Hey Org....so, the past few days I've been reflecting and have been thinking about the best way to decide if someone in your life is toxic or not. There was a so-called friend that I've known of since I was a teenager that really sent me over the edge recently with her persistent calls and total disregard of my time and situation (I had a death in the family and this bitch kept bugging me wanting to talk about HER problems and HER lack of a love life and decent job). It was a very short and sweet text message basicallly telling her to kick rocks.

I have family that once called me all the time but thanks to a backbiting relative of mine, most of them don't reach out to me much anymore because I don't fit their idea of what a person should be doing with my life. But, it's amazing when I was traveling and being the first one in my family to get a degree, etc. they would always brag to everyone around town about how "smart" I am but then behind my back they talk shit about me and paint a picture like I'm some sort of loser.....

How do you guys get rid of toxic people?

I'm kind of curt, blunt and rude. The spoiled brat emerges. No very positive I'm afraid, but effective.

Interesting that the common denominator in all these "toxic" situations is you.

Genesia said:

Interesting that the common denominator in all these "toxic" situations is you.

You don't know me. You can kindly kiss my ass. IGNORED.

I'm sorry you lost people. I hope you can grief sincerely and not allow it to make into drama that is superficial.

If somebody is draining all the energy out of me, I will try to bow the conversation more positive or just listen for an hour or two. Sometimes it's okay to be a friend and just be there for somebody, without getting something back.

I just broke up with somebody who I consider toxic for me.

And it hurts a lot.

What is bad about it, is that I fooled myself, that it was possible to be in a long-term relationship with this man. I do care about him, but I should have known that I he could not offer me what I need.

So, I blame myself for hurting him and myself. I should not have allowed us to become a couple.

I think it's important to focus on your own behavior and choices. Make sure you respect other people enough to not hurt them because of your own imperfections.

SeventeenDayze said:

Genesia said:

Interesting that the common denominator in all these "toxic" situations is you.

You don't know me. You can kindly kiss my ass. IGNORED.

You can ignore me all you like - but facts are facts. You are in here all the time whining about toxic people in your life, accusing your co-workers (without foundation) of being racist, stating that the people you work for are horrible people who don't pay you fairly and profit off your hard work, that the people your relative is working with on buying a home are taking advantage of him/her, etc. etc. etc.

Again, the only thing these situations have in common is you. Think about it.

dJJ said:

I'm sorry you lost people. I hope you can grief sincerely and not allow it to make into drama that is superficial.

If somebody is draining all the energy out of me, I will try to bow the conversation more positive or just listen for an hour or two. Sometimes it's okay to be a friend and just be there for somebody, without getting something back.

I just broke up with somebody who I consider toxic for me.

And it hurts a lot.

What is bad about it, is that I fooled myself, that it was possible to be in a long-term relationship with this man. I do care about him, but I should have known that I he could not offer me what I need.

So, I blame myself for hurting him and myself. I should not have allowed us to become a couple.

I think it's important to focus on your own behavior and choices. Make sure you respect other people enough to not hurt them because of your own imperfections.

I agree. I did my best to try to summarize a kind of complicated scenario but it was getting to the point where I would be listening to her talk for a really long time without coming up for air. She would always complain about men, always complain about her living situation and her family. If I tried to ever change the topic or share my own problems, she'd probably acknowledge it for like 30 seconds and then change the subject back to her own problems. She really pissed me off the other day with sending me a text with a photo asking me if I liked her hair and she KNOWS that I am still dealing with a death in the family. We were never close in the first place but she would sometimes call me like at 10:45 p.m. on a week night and then in one case most recently she called me late on a Saturday night and left a voicemail....she called me back AGAIN less than 24 hours later and left a message. All her messages are the same, "I hadn't heard from you in a while" but she never says, "Are you okay?"....It's hard to put into words but she's a leech and I'm fed up with it. She wants me to always listen to her but she never listens to me!!! I am tired of it really.

EmmaMcG said:

Firstly and most importantly, I'm sorry for your loss. I had a "friend" who was just like that. Her favourite topic of conversation was herself. Didn't matter what was going on with me, it always had to come back to her. In the end I just told her to fuck off and that was that.

Yeah I had been putting up with her BS for YEARS but I was just always the type to let people vent. I think she took advantage of the fact that I'm patient and a good listener. I just got fed up and the final straw was her last stupid text message about her hair.....good-freaking-riddance! LOL

SeventeenDayze said:

EmmaMcG said:

SeventeenDayze said:

Yeah I had been putting up with her BS for YEARS but I was just always the type to let people vent. I think she took advantage of the fact that I'm patient and a good listener. I just got fed up and the final straw was her last stupid text message about her hair.....good-freaking-riddance! LOL

You're better off without her. Some people can be so clueless.

