Hey everyone, I've had some major drama happen with some people close to me. I think forgiveness is important but how do you know when you've truly forgiven someone? Is it okay to forgive someone but then never talk to them again? I don't want to hold a grudge but I also don't want to set myself up for disappointment in the future if/when they hurt me again. How do you know when you've forgiven someone completely and can let go?

SeventeenDayze said:

Hey everyone, I've had some major drama happen with some people close to me. I think forgiveness is important but how do you know when you've truly forgiven someone? Is it okay to forgive someone but then never talk to them again? I don't want to hold a grudge but I also don't want to set myself up for disappointment in the future if/when they hurt me again. How do you know when you've forgiven someone completely and can let go?

Forgiveness occurs when you no longer desire to justifiably punish those who have punished
you. I use PBS' This Emotional Life's section on forgiveness when I'm conducting my group
therapy sessions. I find it very helpful.

duccichucka said:

SeventeenDayze said:

Hey everyone, I've had some major drama happen with some people close to me. I think forgiveness is important but how do you know when you've truly forgiven someone? Is it okay to forgive someone but then never talk to them again? I don't want to hold a grudge but I also don't want to set myself up for disappointment in the future if/when they hurt me again. How do you know when you've forgiven someone completely and can let go?

Forgiveness occurs when you no longer desire to justifiably punish those who have punished
you. I use PBS' This Emotional Life's section on forgiveness when I'm conducting my group
therapy sessions. I find it very helpful.

Thanks for the link. Will check it out. But, what about the other question that I posed? I'm wondering if it's okay to just turn your back and never deal with that person the rest of you life.

SeventeenDayze said:

duccichucka said:

Forgiveness occurs when you no longer desire to justifiably punish those who have punished
you. I use PBS' This Emotional Life's section on forgiveness when I'm conducting my group
therapy sessions. I find it very helpful.

Thanks for the link. Will check it out. But, what about the other question that I posed? I'm wondering if it's okay to just turn your back and never deal with that person the rest of you life.

The answer to your question is one that you will have to discover. Never dealing with a person
who has hurt you for "the rest of your life" doesn't sound like forgiveness, but a form of retri-
bution. That being said, forgiveness doesn't mean that you forget the harm/injustices enacted
upon you.

NinaB said:

In my subjective experience u can forgive/move on & have no contact with them. Whether or not they get it is another story.

Yeah and I'm dealing with folks who might act nice for a short while but then eventually they will go back to their same old ways (and sometimes act WORSE than before).

duccichucka said:

SeventeenDayze said:

Thanks for the link. Will check it out. But, what about the other question that I posed? I'm wondering if it's okay to just turn your back and never deal with that person the rest of you life.

The answer to your question is one that you will have to discover. Never dealing with a person
who has hurt you for "the rest of your life" doesn't sound like forgiveness, but a form of retri-
bution. That being said, forgiveness doesn't mean that you forget the harm/injustices enacted
upon you.

Thanks but are you saying that in order to forgive we have to continue to have that person in our life? That doesn't seem healthy to me but I'm no psychologist...

NinaB said:

Paths meet, walk together & sometimes part again. Sometimes you've got to forgive/let it go because the alternative is harmful to your health.

I agree. I just don't have any "emotional capital" so to speak, left to keep doling out forgiveness and fresh starts only to be betrayed and hurt again. I can't think my heart can stand it anymore.

NinaB said:

I hear u. I believe when it comes to who u spend your personal time with, the choice is yours. I don't care if you're water or blood, I ain't keeping company with u if I don't want to. Also I think the company u keep is paramount, & shit rubs off.

Thanks. I agree. I have (Well, I should say HAD) extremely toxic and backstabbing people around me that I no longer communicate with.

SeventeenDayze said:

duccichucka said:

The answer to your question is one that you will have to discover. Never dealing with a person
who has hurt you for "the rest of your life" doesn't sound like forgiveness, but a form of retri-
bution. That being said, forgiveness doesn't mean that you forget the harm/injustices enacted
upon you.

Thanks but are you saying that in order to forgive we have to continue to have that person in our life? That doesn't seem healthy to me but I'm no psychologist...

No. I'm saying that the way you worded your post made it seem like you were seeking to
punish the person who offended/harmed/hurt you by removing them from your life as it
endures, and I was wondering if that wasn't forgiveness but some type of "pay back" on your
part.

But if you can truly forgive someone, in a loving or healthy way, and then decide that you can
no longer have them involved in your life, then yes, I think that is appropriate. Like I said,
forgiveness does not mean you must forget the offense/harm/injustice enacted upon you. And
often a way to remove ourselves from the people who hurt us over and over again is to get
them the fuck out of our life!

duccichucka said:

SeventeenDayze said:

Thanks but are you saying that in order to forgive we have to continue to have that person in our life? That doesn't seem healthy to me but I'm no psychologist...

No. I'm saying that the way you worded your post made it seem like you were seeking to
punish the person who offended/harmed/hurt you by removing them from your life as it
endures, and I was wondering if that wasn't forgiveness but some type of "pay back" on your
part.

