damosuzuki said:

sexton said:

Indeed, Age of Ultron was not great, but I enjoy all of Joss Whedon's efforts to some degree. I'm currently revisiting his Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series which is excellent. Once the mythos is established in season two, it really takes off until the very end.

As for Tarkovsky, I remember The Mirror ranking above Stalker on the last Sight and Sound movie poll so you're not alone in your opinion of the two films apparently.

ah, i think i butchered my analogy there. i was trying to say that stalker was (relatively) simple and comprehensible compared to the mirror, not that i thought one was better than the other! I wouldn't even want to attempt rating them, or saying one ought to be slotted over the other....only that stalker is structured more conventionally than the mirror (which isn't to say that stalker is the least bit conventional).

I see now. I haven't watched Stalker yet, but it's nice to know it's downhill from the Mirror in terms of density, hah.

[Edited 4/2/16 21:48pm]

Life is finally slowing down a little, and I got to watch a real movie this morning. There were several films available on demand, so what did I choose?

SCOUT'S GUIDE TO THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!

Yes, that is a REAL movie!

It's about........Boy Scouts vs. Zombies, of course! But it starts out like EVERY zombie movie starts - in the lab, showing us how the zombies were created. In the case of this Shakespearian masterpiece, we don't really get the actual beginning. What we get is that dude with all the hair from the "Workaholics" TV show playing a janitor at a lab. I'm like, "Great! I like Hair Dude and his slacker TV show! I'm glad he's in this movie!" Hair Dude is mopping up, and there's one guy still working. The lab guy goes to get some potato chips from the vending machine (a major plot point), and Hair Dude starts cutting up in the lab. Then he sees a tented area and says "WTF?!?" Which means, of course, that he has to investigate.

Inside the tent is a dude in a hospital bed, hooked up to some machines. He has a tag on his wrist that says "D.O.D." so Hair Dude thinks his name is Dod. "Hey Dod, what happened to you?" he asks and then Dod's wrist flutters and that makes Hair Dude recoil, smashing into various machines. All the while, the lab guy is having trouble getting the vending machine to take his (only) dollar.

For some reason Hair Dude's stumble makes Dod's heart stop beating, so Hair Dude tries CPR but Dod's mouth is all zombiefied so Hair Dude sticks to chest compressions. However, in this movie zombies' skin has turned into porcelain so Hair Dude breaks through Dod's chest, which wakes Dod up. Dod eats Hair Dude, turning him into a zombie. Meanwhile, the lab guy has finally got the machine to take his dollar.

But wait! He chooses potato chips and they get stuck in the glass. Oh no! He's trying to get the chips but his arm gets stuck. Double oh no! Because coming behind him is Zombie Hair Dude. Triple oh no! Hair Dude eats the lab guy but unfortunately, that's the last we see of Hair Dude.

Don't get sad though, because now it's time for T&A! (This is a good time to let you know this movie is rated R.)

Our intrepid scouts are going camping but they hit a deer. It turns out it was a Zombie Deer but it runs away instead of eating the scouts. One scout has a crush on the sister of another scout. She's hot, but she's dating a real scuzzball (played by Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son Patrick). The scouts go to a convenience store and try to get a derelict to buy them some beer but he tries to buy them Pixie Stix instead. A stripper..........errrrrrrrrrrr, a cocktail waitress with a heart of gold rescues their $20, buys them two six-packs, and tells them to take it easy.

The scouts somehow got invited to the Secret Senior Party but instead, they have to go camping because one scout is getting his Condor Award. The other two make plans to sneak out after Condor Scout and the Scoutmaster fall asleep. The Scoutmaster is played by that dude you see playing scuzzballs in shows like "The Office". You know you love him but you never know his name. Well, neither do I. It's David Koechnar or something like that. Anyway, he encounters the Zombie Deer on the way to set up the campground and the Zombie Deer eats him, turning him into a Zombie Scoutmaster.

To make a long story short, all three scouts head out to the Secret Senior Party but the town is deserted. Which means the door to the strip club is unguarded so - party on! Inside, they get a pole dance from a Zombie Stripper, who then tries to eat them. But the day is saved when the cocktail waitress shows up with a gun and kills various Zombie Strippers, as well as the Zombie Bouncer.

