I am asking because I don't know anyone who has had a relative cremated. This is a first for our family.

My brother died recently and I traveled home to arrange a memorial service. He was cremated as per his pre-arranged plan and being the only remaining next of kin I had them to ship the cremains to me when I returned home.

As I said, this is all new to me. Yesterday the package came and it is a little unsettling having your brother delivered to your house in a jar. It was a little easier at the service naturally because of being surrounded by people. Now it's just me and the jar.

My question is what is the norm for the disposition of cremains? Do people usually keep them at home? They have something called a columbarium where you can get a niche for $1000 and up, which was quite a shock to me to basically place the urn on a shelf in a room!

One idea I liked was a bio-urn that you can bury with seeds and grow a tree. If I could find a place to plant the tree I may consider that.

If anybody has an urn of cremains I'd appreciate your thoughts and suggestions if you don't mind.

Oh wow so sorry. The same thing happened to me. My sister died in 2008 and her ashes were shipped from Detroit to Hawaii. We still have her urn with us. My mom wants the Urn to put her casket when she dies. Once again babynoz so sorry to hear about your brother

i want this...

condolences for yo loss.

this is cool...

in thinkin on the subject...

this could create an extra trauma

IF someone should steal or break it...

but havin a vase that one can keep

flowers in is a wonderfull way to keep

good memories alive

babynoz said:

I am asking because I don't know anyone who has had a relative cremated. This is a first for our family.

My brother died recently and I traveled home to arrange a memorial service. He was cremated as per his pre-arranged plan and being the only remaining next of kin I had them to ship the cremains to me when I returned home.

As I said, this is all new to me. Yesterday the package came and it is a little unsettling having your brother delivered to your house in a jar. It was a little easier at the service naturally because of being surrounded by people. Now it's just me and the jar.

My question is what is the norm for the disposition of cremains? Do people usually keep them at home? They have something called a columbarium where you can get a niche for $1000 and up, which was quite a shock to me to basically place the urn on a shelf in a room!

One idea I liked was a bio-urn that you can bury with seeds and grow a tree. If I could find a place to plant the tree I may consider that.

If anybody has an urn of cremains I'd appreciate your thoughts and suggestions if you don't mind.

Sorry for your loss. I do like the idea of the bio urn though and the growing of a tree it gives your love one a new form and it contributes back to the earth

KingBAD said:

i want this...

condolences for yo loss.

this is cool...

You really want this done to your remains? It seems like they only use a "small bit" of you in the process

Thanks so much for the kind words everyone. I like those glass memorials that King Bad posted. I wonder how many pieces they'd have to make to use all of the ashes?

These urns are bigger and heavier than I expected. There are a lot of ashes.

so very sorry for your loss babynoz.

i hope whatever you decide will be of comfort to you.

(when my brother passed we spread some of his ashes over a hill top where he used to like to go to. we felt he would have appreciated the gesture.)

I'm sorry for your lose...

When my dad passed, we sprinkled half of his ashes in my front yard. We purchased a small beautiful urn; the other half of our father's ashes are with my brother.

condolences. i think a tree memorial is lovely

Some people eat that shit, yes it sounds a little weird, but it's for real.

214 said:

Some people eat that shit, yes it sounds a little weird, but it's for real.

Well I hope that's not your suggestion. This is a serious thread.

nursev said:

KingBAD said:

i want this...

condolences for yo loss.

this is cool...

You really want this done to your remains? It seems like they only use a "small bit" of you in the process

i was lookin for the vid i had seen

but these (this) give the genral idea behind it...

My deepest condolences, I am sorry for your loss. My cousin was cremated, and his ashes were sent to Puerto Rico in the family's mausoleum and placed there.

My friend's husband died... his wife divided the ashes and had some placed in tiny viles, pendants for chains or bracelets to be worn by his daughters, and wife, mother, brothers..etc. They are stainless steel viles and I see many widows wearing them here, then the main ashes are either buried or scattered or diplayed on a mantle.

Just another idea... I myself like the bio tree thing that Nurse mentioned.

Thanks again for the condolences and helpful suggestions. I truly had no clue what most people do with urns.

I think I'll be looking into the bio urn when I locate a place to grow the tree. I believe my brother would have liked that.

Hi Babynoz

I am very sorry for your loss.

Cremation is virtually the norm in England and usually the crematorium has a garden of rememberance where the ashes can be scattered.

When my cousin died some of his ashes were scattered/interred at the Manchester United football ground and I've heard of companies that can make diamonds from some of the ashes so the family can keep their loved ones close.

