Not sure how but know I have to & soon.

I have met someone new but I decided to go a long time ago when last May I discovered my wife had cheated on me numerous times throughout our 12 year relationship

I am now in the final stages of buying a house but still haven't told her I am going. Not told my kid either. My kid is 9.

My new woman is so understanding, never gets angry or shitty with me. she's the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and the best lover I ever had.

Thing is it's such a bummer to leave home like this..

Cosiderations:

1. I leave and it doesn't work out with my new woman. I am all alone.

2. I leave and my kid sees me as the bad guy. I never cheated.

3. How much money is my soon to be ex wife going to want?

4. How will my kid be not seeing me every morning/night

5. Will I lose mutual friends who will choose sides?

Right now my life is the happiest & most confusing it's EVER been.

Last year I suffered from serious depression on discovering the affairs. My wife even had an abortion for one guy. I was off work for ages and lost my self esteem, lust for life and really spent alot of money on things to distract me. alot.

It was like there was no hope, no tomorrow, no joy left and that the past joys were all an illusion born from lies.

Now every day feels new, beautiful and hopeful. I look forward to a life with my new woman but despite what she has done I do not want to hurt my wife and definitely not my kid, or my family or her's.

"Everybody said, everybody said we should never part..I guess they thought we looked kinda cute 2gether"

One last consideration:

6. My wife is very beautiful. She is a 10 definitely... but..My woman now is off the scale, she is probably a 14/10. My wife suffers from insecurity issues, hence the affair (partly).

So I know my wife will HATE my new woman when she sees just how beautiful she is..

I also don't want this to turn into my wife saying we broke up because of my new woman. NO WE DIDN'T! I didn't even know her when I found out about the affair. My new woamn is not the cause of me wanting to leave. My wife sucking other men's dicks and opening her legs so they can cum inside her is the reason I am going.

Plus I don't want my kid to resent my new woman.

As far as my wife knows we are trying again. But we don't have sex or even sleep in the same room.

How do I leave a 12 year relationship. Rhett Butler's exit in Gone with the wind just won't cut it

[Edited 1/10/14 3:46am]

So pretty much every concern you have is all about you.

I'm confused, you say you have never cheated but your mistress is the best lover you've ever had?

I'm a strong believer of getting out of destructive relationships but because you have a child you need to make sure his best interest is at the forefront of every move you make.

To get out you need to be completely honest and just be willing to deal with any fall out that may happen.

1st thing I will say is .... the ONLY person that matters is your 9 year old child!

You have done no better than your wife by cheating on her... Doesnt matter if she did it 1st or not...

So with those 2 things said, I say just end it now... Do it as nice as possible but stringing your wife along as you are is just cruel...

You also may want to "rethink" how awesome your "new love" is... She knows your married and has no problem sleeping with you.. Doesnt say much for her character...

I say get out of the relationship"S" and start fresh...Otherwise It is going to be a never ending cycle

Again, let me repeat myself... The only person that matters right now is your 9 year old!! he/she should not have to suffer for his/her parents lack of self control and good judgement...

There is no way this story is real but if it is, you are a major asshole.

JustErin said:

So pretty much every concern you have is all about you.

I'm confused, you say you have never cheated but your mistress is the best lover you've ever had?

I'm a strong believer of getting out of destructive relationships but because you have a child you need to make sure his best interest is at the forefront of every move you make.

To get out you need to be completely honest and just be willing to deal with any fall out that may happen.

No. my main concern is my kid.

My concern for myself is even about my kid. when i was depressed I found it very hard to do even basic parenting. not good. So yes, i do have to look after myself in order to look after my child,

being honest is the easy part. It is how I am honest that is the problem.

What do I say? it's been so many months since we got back together but now I don't feel for my wife as a husband should. I just want out but the words fail me...

Stymie said:

There is no way this story is real but if it is, you are a major asshole.

It actually is, so I guess I am. Glad i never posted any info. that may identify me with comments like that. Thanks for your input, bless you, continue your journey & be well.

tinaz said:

1st thing I will say is .... the ONLY person that matters is your 9 year old child!

You have done no better than your wife by cheating on her... Doesnt matter if she did it 1st or not...

So with those 2 things said, I say just end it now... Do it as nice as possible but stringing your wife along as you are is just cruel...

You also may want to "rethink" how awesome your "new love" is... She knows your married and has no problem sleeping with you.. Doesnt say much for her character...

I say get out of the relationship"S" and start fresh...Otherwise It is going to be a never ending cycle

Again, let me repeat myself... The only person that matters right now is your 9 year old!! he/she should not have to suffer for his/her parents lack of self control and good judgement...

Good point re: cheating but it so doesn't feel like cheating when my wife destroyed our marriage by doing what she did with at least four differnt guys she's admitted to so far (I don't even want to know anymore)

Why on earth would i leave my new love? She is hope, she is light & life. She is my future (hopefully).

Plus you are wrong. She has a HUGE problem with me still being married and can't wait for me to leave and not physically be in the matrimonial home. She has a beautiful character, honest and generous.

My child will take it bad. My kid loves me, loves Mummy but most of all loves mummy, themself & me being together. Most of my kid's friend's are from 1 parent homes or step-parent homes and my child has said in the past that this is not what they want.

Breaks my heart but what a waste of life (and love) if I stay. I say.

Mandingo said:

It seems you know exactly what you want to do... I dont know what you are asking then... Any advice you are going to get you are not going to like because people are going to be honest... Stop trying to reconcile you and your mistress's behaviours to us...

Im not trying to be mean or bitchy but it is what it is... We are speaking the truth and you dont like it, noone ever does... Good luck to you in whatever you decide...









sp edit

[Edited 1/10/14 5:37am]

Mandingo said:

JustErin said:

So pretty much every concern you have is all about you.

I'm confused, you say you have never cheated but your mistress is the best lover you've ever had?

I'm a strong believer of getting out of destructive relationships but because you have a child you need to make sure his best interest is at the forefront of every move you make.

To get out you need to be completely honest and just be willing to deal with any fall out that may happen.

No. my main concern is my kid.

My concern for myself is even about my kid. when i was depressed I found it very hard to do even basic parenting. not good. So yes, i do have to look after myself in order to look after my child,

being honest is the easy part. It is how I am honest that is the problem.

What do I say? it's been so many months since we got back together but now I don't feel for my wife as a husband should. I just want out but the words fail me...

No, so far you have not showed us by what you say has happened that your main concern is your son.

naffi said:

Why would you leave your child with her, wouldn't it be better to keep the child with you, rather than with what will probably be a very bitter ex? Also since you are still married, surely the new house would also legally be considered your wife's too? [Edited 1/10/14 5:16am]

She is actually a good Mum. My child needs their Mum.

It wouldn't be her house. She is not on the deed.

Stymie said:

Mandingo said:

Good point re: cheating but it so doesn't feel like cheating when my wife destroyed our marriage by doing what she did with at least four differnt guys she's admitted to so far (I don't even want to know anymore)

Why on earth would i leave my new love? She is hope, she is light & life. She is my future (hopefully).

Plus you are wrong. She has a HUGE problem with me still being married and can't wait for me to leave and not physically be in the matrimonial home. She has a beautiful character, honest and generous.

My child will take it bad. My kid loves me, loves Mummy but most of all loves mummy, themself & me being together. Most of my kid's friend's are from 1 parent homes or step-parent homes and my child has said in the past that this is not what they want.

Breaks my heart but what a waste of life (and love) if I stay. I say.

she is cheating with a married man. Do you think so highly of the men your wife cheated on you with? Why is your new love different from any other cheater?

Because I have told her I have split with my wife but still live there for my kid until the house is ready to move into. A little lie that is mostly true. I admit it is dishonest but my new woamn is not a bad person at all. As P said "She loves me 4 me" and she looks at the bigger picture. Perhaps she's the one.

tinaz said:

It seems you know exactly what you want to do... I dont know what you are asking then... Any advice you are going to get you are not going to like because people are going to be honest... Stop trying to reconcile you and your mistress's behaviours to us...