Thus begins a series of adventures that includes:

1. Naked Zombie Strippers
2. Zombie Cats
3. A Zombie Cat Lady (played by Cloris Leachman, more on this in a minute)
4. The Zombie Cop, a female with a gigantic rack ("They're not real" says one scout after grabbing some boob)
4. Zombies eating a hipster DJ (so, so, soooooo satisfying. This should be the fate of all DJs)
5. A girl becoming a zombie via cunnilingus (nope, I'm not kidding!)
7. David Koechnar getting immolated, beheaded, and pooped on by a bird (none of this kills him)

Let me expand upon Zombie Cloris Leachman. This scene is AWESOME. She plays a real witch, and attacks the boys when they go to the home of the scout that lives next door to her. She HATES this scout so she is more than happy to eat him and Zombify him. One problem though, during their fight, the scout knocks out her false teeth.

This does not register on Zombie Cloris Leachman, even when she gets the scout face down on his belly, with his pants pulled off. She buries her face in his bum, whereupon the scout screams.

"Help! Help! She's gumming my ass!!!!!!!" Line of the Year!

The good guys win, the bad guys lose, but only one scout gets hooked up in the end. He wins a different kind of badge from the Condor badge.

I enjoyed this movie. It's funny, it has people in it that will make you say, "Hey, it's that guy!" and you don't have to think when you watch it. (Thinking while watching this movie would lead to bad questions, like "How come some zombies can move like athletes but others can only slide one foot at a time?" and "Why does the cocktail waitress have a gun tattooed behind her ear? Is it real?")

I give it 3.5 Beheaded Zombie DJs out of 5 Beheaded Zombie DJs.

.

[Edited 4/3/16 13:52pm]

RodeoSchro said:

Life is finally slowing down a little, and I got to watch a real movie this morning. There were several films available on demand, so what did I choose?

SCOUT'S GUIDE TO THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!

Yes, that is a REAL movie!

It's about........Boy Scouts vs. Zombies, of course! But it starts out like EVERY zombie movie starts - in the lab, showing us how the zombies were created. In the case of this Shakespearian masterpiece, we don't really get the actual beginning. What we get is that dude with all the hair from the "Workaholics" TV show playing a janitor at a lab. I'm like, "Great! I like Hair Dude and his slacker TV show! I'm glad he's in this movie!" Hair Dude is mopping up, and there's one guy still working. The lab guy goes to get some potato chips from the vending machine (a major plot point), and Hair Dude starts cutting up in the lab. Then he sees a tented area and says "WTF?!?" Which means, of course, that he has to investigate.

Inside the tent is a dude in a hospital bed, hooked up to some machines. He has a tag on his wrist that says "D.O.D." so Hair Dude thinks his name is Dod. "Hey Dod, what happened to you?" he asks and then Dod's wrist flutters and that makes Hair Dude recoil, smashing into various machines. All the while, the lab guy is having trouble getting the vending machine to take his (only) dollar.

For some reason Hair Dude's stumble makes Dod's heart stop beating, so Hair Dude tries CPR but Dod's mouth is all zombiefied so Hair Dude sticks to chest compressions. However, in this movie zombies' skin has turned into porcelain so Hair Dude breaks through Dod's chest, which wakes Dod up. Dod eats Hair Dude, turning him into a zombie. Meanwhile, the lab guy has finally got the machine to take his dollar.

But wait! He chooses potato chips and they get stuck in the glass. Oh no! He's trying to get the chips but his arm gets stuck. Double oh no! Because coming behind him is Zombie Hair Dude. Triple oh no! Hair Dude eats the lab guy but unfortunately, that's the last we see of Hair Dude.

Don't get sad though, because now it's time for T&A! (This is a good time to let you know this movie is rated R.)

Our intrepid scouts are going camping but they hit a deer. It turns out it was a Zombie Deer but it runs away instead of eating the scouts. One scout has a crush on the sister of another scout. She's hot, but she's dating a real scuzzball (played by Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son Patrick). The scouts go to a convenience store and try to get a derelict to buy them some beer but he tries to buy them Pixie Stix instead. A stripper..........errrrrrrrrrrr, a cocktail waitress with a heart of gold rescues their $20, buys them two six-packs, and tells them to take it easy.

The scouts somehow got invited to the Secret Senior Party but instead, they have to go camping because one scout is getting his Condor Award. The other two make plans to sneak out after Condor Scout and the Scoutmaster fall asleep. The Scoutmaster is played by that dude you see playing scuzzballs in shows like "The Office". You know you love him but you never know his name. Well, neither do I. It's David Koechnar or something like that. Anyway, he encounters the Zombie Deer on the way to set up the campground and the Zombie Deer eats him, turning him into a Zombie Scoutmaster.

To make a long story short, all three scouts head out to the Secret Senior Party but the town is deserted. Which means the door to the strip club is unguarded so - party on! Inside, they get a pole dance from a Zombie Stripper, who then tries to eat them. But the day is saved when the cocktail waitress shows up with a gun and kills various Zombie Strippers, as well as the Zombie Bouncer.

Thus begins a series of adventures that includes:

1. Naked Zombie Strippers
2. Zombie Cats
3. A Zombie Cat Lady (played by Cloris Leachman, more on this in a minute)
4. The Zombie Cop, a female with a gigantic rack ("They're not real" says one scout after grabbing some boob)
4. Zombies eating a hipster DJ (so, so, soooooo satisfying. This should be the fate of all DJs)
5. A girl becoming a zombie via cunnilingus (nope, I'm not kidding!)
7. David Koechnar getting immolated, beheaded, and pooped on by a bird (none of this kills him)

Let me expand upon Zombie Cloris Leachman. This scene is AWESOME. She plays a real witch, and attacks the boys when they go to the home of the scout that lives next door to her. She HATES this scout so she is more than happy to eat him and Zombify him. One problem though, during their fight, the scout knocks out her false teeth.

This does not register on Zombie Cloris Leachman, even when she gets the scout face down on his belly, with his pants pulled off. She buries her face in his bum, whereupon the scout screams.

"Help! Help! She's gumming my ass!!!!!!!" Line of the Year!

The good guys win, the bad guys lose, but only one scout gets hooked up in the end. He wins a different kind of badge from the Condor badge.

I enjoyed this movie. It's funny, it has people in it that will make you say, "Hey, it's that guy!" and you don't have to think when you watch it. (Thinking while watching this movie would lead to bad questions, like "How come some zombies can move like athletes but others can only slide one foot at a time?" and "Why does the cocktail waitress have a gun tattooed behind her ear? Is it real?")

I give it 3.5 Beheaded Zombie DJs out of 5 Beheaded Zombie DJs.

Saw this when it first came out (1989). Remains one of my favorite films.

Not perfect - some of the edits betray minor continuity issues and a few supporting roles are cartoony (e.g. James Remar's police detective), but it's moving and stylish.

The four leads (Dillon, Lynch, James Le Gros, Heather Graham) and Max Perlich are all very good. I would say this is Dillon's best role.

[Edited 4/3/16 17:25pm]

Double-post.

[Edited 4/3/16 17:25pm]

Just so you know:

[img:$uid]http://i0.wp.com/bitcast-a-sm.bitgravity.com/slashfilm/wp/wp-content/images/Sharknado-The-4th-Awakens.jpg[/img:$uid]

Mr. Holmes 3.5/5 Loved McKellen's take on the character, without any psychological issues of anykind, beyond those that come with growing old. I was disappointed it wasn't about Sherlock solving some mystery, I guess he solved a personal mystery though. No Watson, or Mycroft. It was a bit slow, but worth the effort. Charming. Beautiful scenery. I don't know if that was Ireland or England but I'd love to see it.

[Edited 4/4/16 12:38pm]

Star Wars: The Force Awakens 6.5 / 10

Deadpool 8 / 10

My curiosity got the better of me, so i went to see the big batman v superman movie last night. I'd seen all the reviews (you could argue that my well had been poisoned), and most of them seem to be right to me. It all felt incoherent, really dull and amazingly static (for a big comic book movie, very little seemed to happen), and I was left bored and exhausted. 2/5

Star Wars: The Force Awakens- Overrated film not bad but not great in any sense 2.5/5

Jeanne Dielman, 23, quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles (1975) - A lonely widowed housewife does her daily chores, takes care of her apartment where she lives with her teenage son, and turns the occasional trick to make ends meet. However, something happens that changes her safe routine.