As for me, I've asked my kids to have my ashes made into fireworks - I don't want them to feel they have a duty of care to look after my remains.

babynoz said:

Thanks again for the condolences and helpful suggestions. I truly had no clue what most people do with urns.

I think I'll be looking into the bio urn when I locate a place to grow the tree. I believe my brother would have liked that.

I think this is a good suggestion. You can even bury the urn if you like.

babynoz said:

214 said:

Some people eat that shit, yes it sounds a little weird, but it's for real.

Well I hope that's not your suggestion. This is a serious thread.

No, it's not.

babynoz said:

214 said:

Some people eat that shit, yes it sounds a little weird, but it's for real.

Well I hope that's not your suggestion. This is a serious thread.

^my condolences to you, your family and all connected to your Brother.

In my culture, we cremate.

We believe that we are one with the earth....so we find an appropriate place...usually a river/lake and spread the ashes on a beautiful day...

Some do then plant a tree - as a place to pay respects in years to come

Then we go for lunch and celebrate!

If you choose to spread the ashes - please make sure to do so down wind.

Peace out BabyNoz

kpowers said:

All hugs appreciated.

Connected said:

^my condolences to you, your family and all connected to your Brother.

In my culture, we cremate.

We believe that we are one with the earth....so we find an appropriate place...usually a river/lake and spread the ashes on a beautiful day...

Some do then plant a tree - as a place to pay respects in years to come

Then we go for lunch and celebrate!

If you choose to spread the ashes - please make sure to do so down wind.

Peace out BabyNoz

Thank you. Being one with the earth is a good way to think of it.

HoneyB said:

Hi Babynoz

I am very sorry for your loss.

Cremation is virtually the norm in England and usually the crematorium has a garden of rememberance where the ashes can be scattered.

When my cousin died some of his ashes were scattered/interred at the Manchester United football ground and I've heard of companies that can make diamonds from some of the ashes so the family can keep their loved ones close.

As for me, I've asked my kids to have my ashes made into fireworks - I don't want them to feel they have a duty of care to look after my remains.

Fireworks, wow! I wonder how many fireworks a person can become?

NinaB said:

Thank you Nina,

babynoz said:

NinaB said:

Sorry for your loss, lovely. My dad just died in November and was also cremated, and my mum, my sister and I haven't really confronted what to do with the ashes yet either. As I've been reading recently, it's very common for ashes, once retrieved, to sit in people's homes (sometimes on top of the wardrobe, under the bed, in the garage, etc), as there aren't really any set norms about what to do yet in the culture, and people tend not to want to 'let go' if they can avoid it. (For me, there's a bit of a fear that when we finally do it, it will be like having a second funeral.) I mention that as a kind of reassurance that what you're going through now (feeling strange about having the jar of ashes with you in the house; wondering about what's the most appropriate thing to do with them now, in the absence of a well-worn cultural 'script' for what happens next) seems itself to be precisely what people do in this situation nowadays; and as a reassurance that whatever you decide to do, having reflected on what you feel would be best, will be the right way to honour your brother.

For me, I think I would prefer to take the ashes to be scattered or buried somewhere - if I'm honest, I think buried, as scattering is a bit much for me - rather than keeping all or some in the house permanently or having them made into a glass ornament that stays on the shelf. I think it would be good to be able to physically go somewhere (maybe a memorial garden or somewhere natural life is carrying on, and there's all the beauty of that), and allow myself the space to be with my memories of him and 'talk to' him; but for that to be a separate space that I can then come away from and return to my normal life - though I can go back whenever I feel I need to. I'm new to this, but I can see some wisdom in what people say about enabling and allowing oneself to 'let go'; and that makes it seem to me that what may be best to try to hold onto is not some physical presence, but the memories and the inherited qualities that are forever inscribed in one's heart. Others may feel differently, but I voice that in the hope it will help you feel a stronger sense of what sits best with you, even if by contrast.

From what you've said, I think the tree idea sounds really lovely, and, as you say above, it chimes with an idea of being one with the earth - which, it seems to me, by extension, speaks to the idea that we're forever connected with those we've lost via our relations with other living things, which seems a nice way to think about it. That sense of something that symbolises life continuing and something new and beautiful growing also seems like something I'd like. One thing that also came up when my family briefly discussed it is making sure there's some kind of plaque that has my dad's name and what he would have liked to be known to people as on it - like a headstone would have - rather than just the garden (or tree) itself. That seemed important to me, and it may be something you'd like to have too. As I say, though: don't stress. Whatever feels right to you will be right.

[Edited 3/17/16 6:44am]