''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous."

So God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

One time the doctor told a lady to take a milk bath. She called the dairy and ordered a milk bath. The man at the dairy said "Would you like that milk pasteurized?" The lady replied "No, up to my neck will be fine."

I went to my doctor and he told me I needed an operation. I said "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said "All right, you're ugly, too!"