I attended a restoration screening this month--a brilliant art film that builds to the last ten minutes. It may be better after the first viewing because knowing how it ends makes the clues more apparent throughout the movie which predict the finale. 4.5/5

The Last Witch Hunter 2.9/5 Not great but fair, I didn't have to struggle to get to the end, but I could see it's flaws. Found it amusing still. Not really an action Vin movie, Woods seemed a bit out of place but (You know nothing Jon Snow (or) Yes, Mrs. Patmore) 'Chloe' helped it in my opinion.

damosuzuki said:

My curiosity got the better of me, so i went to see the big batman v superman movie last night. I'd seen all the reviews (you could argue that my well had been poisoned), and most of them seem to be right to me. It all felt incoherent, really dull and amazingly static (for a big comic book movie, very little seemed to happen), and I was left bored and exhausted. 2/5

I just watched this the other day as well. It looked very slick, but the script was a mess. 2.5/5

sexton said:

damosuzuki said:

My curiosity got the better of me, so i went to see the big batman v superman movie last night. I'd seen all the reviews (you could argue that my well had been poisoned), and most of them seem to be right to me. It all felt incoherent, really dull and amazingly static (for a big comic book movie, very little seemed to happen), and I was left bored and exhausted. 2/5

I just watched this the other day as well. It looked very slick, but the script was a mess. 2.5/5

I will say (and this might slightly contradict what i said above), while i absolutely think this is a bad movie, i think it's bad in an entertaining way. not that it was fun to watch - i was pretty bored through most of it - but that it's fun to talk about and to think about why it's so bad. for the first time in i don't know how long, i've actually gone through message boards & reviews to see all the reasons why people picked this thing apart.

.

it slightly reminds me of how i reacted to prometheus, which was another movie that I thought was truly bad, but that i have gone back to watch a few times...i find it so preposterous & stupid, yet it never fails to tickle me a little. not to say that i see myself going back to bvs in the same way, but i've had the same kind of enjoyment in thinking about all the reasons why i dislike it so much.

.

i just finished watching room. i don't know if middle-age is making me soft or what, but i cried practically all the way through this thing. guess i'm a wimp! 5/5.

[Edited 4/14/16 17:40pm]

SteelPulse1 said:

Wit starring Emma Thompson. Oh fuck it was tough to watch I admit I cried a lot. Cancer sucks. It hit home plus it made me think of Gilda Radners book Its Always Something. Good movie but sad.

Oh my goodness, that was an excellent movie but it was hell to watch. Emma Thompson has always been one of my favorites.

damosuzuki said:

sexton said:

I just watched this the other day as well. It looked very slick, but the script was a mess. 2.5/5

I will say (and this might slightly contradict what i said above), while i absolutely think this is a bad movie, i think it's bad in an entertaining way. not that it was fun to watch - i was pretty bored through most of it - but that it's fun to talk about and to think about why it's so bad. for the first time in i don't know how long, i've actually gone through message boards & reviews to see all the reasons why people picked this thing apart.

.

it slightly reminds me of how i reacted to prometheus, which was another movie that I thought was truly bad, but that i have gone back to watch a few times...i find it so preposterous & stupid, yet it never fails to tickle me a little. not to say that i see myself going back to bvs in the same way, but i've had the same kind of enjoyment in thinking about all the reasons why i dislike it so much.

.

i just finished watching room. i don't know if middle-age is making me soft or what, but i cried practically all the way through this thing. guess i'm a wimp! 5/5.

[Edited 4/14/16 17:40pm]

Room is great. It made my Top 2015 list which I posted in that film year in review thread.

1. Clouds of Sils Maria
2. Spotlight

3. Ex Machina
4. The Revenant

5. Victoria

6. Brooklyn

7. The Duke of Burgundy
8. Youth

9. Room

10. 45 Years

11. Anomalisa

12. Far From the Madding Crowd

13. The Martian

14. Amy

15. The Assassin

Divergent 2.5/5 I really thought there was more to it, but to me, there really isn't anything. But I'll forge on ahead into the second one.

Very good. The ending is Americanised. So, it does not add up in line with the personalities of the characters. It's a good allround movie. Recommend it.

The Danish Girl. Even though is far from the real story is a great film specially for the great performances from the two main characters. 4/5

Pokeno4Money said:

I don't usually do foreign films, but this one was well worth the subtitles.

I can see why it won so many awards, 5 out of 5 stars

Yes, a wonderful film. Gut renching at the end.

Twin Falls Idaho 5 stars out of 5

Indentical twins Mark Polish and Michael Polish play cojoined twins. The rig they made to make them look like a 3 legged man with two heads is totally great. And it's a great love story, with Michele Hicks making her film debut.

Welcome to an exciting installment of Movies I Watched A Little Of Here and There, But Finally Saw The End Of It this Afternoon! Today’s installment features the Marky Mark star vehicle, “Rock Star”.

I honestly wouldn’t be able to tell you what this movie was about, except I hit “Info” on the remote and it said something like “Marky Mark unexpectedly gets fired from his tribute band job then unexpectedly gets hired to be the singer of the band that his tribute band was tributing, or something like that. Plus, they unexpectedly threw in Jennifer Aniston with no real justification as she doesn’t talk dirty in this movie. But the only real reason to watch this is that Marky Mark unexpectedly but very coolly drives a Batmobile!”

OK, that’s not exactly what the “Info” said but that’s what it should say!

I don’t remember watching much of this movie the first time I saw part of it. I think I saw the part where Marky Mark auditioned for the band, and the guy he was replacing was gay and bald. It was unclear why that guy was getting the boot but if I know my rock and roll, it was probably because he had gone bald and didn’t want to wear a wig any more. (If that didn’t really happen in this movie, then I must be thinking of some other movie.)

However, Marky Mark has no problem wearing a wig. Apparently, from my observation, neither did anyone else in the fake band, whose name is “Steel Dragon”. Man, if everyone but the British manager wasn’t wearing a wig, then I don’t know male pattern baldness. (NOTE: Like all males, I know everything about male pattern baldness because I want to know immediately if I need to activate a Rogaine program. Time is hair, people! Every guy is exactly like me and if any guy tells you different, he is lying.)

It’s worth noting that in the pantheon of wig-wearing stars of rock movies, I don’t believe any fake rock star ever wore a wig better than Michael McKeon in “This is Spinal Tap”. No one in “Rock Star” approaches a McKeon-esque level of fake flowing locks – least of which Marky Mark. His wig is bad.





vs.

So I guess Marky Mark gets the job, and for some reason that surely makes no sense, falls in love with Jennifer Aniston. Who knows why? Not me. Two years ago all I saw was the part where Marky Mark made the band and then when I picked this film up again this afternoon, there was Jennifer Aniston with her patented weepy-eyed white girl persona. I see Jennifer Aniston’s career only on bookends. To me, she was hot and awesome in “Leprechaun” and also that sketch comedy show she was on back in the 80’s. Then, she was hot and awesome in “Horrible Bosses” but really only because of the dirty talk. So those are the bookends. Everything else she’s done in between the bookends is forgettable. Oh! – except for that one episode of “Friends’ where Ross whines about something, Joey says something stupid, Phoebe does something stupid, and Aniston calls everyone “honey”. She was great in that episode.

So – and this is a cool scene – Marky Mark is saying goodbye to Aniston and that he’ll see her in Seattle. She leaves the….ummmm, it was either an airport or a hospital. Or perhaps some sort of cool airport/hospital combination that they probably have all over Europe (and that I bet we will have here if we elect Bernie Sanders). Because right after she leaves, Marky Mark walks 10 feet to where the band’s British manager is getting a blood transfusion. Because “me liver doesn’t work as well as it used to. Now, light my cigarette!”

At this point you’re probably thinking like me – “Man, this is stupid. Is there a good reason why I should invest any more time in this? I could be doing my taxes or at least filing an extension”. Well, yes – yes there IS a very good reason to keep watching. And that reason is…..

MARKY MARK HAS A FREAKING BATMOBILE.

And the good kind! Not that bogus wretched make-believe bulldozers from all the current Batman movies. Nope – Marky Mark has a 1960’s Batmobile! That’s the same kind of Batmobile I’m going to buy!

