What's best about this story is that you saw the signs and acted on them by getting the hell out.

Bought the shirt, puked on the seats and pissed on the Christmas tree. Been through it ALL.

And he was in denial about it. He said that if I made him happy, he would not have to drink so much anymore.

That enraged me, so I did tell him that his alcoholism was by no means my responsebility, nor related to anything I did.

That was another thing of him, he tended to make other people responsible for his own actions.

I realize now that I made the right call.

Yeah absolutely. He was accusing you of driving him to drink, just by being yourself. That's messed up.

I've always been told addiction is really "continued use despite negative consequences" regardless of what, or how much, or how bad the consequences are. This guy's negative consequence was relationship problems. He handled it about as badly as possible.

You doged a bullet. Congratulations. Good luck with the next one.

bobzilla77 said:

And he was in denial about it. He said that if I made him happy, he would not have to drink so much anymore.

That enraged me, so I did tell him that his alcoholism was by no means my responsebility, nor related to anything I did.

That was another thing of him, he tended to make other people responsible for his own actions.

I realize now that I made the right call.

Yeah absolutely. He was accusing you of driving him to drink, just by being yourself. That's messed up.

I've always been told addiction is really "continued use despite negative consequences" regardless of what, or how much, or how bad the consequences are. This guy's negative consequence was relationship problems. He handled it about as badly as possible.

You doged a bullet. Congratulations. Good luck with the next one.

Yeah, he got angry with me that I broke up.

It wasn't just the drinking btw, but that was the most important issue for me.

We had talked about it and he said he would never go to AA. He had been there before, and he said that when he is good, he doesn't need to drink. Ergo, when I stayed in his life, he was good, and thus he did not need to drink.


He said that I breached his trust because a 'normal' woman would not run away from problems. They would help their partner and solve and overcome problems.

So, he does not make the connection between his drinking and me ending our relationship. He blames me, for not wanting to spend my life with an alcoholic and being responsible for his drinking.

The most horrible thing is, that he probably will find a woman who he can play this emotional blackmail on. A woman who will adopt his idea that she is responsible for his well being.

Woman will be the guilty one when he does not feel happy.

Lord, I'm glad I got out in time.

JoeTyler said:

sexton said:

That sounds like a lot to me.

that's def an addiction

I know dutch/germans drink like animals, but that's an addiction

Yes, I've been trying to find a man I love and who is not an alcoholic.

Not have managed in the past 20 years.

dJJ said:

So, I just broke up with a man, for several reasons, but the main reason was his drinking.

I thought he drinks too much and is dependent. He disagreed.

I did not make a big fuzz about it, I just broke up.



So, what do you guys think is normal or too much?

He drank one bottle of wine an evening and several during the weekend. Plus beers.

One bottle of wine a day is alcoholism, there's no doubt about it.

Now...

Was it just a phase (I did it sometimes back in the days but it would never last more than a couple of weeks and then I'd stop, and I wasn't denying that my excesses were excesses when I was having them)?

Was his behavior modified in a bad way (agressivity, sadness or just plain dumbness) when he wuz drinking?

Because basically how much of an issue this was depends on details, but unless it was a short phase an alcoholic he was, no question.

databank said:

dJJ said:

So, I just broke up with a man, for several reasons, but the main reason was his drinking.

I thought he drinks too much and is dependent. He disagreed.

I did not make a big fuzz about it, I just broke up.



So, what do you guys think is normal or too much?

He drank one bottle of wine an evening and several during the weekend. Plus beers.

One bottle of wine a day is alcoholism, there's no doubt about it.

Now...

Was it just a phase (I did it sometimes back in the days but it would never last more than a couple of weeks and then I'd stop, and I wasn't denying that my excesses were excesses when I was having them)?

Was his behavior modified in a bad way (agressivity, sadness or just plain dumbness) when he wuz drinking?

Because basically how much of an issue this was depends on details, but unless it was a short phase an alcoholic he was, no question.

I'm not sure.


He claims it was an episode, instignated by the divorce he had been going trough the last 1,5 year.

So, he might be rigth.

On the other hand, his fights with his wife were also about his alcohol use.

To me, he was never agressive. I made it very clear that I don't tolerate shouting or calling me names. He and his ex-wife shouted at eachother and he named his wife horrible things in front of his children. I did influence him positively, by advising him to only communicate by mail with her and restrain from talking about sensitive topics when picking up the children.

Well, I have stopped all contact, so I guess it's all water under the bridge by now.


And maybe I was to quick to judge. And yes, he is going trough a tough phase. But on the other hand, isn't it better for him to go trough that tough phase alone?

Because on his own, he has the time and space to find out who he really is and what he really wants in life.

Or is this just me trying to find an excuse for myself for being harsh???

Slave2daGroove said:

What's best about this story is that you saw the signs and acted on them by getting the hell out.

Bought the shirt, puked on the seats and pissed on the Christmas tree. Been through it ALL.

Indeed.


Some people call it fear of commitment.

I call it common sense and self protection.

dJJ said:

databank said:

One bottle of wine a day is alcoholism, there's no doubt about it.

Now...

Was it just a phase (I did it sometimes back in the days but it would never last more than a couple of weeks and then I'd stop, and I wasn't denying that my excesses were excesses when I was having them)?

Was his behavior modified in a bad way (agressivity, sadness or just plain dumbness) when he wuz drinking?

Because basically how much of an issue this was depends on details, but unless it was a short phase an alcoholic he was, no question.

I'm not sure.


He claims it was an episode, instignated by the divorce he had been going trough the last 1,5 year.

So, he might be rigth.

On the other hand, his fights with his wife were also about his alcohol use.

To me, he was never agressive. I made it very clear that I don't tolerate shouting or calling me names. He and his ex-wife shouted at eachother and he named his wife horrible things in front of his children. I did influence him positively, by advising him to only communicate by mail with her and restrain from talking about sensitive topics when picking up the children.

Well, I have stopped all contact, so I guess it's all water under the bridge by now.


And maybe I was to quick to judge. And yes, he is going trough a tough phase. But on the other hand, isn't it better for him to go trough that tough phase alone?

Because on his own, he has the time and space to find out who he really is and what he really wants in life.

Or is this just me trying to find an excuse for myself for being harsh???

U gotta think of urself. If u weren't comfy with that u were right 2 run away, period. That's not being harsh, that's self preservation. + if he had a history of agressive behavior it'd probably have surfaced with u sooner or later. + saying it's just a phase is fine when u've done it and quit before. Now I know I can be an alcoholic for 2 weeks or 2 months and stop all of a sudden when I'm bored with it and wanna move to the next phase, because I've done it several times, but it's not so easy for most people.

So fuck the guilt. If the dude wasn't 4 u there's no guilt to have, it's ur life.

dJJ said:

Better to have fear of commitment than to be stuck in a bad relationship!

SuperSoulFighter said:

A limited amount of red wine is actually good for your health, but then we're talking about 1-2 glasses a day, not bottles! If this guy isn't willing to cut down the drinking, then yes, you've made the right decision.

More than one glas a day is too much. And even then it's not healthy to drink just one glas EVERY day. There should be at least 3 days a week without alcohol consumption.

Slave2daGroove said:

What's best about this story is that you saw the signs and acted on them by getting the hell out.

Bought the shirt, puked on the seats and pissed on the Christmas tree. Been through it ALL.