I blocked her number on my phone a few days prior to gettng the text message about her hair so I don't know how THAT happened but hopefully she'll never call me again.

i'm pretty honest when it comes to shaking a person who seems to be continuously negative about their life.

i will listen to their issues for a while, but if all they express is the negativity and personal trials they are going through, i will put them in the delete contact file.

usually i will (openly) tell them, "you know i need to concentrate on me for now. i know you are going through some real issues but i need to take a break from our contact." then i say, "i hope someone can be there for you and all your personal problems, but i've got to give us a break for now."

(i know it may hurt them, but it works.)

then i delete them from my cell.

< i cannot allow someone to psycically and emotionally drain me. sometimes some people are psychic vampires and are not even aware of this condition.

[Edited 10/15/15 6:39am]

free2bfreeda said:

i'm pretty honest when it comes to shaking a person who seems to be continuously negative about their life.

i will listen to their issues for a while, but if all they express is the negativity and personal trials they are going through, i will put them in the delete contact file.

usually i will (openly) tell them, "you know i need to concentrate on me for now. i know you are going through some real issues but i need to take a break from our contact." then i say, "i hope someone can be there for you and all your personal problems, but i've got to give us a break for now."

(i know it may hurt them, but it works.)

then i delete them from my cell.

< i cannot allow someone to psycically and emotionally drain me. sometimes some people are psychic vampires and are not even aware of this condition.

[Edited 10/15/15 6:39am]

Thanks, I agree. I think she's aware but she's just inconsiderate of my feelings. I just got fed up and it feels great that I finally got up enough nerve to cut her loose. I just don't have time for someone always complaining about their "terrible love life", "terrible job" and "terrible roommates" all the damn time! There HAVE to be some good days and moments in between. I just got tired of her practically stalking me and not giving me the opportunity/space to write or call back. She's drained me long enough.

SeventeenDayze said:

Hey Org....so, the past few days I've been reflecting and have been thinking about the best way to decide if someone in your life is toxic or not. There was a so-called friend that I've known of since I was a teenager that really sent me over the edge recently with her persistent calls and total disregard of my time and situation (I had a death in the family and this bitch kept bugging me wanting to talk about HER problems and HER lack of a love life and decent job). It was a very short and sweet text message basicallly telling her to kick rocks.

I have family that once called me all the time but thanks to a backbiting relative of mine, most of them don't reach out to me much anymore because I don't fit their idea of what a person should be doing with my life. But, it's amazing when I was traveling and being the first one in my family to get a degree, etc. they would always brag to everyone around town about how "smart" I am but then behind my back they talk shit about me and paint a picture like I'm some sort of loser.....

How do you guys get rid of toxic people?

Whenever there's a problem in my life, I'm always there. Rather than actively thinking about getting rid of toxic people I ask myself "what is going on in me that is attracting toxic people?".

ConsciousContact said:

SeventeenDayze said:

Hey Org....so, the past few days I've been reflecting and have been thinking about the best way to decide if someone in your life is toxic or not. There was a so-called friend that I've known of since I was a teenager that really sent me over the edge recently with her persistent calls and total disregard of my time and situation (I had a death in the family and this bitch kept bugging me wanting to talk about HER problems and HER lack of a love life and decent job). It was a very short and sweet text message basicallly telling her to kick rocks.

I have family that once called me all the time but thanks to a backbiting relative of mine, most of them don't reach out to me much anymore because I don't fit their idea of what a person should be doing with my life. But, it's amazing when I was traveling and being the first one in my family to get a degree, etc. they would always brag to everyone around town about how "smart" I am but then behind my back they talk shit about me and paint a picture like I'm some sort of loser.....

How do you guys get rid of toxic people?

Whenever there's a problem in my life, I'm always there. Rather than actively thinking about getting rid of toxic people I ask myself "what is going on in me that is attracting toxic people?".

Thanks. I think she was taking advantage of the fact that I am a good listener, patient and selfless...so she'd go on and on and on about her problems and would seldom listen to mine. I guess I just got fed up. That's all.

I hate people who mistake my kindness for weakness.

.

Controling/Manipulating people are on my radar too. "Call me when you're on your way" What? Why? Just be on time and I'll meet you there. "No, I can drive" Yeah, peace out.

Slave2daGroove said:

I hate people who mistake my kindness for weakness.

.

Controling/Manipulating people are on my radar too. "Call me when you're on your way" What? Why? Just be on time and I'll meet you there. "No, I can drive" Yeah, peace out.

Yeah it was getting to the point where she'd only be available if SHE wanted to do something but not necessarily when I WANTED to do something. On top of that, it seemed like she was always complaining in an effort to either get me to say, "Hey come live with me!" or "Yeah I hate men" or whatever the hidden agenda may have been. Leading up to my breaking point with her was one evening she wanted to meet up after work, she left work but then wasted like 45 minutes before getting on the train and then the train ride would have been 45 minutes and she's like, "Well, I don't wanna be downtown after dark" so it would have been only like an hour to meet up with her. I mean, WTF, I think it's rude to say you want to meet up with someone, have no regard for their time and then say you're not gonna stay past park and there's only one hour of daylight left when you tell me this? She's the kind of person who doesn't want to go anywhere by herself and the only reason she wants to invite me is just to have a warm body with her so she doesn't feel awkward. I have no time for this anymore.

SeventeenDayze said:

Slave2daGroove said:

I hate people who mistake my kindness for weakness.

.

Controling/Manipulating people are on my radar too. "Call me when you're on your way" What? Why? Just be on time and I'll meet you there. "No, I can drive" Yeah, peace out.

Yeah it was getting to the point where she'd only be available if SHE wanted to do something but not necessarily when I WANTED to do something. On top of that, it seemed like she was always complaining in an effort to either get me to say, "Hey come live with me!" or "Yeah I hate men" or whatever the hidden agenda may have been. Leading up to my breaking point with her was one evening she wanted to meet up after work, she left work but then wasted like 45 minutes before getting on the train and then the train ride would have been 45 minutes and she's like, "Well, I don't wanna be downtown after dark" so it would have been only like an hour to meet up with her. I mean, WTF, I think it's rude to say you want to meet up with someone, have no regard for their time and then say you're not gonna stay past park and there's only one hour of daylight left when you tell me this? She's the kind of person who doesn't want to go anywhere by herself and the only reason she wants to invite me is just to have a warm body with her so she doesn't feel awkward. I have no time for this anymore.

My new motto or way to look at people in my life is very simple. "One's actions define them" - There's so many people wanting to tell you how nice they are or are quick to throw judgement around on others (as if they know) but at the end of the day what you do (not say) is who you are. Period. There's also the whole co-dependent aspect to this where some people have to have someone at all times regardless if they get treated like shit. The world is a big place with a ton of people, hope you find some better peeps.

Genesia said:

Interesting that the common denominator in all these "toxic" situations is you.

I am glad YOU wrote this.

I haven"t been on here for a long,long time. I remember you as a person who wasn't afraid to be "negative" to say what you felt needed to be said. I think if someone went on and on about stupid shit with you, you would cut them off and remind them that you had a life and wanted to get back to it.

Unfortunately some of us have been raised to be "nice" and endlessly so. We don't get it that no one has a right to use us as free therapy or a welcome mat. We attract psychic vampires because we put up with their shit. Psychic vampires keep draining you of your time and patience and are often the most passive aggressive people. They also know all the tricks on guilt tripping people.

The best way to change that is stop being "nice" which isn't so easy. People are "nice" because they want to avoid conflict, prevent people from not liking them, and stay on good terms with everyone. We see ourselves as good, but eventually you need to stop pleasing people and allow people to hate your guts if that is what they want to do.

[Edited 10/19/15 15:17pm]

Deadflow3r said:

Genesia said:

Interesting that the common denominator in all these "toxic" situations is you.

I am glad YOU wrote this.

I haven"t been on here for a long,long time. I remember you as a person who wasn't afraid to be "negative" to say what you felt needed to be said. I think if someone went on and on about stupid shit with you, you would cut them off and remind them that you had a life and wanted to get back to it.

Unfortunately some of us have been raised to be "nice" and endlessly so. We don't get it that no one has a right to use us as free therapy or a welcome mat. We attract psychic vampires because we put up with their shit. Psychic vampires keep draining you of your time and patience and are often the most passive aggressive people. They also know all the tricks on guilt tripping people.

The best way to change that is stop being "nice" which isn't so easy. People are "nice" because they want to avoid conflict, prevent people from not liking them, and stay on good terms with everyone. We see ourselves as good, but eventually you need to stop pleasing people and allow people to hate your guts if that is what they want to do.

[Edited 10/19/15 15:17pm]

i just had too.

at least lucy gets paid.

Deadflow3r said:

Genesia said:

Interesting that the common denominator in all these "toxic" situations is you.

I am glad YOU wrote this.

I haven"t been on here for a long,long time. I remember you as a person who wasn't afraid to be "negative" to say what you felt needed to be said. I think if someone went on and on about stupid shit with you, you would cut them off and remind them that you had a life and wanted to get back to it.

Unfortunately some of us have been raised to be "nice" and endlessly so. We don't get it that no one has a right to use us as free therapy or a welcome mat. We attract psychic vampires because we put up with their shit. Psychic vampires keep draining you of your time and patience and are often the most passive aggressive people. They also know all the tricks on guilt tripping people.

The best way to change that is stop being "nice" which isn't so easy. People are "nice" because they want to avoid conflict, prevent people from not liking them, and stay on good terms with everyone. We see ourselves as good, but eventually you need to stop pleasing people and allow people to hate your guts if that is what they want to do.

[Edited 10/19/15 15:17pm]

Yes, this "friend" is a very extremely passive aggressive person and she basically was only in it to just hear herself talk and go on and on about her miserable life. I don't recall her ever being positive about anything. I just reached a breaking point.

SeventeenDayze said:

Deadflow3r said:

I am glad YOU wrote this.

I haven"t been on here for a long,long time. I remember you as a person who wasn't afraid to be "negative" to say what you felt needed to be said. I think if someone went on and on about stupid shit with you, you would cut them off and remind them that you had a life and wanted to get back to it.

Unfortunately some of us have been raised to be "nice" and endlessly so. We don't get it that no one has a right to use us as free therapy or a welcome mat. We attract psychic vampires because we put up with their shit. Psychic vampires keep draining you of your time and patience and are often the most passive aggressive people. They also know all the tricks on guilt tripping people.

The best way to change that is stop being "nice" which isn't so easy. People are "nice" because they want to avoid conflict, prevent people from not liking them, and stay on good terms with everyone. We see ourselves as good, but eventually you need to stop pleasing people and allow people to hate your guts if that is what they want to do.

[Edited 10/19/15 15:17pm]

Yes, this "friend" is a very extremely passive aggressive person and she basically was only in it to just hear herself talk and go on and on about her miserable life. I don't recall her ever being positive about anything. I just reached a breaking point.

may i ask a question?

what is positive about your life? please share some positivity.

Some times you cannot avoid toxic people, especially if you are forced to live in an inner city.

Deadflow3r said:

free2bfreeda said:

SeventeenDayze said:

Yes, this "friend" is a very extremely passive aggressive person and she basically was only in it to just hear herself talk and go on and on about her miserable life. I don't recall her ever being positive about anything. I just reached a breaking point.

may i ask a question?

what is positive about your life? please share some positivity.

Send me an Org note and I'll tell you I'm afraid posting something positive on the Org would leave me open to being attacked by trolls

2freaky4church1 said:

Some times you cannot avoid toxic people, especially if you are forced to live in an inner city.

??????????????????

An old friend of mine from our teenage years (and one-time romantic interest) contacted me about 5 years ago. In the past 20 years, this friend has slipped into the stripping/porn industry and I believe drugs.

In the course of conversation, I mentioned that I was engaged and was planning the wedding. She asked if she was invited, and I said no - that we were having a small wedding and there were actual relatives that were also left out.

Somehow THAT became the focus of attention, and NOT the little bit where I had just told her that my sister passed away a few months prior.

Since the early 90s, I've only ever heard from this girl when she needs something, and after that conversation before my wedding, I haven't heard from her again.

Se7en said:

An old friend of mine from our teenage years (and one-time romantic interest) contacted me about 5 years ago. In the past 20 years, this friend has slipped into the stripping/porn industry and I believe drugs.

In the course of conversation, I mentioned that I was engaged and was planning the wedding. She asked if she was invited, and I said no - that we were having a small wedding and there were actual relatives that were also left out.

Somehow THAT became the focus of attention, and NOT the little bit where I had just told her that my sister passed away a few months prior.

Since the early 90s, I've only ever heard from this girl when she needs something, and after that conversation before my wedding, I haven't heard from her again.

Wow, what an insensitive person. Very rude for her to ask if she was invited. I think in situations like that it's best to wait for the other person to invite you instead of you asking to be invited. Sorry you had that experience but you're better off without her!

So I was looking through my phone last night and somehow I missed that this "friend" had not respected my wishes. After I got that text message from her asking me about her hair (and this was shortly after I had a death in the family) I just wrote her back and told her I needed a break from our friendship and allow me to reach out when I'm ready. She first wrote back and said, "Ok?" But then I see that she had written like 4-5 more text messages saying that I should have called her instead of sending a text and we've been friends for too long for something like this, etc. etc. I mean DAMN, she can't just go the hell away! After scrolling through all those messages it really opened my eyes about how she has zero respect for my feelings. She could have just said, "Ok, let me know when you're free" but instead she sends me all these dumb messages written in "text talk" like a teenager and it showed that she still had no regard for how I was feeling. I'm glad I didn't see those messages when she first sent them otherwise it would have been pretty ugly. I just chose not to respond to the messages I came across last night.