absolutely! same applies. the betrayal leaves a nasty taste, setting up new lover & new life before dropping the bombshell to those that should mean more to you than anything else.. unforgivable imo.

if he had the balls to get out of the relationship without the betrayal then i could respect that. sadly it doesn't happen this way very often. i think women who have affairs & leave their families are even more disgusting

PurpleJedi said:

JustErin said:

If this is too personal, don't answer and I apologize for asking...but did you guys go to counselling first - you talked about it on here a lot, just do not remember all the details.

(You're asking me, right?)
Unfortunately we didn't go to counseling BEFORE the relationship collapsed.

By the time I sought counseling, (when the affair came to light) it was too late. Our therapist point-blank asked us why we waited so long, then told us (actually me more specifically) that we should seek therapy not as a means to fix the marriage primarily, but rather as a means to fix our own personal issues and then perhaps our paths would lead back to each other.

But by that time the ex was on a different path entirely.

That's why I so strongly recommend therapy. If you deal with the problems with the aid of a professional who can temper emotions and provide unbiased advice, you're more likely to succeed IF the relationship can be salvaged.

The reason why I mentioned the fact that feelings change is; my ex was completely 100% confident in her desire to move on. Her deeds proved as much, and my pleas for reconsideration were ignored.
Fast-forward 2 ½ years...the grass was NOT as green as she imagined on the other side. She began confiding certain things to me - completely out of the blue - which I'm guessing was a thinly veiled fishing expedition.

But as I said...feelings change. 4 years ago (my GOD how time flies!!!) I would've done anything and everything to save my marriage. Now...I've got IMAGO-I'm good. That door is closed (to use the words used on me). I suggested that she move to Florida with her folks & start anew...something which I'm sure she wasn't thinking I'd ever feel let alone say. In fact, I silently wept at the fact that I could say it myself.

Anyway...not to derail this thread...the gist of it is; don't give up so soon & so fast. A new relationship is fresh...clean...exciting...intoxicating. But when reality hits, the shit smells just as stinky on one side as it does the other.

Mandingo - don't let that cloud your judgement.

There I fixed for you!

All jokes aside great post PJ.

lust said:

My two cents is....

You only get one shot at life and too many couples stay together for thier kids and lead miserable lives because of it. And did that makes the kids happy anyway? Sure they get both parents at home but the loveless relationship they see everyday will likely be thier point of reference later in life.

Yes, your kid comes first, absoultely and your kid will be devasated but WILL get over it and adjust a lot quicker than you think. My parents split when I was 5 and I remember bad times at first but have turned out fine, have great relationships with both of them as they do with eachother.

Don't consign your entire life to a loveless misery just to protect you kid from a few months of upheavel.

How bad it affects your kid also depends on how you two deal with eachother. If you can avoid the anger and hatred and come across with respect for eachother it will smooth the way.

Maybe the new life doesn't work out either but you gotta take the chance.

I'll add to that:

The kids have their parents as role models to base their future relationships on. If all they see is hostility and passive aggressive snide remarks from one to the other, and grow up in a super-tense environment, what chance do they have to do this?

lust said:

Mandingo said:

Thank you. I agree and I have a fear of being older in a loveless limbo of a marriage. I really need to take a chance. But again going back to original question..what do u say to ur wife of 10 years when u want out?

Without the serial cheating as an issue, I agree, that would be very hard to do but it seems easy to me. . Sit down, hold her hands, look into her eyes and say "Hun, I've really tried for all of us but now that the dust has settled I know that I can't move past what has happened. It's hurt me too much and i just feel numbness between us. I think we both need to move on for all of our sakes. The most important factor is little Nate (if it's a boy) so we must maintain a good relationship to make it easier on him. It will be hard at first for all of us but we'll all get past it and be able to lead happier lives and still be part of each others lives hopefully. I'm going to stay at mum's for a few days then we'll come together and talk this through some more" Stand up, tenderly kiss her cheek and then make like Tempest said. And maybe spend that few days alone before you start afresh. Also, you must keep new girl a secret for at least 6 months otherwise things will get nasty and that will affect Nate.

