks and I always let somebody know where I will be and who I'm with. I understand that younglings think that's restrictive but it is really just a common sense precaution because you never know.

Priss is right. You should sit them down and have an adult discussion with them. Let them know that you love and respect them and it is time for them to trust the values that they instilled in you and allow you some room to grow into adulthood.

Remember that they still want to be a part of your life because they love you. Remind them that as an adult you may not run to them with every little detail of your life anymore but you will surely seek them out when you need to. Another thing that was reassuring for me was meeting some of my kid's friends and knowing they were keeping company with decent people.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Find work and move out. Rent a room in an apt or a house with some friends or something. Time to establish and show them you can survive on your own. Start making your own rules. It's better that way. I wish I had gotten out of my house at 16 instead of 18.

Talk to them, throw your cards on the table; you're not longer that quiet boy you once was. If that doesn't work, kick their old asses.

prittypriss said:

So, don't fight it, just find a way to live with it and know that it's just that she always wants what is best for you."

Don't agree with this at all. Parents don't always know what is good for their children, a lot of times they react from their own old experiences.

Based on what the op said, the parents are way to protective. He's 18. Time for them to let him go.

3rdeyedude said:

Find work and move out. Rent a room in an apt or a house with some friends or something. Time to establish and show them you can survive on your own. Start making your own rules. It's better that way. I wish I had gotten out of my house at 16 instead of 18.

When I was in senior high I know friends back then that got kicked out at 16 years old by their parent(s)

nextedition said:

prittypriss said:

So, don't fight it, just find a way to live with it and know that it's just that she always wants what is best for you."

Don't agree with this at all. Parents don't always know what is good for their children, a lot of times they react from their own old experiences.

Based on what the op said, the parents are way to protective. He's 18. Time for them to let him go.

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You're right. I don't always know what is good for my kids and I have always told my son that he has to make his own choices, his own mistakes, in order to grow (that he has his own lessons in life to learn and my role as a parent is simply to give him the tools and try to guide him, to assist him through those lessons - and sometimes that means I do nothing because it is his lesson to learn and a part of that lesson may be to let it play out as he laid it out) and that I may not always agree with his choices but I will always support him (as a person) and respect his right to make that choice, even when I don't agree with those choices, because they are his to make. I told him that as a teenager and I still abide that with him as an adult. I still live by that today with him as a 30 year old man. I may not always agree with his choices, but I support him as a person, as my son, and am here for him, and even though I don't agree with a particular choice he's made I respect his right to make that choice. I never say, "I told you so".

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My over-protectiveness came in the form of wanting to know who he was hanging out with, meeting them, meeting their parents, giving him curfews when he was a teen and establishing rules for him to live by while he lived in my home. The hardest thing for me to do was when he was old enough to be on his own (18) was to stop seeing him as my little boy that still needed my protection and see him as the man he had become and to trust that I had given him enough tools to face the world-at-large and the problems he might come across.

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However, he didn't say I always knew what was best for them. He told them that I just always want what is best for them, which is true. I do want what is best for them. It doesn't mean I always KNOW what is best for them, which is why I do talk with them, discuss the choices they want to make, why they feel those choices are the right ones, and give suggestions if I think those choices are going to have consequences they may not have thought of. I still think the OPs parents DO want what is best for their son, but they may not always know what that right thing is, only the OP does. (Parenthood doesn't come with a guide book and parents make mistakes, too.) But that doesn't stop the parents from wanting what's best for their child. That is why I suggested he sit down with his parents, have a discussion with them and let them know that they gave him the tools he needed to get by in this world, and they have to trust in the tools they've given him, allow him to make his choices, and the learn the lessons he needs to learn.

Btw, my oldest son has always talked with me openly about what was going on in his life. He came to me when he was 15 and had used marijuana. He came to me when he was 19, scared, because a condem broke and the girl wanted to use the morning after pill, which he disagreed with and wanted my advice. He talked with me when he got a DUI at 21 years of age. He knew in those situations that I might be disappointed in his choices, but as he said, "I knew I could talk with you because you wouldn't judge me as a person, even if you were disappointed in what I did, and I knew you would listen." I'm not the perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination, but my son feels comfortable enough and safe enough with me that he's able to talk about even the poor choices he's made and knows that I still love him and respect him as an individual, and I can't ask for more than that from him. He knows I'll be there, even during the worst of times. I didn't have someone who had my back as a child, teen, adult; my mother died when I was 7 and my father put my sister and I into foster care. He died when I was 18. So, I've had to learn how to be a parent without any guidance of what a parent should be.