Wow, is that Batmobile cool. We first see Marky Mark race some wig-wearing dude (I’m guessing the singer from a rival band). The wig-wearing dude has a Ferrari and of course he and Marky Mark are racing for pink slips. Marky Mark and his Batmobile are getting toasted but Marky Mark hits the “Bat Afterburner” button (which for some reason was actually only labeled “Afterburner”) and BLAMMO! He blows the Ferrari out of the water therefore obtaining ownership of said Ferrari. Nice! However, as a future purchaser of one of these Batmobiles, I can tell you there is no “Afterburner” button, nor can you buy an actual afterburner. You can order something to make fire come out of the back but it doesn’t make you go any faster. And let’s be honest – when you’re driving something as awesomely cool as this, you don’t WANT to go fast. You want to motor slow and be cool. If you’d like to learn about these cool Batmobiles, go here: http://buybatparts.com/cms/

I think some other stuff happened, and then Marky Mark shows up at the recording studio in his Batmobile. It’s “Six Months Later” and Marky Mark doesn’t really look so good IMO. It turns out that being famous and rich, with no accountability to anyone, and having scores of hot chicks wanting to bone you every night is really not all that much fun. In fact, it’s a drag…a drag that not even having your own Batmobile can overcome. (I personally believe there is no drag so bad that having your own Batmobile can’t overcome it.)

Marky Mark looks even worse after the band rejects the songs he’s written, and also rejects the album cover he’s designed. I really thought someone in the band was going to comment on his album cover, “It’s like – how much more stupid can this album cover be? And the answer is, none. None more stupid”.

This is The Beginning of The End for Marky Mark. Wah wah wah, the band is more interested in making money and satisfying fans than they are going off in some new artistic direction. Welcome to the real world, Marky Mark! It’s called show business!

So what is a sincere rocker who only wants to sing Songs That Make a Difference™ to do? Marky Mark is perplexed, so he goes on a bender and apparently boffs many groupies (BTW, this was the advice given to him by the British manager. Boff many groupies, because that’s what your male fans expect you to do, and they are who buy the albums. I honestly didn’t really follow that logic.). And then, of course, Jennifer Aniston shows up. She is not very happy about Marky Mark acting like an actual rock star and boffing many groupies, and leaves. Yay! But I knew we weren’t done with her. Boo!

Marky Mark plays his next concert and there’s some cool wig-wearing dude in the audience, right next to the stage. Marky Mark lets him sing a line of a song and the guy nails it. So Marky Mark brings the guy onstage and they trade off on finishing the song. The guy is really good. The next section of the show is a drum solo and no one likes drum solos (sorry drummers, but it’s the truth. Someone had to tell you.). So Marky Mark takes the guy off-stage where miraculously it’s quiet and the guy says, “Man, I know all your songs and all your moves. I’ve been studying you!” Whereupon Marky Mark calls for security and they have the stalker arrested.

No they don’t! Marky Mark gives him the mic and says, “It’s all yours now”. Instead of showing us how the band reacts when some unknown dude comes out to finish the show, or showing us how the audience rioted when some unknown dude takes the place of the singer they paid $$$$$ to see in concert, they cut to Marky Mark walking away and encountering the British manager. “I have to take a piss” says Marky Mark, and this becomes the actual explanation given to the public the next day on TV. But it’s one of those permanent pisses, and Marky Mark never comes back.

Instead, he apparently sells his Batmobile because we next see him getting out of the bed of a farm truck from which he’s hitched a ride, and playing Songs That Make a Difference™ to hipsters in a small club. Oh yeah, Jennifer Aniston is there. You knew Jennifer Aniston would be there, didn’t you?

The end. Or, the beginning of Marky Mark singing Songs That Make a Difference™ to hipsters in small clubs for the rest of his life.

I give this movie 2.5 rock star hair wigs out of a possible 5 rock star hair wigs. I do have the feeling that if you watched this drunk, it might be a 3.5 rock star hair wig kind of movie.

.

[Edited 4/18/16 11:31am]

RodeoSchro said:

Welcome to an exciting installment of Movies I Watched A Little Of Here and There, But Finally Saw The End Of It this Afternoon! Today’s installment features the Marky Mark star vehicle, “Rock Star”.

I honestly wouldn’t be able to tell you what this movie was about, except I hit “Info” on the remote and it said something like “Marky Mark unexpectedly gets fired from his tribute band job then unexpectedly gets hired to be the singer of the band that his tribute band was tributing, or something like that. Plus, they unexpectedly threw in Jennifer Aniston with no real justification as she doesn’t talk dirty in this movie. But the only real reason to watch this is that Marky Mark unexpectedly but very coolly drives a Batmobile!”

OK, that’s not exactly what the “Info” said but that’s what it should say!

I don’t remember watching much of this movie the first time I saw part of it. I think I saw the part where Marky Mark auditioned for the band, and the guy he was replacing was gay and bald. It was unclear why that guy was getting the boot but if I know my rock and roll, it was probably because he had gone bald and didn’t want to wear a wig any more. (If that didn’t really happen in this movie, then I must be thinking of some other movie.)

However, Marky Mark has no problem wearing a wig. Apparently, from my observation, neither did anyone else in the fake band, whose name is “Steel Dragon”. Man, if everyone but the British manager wasn’t wearing a wig, then I don’t know male pattern baldness. (NOTE: Like all males, I know everything about male pattern baldness because I want to know immediately if I need to activate a Rogaine program. Time is hair, people! Every guy is exactly like me and if any guy tells you different, he is lying.)

It’s worth noting that in the pantheon of wig-wearing stars of rock movies, I don’t believe any fake rock star ever wore a wig better than Michael McKeon in “This is Spinal Tap”. No one in “Rock Star” approaches a McKeon-esque level of fake flowing locks – least of which Marky Mark. His wig is bad.





vs.

So I guess Marky Mark gets the job, and for some reason that surely makes no sense, falls in love with Jennifer Aniston. Who knows why? Not me. Two years ago all I saw was the part where Marky Mark made the band and then when I picked this film up again this afternoon, there was Jennifer Aniston with her patented weepy-eyed white girl persona. I see Jennifer Aniston’s career only on bookends. To me, she was hot and awesome in “Leprechaun” and also that sketch comedy show she was on back in the 80’s. Then, she was hot and awesome in “Horrible Bosses” but really only because of the dirty talk. So those are the bookends. Everything else she’s done in between the bookends is forgettable. Oh! – except for that one episode of “Friends’ where Ross whines about something, Joey says something stupid, Phoebe does something stupid, and Aniston calls everyone “honey”. She was great in that episode.

So – and this is a cool scene – Marky Mark is saying goodbye to Aniston and that he’ll see her in Seattle. She leaves the….ummmm, it was either an airport or a hospital. Or perhaps some sort of cool airport/hospital combination that they probably have all over Europe (and that I bet we will have here if we elect Bernie Sanders). Because right after she leaves, Marky Mark walks 10 feet to where the band’s British manager is getting a blood transfusion. Because “me liver doesn’t work as well as it used to. Now, light my cigarette!”

At this point you’re probably thinking like me – “Man, this is stupid. Is there a good reason why I should invest any more time in this? I could be doing my taxes or at least filing an extension”. Well, yes – yes there IS a very good reason to keep watching. And that reason is…..

MARKY MARK HAS A FREAKING BATMOBILE.

And the good kind! Not that bogus wretched make-believe bulldozers from all the current Batman movies. Nope – Marky Mark has a 1960’s Batmobile! That’s the same kind of Batmobile I’m going to buy!

Wow, is that Batmobile cool. We first see Marky Mark race some wig-wearing dude (I’m guessing the singer from a rival band). The wig-wearing dude has a Ferrari and of course he and Marky Mark are racing for pink slips. Marky Mark and his Batmobile are getting toasted but Marky Mark hits the “Bat Afterburner” button (which for some reason was actually only labeled “Afterburner”) and BLAMMO! He blows the Ferrari out of the water therefore obtaining ownership of said Ferrari. Nice! However, as a future purchaser of one of these Batmobiles, I can tell you there is no “Afterburner” button, nor can you buy an actual afterburner. You can order something to make fire come out of the back but it doesn’t make you go any faster. And let’s be honest – when you’re driving something as awesomely cool as this, you don’t WANT to go fast. You want to motor slow and be cool. If you’d like to learn about these cool Batmobiles, go here: http://buybatparts.com/cms/

I think some other stuff happened, and then Marky Mark shows up at the recording studio in his Batmobile. It’s “Six Months Later” and Marky Mark doesn’t really look so good IMO. It turns out that being famous and rich, with no accountability to anyone, and having scores of hot chicks wanting to bone you every night is really not all that much fun. In fact, it’s a drag…a drag that not even having your own Batmobile can overcome. (I personally believe there is no drag so bad that having your own Batmobile can’t overcome it.)