Wow. thank you.

I may use those exact words.

Truth is I was aiming to tell my wife before end of January. then i was going to announce my new love on valentine's day. Too soon?

Again though, thank you so much for the words. They say all i feel and want to convey.

daingermouz2020 said:

If you want to leave your wife for her messing around thats one thing but leaving her for a mistress beware. Ive always believe any woman who cheats with me will cheat on me. I assume she knows you are married. If you hook up with her she knows what you are capable of.

I am in a loveless sexless marriage wuith a serial cheater and mental abuser.

So am I supposed to not ever try to find happiness?

I say it again, I am not leaving her for someone else, my new love is a bonus. And she is NOT my mistress, she is my Queen.

[Edited 1/13/14 3:12am]

SUPRMAN said:

Mandingo said:

daingermouz2020 said: Just to clarify. I started buying the new house and planning to leave months b4 I met my new love. Also my new woman believes I live at home but am separated. Which is fhe truth. Why should a paper in a registry office dictate my life n future?

Because you signed it.

Yes but she broke the terms of the contract rendering it null and void and quite frankly bullshit.

Shawy89 said:

Man

If I were you I'd fuck many girls including the 14/10 chick, just get everything out of my heart, and then when I feel that I'm equal with my wife, I'd confront her with her cheating, and I'd say that I will get over that because of our child, not speak to her for like 40 days and then go on in this life like it never happened, and If you don't like your wife's personality that's your fault cuz you married someone you never made sure you'd suffer problems with. Divorce will just fuck everything up, like I said, fuck some good pussy, fuck it real hard, and then go back to your wife... Equality is happiness my friend

Thank you. But that is just not me. I guess I am a 'hopeful romantic'

excited said:

stop blaming your wife, you're worse than she is running out on your family like a sneaky rat!

What?

lust said:

Would everyone here who claims Mndigo is the bad guy guy for wanting to leave his serial cheating wife be giving the same advice to a woman who shared her life with a serial cheating male? Just asking!

Exactly. Thank you.

I can see how this is going to go. Because I am the man and i am doing the leaving I will be demonised for the breakdown of the marriage.

Have you ever been in love with a woman and given her your all just for her to turn around and call you a loser and say you are not a real man. Why? Because even though I have awell paid job that can support a family, she has spent the marriage in nightclubs around so called ballers and shot callers.

Of course my life will not look as glamaourous as those millionaires she hangs with but she did get the 2 holidays a year, cars, clothes, bills paid, spending money and all the attention, compliments, love, sex, protection (been in so many fights over her), career help and everything else a man can possibly do for his woman. I became a glorified nanny looking after my own kid whilst she'sd go to clubs in short skirts and heels till 5am 3 nights a week. I was a doormat, a cuckold, a fool in love and I am SICK of it and trying to save this marriage with someone who sees a man with money over a man with family values and morals.

I don't feel like I am cheating because when she let those guys put her on all fours and ram their useless pricks up inside her she made the decision that the marriage was over not me.

Listen,

The way I see it is that she wasn't happy in our marriage. Obviously. But RATHER than coming to me to sort it out and ebven ending it she chose to put me on trial with other men. When she and those other guys lay in bed after fucking talking about what she should do and how washed up as a man I was she was putting my life and the life of my kid on trial without either of us being there to defend ourself, argue our case or try to save the marriage.

She ruined the marriage, not me. Let her burn.

RodeoSchro said:

Forget about the amateur psychologists on this board and go into the real world and find professional help and counseling.

Good luck.

Best comment in the whole thread. To a lot of the other comments in here:

lust said:

Would everyone here who claims Mndigo is the bad guy guy for wanting to leave his serial cheating wife be giving the same advice to a woman who shared her life with a serial cheating male? Just asking!

who the fuck comes to a midget site for marital counselin anyway.