Im not trying to be mean or bitchy but it is what it is... We are speaking the truth and you dont like it, noone ever does... Good luck to you in whatever you decide...









sp edit

[Edited 1/10/14 5:37am]

Yes I do know what I want to do hence the title of the thread. I just don't know how to do it and the words to say.

JustErin said:

Mandingo said:

No. my main concern is my kid.

My concern for myself is even about my kid. when i was depressed I found it very hard to do even basic parenting. not good. So yes, i do have to look after myself in order to look after my child,

being honest is the easy part. It is how I am honest that is the problem.

What do I say? it's been so many months since we got back together but now I don't feel for my wife as a husband should. I just want out but the words fail me...

No, so far you have not showed us by what you say has happened that your main concern is your son.

This thread is not a court case. I am here in case someone has good advice or past experience on how to break away from a marriage and family home with minimal upset.

I am not here to justify my love to my child to anyone, That is between my child, God & me.

Mandingo said:

JustErin said:

No, so far you have not showed us by what you say has happened that your main concern is your son.

This thread is not a court case. I am here in case someone has good advice or past experience on how to break away from a marriage and family home with minimal upset.

I am not here to justify my love to my child to anyone, That is between my child, God & me.

Well, from everything you've posted, you can't break away without some major upset. The end.

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.

Divorce will hurt everyone involved. There's no way around it.

Be civil and make your child your first consideration in any and every thought and action and you'll get through it eventually.

Overall though, stop beating around the bush and just do it. The longer you go on cheating and making your plans without sharing them with your wife the worse it's going to be.

Forget about the amateur psychologists on this board and go into the real world and find professional help and counseling.

Good luck.

"you do the 'WALK'..."

Wow.

First, as Rodeo mentioned, you should seek counseling. If there's ANY remote chance that the two of you could overcome what's happened, GO TO COUNSELING.

Is there ANY love left?

The way that you feel today is NOT going to last. You are angry/betrayed. She is obviously going through issues as well. It could all get better. It could all definitely get worse. But before you decide to end it, make sure you've exhausted all other recourses.

Good luck either way, and please make sure to keep your child's needs at the top of the list (not yours nor hers).

"My new woman is so understanding, never gets angry or shitty with me."

How did you think about your wife the first year you were together?

I can understand you're cheating (yes, you're cheating, doesn't matter if it feels different) but you should be honest.

Would you leave your wife if you didn't have a new woman?

If you would, than leave.

If you wouldn't, than stay.

(the grass is always greener...., but you have a kid, so you can't go for the other side)

Your wife sounds like a real trip. Evil actually.

Other woman aside. . . . you need to get out of your "marriage". You don't stay in a horrible marriage for a kid, mutual friends, money, etc. You can be a good father w/o subjecting yourself (or the kid) to the evil and total dysfunction. You're not doing the kid any favors by "hanging in there" and you're certainly not doing yourself any good.

I wish you the best.

PurpleJedi said:

Wow.

First, as Rodeo mentioned, you should seek counseling. If there's ANY remote chance that the two of you could overcome what's happened, GO TO COUNSELING.

Is there ANY love left?

The way that you feel today is NOT going to last. You are angry/betrayed. She is obviously going through issues as well. It could all get better. It could all definitely get worse. But before you decide to end it, make sure you've exhausted all other recourses.

Good luck either way, and please make sure to keep your child's needs at the top of the list (not yours nor hers).

If this is too personal, don't answer and I apologize for asking...but did you guys go to counselling first - you talked about it on here a lot, just do not remember all the details.

Mandingo said:

naffi said:

Why would you leave your child with her, wouldn't it be better to keep the child with you, rather than with what will probably be a very bitter ex? Also since you are still married, surely the new house would also legally be considered your wife's too? [Edited 1/10/14 5:16am]

She is actually a good Mum. My child needs their Mum.

It wouldn't be her house. She is not on the deed.

Your personal life is really none of my business, but I can't help but comment on your statement above. I'm not sure what country you live in (perhaps the U.S.), but her name doesn't have to be on the deed to be considered her home too. You are still legally married to her and you bought the home, so it's half hers. I could be wring about that, so if anyone can enlighten us, that would be great.

