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Thread started 11/23/15 4:04pm

SeventeenDayze

Forgiveness: How Do You Do It?

Hey everyone, I've had some major drama happen with some people close to me. I think forgiveness is important but how do you know when you've truly forgiven someone? Is it okay to forgive someone but then never talk to them again? I don't want to hold a grudge but I also don't want to set myself up for disappointment in the future if/when they hurt me again. How do you know when you've forgiven someone completely and can let go?

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Reply #1 posted 11/23/15 4:13pm

duccichucka

SeventeenDayze said:

Hey everyone, I've had some major drama happen with some people close to me. I think forgiveness is important but how do you know when you've truly forgiven someone? Is it okay to forgive someone but then never talk to them again? I don't want to hold a grudge but I also don't want to set myself up for disappointment in the future if/when they hurt me again. How do you know when you've forgiven someone completely and can let go?


Forgiveness occurs when you no longer desire to justifiably punish those who have punished
you. I use PBS' This Emotional Life's section on forgiveness when I'm conducting my group
therapy sessions. I find it very helpful.



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Reply #2 posted 11/23/15 4:36pm

SeventeenDayze

duccichucka said:

SeventeenDayze said:

Hey everyone, I've had some major drama happen with some people close to me. I think forgiveness is important but how do you know when you've truly forgiven someone? Is it okay to forgive someone but then never talk to them again? I don't want to hold a grudge but I also don't want to set myself up for disappointment in the future if/when they hurt me again. How do you know when you've forgiven someone completely and can let go?


Forgiveness occurs when you no longer desire to justifiably punish those who have punished
you. I use PBS' This Emotional Life's section on forgiveness when I'm conducting my group
therapy sessions. I find it very helpful.



Thanks for the link. Will check it out. But, what about the other question that I posed? I'm wondering if it's okay to just turn your back and never deal with that person the rest of you life.

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Reply #3 posted 11/23/15 4:50pm

NinaB

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In my subjective experience u can forgive/move on & have no contact with them.
Whether or not they get it is another story.
"We just let people talk & say whatever they want 2 say. 9 times out of 10, trust me, what's out there now, I wouldn't give nary one of these folks the time of day. That's why I don't say anything back, because there's so much that's wrong" - P, Dec '15
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Reply #4 posted 11/23/15 4:54pm

NinaB

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Paths meet, walk together & sometimes part again.
Sometimes you've got to forgive/let it go because the alternative is harmful to your health.
"We just let people talk & say whatever they want 2 say. 9 times out of 10, trust me, what's out there now, I wouldn't give nary one of these folks the time of day. That's why I don't say anything back, because there's so much that's wrong" - P, Dec '15
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Reply #5 posted 11/23/15 4:54pm

duccichucka

SeventeenDayze said:

duccichucka said:


Forgiveness occurs when you no longer desire to justifiably punish those who have punished
you. I use PBS' This Emotional Life's section on forgiveness when I'm conducting my group
therapy sessions. I find it very helpful.



Thanks for the link. Will check it out. But, what about the other question that I posed? I'm wondering if it's okay to just turn your back and never deal with that person the rest of you life.


The answer to your question is one that you will have to discover. Never dealing with a person
who has hurt you for "the rest of your life" doesn't sound like forgiveness, but a form of retri-
bution. That being said, forgiveness doesn't mean that you forget the harm/injustices enacted
upon you.

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Reply #6 posted 11/23/15 4:54pm

SeventeenDayze

NinaB said:

In my subjective experience u can forgive/move on & have no contact with them. Whether or not they get it is another story.

Yeah and I'm dealing with folks who might act nice for a short while but then eventually they will go back to their same old ways (and sometimes act WORSE than before).

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Reply #7 posted 11/23/15 4:55pm

SeventeenDayze

duccichucka said:

SeventeenDayze said:

Thanks for the link. Will check it out. But, what about the other question that I posed? I'm wondering if it's okay to just turn your back and never deal with that person the rest of you life.


The answer to your question is one that you will have to discover. Never dealing with a person
who has hurt you for "the rest of your life" doesn't sound like forgiveness, but a form of retri-
bution. That being said, forgiveness doesn't mean that you forget the harm/injustices enacted
upon you.

Thanks but are you saying that in order to forgive we have to continue to have that person in our life? That doesn't seem healthy to me but I'm no psychologist...

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Reply #8 posted 11/23/15 4:56pm

SeventeenDayze

NinaB said:

Paths meet, walk together & sometimes part again. Sometimes you've got to forgive/let it go because the alternative is harmful to your health.

