Kill that bitch. Well not, but if you you know where he lives or where he works, go to him and talk with him; face the man.

So sorry that you have to go through this. I think you are owed some answers and I understand why you blew up on FB. I'm glad you don't intend to keep doing it though.

Does your dad have other family members that you trust who could perhaps mediate on your behalf such as his parents or siblings? It would be good to have some moral support through these difficulties. The wife will probably keep trying to block you but she can't block everybody.



Best wishes and let us know how it goes.

This is truly an odd situation, I tell ya.

Here's the thing.....ask yourself what outcome you desire and what is the best method to accomplish that. If putting the wife on blast won't get you any closer to dad then that may not be the way to go.

On the other hand if your goal is to expose the situation, let the chips fall and then wash your hands of it then do what ya gotta do.

It all depends on what you feel needs to happen and the best way to get there.

Give it some thought....you could always do nothing for the time being and continue to monitor things from a distance.

This is very tough, and I am extremely sorry to hear the hurt you are going through Superfan1984

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I can only speak of my experience with my Father which has always been very strained due his self-destructive alcoholism

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It has basically made him drive everyone out of his life and he now live like a hermit

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For along time there was an immense amount of anger and frustration towards him, which was really unhealthy for my own well-being

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Over the years though, I have understood that he is who he is… and no amount of me cajoling him seeking answers to why he has squandered relationships with his ex-wife (my mum), his two sons, his brothers/sisters and friends

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So I have reconciled that I will learn how to not be that type of person and resolve to make my own version of the life I wish to lead

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There will always be some “sadness” in my heart that I never had a father who was “productive”, but the truth I guess is, he is a weak man who has not been able to step-up and be a better man

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It might take some time to get there Superfan1984…but be prepared that you may never get the answers you seek and be mindful of any expectations

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Only to “draw a line” under that relationship…no matter how sorrowful, and build your own beautiful picture, create your own family and your own loving environment

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Sorry to maybe be confusing for you here…but I would suggest that “confronting” him face-to-face initially may not be for the best format

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The reason I say this, is that it could end up being too emotional and that the meeting fails to allow you to express everything you wish…because it is too highly charged and it may even shock your Father, because he may perceive it to be an ambush

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Therefore, another option you could consider, is to firstly write him a letter…not overly aggressive/frustrated, but stating that you would like him to cease social media contact and that you have the following points you wish to discuss with him

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Send the letter “registered” (so you know he has received it) to his place of work, and so his wife cannot intercept it

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If he then tries to contact you, ignore him

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Then a week later, you can see him, as you suggest when he has left the house by himself…at least then, he won’t be in shock and will be prepared for the conversation you will be having

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Trust me, he will have had the letter in his mind, and would be thinking about it

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Have a copy of the letter with you and say, right let’s address the points I wish to make

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Hopefully this will open up the dialogue

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One warning though Superfan1984, please be prepared that you may not get the answers or outcome you want

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And that you have to accept that whilst he is your natural “Father”…he may not be your “Dad”

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Good luck, you seem like a lovely girl, and no matter what happens with him…you will make your own beautiful picture with people in it who care and love you

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Peace out Superfan1984…my wishes are with you!!!

Sorry this happened to you, Superfan, and that you're going through a difficult time with the recent developments. A few things came to mind, reading your posts, and I hope they'll be helpful as you try to get a sense of what you want and how to proceed.

I'm not sure you're going to find answers that would be satisfying enough to let you "put this to bed" (and, in truth, I don't think you'll ever put this to bed completely, so please don't beat yourself up that you 'should' be able to do that). But perhaps that's not entirely what you want anyway. I can imagine putting it to bed would feel quite devastating at this point, especially if you've kept alive even a glimmer of hope for all this time. I wondered if part of what you were asking us here was if that little bit of hope was warranted. And I think the truth is nobody knows. It sounds like both you and your father are doing things that seem to express a wish for some kind of relationship, or at least some kind of contact: he's "jabbing" at you on social media; and you're imagining getting into some kind of dialogue with him, even if that takes the form of an argument about the past - so maybe you're both deciding if you want that and if you can follow-through on that. It's certainly possible for two people in this kind of situation to begin to re-establish some kind of relationship, even if it's not possible to ever erase the past and go back to the way it was; and even if there's likely to be a good deal of (entirely justified) anger and resentment there to deal with in some way (and guilt and shame on his part, which he may seek to avoid facing).