"water seeks it's own level" i didn't bother readin whatever his/her claim

about the situation is in their marriage. if they put it up in GD, most likely

it was to make the other look bad, and them seem the victim. FUCK 'EM BOTH

(you say it's a wife) the bitch prolly doin the best thing for herself. fuckin

with non pussy mothafuckas that handle they shit like a man IN THE REAL WORLD

instead of a whinny bitch on a website...

TypoQueen said:

Always 2 sides to every story so I feel I can not comment on the adult relationship fairly. What I will comment on is this child will become damaged, if not already damaged. Remember children see and hear everything! You both need to grow up. All adults concerned should not air dirty laundry in front of the innocent one(child).Child should never become a pawn. Both adults need to sit down and converse with out child being around. Come up with a written plan, both agreeing the best interests for the child. Eg: housing, financial, visiting rights for ALL adults including eg: grandparents etc. Agree to keep child in same school and after school clubs so child can feel secure and keep current friendships. If you both can not come to an agreement then both of you seek counselling, legal advice. But at ALL times keep child out of adults buisness. Hopefully after doing all the above, you both agree whats in childs best intrests and become sensible adults. Ideally it would be best if you BOTH can sit down with child and say something like: You both care for each other and love child very much but just now you BOTH feel you can not live with each other. Tell child that its life style will not change, child will live in same house, go to same school, that child will see both of you equally and that both of you will be there for child 24/7 etc. Never lie to child, be honest and ALLWAYS keep promises. BOTH of you make sure Child doesn't blame its self. My thought are with the innocent child.

3 sides...

mine

their's

and the truth

Just to get the facts straight here, am I correct to conlude that:

You are lying to your wife, saying that you are working on your marriage to get together, whilst you are not. In fact you are already in a different relationship and bought a new house. So you have no intention at all to go back to your wife.

You are lying to your child, in the same manner. Your child thinks that you are willing to get back together with his mother, so you can all be a family again. In reality you are all ready set go for a life with somebody else.

You are lying to your girlfriend. She thinks you and your wife are busy with the divorce and it's just a matter of weeks/months before your divorce is final. She does not know that you told your wife that you are working to get back together with your wife.


You are lying to yourself. You tell yourself that you are not to blame for all kind of wrongs in your marriage, but that it's all your wife's fault. You act as if you were just a bystander in your own marriage, and that you are just the victim.

You lie to yourself that it's okay to lie to your child, to your wife and to the woman you are currently in a relationship with.


So, what do want from us? Aproval for all your lying?

Telling you that nothing is your responsebility and that it's all the fault of your wife?

Another question:

Why do you care what other people and friends think of you?

If they choose stay friends with your wife, than they are not your friends anyway, rigth?

Mandingo said:

lust said:

Would everyone here who claims Mndigo is the bad guy guy for wanting to leave his serial cheating wife be giving the same advice to a woman who shared her life with a serial cheating male? Just asking!

Exactly. Thank you.

I can see how this is going to go. Because I am the man and i am doing the leaving I will be demonised for the breakdown of the marriage.

Have you ever been in love with a woman and given her your all just for her to turn around and call you a loser and say you are not a real man. Why? Because even though I have awell paid job that can support a family, she has spent the marriage in nightclubs around so called ballers and shot callers.

Of course my life will not look as glamaourous as those millionaires she hangs with but she did get the 2 holidays a year, cars, clothes, bills paid, spending money and all the attention, compliments, love, sex, protection (been in so many fights over her), career help and everything else a man can possibly do for his woman. I became a glorified nanny looking after my own kid whilst she'sd go to clubs in short skirts and heels till 5am 3 nights a week. I was a doormat, a cuckold, a fool in love and I am SICK of it and trying to save this marriage with someone who sees a man with money over a man with family values and morals.