Marky Mark looks even worse after the band rejects the songs he’s written, and also rejects the album cover he’s designed. I really thought someone in the band was going to comment on his album cover, “It’s like – how much more stupid can this album cover be? And the answer is, none. None more stupid”.

This is The Beginning of The End for Marky Mark. Wah wah wah, the band is more interested in making money and satisfying fans than they are going off in some new artistic direction. Welcome to the real world, Marky Mark! It’s called show business!

So what is a sincere rocker who only wants to sing Songs That Make a Difference™ to do? Marky Mark is perplexed, so he goes on a bender and apparently boffs many groupies (BTW, this was the advice given to him by the British manager. Boff many groupies, because that’s what your male fans expect you to do, and they are who buy the albums. I honestly didn’t really follow that logic.). And then, of course, Jennifer Aniston shows up. She is not very happy about Marky Mark acting like an actual rock star and boffing many groupies, and leaves. Yay! But I knew we weren’t done with her. Boo!

Marky Mark plays his next concert and there’s some cool wig-wearing dude in the audience, right next to the stage. Marky Mark lets him sing a line of a song and the guy nails it. So Marky Mark brings the guy onstage and they trade off on finishing the song. The guy is really good. The next section of the show is a drum solo and no one likes drum solos (sorry drummers, but it’s the truth. Someone had to tell you.). So Marky Mark takes the guy off-stage where miraculously it’s quiet and the guy says, “Man, I know all your songs and all your moves. I’ve been studying you!” Whereupon Marky Mark calls for security and they have the stalker arrested.

No they don’t! Marky Mark gives him the mic and says, “It’s all yours now”. Instead of showing us how the band reacts when some unknown dude comes out to finish the show, or showing us how the audience rioted when some unknown dude takes the place of the singer they paid $$$$$ to see in concert, they cut to Marky Mark walking away and encountering the British manager. “I have to take a piss” says Marky Mark, and this becomes the actual explanation given to the public the next day on TV. But it’s one of those permanent pisses, and Marky Mark never comes back.

Instead, he apparently sells his Batmobile because we next see him getting out of the bed of a farm truck from which he’s hitched a ride, and playing Songs That Make a Difference™ to hipsters in a small club. Oh yeah, Jennifer Aniston is there. You knew Jennifer Aniston would be there, didn’t you?

The end. Or, the beginning of Marky Mark singing Songs That Make a Difference™ to hipsters in small clubs for the rest of his life.

I give this movie 2.5 rock star hair wigs out of a possible 5 rock star hair wigs. I do have the feeling that if you watched this drunk, it might be a 3.5 rock star hair wig kind of movie.

Boi neon / Neon Bull (2015) - Iremar works at the "Vaquejadas", a rodeo in the North East of Brazil, but the region's booming clothing industry stirs new ambitions.

This is a very erotically charged movie. And not just the relationships between the characters, but between them and the animals as well. Eek. 4.5/5

sexton said:

Boi neon / Neon Bull (2015) - Iremar works at the "Vaquejadas", a rodeo in the North East of Brazil, but the region's booming clothing industry stirs new ambitions.

This is a very erotically charged movie. And not just the relationships between the characters, but between them and the animals as well. Eek. 4.5/5

Could you explain this please.

214 said:

sexton said:

Boi neon / Neon Bull (2015) - Iremar works at the "Vaquejadas", a rodeo in the North East of Brazil, but the region's booming clothing industry stirs new ambitions.

This is a very erotically charged movie. And not just the relationships between the characters, but between them and the animals as well. Eek. 4.5/5

Could you explain this please.

The main character masturbates a horse in one scene.

sexton said:

214 said:

Could you explain this please.

The main character masturbates a horse in one scene.

Oh that's hot.