In the meantime, seek counseling and good luck.

JustErin said:

PurpleJedi said:

Wow.

First, as Rodeo mentioned, you should seek counseling. If there's ANY remote chance that the two of you could overcome what's happened, GO TO COUNSELING.

Is there ANY love left?

The way that you feel today is NOT going to last. You are angry/betrayed. She is obviously going through issues as well. It could all get better. It could all definitely get worse. But before you decide to end it, make sure you've exhausted all other recourses.

Good luck either way, and please make sure to keep your child's needs at the top of the list (not yours nor hers).

If this is too personal, don't answer and I apologize for asking...but did you guys go to counselling first - you talked about it on here a lot, just do not remember all the details.

(You're asking me, right?)
Unfortunately we didn't go to counseling BEFORE the relationship collapsed.

By the time I sought counseling, (when the affair came to light) it was too late. Our therapist point-blank asked us why we waited so long, then told us (actually me more specifically) that we should seek therapy not as a means to fix the marriage primarily, but rather as a means to fix our own personal issues and then perhaps our paths would lead back to each other.

But by that time the ex was on a different path entirely.

That's why I so strongly recommend therapy. If you deal with the problems with the aid of a professional who can temper emotions and provide unbiased advice, you're more likely to succeed IF the relationship can be salvaged.

The reason why I mentioned the fact that feelings change is; my ex was completely 100% confident in her desire to move on. Her deeds proved as much, and my pleas for reconsideration were ignored.
Fast-forward 2 ½ years...the grass was NOT as green as she imagined on the other side. She began confiding certain things to me - completely out of the blue - which I'm guessing was a thinly veiled fishing expedition.

But as I said...feelings change. 4 years ago (my GOD how time flies!!!) I would've done anything and everything to save my marriage. Now...I'm good. That door is closed (to use the words used on me). I suggested that she move to Florida with her folks & start anew...something which I'm sure she wasn't thinking I'd ever feel let alone say. In fact, I silently wept at the fact that I could say it myself.

Anyway...not to derail this thread...the gist of it is; don't give up so soon & so fast. A new relationship is fresh...clean...exciting...intoxicating. But when reality hits, the shit smells just as stinky on one side as it does the other.

Mandingo - don't let that cloud your judgement.

PurpleJedi said:

JustErin said:

If this is too personal, don't answer and I apologize for asking...but did you guys go to counselling first - you talked about it on here a lot, just do not remember all the details.

(You're asking me, right?)
Unfortunately we didn't go to counseling BEFORE the relationship collapsed.

By the time I sought counseling, (when the affair came to light) it was too late. Our therapist point-blank asked us why we waited so long, then told us (actually me more specifically) that we should seek therapy not as a means to fix the marriage primarily, but rather as a means to fix our own personal issues and then perhaps our paths would lead back to each other.

But by that time the ex was on a different path entirely.

That's why I so strongly recommend therapy. If you deal with the problems with the aid of a professional who can temper emotions and provide unbiased advice, you're more likely to succeed IF the relationship can be salvaged.

The reason why I mentioned the fact that feelings change is; my ex was completely 100% confident in her desire to move on. Her deeds proved as much, and my pleas for reconsideration were ignored.
Fast-forward 2 ½ years...the grass was NOT as green as she imagined on the other side. She began confiding certain things to me - completely out of the blue - which I'm guessing was a thinly veiled fishing expedition.

But as I said...feelings change. 4 years ago (my GOD how time flies!!!) I would've done anything and everything to save my marriage. Now...I'm good. That door is closed (to use the words used on me). I suggested that she move to Florida with her folks & start anew...something which I'm sure she wasn't thinking I'd ever feel let alone say. In fact, I silently wept at the fact that I could say it myself.

Anyway...not to derail this thread...the gist of it is; don't give up so soon & so fast. A new relationship is fresh...clean...exciting...intoxicating. But when reality hits, the shit smells just as stinky on one side as it does the other.