I don't feel like I am cheating because when she let those guys put her on all fours and ram their useless pricks up inside her she made the decision that the marriage was over not me.

Listen,

The way I see it is that she wasn't happy in our marriage. Obviously. But RATHER than coming to me to sort it out and ebven ending it she chose to put me on trial with other men. When she and those other guys lay in bed after fucking talking about what she should do and how washed up as a man I was she was putting my life and the life of my kid on trial without either of us being there to defend ourself, argue our case or try to save the marriage.

She ruined the marriage, not me. Let her burn.

Wow.

Something tells me you're at the point of no return.

Good luck with everything. Keep your child at the forefront of your decisions. Don't use the kid against each other. Child support is an obligation.

I say that because there's obvious anger within you...it's natural...so try to approach the coming tide of upheavel with a clear & level head.

KingBAD said:

Mandingo said:

Stymie said:

TypoQueen said:

KingBAD said:

3 sides...

mine

their's

and the truth

Aww the lovely naughty king bad I hope ur doing mighty fine Stymie Two beutifull souls xx

Mandingo said:

SUPRMAN said:

Because you signed it.

Yes but she broke the terms of the contract rendering it null and void and quite frankly bullshit.

Breaking the terms of a contract does not render it null and void.

That's why you can sue. If it were null and void, how would a court put it back together?

Since you can't be made whole, a divorce removes both parties from the contract. That marriage certificate doesn't come out of the books because you are divorced. It's only set aside.

You are both violating the contract and your excuse is 'she did it first!' So what you found the love of your life by cheating. Doesn't erase the contractual violation that comes with it.

Ginuwine's, "What's So Different?" comes to mind. lncluding the Godzilla sample.

dJJ said:

Just to get the facts straight here, am I correct to conlude that:

You are lying to your wife, saying that you are working on your marriage to get together, whilst you are not. In fact you are already in a different relationship and bought a new house. So you have no intention at all to go back to your wife.

You are lying to your child, in the same manner. Your child thinks that you are willing to get back together with his mother, so you can all be a family again. In reality you are all ready set go for a life with somebody else.

You are lying to your girlfriend. She thinks you and your wife are busy with the divorce and it's just a matter of weeks/months before your divorce is final. She does not know that you told your wife that you are working to get back together with your wife.


You are lying to yourself. You tell yourself that you are not to blame for all kind of wrongs in your marriage, but that it's all your wife's fault. You act as if you were just a bystander in your own marriage, and that you are just the victim.

You lie to yourself that it's okay to lie to your child, to your wife and to the woman you are currently in a relationship with.


So, what do want from us? Aproval for all your lying?

Telling you that nothing is your responsebility and that it's all the fault of your wife?

Oh my goodness. everything you just said is true. oh my goodness!!!!!!!!!

ThisOne said:

Your wife does NOT have a good life that's why she cheated She had sex with other men to fill a void that existed in your relationship I hope she works out that sex is not the answer and meets someone who will love her and treat her right I hope your Child is always happy and not scarred for life as a result of her parents using sex to resolve their issues I hope your child gets to live a happy life! At first I felt sorry for u - now I think u r just a tosser!!!

Good advice. Tosser? Me? Strange how I am already the villain in all this. A sign of things to come perhaps?

Mandingo said:

dJJ said:

Just to get the facts straight here, am I correct to conlude that:

You are lying to your wife, saying that you are working on your marriage to get together, whilst you are not. In fact you are already in a different relationship and bought a new house. So you have no intention at all to go back to your wife.

You are lying to your child, in the same manner. Your child thinks that you are willing to get back together with his mother, so you can all be a family again. In reality you are all ready set go for a life with somebody else.

You are lying to your girlfriend. She thinks you and your wife are busy with the divorce and it's just a matter of weeks/months before your divorce is final. She does not know that you told your wife that you are working to get back together with your wife.


You are lying to yourself. You tell yourself that you are not to blame for all kind of wrongs in your marriage, but that it's all your wife's fault. You act as if you were just a bystander in your own marriage, and that you are just the victim.

You lie to yourself that it's okay to lie to your child, to your wife and to the woman you are currently in a relationship with.


So, what do want from us? Aproval for all your lying?

Telling you that nothing is your responsebility and that it's all the fault of your wife?

Oh my goodness. everything you just said is true. oh my goodness!!!!!!!!!

Based on your intentions and feelings, you might be convinced you are the good guy.

Based on your behavior and how you treat those you love, there seems to be some discrepancy between your positive self image and the reality.


The only person you can change is yourself.

You can't change others and you can't change the world.

And the only person who can save you, is yourself. Your wife and your girlfriend both have their own life to manage and they have to save themselves. You can't expect them to make you happy or save your ass.

Wish you the best and I hope for your kid that you will start counseling.

Mandingo said:

ThisOne said:

Your wife does NOT have a good life that's why she cheated She had sex with other men to fill a void that existed in your relationship I hope she works out that sex is not the answer and meets someone who will love her and treat her right I hope your Child is always happy and not scarred for life as a result of her parents using sex to resolve their issues I hope your child gets to live a happy life! At first I felt sorry for u - now I think u r just a tosser!!!

Good advice. Tosser? Me? Strange how I am already the villain in all this. A sign of things to come perhaps?

Try to stay away from your old pattern of playing the innocent victim.

It will not help you one iota, let alone anybody else involved.

Start owning up to your own situation and man up.

Stop lying to everybody around you and yourself is a good start.

while u do need to be careful of your child and how you navigate thru this divorce .. the excuses you give yourself as to why you lie wont improve your life at all .. as for playing the victim or taking responsibility for HER adultery .. lets be clear .. your wife is a ho .. dump her smartly and compassionately and take good care of your child .. but do NOT take the blame for her bullshit .. dont listen to this garbage that people say you weren't doing something right and that is why she cheated .. that is just women sticking up for women who treat men like garbage .. get out .. get a lawyer .. pay your child support and see your kid .. be smart not emotional and dont make stupid excuses to string both women along .. a ho is a ho .. nothing will ever change that .. time to move on

TrevorAyer said:

while u do need to be careful of your child and how you navigate thru this divorce .. the excuses you give yourself as to why you lie wont improve your life at all .. as for playing the victim or taking responsibility for HER adultery .. lets be clear .. your wife is a ho .. dump her smartly and compassionately and take good care of your child .. but do NOT take the blame for her bullshit .. dont listen to this garbage that people say you weren't doing something right and that is why she cheated .. that is just women sticking up for women who treat men like garbage .. get out .. get a lawyer .. pay your child support and see your kid .. be smart not emotional and dont make stupid excuses to string both women along .. a ho is a ho .. nothing will ever change that .. time to move on

dJJ said:

Mandingo said:

Good advice. Tosser? Me? Strange how I am already the villain in all this. A sign of things to come perhaps?

Try to stay away from your old pattern of playing the innocent victim.

It will not help you one iota, let alone anybody else involved.

Start owning up to your own situation and man up.

Stop lying to everybody around you and yourself is a good start.

I admit to lying to those around me. But have not lied to myself. 1. I do want to go 2. I do want my new woman 3. I didn't until I started this thread see anything wrong with what I have been doing. I do now admit to going about this the wrong way and not seeing that I am being as bad as she was being. Thank you all for that. Even the negative comments helped. They woke me up.

Again not trying to sound like the victim here but let me tell you a little about what happened.

