Warning: This article contains language and/or sexual references that younger readers are advised to avoid.

Fanfiction is an integral part of Star Trek history. Most people will tell you that Kirk and Spock were the first ever 'slash pairing' - for the uninitiated, that's a fan-imagined romance between two characters of the same sex - although others reckon this stuff goes back as far as the Bible.

(We don't recommend dwelling on that last thought for too long, by the way.)

And while the likes of EL James haven't done much to improve its unsavoury rep, fanfiction in its place is a fine and admirable creative pursuit, allowing young writers to develop their technique within an established universe and take an active role in the fandoms they love.

A lot of it's also much better written than the soul-destroying novelisations that film studios pay half-rate writers to churn out. We're all for fanfiction at Digital Spy, make no mistake. That being said, there is some very, very weird stuff out there in the Trek fandom. We've selected nine of the best examples - a mix of story summaries and actual extracts – to prove our point.



1) "Spock knocked you up?" Bones asked quietly, eyes wide, lips pulled back in a grin. "That robot got it up and put a telepathic bun in your oven?" He held a hand up. "I need a moment."
"Can we get back to the matter at hand, Dr. McCoy?" Jim hissed, pressing chilled hands to his face to fight the blush threatening to overtake it.

Yep.

2) "A game using food?" Spock inquired.
"Yes, a Japanese snack called pocky." The captain replied, smirking at the small amount of curiosity he had piqued.
"And what, pray tell, is this 'pocky game?'" He glanced up from the pieces he was replacing.
"From my understanding, two people begin eating a piece from either end and the first to pull back loses." The blonde looked up to see his first officer starring at him, eyebrow raised."

You can see where this is going...

3) "What do you mean they're growing?" asked Jim, wide-eyed.
"Do you need me to get you a dictionary? Growing! As in they're getting longer," said McCoy.
Jim just stared at him.
"I swear, Jim. I think you're growing tentacles," said McCoy, gesturing helplessly. "Now, don't ask me how, because I don't have a goddamned clue but-" He stared at the protrusions to Jim and back. "-there they are."
Jim joined him in staring at them.
"Tentacles? Are you sure?" He may have squeaked a little there.
"Yeah, the scans don't lie," said McCoy.
Jim's blue eyes were still wide. "Just how long are they going to get?"

It's not the length of the tentacles, it's what you do with them. (And if you choose to seek out the rest of this story for yourself, you will discover just how true that statement is. Don't, though.)

((4 and 5 have been taken out because we're not allowed to post entire lists.))

6) "Summary: Okay, Jim and Spock bonded and are now returning to New Vulcan to formally announce it to Spock's father, T'Pau and Spock!Prime. Not long after their arrival, however, Spock!Prime begins to catch 'whiffs' if you will of Nu!Spock's claim on Jim, which is both nostalgic and highly arousing to the poor, old guy. Things come to a head when Prime passes Jim in the hall of Sarek's new home and then proceeds to molest the young Captain against the wall."

Firstly: way to give away the entire plot in the summary, bro. Secondly: DEAR GOD, WHY?!?


7) Doctor McCoy had just entered the Conference Room."Why are you all gathered round a table with a book?"
"It's a long story, Doctor McCoy. Why don't you sit with us?" Uhura beckoned a seat beside her.
McCoy shrugged. "Might as well. What's this book you're reading?"
"It's called Harry Potter and the Philsopher's Stone" said Uhura, showing him the front title.
McCoy frowned. "Unusual name for a book. Where did you get those from?"
"I did!" piped up Chekov, holding up his hand. "I landed on Earth in London and someone gave them to me for a free offer!"
McCoy raised his eyebrows. "That's convenient. This story better be good or I'm wasting my valuable time."
Uhura smiled and started the first chapter.
"The Boy Who Lived."

To clarify, this is a story in which Uhura reads the first Harry Potter book to the Enterprise crew. In its entirety. THE ENTIRE BOOK. Every few paragraphs, a crew member will cut in with some witty commentary, which ends up being even more irritating than the massive chunks of unbroken text.

Compared to some of the nightmare material on this list, this one is actually sort of sweet. We're just not sure why it exists.

8)This next one is simply the list of keywords that the author used to categorise the story's content. We think you'll agree it's descriptive, nevertheless.

"Kirk/Spock, Kirk/McCoy, Kirk/Spock/McCoy, Gaila/Kirk, Chekhov/McCoy, McCoy/Sulu, Spock/Uhura, McCoy/Spock, Chekhov/Scotty, Kirk/Sulu, Orgy, Talking Penis, Crossdressing, Tentacles, Halloween, Rough Sex, Bouncy Castle, Schoolgirl Fantasy, Puppy Play, Mind Control, Whipping, Drunkenness, Evil Bunnies, Jell-O, Alternate Universe - Mermaid, Food Fight, De-aging, Character Turned Into Vampire"


9) And the crowning jewel...NSFW!

((OP's note-video won't embed, so have a link and title. Some of you may recognize this...))

Spork! An Erotic Love Story (Edited Together From The Star Trek Audio Book)

http://vimeo.com/8338091