I agree. I just don't have any "emotional capital" so to speak, left to keep doling out forgiveness and fresh starts only to be betrayed and hurt again. I can't think my heart can stand it anymore.

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Reply #9 posted 11/23/15 5:06pm

NinaB

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I hear u.
I believe when it comes to who u spend your personal time with, the choice is yours.
I don't care if you're water or blood, I ain't keeping company with u if I don't want to.
Also I think the company u keep is paramount, & shit rubs off.
"We just let people talk & say whatever they want 2 say. 9 times out of 10, trust me, what's out there now, I wouldn't give nary one of these folks the time of day. That's why I don't say anything back, because there's so much that's wrong" - P, Dec '15
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Reply #10 posted 11/23/15 5:08pm

SeventeenDayze

NinaB said:

I hear u. I believe when it comes to who u spend your personal time with, the choice is yours. I don't care if you're water or blood, I ain't keeping company with u if I don't want to. Also I think the company u keep is paramount, & shit rubs off.

Thanks. I agree. I have (Well, I should say HAD) extremely toxic and backstabbing people around me that I no longer communicate with.

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Reply #11 posted 11/23/15 5:11pm

NinaB

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Yeah, round here we call em 'The Fuckers Dem' lol
"We just let people talk & say whatever they want 2 say. 9 times out of 10, trust me, what's out there now, I wouldn't give nary one of these folks the time of day. That's why I don't say anything back, because there's so much that's wrong" - P, Dec '15
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Reply #12 posted 11/23/15 5:12pm

duccichucka

SeventeenDayze said:

duccichucka said:


The answer to your question is one that you will have to discover. Never dealing with a person
who has hurt you for "the rest of your life" doesn't sound like forgiveness, but a form of retri-
bution. That being said, forgiveness doesn't mean that you forget the harm/injustices enacted
upon you.

Thanks but are you saying that in order to forgive we have to continue to have that person in our life? That doesn't seem healthy to me but I'm no psychologist...


No. I'm saying that the way you worded your post made it seem like you were seeking to
punish the person who offended/harmed/hurt you by removing them from your life as it
endures, and I was wondering if that wasn't forgiveness but some type of "pay back" on your
part.

But if you can truly forgive someone, in a loving or healthy way, and then decide that you can
no longer have them involved in your life, then yes, I think that is appropriate. Like I said,
forgiveness does not mean you must forget the offense/harm/injustice enacted upon you. And
often a way to remove ourselves from the people who hurt us over and over again is to get
them the fuck out of our life!

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Reply #13 posted 11/23/15 5:18pm

SeventeenDayze

duccichucka said:

SeventeenDayze said:

Thanks but are you saying that in order to forgive we have to continue to have that person in our life? That doesn't seem healthy to me but I'm no psychologist...


No. I'm saying that the way you worded your post made it seem like you were seeking to
punish the person who offended/harmed/hurt you by removing them from your life as it
endures, and I was wondering if that wasn't forgiveness but some type of "pay back" on your
part.

But if you can truly forgive someone, in a loving or healthy way, and then decide that you can
no longer have them involved in your life, then yes, I think that is appropriate. Like I said,
forgiveness does not mean you must forget the offense/harm/injustice enacted upon you. And
often a way to remove ourselves from the people who hurt us over and over again is to get
them the fuck out of our life!

Thanks. It seems like nobody teaches anything about how to forgive others. I guess it's a unique thing in that regard. It's something that's necessary to have but nobody knows how to do it I guess. I guess in my original post I meant to say that how can you forgive and walk away knowing that you're not holding a grudge but just protecting your heart from future abuse by that person.

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Reply #14 posted 11/23/15 5:18pm

SeventeenDayze

NinaB said:

Yeah, round here we call em 'The Fuckers Dem' lol

I'll keep that in mind smile LOL

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Reply #15 posted 11/23/15 5:21pm

NinaB

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I agree with Ducci in that there's a def difference between forgiving & punishing via removal.
"We just let people talk & say whatever they want 2 say. 9 times out of 10, trust me, what's out there now, I wouldn't give nary one of these folks the time of day. That's why I don't say anything back, because there's so much that's wrong" - P, Dec '15
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Reply #16 posted 11/23/15 5:25pm

NinaB

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...But sometimes the forgiveness comes quite a while after a necessary removal.
"We just let people talk & say whatever they want 2 say. 9 times out of 10, trust me, what's out there now, I wouldn't give nary one of these folks the time of day. That's why I don't say anything back, because there's so much that's wrong" - P, Dec '15
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Reply #17 posted 11/23/15 5:48pm

duccichucka

NinaB said:

...But sometimes the forgiveness comes quite a while after a necessary removal.


Yep.

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Reply #18 posted 11/23/15 6:35pm

SeventeenDayze

duccichucka said:

NinaB said:

...But sometimes the forgiveness comes quite a while after a necessary removal.


Yep.

So how long do we wait until we re-examine the situation and decide if we're either holding a grudge or doing what's the best for our emotional wellbeing?

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Reply #19 posted 11/23/15 6:45pm

Hamad

avatar

SeventeenDayze said:

Hey everyone, I've had some major drama happen with some people close to me. I think forgiveness is important but how do you know when you've truly forgiven someone? Is it okay to forgive someone but then never talk to them again? I don't want to hold a grudge but I also don't want to set myself up for disappointment in the future if/when they hurt me again. How do you know when you've forgiven someone completely and can let go?

When the sight of that person no longer upsets me.

It may sound cynical, but I keep my expectations low. Not that I expect the worst from people by default, but to avoid any potential disappointments.

Most importantly though, is the ability to forgive yourself, because after you get hurt you might go through a cycle of self criticism and self doubt. Both things never generate any good results at all.

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future...

Twitter: https://twitter.com/QLH82
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Reply #20 posted 11/23/15 7:16pm

SupaFunkyOrgan
grinderSexy

avatar

SeventeenDayze said:

duccichucka said:


Forgiveness occurs when you no longer desire to justifiably punish those who have punished
you. I use PBS' This Emotional Life's section on forgiveness when I'm conducting my group
therapy sessions. I find it very helpful.



Thanks for the link. Will check it out. But, what about the other question that I posed? I'm wondering if it's okay to just turn your back and never deal with that person the rest of you life.

You are not responsible for other people's perceptions or reactions. You are not required to have relationships with people that do not serve you. Even if they are family.

2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740
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Reply #21 posted 11/23/15 7:27pm

KingBAD

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forgivin for me is attained by acceptin that it happened

confrontin the situation in a timely manner,

and then forgivin and putin it in the past.

i don't forget about it so much that it happens again,

and i don't remember it enough to dwell on it...

it also helps when i remember anything similar in

anything i ever did....

MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!

i have one of them "fukkkit" frames of mind...

i can find the comedy in anything.

i am KING BAD!!!
you are NOT...
evilking
STOP ME IF YOU HEARD THIS BEFORE...
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Reply #22 posted 11/23/15 7:43pm

SeventeenDayze

Hamad said:



SeventeenDayze said:


Hey everyone, I've had some major drama happen with some people close to me. I think forgiveness is important but how do you know when you've truly forgiven someone? Is it okay to forgive someone but then never talk to them again? I don't want to hold a grudge but I also don't want to set myself up for disappointment in the future if/when they hurt me again. How do you know when you've forgiven someone completely and can let go?




When the sight of that person no longer upsets me.



It may sound cynical, but I keep my expectations low. Not that I expect the worst from people by default, but to avoid any potential disappointments.



Most importantly though, is the ability to forgive yourself, because after you get hurt you might go through a cycle of self criticism and self doubt. Both things never generate any good results at all.


Thanks for your comments. I think what you said makes a lot of sense. We can move forward and not expect much from the other person. I'm dealing with liars and fake ass personalities so in order to keep sane I have to get away and stay away from them.
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Reply #23 posted 11/23/15 7:53pm

NinaB

avatar

KingBAD said:

forgivin for me is attained by acceptin that it happened


confrontin the situation in a timely manner,


and then forgivin and putin it in the past.


i don't forget about it so much that it happens again,


and i don't remember it enough to dwell on it...


it also helps when i remember anything similar in


anything i ever did....


MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!


i have one of them "fukkkit" frames of mind...


i can find the comedy in anything.


I like this. Especially the part about not forgetting about it so much it happens again & not remembering it enuf 2 dwell on it.
"We just let people talk & say whatever they want 2 say. 9 times out of 10, trust me, what's out there now, I wouldn't give nary one of these folks the time of day. That's why I don't say anything back, because there's so much that's wrong" - P, Dec '15
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Reply #24 posted 11/23/15 8:30pm

SeventeenDayze

NinaB said:

KingBAD said:

forgivin for me is attained by acceptin that it happened

confrontin the situation in a timely manner,

and then forgivin and putin it in the past.

i don't forget about it so much that it happens again,

and i don't remember it enough to dwell on it...

it also helps when i remember anything similar in

anything i ever did....

MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!

i have one of them "fukkkit" frames of mind...

i can find the comedy in anything.

I like this. Especially the part about not forgetting about it so much it happens again & not remembering it enuf 2 dwell on it.

That's good advice, I hope that there are more Orgers here who can share how they managed to forgive in difficult situations.

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Reply #25 posted 11/23/15 8:56pm

NinaB

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I think time passing & distance plays a large part.

Also some truthful introspection, so as to learn what your own part to play in it all was (& hopefully not repeat it).

That way it's not a simple blame game & when you recognize your own mistakes/challenges etc u don't hold grudges so much.
"We just let people talk & say whatever they want 2 say. 9 times out of 10, trust me, what's out there now, I wouldn't give nary one of these folks the time of day. That's why I don't say anything back, because there's so much that's wrong" - P, Dec '15
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Reply #26 posted 11/23/15 10:06pm

KingBAD

avatar

NinaB said:

I think time passing & distance plays a large part. Also some truthful introspection, so as to learn what your own part to play in it all was (& hopefully not repeat it). That way it's not a simple blame game & when you recognize your own mistakes/challenges etc u don't hold grudges so much.

there's a concept of "keepin yo side of the street clean" that aids o lot of people

in avoidin grudges and the like. havin that introspective on one's self...

perception helps in forgivin too. what did it look like to them?

i found that a lot of people reacted to some 'perceived' thing.

i found out that i could forgive even without an apology...

which is actually a stress reliever.

i am KING BAD!!!
you are NOT...
evilking
STOP ME IF YOU HEARD THIS BEFORE...
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Reply #27 posted 11/23/15 10:24pm

NinaB

avatar

KingBAD said:



NinaB said:


I think time passing & distance plays a large part. Also some truthful introspection, so as to learn what your own part to play in it all was (& hopefully not repeat it). That way it's not a simple blame game & when you recognize your own mistakes/challenges etc u don't hold grudges so much.

there's a concept of "keepin yo side of the street clean" that aids o lot of people


in avoidin grudges and the like. havin that introspective on one's self...


perception helps in forgivin too. what did it look like to them?


i found that a lot of people reacted to some 'perceived' thing.


i found out that i could forgive even without an apology...


which is actually a stress reliever.


Yes, perception is a biggie! A lot of miscommunication & misunderstandings... Sometimes people thought u were thinking something or saying something that was not at all what u intended.

Sometimes u don't clarify exactly what u mean or what your intentions are.

Sometimes people have yrs worth of stuff they've took offense to/been hurt by & they never tell u.

You're so right about it being a stress reliever! Talk about a weight being lifted.
[Edited 11/23/15 22:24pm]
"We just let people talk & say whatever they want 2 say. 9 times out of 10, trust me, what's out there now, I wouldn't give nary one of these folks the time of day. That's why I don't say anything back, because there's so much that's wrong" - P, Dec '15
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Reply #28 posted 11/23/15 10:29pm

SeventeenDayze

NinaB said:

KingBAD said:

there's a concept of "keepin yo side of the street clean" that aids o lot of people

in avoidin grudges and the like. havin that introspective on one's self...

perception helps in forgivin too. what did it look like to them?

i found that a lot of people reacted to some 'perceived' thing.

i found out that i could forgive even without an apology...

which is actually a stress reliever.

Yes, perception is a biggie! A lot of miscommunication & misunderstandings... Sometimes people thought u were thinking something or saying something that was not at all what u intended. Sometimes u don't clarify exactly what u mean or what your intentions are. Sometimes people have yrs worth of stuff they've took offense to/been hurt by & they never tell u. You're so right about it being a stress reliever! Talk about a weight being lifted. [Edited 11/23/15 22:24pm]

I think jealousy is a big problem in this particular situation. It's a long story but if people feel like their life sucked in its entirety because of you and/or you had it "easier" than them, there's nothing you can do to change that misconception even though I've had some horrific stuff happen to me financially, emotionally, etc. you name it. They only want to see one side of things and ignore the rest. I am glad I have you all at the Org (minus the trolls) who share stories of their own experiences. Thanks.

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Reply #29 posted 11/23/15 10:35pm

NinaB

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Oh lawd, the old my suffering is worse than your suffering game.
My best friend & I have had quite a few conversations over a few decades about that shit.
"We just let people talk & say whatever they want 2 say. 9 times out of 10, trust me, what's out there now, I wouldn't give nary one of these folks the time of day. That's why I don't say anything back, because there's so much that's wrong" - P, Dec '15
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