Luv4u thoughts are spot on.

To play devil's advocate...

"Nothing good happens after midnight." Your parents know this, especially in todays America. Fifteen to nineteen year olds can't drink go to bars or clubs legally... there's limited things to do. There ain't much out there for a mature adults to do, but get in some trouble. This is what a lot of parent's think.

Talk with your parents and see if you all can agree on a specific curfew time. Once you've agreed to a specific curfew, make sure you come in on time. If you are going to be late, call and tell them you are going to be late. In agreeing to the curfew, your parents should agree not to quiz you excessively when you've told them were your are going. Say somethin alongs these lines....

"You taught me right from wrong so please respect and trust that I'm able to make the right decisons when I'm away from home."

It wouldn't hurt to (if you already haven't) introduced your parents to your friends. When I saw introduce — not a wave at the door — have your friends over for pizza or something. The thing is, you're 18 going on 19, a young adult. If you feel your parents rules are too restrictive, its time to make plans to get your own place.

Good luck.

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[Edited 3/16/16 22:17pm]

I don’t have kids…made a lot of mistakes at 13-21…and saw a few friends pass away etc…

One thing I do know at a now 40summat…if your parents love you…be thankful…if they are people you respect and wish to emulate…be patient…and always try to maintain their trust - it is an awful thing to lose your parents trust.

There are plenty of idiots out there…look around you and see if you have the worst folks in the world?

Do they give you freedom to be educated?...encourage sports…literature…art…politics?

Do they have a good social life…get on with their own families?

Are they physically or mentally abusive towards you?

If the above is balanced…then as Luv4U said – you ain’t got it so bad and you do live under their roof.

And as PrittyPriss said…Good parents will love their children for immortality

And as EmmaG said…Be thankful for parents who are there and care for you.

If you are feeling properly restricted, then sit down, say that maybe you want to experiment on living away for a while – but agree to see them say twice a week…

If it works after 6mths, great…your bike can take the stabilisers off…if not…your old room is still there…

And then, you can have a more life advanced conversation…

But you can’t have it all – I realised when I thought I wanted children…my Parents, for all their faults, are just people trying to do their best…

They were never given a handbook on being Parents and probably felt the same as you when they were 18…they are not just your Mum&Dad…They too are people…

They have their own pressures no doubt and worry because they want to protect you…

They are trying to navigate through life – and want the best for you to not make some of their mistakes…

Sit down, write what you wish to say to them…then on another sheet of paper, think about your Parents at 18, 30,40 – their life stories…and what their concerns are….

Then on a third piece of paper…write I understand Mum/Dadyou feel like this…and I need this to progress…

Hopefully, this will give a framework for a productive conversation.

Good luck Brother!

214 said:

NorthC said:

214 said:

Talk to them, throw your cards on the table; you're not longer that quiet boy you once was. If that doesn't work, kick their old asses.

You know, this might actually be the best reply. Sometimes you just need to be a rebel! That's what teenagers do and Charisma's problem is that his parents aren't used to that because he used to be a good kid. So it's going to be a little tougher than usual, but yeah, you gotta let your folks know that, hey, I'm 18, I'm old enough to drive, I'm old enough to vote, I'm not a little boy anymore!

The simpler the better, ain't no other way.

^That works until the bill comes... no money, no independence...

You got a car...fine pay for the insurance, tax, gas.

You want to come and go as you please...fine pay rent.

Parents can be rebels to and kick yo ass to the curb...

You can talk to them about re-setting the limits to something more reasonable. And if that doesn't work, your other option is to leave home and live your own life. But you will not be free of their restrictions while you live in their home. Their natural instinct is to mother you, and that means they are trying to keep you safe. As many have pointed out, it's a thing to be grateful for, to have have parents that feel this way about you. But you may just need to get away from them to find out where to set your own limits.

If that is too scary to contemplate right now then, prepare to live under their rules for a while. Maybe while you save up enough money to get yourself out of there.

Connected said:

^That works until the bill comes... no money, no independence...

You got a car...fine pay for the insurance, tax, gas.

You want to come and go as you please...fine pay rent.

Parents can be rebels to and kick yo ass to the curb...

That's true.

Connected said:

^That works until the bill comes... no money, no independence...

You got a car...fine pay for the insurance, tax, gas.

You want to come and go as you please...fine pay rent.

Parents can be rebels to and kick yo ass to the curb...

And to top it off........ the OP prolly lives rent free, does not pay their own bills or pay some money to their parents to help with the bills............ and the OP prolly gets free meals and free laundry - you got it made - so why not get a job and pay some room and board money to contribute to you upkeep.

In the real world you have to be responsible and get a job, get a car, pay car insurance, pay your own bills, pay rent, buy groceries and do their own laundry at a laundromat.

Mom and dad cannot support your ass forever. Why should they pay and support another person who is considered an adult (depends where you live - age of majority).

You are going to get a rude awakening when you get kicked out or leave yourself, whichever came first. And yes, they can kick you out and throw your stuff out on the lawn too - you don't own that home nor did you pay for it.

^ It's a reality check when those bill come every 30 days.

TD3 said:

^ It's a reality check when those bill come every 30 days.

Yep

Connected said:

True NorthC – some rebellion is natural, to cultivate an independent personality, the OP is now 18.

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So, it depends on what type of rebellion – there is a lot of bad stuff out there

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As per my earlier post, at 18, an adult conversation may be of mutual benefit

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An understanding of his Parents lives – and pressures…and an insight into the Ops need to have independent experiences and growth

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It comes a bit down to the OP illustrating that they have an understanding of right/wrong…that their Parents are people too (with their own stuff going on)…that they can protect themselves

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If his Parents are loving/responsible…then at 18, it isn’t about fighting them…it is about sharing with them your needs to become more independent and learn about the world – safely/critically

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Perhaps a mediator/counsellor to sit with you both may be of benefit?

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I certainly had some of this with my Parents when there was a difficult/challenging time…and the objectivity helped.

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Good luck!

I'm just curious - isn't college anywhere on your agenda?

Balance is key.... I am a mom and I have a son who moved out at 24, right before he graduated college, and got married. He recently celebrated his 1st year of marriage and is very happy.


This was NOT easy for me.... I became a single mom at 19, and for 10 years after that, it was just me and him against the world and I gave up everything to parent him in a responsible way. So being very close to him, it was hard to see him break free so abruptly, but it was in the plan for him to move out a year after college, he jumped the gun a bit and I am glad for it.


Change is hard for most people, and your parents seem to be rigid, so introduce them with change WITH a PLAN of action, for your indpendence so they won't argue. College should be in those plans, or work, plan a trip you will pay for within a year, get out in the world and let them foster that. Tell them what your needs are, to meet people and see new things, to explore, and travel.... and to work. These are values any parent can learn to appreciate and help to encourage in their child.

To get out there, sell those ideas to them like you are selling a used car... in life you will find that you will get most things with a good sales pitch.

Good luck and Gods speed to you on your new endeavors.

[Edited 3/25/16 9:49am]

Can we get an update?

EmmaMcG said:

I wish I had parents like yours... I never knew my dad and in my house it was my mum who would be out half the night. My sister moved out when she was 17, so that left me (I was 15) and my brother, who was 10. I didn't have time for a proper social life and aside from my bf, I didn't have any real friends. So, whereas you might feel smothered, remember that it could be worse. You have two parents who care for you and yeah, from the sound of it, they're a little overprotective, but because of how my childhood was, I tend to be very overprotective of my daughter too. She's only a toddler so thankfully boyfriends and all that is something I won't have to think about for a long time, but I would rather her feel smothered by me than think I don't care about her. If I could give you some advice, it would be to sit down with your parents and tell them outright that while you appreciate that they have your best interests at heart, you are not a child anymore and you'd like to be treated as the grown up you are. Extending that curfew to 11 pm would be a good start.

Same feelings here.


However, because I don't know how it is like to have actua parents who care, I don't know how you feel.


The advice most people here offer you, seems pretty good. Sit down with your parents and explain to them how their rules make you feel. And don't forget to ask them about their fears. If you can talk to them about their fears, I'm sure you can come to an agreement that will give you some space and does not make them scare and worried.

Ask them what they are afraid of and what they need from you to prove to them that you are responsible enough to go out.