Mandingo - don't let that cloud your judgement.

Yes, I was asking you since you were the guy that was dealing with a lot of hardship in your marriage (at that time).

Seems this dude's marriage is pretty much at a similar broken state as yours was - even more so. Counselling is a nice idea, but from personal experience and what I've seen...the end result usually tends to stay the same.

Guess at least going for professional help you can say to yourself, well, I gave it my best try if it doesn't work out.

JustErin said:

PurpleJedi said:

(You're asking me, right?)
Unfortunately we didn't go to counseling BEFORE the relationship collapsed.

By the time I sought counseling, (when the affair came to light) it was too late. Our therapist point-blank asked us why we waited so long, then told us (actually me more specifically) that we should seek therapy not as a means to fix the marriage primarily, but rather as a means to fix our own personal issues and then perhaps our paths would lead back to each other.

But by that time the ex was on a different path entirely.

That's why I so strongly recommend therapy. If you deal with the problems with the aid of a professional who can temper emotions and provide unbiased advice, you're more likely to succeed IF the relationship can be salvaged.

The reason why I mentioned the fact that feelings change is; my ex was completely 100% confident in her desire to move on. Her deeds proved as much, and my pleas for reconsideration were ignored.
Fast-forward 2 ½ years...the grass was NOT as green as she imagined on the other side. She began confiding certain things to me - completely out of the blue - which I'm guessing was a thinly veiled fishing expedition.

But as I said...feelings change. 4 years ago (my GOD how time flies!!!) I would've done anything and everything to save my marriage. Now...I'm good. That door is closed (to use the words used on me). I suggested that she move to Florida with her folks & start anew...something which I'm sure she wasn't thinking I'd ever feel let alone say. In fact, I silently wept at the fact that I could say it myself.

Anyway...not to derail this thread...the gist of it is; don't give up so soon & so fast. A new relationship is fresh...clean...exciting...intoxicating. But when reality hits, the shit smells just as stinky on one side as it does the other.

Mandingo - don't let that cloud your judgement.

Yes, I was asking you since you were the guy that was dealing with a lot of hardship in your marriage (at that time).

Seems this dude's marriage is pretty much at a similar broken state as yours was - even more so. Counselling is a nice idea, but from personal experience and what I've seen...the end result usually tends to stay the same.

Guess at least going for professional help you can say to yourself, well, I gave it my best try if it doesn't work out.

At worst...yes at least you can say to yourself; "Well I gave it my best try"...and being as how the wife may have already checked out emotionally that may just be the case. Plus dealing with the conflict and anger may lead to a more amicable separation. But if there is love on both sides buried beneath resentment and hostility, there is always HOPE for things to work out. Therapy is not a guarantee but there ARE success stories. If both parties are willing to be honest and make a genuine effort. As I said, if there is actual love in the equation, then it should be worth the effort.

Which begs the question be asked; Mandingo: Do YOU Love Your Wife?

PurpleJedi said:

JustErin said:

Yes, I was asking you since you were the guy that was dealing with a lot of hardship in your marriage (at that time).

Seems this dude's marriage is pretty much at a similar broken state as yours was - even more so. Counselling is a nice idea, but from personal experience and what I've seen...the end result usually tends to stay the same.

Guess at least going for professional help you can say to yourself, well, I gave it my best try if it doesn't work out.

At worst...yes at least you can say to yourself; "Well I gave it my best try"...and being as how the wife may have already checked out emotionally that may just be the case. Plus dealing with the conflict and anger may lead to a more amicable separation. But if there is love on both sides buried beneath resentment and hostility, there is always HOPE for things to work out. Therapy is not a guarantee but there ARE success stories. If both parties are willing to be honest and make a genuine effort. As I said, if there is actual love in the equation, then it should be worth the effort.

Which begs the question be asked; Mandingo: Do YOU Love Your Wife?

Don't get me wrong, I'm a big proponent of counselling in general. I know that there are success stories, it's just harder with couples therapy because most are just not on the same page and as you say usually one of them has checked out long before they seek help.

PurpleJedi said: