I have this friend, who's around the same age as I am and who's never been with a man before. When I asked her why, she started to get all nervous then tried to change the subject. I took a hint, we got off the subject, but then later it come back up cuz we started talking about different kind of guys we like and I couldn't understand why she had never been with a guy before. Come to find out ... she finally fessed up and told me she was molested when she was little girl. More then once. She was moleseted by a family memember and somebody who was supposed to be a friend a family. I thought this was so sad, cuz I could see and hear the sadness in her voice. she told me that she had been wanting to be with a guy, but she couldn't get invovled with a guy because the trust between her and men was just destroyed at that point. So I'm thinking well, she must be gay, right... she's not gay, she can't stand women (except for me) for most of the time. Once again, like I said, she's a very beautiful woman, who would make a man happy someday, but I see her as a sad and lonely woman who's afraid to giver her heart to anybody, because of the trust issue that was destroyed when she was growing up.
I feel bad cuz I wish I could do something to help her, but I can't... YOu know I can't stand these grown men who prey on children, they don't understand how they destroyes lives all because of there own sexual/lustfuls desires.
I mean if this was somebody you all cared about what would you guys do, what would you all recomend?

There's not really much you can do except be there for her when she needs to talk, and continue being the great friend that you are.

Therapy, lots and lots of therapy.

About 80% of all women I have known, have at some point in there lives been molested or raped. And unfortunately, most of the guys who did it, got away with no punsihment. That's fuckin sick.

First off Lisa, you should feel very lucy that your friend trusts you enough to confide in you. From what I can gather it takes a helluva lot to come forward and get something like that of off your chest. Bravo to you for being a good enough friend to her.

What I would suggest is talking to her about it whenever the subject comes up, as getting it all off of her chest is a form of therapy. Don't be too pushy though, she'll tell you what she feels comfortable telling you.

I had an ex-girlfriend who was in a similar situation to your friend and she tried these things in order to deal with it

1) She contacted a counselor
2) She bought a book written by a "survivor" of abuse
3) She tried doing things such as writing imaginary letters to her abuser telling them how she felt
4) She considered reporting it to the Police


The best thing you can do right now is just be there for her and listen to her and help her get on with her life. It's important that there is a degree of normality between the two of you and that you continue doing all of the stuff that you done before she revealed her secret to her. Maybe buying her a book on the subject would be a nice gesture.

we have the same group of friends and most of our friends are guys, but when it comes to a relationship with a guy, she panics and just brush the guy off just like that, he's left wondering in the cold and lot of times i'm the one who's explain to these why she is the way she is, they think she's trying to be a bitch, but that ain't true she's just afraid

I think that you just being there for her to talk to will help her immensely. Be there for her, talk to her, help her get in touch with the right people for therapy, etc. But don't go to the point of helping your friend where it starts to drain your own energies. Know your limits as to what you can and can't do to help her and please realize there's nothing wrong with that. I for one am glad to have people like you in my own life.

It's hard to understand someone who's experienced this. I know two people, one male and one female, who have.

At times psychologically they can be very complicated, while other times the psychology is so simple to recognise.

I think it's typical for them to push away the people that care about them. It's a very difficult situation, I have the utmost sympathy for your friend, and for u.

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[This message was edited Tue Mar 18 12:37:47 PST 2003 by sawatdiikhrap]

I think it's really difficult to understand often why a victim such as this won't tell authorities about it, or if it's a family member who had subjected them to this, tell other members of the family. It's often just so hard to do because of the shockwaves it can send through a family.

I do think it's important for them to have somebody to talk to but I'd be careful not to be pushy at all. U can find yourself walking on eggshells and it seems u just have to be a friend with unlimited patience and understanding.

I have nearly given up trying to understand before, but u just have to try more. Victims of rape can seem extremely unreasonable and u may want to excuse their actions to other people for them, but that's not for u to talk about with them.

One of the hardest things has to be when the person who has done this to them is still walking around free as a bird, or even staying somewhere nearby. That is immensely difficult to take. I think it's an awful crime, and one which leaves its mark on a person for their whole life.

I try to be a good friend and give everything I have in patience and understanding and just an ear to listen to anything they want to say.

NovaAngel said:

Good advice right there...

I know one thing, it's never possible to forget. But, with every good feeling and good memory it gets pushed further and further away.

I don't know how u can help somebody to not dwell upon their painful memories, and I'm not even sure if this is the correct thing to do, but generally trying to make the person happy and help them have many new things in their life to put their energy into has to be a good thing.

Fucking hell, I hate those evil bastards that do this kind of thing. A victim is doing amazingly if they can live any life at all. It's a credit to the strength of these people that they get through day by day. I'm immensely proud of the people I know who've experienced this and will continue to do my utmost for as long as I can to give the best support that I can.

so are u trying to find a way to get her laid by losening up and not thinking about the intimacy involved or are u trying to get her to shed the cloak of distrust?


which is it or BOTH?

It seems that it's also quite common for victims of rape to react in the opposite way and regard love making as a purely physical act with no deeper worth to be enjoyed, thus leading them to regard their bodies with less value and result in them ending up in a spiral of casual sexual encounters. I can't really say this with authority, just something to consider while we're on this topic.

ScarLett said:

I just want the best for her you know, she's like a sister to me and I think part of enjoying life, is sharing it with others especailly when it comes to sharing it with somebody you in love with, regardless of the complicated problems that may occur. And she is such a virgin,she's never even kissed a guy people think something is wrong with her, but I'm understanding why she is the way she is, and it's stressful to me when people begin to make judgements upon her when they don't even know her, you know

DigitalLisa, I dated a guy who was molested by his grandfather as a young child. Now, as a 35-year-old man, he has experienced psychosexual havoc that I can't even begin to put into words. It not only ruined our relationship, but has rendered him both dangerously promiscuous and incapable of enjoying intimacy (physically or otherwise) on any level above a fleeting thrill. It's heartbreaking.

What you can best offer your friend is the willingness to learn about her resulting complexities and patience... extreme and utter patience. When/if she is ready to evolve from her defensive stance, a good, trusting friend will be a primary support. As she recognizes the healthiness of relationships on that Platonic level, it may facilitate her growth to engage positive relationships that are increasingly intimate.

DigitalLisa said:

humm, some are affected in ways that cannot be measured by drugs (perscription), counseling or even good friends..

i tell u this ... measure her up against society and all those sterotypes u hear and read about - is she akward in what way, is she overly athletic or sulky does she get along well with new people... seriously this helps..
and it will help u better understand what methods might help her... but be real don't look at her with the eyes of a beloved friend...once u understand that then u might want to ask around or pull searches on the internet about child sexual molestation and what forms later appear.. for instance promiscuity is highly suspect - but then again complete withdrawl is too, has she said whom was the perpetrator or is that too heavy? work her through it she is probably feeling that it was her fault,perhaps fears her families disapproval and denial, possibly using this as the crutch she needs to alienate herself from the prospect of violation...


sometymes u have to make the wound bleed again in order to deal with the venom thats locked with in... i wish ur friend much success its a fucked up road but one well worth traveled...

Paisley said:

I agree with Paisley...and get her into counseling or a support group at her own pace of course.

...and a dildo for Xmas!

DexMSR said:

She thinks it's all her fault for letting it happen and no matter how I try to convience her it's not her fault she don't want to listen, she beats herself up for being to trusting and naive about the whole situation and she's afraid to say something about it, because her the family member is pretty much a popular person in the family and she's more concerned for him then she herself ...

Meanwhile she's tourturing herself by not letting a man in her life and it's just sad sad sad sad
[This message was edited Tue Mar 18 23:07:05 PST 2003 by DigitalLisa]

You know this really makes me hate men sometimes

Bastards!!!
Be there for her. Talking will help but what she needs is a real man to understand her and take the time to heal her at her pace.
I hope it all works out
We are not all bastards you know
[This message was edited Wed Mar 19 0:20:37 PST 2003 by mdiver]

Sad,really sad,girls!

That's why castration needs to be given to these evil fucks.

EvilWhiteMale said:

I'd agree with this. They are truly evil. Some crimes I can understand. This is unfathomable and absolutely terrible.



Ruins lives.

I think what breaks a person most about it is the guilt you gotta live with, I mean it's almost unbearable even though this person might not have done anything to you, you still blame him for what somebody else did... its just a messed up situation

Yet all these sissies out there wanna provide help to these sick bastards, and try to treat them psychologically. It's so stupid.

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[This message was edited Thu Mar 20 0:39:41 PST 2003 by nickandmon]

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[This message was edited Thu Mar 20 0:40:04 PST 2003 by nickandmon]

nickandmon said:

that is really sad.

nickandmon said: