Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

[Edited 1/28/16 12:39pm]

no more shopping trips for you

Wait, is this your husband morningsong?

wildgoldenhoney said:

Wait, is this your husband morningsong?

Yeah, girl. He my snuggle bunny.



j/k. No it is not Wild, I just like having pictures when I can, and it goes with the joke.

it s much more difficult to pick up ladies at walmart. IkEA is the place for me.

Walmart kinda aight depending on where you live butt 9 times out of ten they got someone on the downlow sure to fuck a muthafucker up....like you think they single butt they aint.

its not like you cant go to their home or take them home but yall gots to know what you doing and what you should do.

also, them chicks at IKEA is a bit more sophisticated...them ikea chicks aint got them heavy dudes sitting on the couch or working shifts while you kinda sneaking up on there ladies ha ha ha ha

so if yall into thrill and wanna risk geting your ass kicked Walmart might be okay for you.

butt to each his own I guess.

good thing about walmart is they have good underwear for real cheap prices ....i kinda like their socks ,too.

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I like the one about condoms....he should have just put ONE or two boxes of condoms into the cart tho...they wouldn´t have noticed until the cash register... ha haha then theyd get into a heated arguement on whos cheating on who? ha ha

I once thougt about puttin some random cheap ass oldschool double penetration DVDs , like real oldschool iM talking about ron jeremy mid 90s oldschool here....anyway....wanted to put five of them in five different mailboxes of my neighbors two houses further down the street.

butt changed my mind.

cause you never know how folks react...could ve caused a lot of trouble in some households. but t Im still thinking about it. ha ha ha

i have done things like several of those!

I have put condoms in people's carts...as well as other items

I have taken the RFID chips off items and put them on people's shirts or carts.

I have walked around with a stuffed Pikachu making his voice!

I have taken cheese and walked up to people and said "Behold the POWER of Cheese!"

I have tried to get an extended warranty on food

I have made up odd names of common items like a Beverage emulsification device

I have asked if they accept "Federal Reserve Notes" when they say no demand to see a manager... only once did the manager not know what I meant. (out of maybe 4 times)

I have asked people what "today" was and then said NO What YEAR! and then said "thank god it's not too late" (I got this from some place)

As well as lots of singing and dancing AND random weirdness

[Edited 1/28/16 16:48pm]