What would make me a little worried is that, he's only offering you quite a weak form of relationship at the moment ('Facebook friends'), and it still seems to be secret from his wife - as was his phone call before. So, he may not have got to a place where he can assert himself regardless of her will, and may be sending out signals he's not ready to fully follow-up on, which makes it risky for you. And trying deal with half measures is surely going to be hard on you - perhaps more upsetting than no contact at all. It seems to me like, at the very least, he would need to be able to decide for himself that he wants to re-establish a relationship with you, and then follow-through with the consequences of that - or you might find yourself getting a little bit of contact (and hope), then another break-up, which is not fair on you.

I'd just say take very, very good care of yourself, however you decide to proceed. I wondered if maybe you might want to think about finding some kind of counsellor or therapist you could talk to about the situation now and as it unfolds, to help you get a clearer sense of what you want, and to allow you to air some of the conflict you must have in yourself over this. Might be helpful to have that space to just talk through some of this stuff, which is clearly very difficult emotionally - and understandably so.

[Edited 3/22/16 4:56am]

Superfan, one thing you have to understand is that his walking out on your family is your father's blame and shame to carry. This was a conscious choice he made. His reconnecting with you on FB could be his way of 1. reaching out, just to see how you are doing without taking that actual step of developing a real relationship with you (in essence, his way of keeping tabs on you and your life because he carries some of the shame and guilt for what he did) or 2. his way of showing you how he is doing if you were wondering.

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In situation number 1 - he may not be thinking about how the posts with his current wife / family effects you and the kind of impact it could have on you. He's just wanted to see how you were doing, how you turned out. This seems the most likely situation, because he hasn't made any further contact with you or any further attempt to deepen that connection. In situation number 2, he still may not be considering the impact of posting about his current family upon you. It's been a long time. Many years have passed. He could be thinking that surely you are curious about what happened to him and these mini-connections on FB are one way to do that without developing a a true relationship. This mini-connection on FB may be all that he can offer you and you have to decide whether it is a connection you want. You are old enough to make that choice. If you want this mini-connection with no other relationship with him, then unfollow him and just check on his page from time to time to see how he is. If you don't want this mini-connection, because it is too painful for you, then unfriend him, because he truly has not earned that relationship with you.

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You have to find some understanding within yourself that you may never get the answers to the questions you have. To be honest, he may not even know those answers himself. I have seen so many men (my oldest son among them with my first husband) try to gain their father's respect, when that father is not even deserving of their sons' respect. My first husband is emotionally abusive towards our son. Our son is now 30. All his life he tried to gain his father's respect, tried to get his father to say, "I'm proud of you son", and finally, now, my son has realized he will never have that respect. It is not in his father to be able to give that to him. I have a friend that went through the same thing with his dad, he wanted his dad's respect, wanted a true father/son relationship, but finally realized it was not something he would ever have. It was not because my son and my friend didn't try, it was because their fathers were not emtionally able, were not mature enough, to be able to give these men the respect they wanted. No matter what these 2 men did (my son and my friend) it was never good enough for their fathers. And unfortunately, this is just the way it is. You can spend a lifetime trying to earn something, trying to get answers, trying to develop a relationship, that will just never be there, because these fathers are emotionally stunted. It is on the fathers to earn that respect from their sons, to take that first step in developing the relationship, and not the other way around.

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My 2nd ex is a good man, and we have two children together. But in the last several months, since he's been dating and getting serious about the relationship, I've noticed that the children are taking a back seat to his relationship. For an example, I have them this year the day before Easter until 10 AM Easter morning. Every Easter, we've gone to his mother's home the night before so the kids could color Easter eggs with grandma. When the kids are with me, he's with his girlfriend. He'll be taking the kids to his mom's on Easter. I offered to let him take the kids on Saturday night so he could go down to his mom's the traditional night before so the kids could color eggs with grandma, so he could spend some time with his mom, so one tradition can continue for the kids. He informed me he would be picking them up at my place on Sunday at 10 AM, as we have it set up. The reason is because he doesn't want to give up that night with his girlfriend.

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Physical relationship and companionship with a woman is very important to him. It doesn't mean his kids aren't important to him, but he feels he needs this relationship to make him happy and just doesn't stop to think about what will make the kids happy. Kids grow up and move out, but hopefully a relationshipo will last beyond that empty nest. It makes me sad because I know how much the kids were looking forward to that night at grandma's, but if I mention it to him, he'll find some reason to turn it around and say I'm criticizing him. So, I have to let it go. One day, his kids may have some questions for him and to be honest, he won't have answers for them. All I can do is be the best mom I can be, and be there for them as much as possible. But I do see it possible, him marrying this woman and she eventually making him choose. And my ex would choose her but simply because he defines his happiness in terms of being a relationship. He defines himself through his relationships and without a relationship he has no idea who he is.

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As an example of this, I noticed that in every relationship he's been in, he's chosen his religion based upon the woman's religion and value she places upon the religion. With his first wife, she was Catholic, he was taking courses to convert to Catholicism. With his girlfriend, following his 1st wife, she was spiritual, so he studied new age spiritualism. A girl he met while with his girlfriend was into Native American religions, so he began studying Native American religions. With me, I follow Eastern teachings (Zen Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism) and he couldn't understand Zen or Hinduism, so he leaned toward Taoism and believed that was truly the religion for him. His current girlfriend is Christian, so he now attends church every Sunday with her and is a "devout Christian". He defines who he is based upon the woman he is with and without a relationship, he has no clue as to who he is, he feels lost.

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It's not that he doesn't love his children, he does, but it's that he is putting his happiness, his relationship, as a priority in his life and not realizing the impact it's having on his kids. He will say being a father is the greatest thing he's ever done in his life, but the kids are growing up (14 and 12) and no longer depend upon him as much, and so it's easy for him to allow them to take a backseat to his girlfriend.

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It's not on you to try to develop a relationship with your father, it's on your father to try to build that relatinship with you. It's not on you to have to seek the answers to the questions you have, it's on your father to give you those answers. If he doesn't take the initiative, will it really mean as much to you, to help you heal, as it would if he were to be the one to say, "Hey look, I really want to try to explain what happened..."? Just show him what an incredible person you turned out to be, how full your life has been without him, the happiness you've found in life without his influence. That is your greatest gift to your self. But if you have to have the answers, just know that in this he may dissapoint you and not be able to give you the answers you seek, because he may not even know himself.

[Edited 3/22/16 5:26am]

Super - you are beautiful!

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Forget your Father...

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You are making your life.

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I urge U not to have his weieght on your shoulders

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We make our own garden

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Peace x

You want to make cntacxt with your father and in the other hand, me, have got no interest in having a deeper relationship with mine; the idea of having a father-son realtionship sickens me; don't hate him but i don't need or feel like i want him in my life.

Superfan1984 said:

I wish I felt that way, 214, I think it would make this easier. For a long time I sort of felt that way- I felt like, "I don't want him if he doesn't want me" but I guess now that I'm older it's just hit me hard. :/

Shit happens, i hope that does not happen to me later on.

Superfan1984 said:

214- I hope you get some kind of closure on this as well. I think all kids (even if we are adults now) deserve closure on this and some sort of answer. We probably won't get it but we deserve it. I wish you the best and send you lots of love

Thanks, the same foryou.