databank said:

So now let's c how u feel 2morrow, then the day after 2morrow, then the next time u meet her, shall we?

eh, I know

I know this is not an "on/off" easy situation, but the mail I sent and the response I got have truly set me on the right track...no more feeling lost (in the dark) or weak, and that's a START, lol

[Edited 12/11/14 9:10am]

JoeTyler said:

databank said:

So now let's c how u feel 2morrow, then the day after 2morrow, then the next time u meet her, shall we?

eh, I know

I know this is not an "on/off" easy situation, but the mail I sent and the response I got have truly set me on the right track...no more feeling lost (in the dark) or weak, and that's a START, lol

[Edited 12/11/14 9:10am]

Sure is

JoeTyler said:

FINAL update (I guess/I think/I feel)

ok, the story goes like this:

-yes, she's my ex (from mid 2007 to early 2009) or perhaps I AM her ex, the breakup was mutual but she's the one that first suggested it in late 2008...then, paradoxically, she tried to salvage the relationship, but I was the one who let it die (probably out of pride/confusion/insecurities)

-the fact is that I managed to completely forgot about her (as far as the mind allows) from mid-2009 until now (she's now working only ONE block away from my current job); the problem is that I've seen her like 8 times (in the subway, in a popular local restaurant, mostly) during the last 30 days, so the memories have reared their ugly head like a load of bricks coming down; so, the crush began...

-yes, we've exchanged words during these days, the typical "long time no see", "how are u" "omg you look good" etc bla bla bla predictable "superficial-going nowhere" stuff...to my surprise the crush then got BIGGER and PAINFUL...as Prince would say, it's mainly a physical thing...the same thing that made me fall for her in 2007 has returned in 2014: the face structure...she has the exact face structure that I feel attracted to (big eyes, meaty lips, slighty wide bone cheeks...), and it's true that redheads can turn a man insane...lol The funny (or should I say, SAD-REVELATORY) thing is that our characters were (are?) not even compatible: she was like always happy-playful...I have my moments of bitterness-weariness; she avoided "old" music like the plague...I only listen to pre-2000 music (mostly); she's very gregarious...I enjoy my moments of solitude, etc...So, yes, Prince, it's mainly a physical thing (thanks, MASTER)

-then I started this thread, looking for advice (thanks again)

Since I don't like to feel lost nor weak, yesterday I decided to email her (to my surprise, she still uses the same mail-why not, anyway?-) and told her about my feelings...FORTUNATELY, as I wanted, the response was kind of cold, and she has made clear that there's no way we can start all over again, since a) she's seeing someone else already (and I believe her) and most importantly b) she thinks it wouldn't work (she's probably right) ...

-I feel fortunate because, as I've said, I think this is (was) just a crush, perhaps I was desperately trying to get a hold of some part of the past, in this case 2007-09, maybe cuz I will hit the 30 yo mark in 2015 and I'm (uncounciosly?) trying to recapture memories and feelings of my 24-27 yo era... who knows?

fact is: right now I feel positively angry and rejected, and that's exactly what I wanted: when rejected, I get defensive and, perhaps ironically, my confidence bolsters (its been like that since I was a kid, not only in terms of love, but in every aspect of my life: school work, friendships, etc). In other words, the crush that made me feel weak, pathetic and nostalgic, has now turned into confidence and freedom to look into the future (yes, as luv4all said, plenty of fish in the barrel)

-make no mistake, today I'm STILL thinking about her, but not as much as the previous 10 days (not even close), and the romantic/tender/naive feelings are mostly gone already...perhaps only NOW she has truly become my "ex"...dead end, story finished, just a memory, move on man

I'M READY to leave my 22-28 yo love stories behind, ready to hit 30 and beyond; she has made me a HUGE favour, and I hope she truly finds happiness (I'm sure she will )

thanks again everybody , I normally don't make personal threads, but I swear I was feeling BAD, your advice has been unvaluable

[Edited 12/11/14 8:39am]

Glad that it has worked out to the point of where you now know where she stands in your life.

Spending time with other women is always the answer to these kind of problems for me.

When you meet someone new that you click with it's easier to stop thinking about the same damn person all the time.

novabrkr said:

Spending time with other women is always the answer to these kind of problems for me.

When you meet someone new that you click with it's easier to stop thinking about the same damn person all the time.

you've had this kind of problem? just askin'...

I'm kinda in the same place at the moment.

I'm single again and so is Londonboy.


We've been emailing about visiting each other.


And I'm back to were I was before.


Absolutely smitten and not reasonable at all.


I'll wait and see what happens. One thing I learned is that it's not something that can be controlled.

dJJ said:

I'm kinda in the same place at the moment.

I'm single again and so is Londonboy.


We've been emailing about visiting each other.


And I'm back to were I was before.


Absolutely smitten and not reasonable at all.


I'll wait and see what happens. One thing I learned is that it's not something that can be controlled.

so true...

hope you get past the pain soon

JoeTyler said:

novabrkr said:

Spending time with other women is always the answer to these kind of problems for me.

When you meet someone new that you click with it's easier to stop thinking about the same damn person all the time.

you've had this kind of problem? just askin'...

Yep. I've considered the same person "the one" for the last 8 years or so. She's moved to another country and I don't really see her too often (haven't seen her in over a year now). I'd dare to say that I've never met anyone that would be so obviously into me on her own right, but well, she's already got a kid with someone (that I don't think she's going to "leave for me").

When I'm not involved with anyone for longer periods of time she always comes back into my thoughts as there doesn't seem to be anything else occupying "her spot". Then I start thinking about her constantly, rolling on the bed for hours, thinking what I could message her on Facebook and so on. I also regularly have her appearing in my dreams.

I fell in love with her when I was 27 and I think that has a lot to do with it. You're not going to develop such deep feelings for anyone as easily when you're over 30. That's just what it's like in practical terms. It's not that I don't think my feelings for her "aren't real", but you have to understand that thinking about someone for years and years becomes a habit on its own right. Just like smoking, playing computer games too much, or whatever.

All I'm saying is that developing a crush on someone else should help you push that person out of your thoughts for a while at least. Not sure how just sleeping around could work in that regard for you, but it could be worth the try too.

[Edited 12/11/14 23:41pm]

novabrkr said:

JoeTyler said:

you've had this kind of problem? just askin'...

Yep. I've considered the same person "the one" for the last 8 years or so. She's moved to another country and I don't really see her too often (haven't seen her in over a year now). I'd dare to say that I've never met anyone that would be so obviously into me on her own right, but well, she's already got a kid with someone (that I don't think she's going to "leave for me").

When I'm not involved with anyone for longer periods of time she always comes back into my thoughts as there doesn't seem to be anything else occupying "her spot". Then I start thinking about her constantly, rolling on the bed for hours, thinking what I could message her on Facebook and so on. I also regularly have her appearing in my dreams.

I fell in love with her when I was 27 and I think that has a lot to do with it. You're not going to develop such deep feelings for anyone as easily when you're over 30. That's just what it's like in practical terms. It's not that I don't think my feelings for her "aren't real", but you have to understand that thinking about someone for years and years becomes a habit on its own right. Just like smoking, playing computer games too much, or whatever.

All I'm saying is that developing a crush on someone else should help you push that person out of your thoughts for a while at least. Not sure how just sleeping around could work in that regard for you, but it could be worth the try too.

wow, I feel you didn't know any of this...

the only advice I can give you right now is that perhaps, in time, she will get older-less pretty and you will see her with different eyes...

and yeah, seeing more people is always a good way to leave the crush behind, I guess I'll just have to look for women who have the face structure/body I like/fall for...

JoeTyler said:

dJJ said:

I'm kinda in the same place at the moment.

I'm single again and so is Londonboy.


We've been emailing about visiting each other.


And I'm back to were I was before.


Absolutely smitten and not reasonable at all.


I'll wait and see what happens. One thing I learned is that it's not something that can be controlled.

so true...

hope you get past the pain soon

I have no pain at all. I broke up with this guy I dated and I'm okay with it. I have no grief over it.

It's just that Londonboy also broke up with his girlfriend.

So, now we are both available again and are e-mailing a lot. And we'r trying to figure out when he can come to Amsterdam or I can go to London.

I'm just excited and very much afraid of what is going to happen. I don't know if we'll get back together again (I want to) and if it works out between us.

It's just that I have not really let him go when we broke up few years ago, and now we'r going to see what's going to happen.

dJJ said:

JoeTyler said:

so true...

hope you get past the pain soon

I have no pain at all. I broke up with this guy I dated and I'm okay with it. I have no grief over it.

It's just that Londonboy also broke up with his girlfriend.

So, now we are both available again and are e-mailing a lot. And we'r trying to figure out when he can come to Amsterdam or I can go to London.

I'm just excited and very much afraid of what is going to happen. I don't know if we'll get back together again (I want to) and if it works out between us.

It's just that I have not really let him go when we broke up few years ago, and now we'r going to see what's going to happen.

keep us posted

It seems we're all in a hell of a crush mess

databank said:

It seems we're all in a hell of a crush mess

And I haven't even shared mine!

I saw this man a while ago, and HAD to meet him!
I met him and we became friends.

I've poured my heart out to him, and we flirted with the idea of getting together, but it has never worked out that way.

We have both been in other relationships (I got engaged; he actually got married- now divorced), and have continued our friendship, but I don't think he realizes how much I still want to be with him more than anything...

I keep hoping I'll meet that person that will make me fall so hard I'll forget him.

chocolate1 said:

databank said:

It seems we're all in a hell of a crush mess

And I haven't even shared mine!

I saw this man a while ago, and HAD to meet him!
I met him and we became friends.

I've poured my heart out to him, and we flirted with the idea of getting together, but it has never worked out that way.

We have both been in other relationships (I got engaged; he actually got married- now divorced), and have continued our friendship, but I don't think he realizes how much I still want to be with him more than anything...

I keep hoping I'll meet that person that will make me fall so hard I'll forget him.

O dear (practicing my English a bit)

Horrible. You never know, mayby you'll get together.

Or meet somebody.

Thing is, it will never go according plan or expectations.

databank said:

It seems we're all in a hell of a crush mess

yeah

cmon everybody, share your crush experience with us, we'll help with the pain