NinaB said:

Hugs to you too deebee

Thanks Nina. I appreciate that.

My condolences.

My ex's dad passed away last year and he was cremated.

They are planning to go to Puerto Rico and spread his ashes there.

deebee said:

Sorry for your loss, lovely. My dad just died in November and was also cremated, and my mum, my sister and I haven't really confronted what to do with the ashes yet either. As I've been reading recently, it's very common for ashes, once retrieved, to sit in people's homes (sometimes on top of the wardrobe, under the bed, in the garage, etc), as there aren't really any set norms about what to do yet in the culture, and people tend not to want to 'let go' if they can avoid it. (For me, there's a bit of a fear that when we finally do it, it will be like having a second funeral.) I mention that as a kind of reassurance that what you're going through now (feeling strange about having the jar of ashes with you in the house; wondering about what's the most appropriate thing to do with them now, in the absence of a well-worn cultural 'script' for what happens next) seems itself to be precisely what people do in this situation nowadays; and as a reassurance that whatever you decide to do, having reflected on what you feel would be best, will be the right way to honour your brother.

For me, I think I would prefer to take the ashes to be scattered or buried somewhere - if I'm honest, I think buried, as scattering is a bit much for me - rather than keeping all or some in the house permanently or having them made into a glass ornament that stays on the shelf. I think it would be good to be able to physically go somewhere (maybe a memorial garden or somewhere natural life is carrying on, and there's all the beauty of that), and allow myself the space to be with my memories of him and 'talk to' him; but for that to be a separate space that I can then come away from and return to my normal life - though I can go back whenever I feel I need to. I'm new to this, but I can see some wisdom in what people say about enabling and allowing oneself to 'let go'; and that makes it seem to me that what may be best to try to hold onto is not some physical presence, but the memories and the inherited qualities that are forever inscribed in one's heart. Others may feel differently, but I voice that in the hope it will help you feel a stronger sense of what sits best with you, even if by contrast.

From what you've said, I think the tree idea sounds really lovely, and, as you say above, it chimes with an idea of being one with the earth - which, it seems to me, by extension, speaks to the idea that we're forever connected with those we've lost via our relations with other living things, which seems a nice way to think about it. That sense of something that symbolises life continuing and something new and beautiful growing also seems like something I'd like. One thing that also came up when my family briefly discussed it is making sure there's some kind of plaque that has my dad's name and what he would have liked to be known to people as on it - like a headstone would have - rather than just the garden (or tree) itself. That seemed important to me, and it may be something you'd like to have too. As I say, though: don't stress. Whatever feels right to you will be right.

[Edited 3/17/16 6:44am]

Thanks so much for your thoughts and my deepest sympathy for your loss.

As I read your reply I was thinking about the tree again and how nice it would be to have some birds making a home there. That thought gave me a good feeling.

deebee said:

It's sooo painful. Terry my 6 yo golden retriever died in april 13 2015, hurts so much specially when you know that everyday when you get back home, you won't never see him again waiting at the door for you.

babynoz said:

deebee said:

Sorry for your loss, lovely. My dad just died in November and was also cremated, and my mum, my sister and I haven't really confronted what to do with the ashes yet either. As I've been reading recently, it's very common for ashes, once retrieved, to sit in people's homes (sometimes on top of the wardrobe, under the bed, in the garage, etc), as there aren't really any set norms about what to do yet in the culture, and people tend not to want to 'let go' if they can avoid it. (For me, there's a bit of a fear that when we finally do it, it will be like having a second funeral.) I mention that as a kind of reassurance that what you're going through now (feeling strange about having the jar of ashes with you in the house; wondering about what's the most appropriate thing to do with them now, in the absence of a well-worn cultural 'script' for what happens next) seems itself to be precisely what people do in this situation nowadays; and as a reassurance that whatever you decide to do, having reflected on what you feel would be best, will be the right way to honour your brother.

For me, I think I would prefer to take the ashes to be scattered or buried somewhere - if I'm honest, I think buried, as scattering is a bit much for me - rather than keeping all or some in the house permanently or having them made into a glass ornament that stays on the shelf. I think it would be good to be able to physically go somewhere (maybe a memorial garden or somewhere natural life is carrying on, and there's all the beauty of that), and allow myself the space to be with my memories of him and 'talk to' him; but for that to be a separate space that I can then come away from and return to my normal life - though I can go back whenever I feel I need to. I'm new to this, but I can see some wisdom in what people say about enabling and allowing oneself to 'let go'; and that makes it seem to me that what may be best to try to hold onto is not some physical presence, but the memories and the inherited qualities that are forever inscribed in one's heart. Others may feel differently, but I voice that in the hope it will help you feel a stronger sense of what sits best with you, even if by contrast.

From what you've said, I think the tree idea sounds really lovely, and, as you say above, it chimes with an idea of being one with the earth - which, it seems to me, by extension, speaks to the idea that we're forever connected with those we've lost via our relations with other living things, which seems a nice way to think about it. That sense of something that symbolises life continuing and something new and beautiful growing also seems like something I'd like. One thing that also came up when my family briefly discussed it is making sure there's some kind of plaque that has my dad's name and what he would have liked to be known to people as on it - like a headstone would have - rather than just the garden (or tree) itself. That seemed important to me, and it may be something you'd like to have too. As I say, though: don't stress. Whatever feels right to you will be right.

[Edited 3/17/16 6:44am]

Thanks so much for your thoughts and my deepest sympathy for your loss.

As I read your reply I was thinking about the tree again and how nice it would be to have some birds making a home there. That thought gave me a good feeling.

Yes, that's a lovely thought.