But if you can truly forgive someone, in a loving or healthy way, and then decide that you can
no longer have them involved in your life, then yes, I think that is appropriate. Like I said,
forgiveness does not mean you must forget the offense/harm/injustice enacted upon you. And
often a way to remove ourselves from the people who hurt us over and over again is to get
them the fuck out of our life!

Thanks. It seems like nobody teaches anything about how to forgive others. I guess it's a unique thing in that regard. It's something that's necessary to have but nobody knows how to do it I guess. I guess in my original post I meant to say that how can you forgive and walk away knowing that you're not holding a grudge but just protecting your heart from future abuse by that person.

NinaB said:

Yeah, round here we call em 'The Fuckers Dem'

I'll keep that in mind LOL

NinaB said:

...But sometimes the forgiveness comes quite a while after a necessary removal.

Yep.

duccichucka said:

NinaB said:

...But sometimes the forgiveness comes quite a while after a necessary removal.

Yep.

So how long do we wait until we re-examine the situation and decide if we're either holding a grudge or doing what's the best for our emotional wellbeing?

SeventeenDayze said:

Hey everyone, I've had some major drama happen with some people close to me. I think forgiveness is important but how do you know when you've truly forgiven someone? Is it okay to forgive someone but then never talk to them again? I don't want to hold a grudge but I also don't want to set myself up for disappointment in the future if/when they hurt me again. How do you know when you've forgiven someone completely and can let go?

When the sight of that person no longer upsets me.

It may sound cynical, but I keep my expectations low. Not that I expect the worst from people by default, but to avoid any potential disappointments.

Most importantly though, is the ability to forgive yourself, because after you get hurt you might go through a cycle of self criticism and self doubt. Both things never generate any good results at all.

SeventeenDayze said:

duccichucka said:

Forgiveness occurs when you no longer desire to justifiably punish those who have punished
you. I use PBS' This Emotional Life's section on forgiveness when I'm conducting my group
therapy sessions. I find it very helpful.

Thanks for the link. Will check it out. But, what about the other question that I posed? I'm wondering if it's okay to just turn your back and never deal with that person the rest of you life.

You are not responsible for other people's perceptions or reactions. You are not required to have relationships with people that do not serve you. Even if they are family.

forgivin for me is attained by acceptin that it happened

confrontin the situation in a timely manner,

and then forgivin and putin it in the past.

i don't forget about it so much that it happens again,

and i don't remember it enough to dwell on it...

it also helps when i remember anything similar in

anything i ever did....

MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!

i have one of them "fukkkit" frames of mind...

i can find the comedy in anything.

Hamad said:

KingBAD said:

NinaB said:

KingBAD said:

forgivin for me is attained by acceptin that it happened

confrontin the situation in a timely manner,

and then forgivin and putin it in the past.

i don't forget about it so much that it happens again,

and i don't remember it enough to dwell on it...

it also helps when i remember anything similar in

anything i ever did....

MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!

i have one of them "fukkkit" frames of mind...

i can find the comedy in anything.

I like this. Especially the part about not forgetting about it so much it happens again & not remembering it enuf 2 dwell on it.

That's good advice, I hope that there are more Orgers here who can share how they managed to forgive in difficult situations.

NinaB said:

I think time passing & distance plays a large part. Also some truthful introspection, so as to learn what your own part to play in it all was (& hopefully not repeat it). That way it's not a simple blame game & when you recognize your own mistakes/challenges etc u don't hold grudges so much.

there's a concept of "keepin yo side of the street clean" that aids o lot of people

in avoidin grudges and the like. havin that introspective on one's self...

perception helps in forgivin too. what did it look like to them?

i found that a lot of people reacted to some 'perceived' thing.

i found out that i could forgive even without an apology...

which is actually a stress reliever.

KingBAD said:

NinaB said:

KingBAD said:

there's a concept of "keepin yo side of the street clean" that aids o lot of people

in avoidin grudges and the like. havin that introspective on one's self...

perception helps in forgivin too. what did it look like to them?

i found that a lot of people reacted to some 'perceived' thing.

i found out that i could forgive even without an apology...

which is actually a stress reliever.

Yes, perception is a biggie! A lot of miscommunication & misunderstandings... Sometimes people thought u were thinking something or saying something that was not at all what u intended. Sometimes u don't clarify exactly what u mean or what your intentions are. Sometimes people have yrs worth of stuff they've took offense to/been hurt by & they never tell u. You're so right about it being a stress reliever! Talk about a weight being lifted. [Edited 11/23/15 22:24pm]

I think jealousy is a big problem in this particular situation. It's a long story but if people feel like their life sucked in its entirety because of you and/or you had it "easier" than them, there's nothing you can do to change that misconception even though I've had some horrific stuff happen to me financially, emotionally, etc. you name it. They only want to see one side of things and ignore the rest. I am glad I have you all at the Org (minus the trolls) who share stories of their own experiences. Thanks.