So we married quite young. She had not got the clubbing and flirting out of her system. So throughout our biggest argument was her excessive partying and inappropriate dealings with male friends i.e strip clubs, staying at their house with her girls, coming home 5am (and later) with a dozen roses and bottles of Moet, Dom P vintage & Ace of Spades, found rubbers in her underwear drawer, purse etc and generally acting very single. Not as a wife, not as a mother, not even as a friend, just single. Would not be uncommon to not see or hear from her when she left work then for her to come home at 3am. If I ask where she was she's say "out". If I demand to know she'd say "I don't have to tell you". If I try and reason she just goes silent. If I get aggressive she plays the victim and calls the police (I have been arrested at least four times for nothing more than raising my voice) and if I am softly softly she actually calls me a loser and I quote "a pussy"

So after 12 years of this and spending countless nights at home looking at the clock at 4am wondering where my wife is, why she hasn't phoned, why her phone always goes to voicemail.

12 years of 3-5 days a week watching her putting on make-up in the bathroom and short tight dresses and heels, making excuses why I couldn't come to or why she didn't want me to take her out.

12 years of finding social network messages, love letters, texts, condoms (we never use them), gifts for men (that I never receive), overhearing her talking to men as soon as I leave the house.

10 years of being the only parent to collect my child from school, tuck them in at bedtime and make their breakfast as she stumbles in sometimes at 7am.

10 years of being the only parent at parent's evening when my kid needs to be congratulated on great school work, at school sports days, trips to cinema, family events (she was always sleeping off the night before), only one to take my kid to birthday parties, museums or even in the beginning as the only parent bothered enough to make the child's milk.

I have been married but lived as a single man, had a wife but been left lying in a an empty bed, my child has a mother but it feels like a one parent family.

Now I admit that I am not blameless. Quite frankly I can be a cunt sometimes. I am narcissistic, competitive, vain, not always empathetic, have tendencies to not be patient and have issues with my dad who was and still is the world's biggest playa. He broke my Mom's heart when I was inside her.

But, I do have qualities. I am resposible, fun, generous, reliable, very very romantic, thoughtful, respectful to the best of my ability, sexy (You should see this tall hunk of man you've been typing to), openmided, interesting, faithful and most of all WAS genuinely and unconditionally in love with my wife.

Now after being Mr doormat, Mr cuckold, Mr haha he doesn't know, Mr I'll be home late hubby, I will be out with the girls, Mr why do you want to know why I am out you are not my dad

Now that God almighty, the universe, karma, fate or whatever other deity or force you pray to has deemed it appropriate that I can now be happy. Maybe one chance, perhaps my last chance.

Now after so many years I have the opportunity to find real love, a real home and a real sense of bliss. People say I am a bastard for leaving? What?

Wish you had seen me a few months ago, taking high doses of citalopram just to stop the constant obsessive thoughts of my wife with other men, The lying in bed with a pillow over my head until 2 in the afternoon, the crying in the bathroom and telling my kid that daddy is cutting his nails or some other excuse, the not shaving or washing or cutting my hair or eating or exercising or even the over eating and bottle after bottle of any alcohol I could lay my hands on including alcohol rub. The allowing people to yell at me, touch me, laugh at me and ridicule me because i felt NO self worth and frankly at one point wanted to die. And I don't mean that as a euphemism. I wanted to end my sorry, useless, cheated on, lower than every other man on earth, ugly, loser, worthless life. Ireally did. I spent hours thinking about it and sometimes minutes trying to pluck up the courage to do it.

I didn't though.

I started eating properly again, went back to work, went out with friends and took 100% interest in parenting again. I found myself again.

Then one day I wasn't ebven looking and she was there. we spoke, it felt so real, so flawless and effortless. I felt this thing in my chest and at first didn't recognise it because it had been so long since I felt it.

It was happiness.

I don't expect sympathy or for anyone to understand but i will not leave my woman and i will not go back to my cheating wife.

I will go forward and be happy. Now it is time for my child and me to take priority in my life. Someday I pray my new woman will be a part of that family.

It's pure, it's beautiful, it's all I ever wanted.

I won't post again on this thread. It's dead. But it has given me life.

Thank you, bless you all. It's funny, we can see inspiration and direction in the most unexpected places..Prince.org..wow, who would ever have thought it would have the answers X