no cheating, abuse etc involved... things are respectful ....you're just not in love with your partner... the attraction is all but gone...and you realise you probably should never have married them

what say you?

How about option "C"?

Take time to rediscover yourselves - outside of the stresses of everyday life & the kids & the bills & the meetings & the taxes - and see if you can rekindle whatever it was that attracted the two of you to each other in the first place?

Good luck.

I think the stress and strain and the level of anger that will fester and grow does more harm to the kids than just setting them down and explaining to them whats going on and why and then act like mature responsible parents afterwards.

i'm a child of a broken home, my parents divorced when i was eight or so. on the one hand, it sucked that dad no longer lived in the house with us. on the plus side it was great because both mom and dad seemed a bit happier post-split. no more fighting or long, cold silences. when they were pretending to be happy together, 'everything's fine' it was quite clear to us kids that whole bit was a lie. kids shoud be leveled with and the bottom line is they need both parents to be closely involved in their lives. good luck to this hypothetical person in this hypothetical situation. i'm not even going to try to offer relationship advice, i suck at relationships

People do but they shouldn't.

MoBetterBliss said:

no cheating, abuse etc involved... things are respectful ....you're just not in love with your partner... the attraction is all but gone...and you realise you probably should never have married them

what say you?

Bring in another woman that we both like and make it a threesome!

(Sacasm of course)

it's just a general question

i would tolerate a boring marriage for my kids, absolutely! i can't even think why it could get dull, if the feeling is mutual then perhaps you should use some imagination in the bedroom

excited said:

I tried, for several years, to keep the marriage together "for the kids". I was miserable, he was miserable, but we tried to paint on the bright, happy smiles, for the kids. But it's living a lie. Kids are much more perceptive than we, adults, give them credit for. They can sense the under-currents, even when we think we've covered our tracks well. They know when their parents are truly happy vs. faking happy. I think as parents, one of our jobs is to teach our children how to have a positive, healthy, and loving relationship by example. When you remain together for the kids, you are teaching them to "stick it out no matter what" that their happiness, and the happiness of their spouse, does not matter. This can create a bad situation for them in later years, when they possibly end up in an abusive relationship, and think they have to stick together, for the kids, no matter what.

My husband and I are currently separated and have been for over two years now. We were talking about reconciliation at one point, did the marriage therapy thing, but we've decided to move forward with the divorce instead. Our main priority is the kids. We do one "family thing" together each week, whether it's going out to dinner and a movie, or taking them on some kind of outing. We have family meetings when it comes to important decisions that may effect the kids, or problems that the kids may be having. We gave them a say so in how the visitation would be set up. At first (during the summer months when we first separated) they wanted to go back and forth every day (one day with me, one day with dad, etc.). That was fine during the summer, but when school was getting ready to start, we sat them down and told them that we had to have something a little more settled for them, that it would be too difficult for them to go back and forth like that during the school year. My youngest said, "I can go three days, at the most, without missing either one of you too bad." Her older brother agreed with that. And so that's what we've been doing. Three days with mom, three days with dad. We attend all school functions together. We discuss all discipline with each other, and if one is grounded at dad's, the grounding follows through at mom's, and vice versa. We go to doctor appointments together, as much as is possible, since his job isn't as flexible as mine he may not always be able to go, but the kids and I call him immediately after the appointment to let him know what the doctor said. We spend all holidays together, as a family. We had decided that we wanted the kids to know that even though mom and dad weren't living together, they still had a united family unit, that no matter what, mom and dad could put aside their differences and come together for them, that they could depend upon both mom and dad and know we would always be there for them. They are the ones that are important in all of this and we try to make sure they know that. We couldn't make the marriage work, but we definitely make better friends and parents, than we ever did husband and wife.

prittypriss said:

I tried, for several years, to keep the marriage together "for the kids". I was miserable, he was miserable, but we tried to paint on the bright, happy smiles, for the kids. But it's living a lie. Kids are much more perceptive than we, adults, give them credit for. They can sense the under-currents, even when we think we've covered our tracks well. They know when their parents are truly happy vs. faking happy. I think as parents, one of our jobs is to teach our children how to have a positive, healthy, and loving relationship by example. When you remain together for the kids, you are teaching them to "stick it out no matter what" that their happiness, and the happiness of their spouse, does not matter. This can create a bad situation for them in later years, when they possibly end up in an abusive relationship, and think they have to stick together, for the kids, no matter what.

My husband and I are currently separated and have been for over two years now. We were talking about reconciliation at one point, did the marriage therapy thing, but we've decided to move forward with the divorce instead. Our main priority is the kids. We do one "family thing" together each week, whether it's going out to dinner and a movie, or taking them on some kind of outing. We have family meetings when it comes to important decisions that may effect the kids, or problems that the kids may be having. We gave them a say so in how the visitation would be set up. At first (during the summer months when we first separated) they wanted to go back and forth every day (one day with me, one day with dad, etc.). That was fine during the summer, but when school was getting ready to start, we sat them down and told them that we had to have something a little more settled for them, that it would be too difficult for them to go back and forth like that during the school year. My youngest said, "I can go three days, at the most, without missing either one of you too bad." Her older brother agreed with that. And so that's what we've been doing. Three days with mom, three days with dad. We attend all school functions together. We discuss all discipline with each other, and if one is grounded at dad's, the grounding follows through at mom's, and vice versa. We go to doctor appointments together, as much as is possible, since his job isn't as flexible as mine he may not always be able to go, but the kids and I call him immediately after the appointment to let him know what the doctor said. We spend all holidays together, as a family. We had decided that we wanted the kids to know that even though mom and dad weren't living together, they still had a united family unit, that no matter what, mom and dad could put aside their differences and come together for them, that they could depend upon both mom and dad and know we would always be there for them. They are the ones that are important in all of this and we try to make sure they know that. We couldn't make the marriage work, but we definitely make better friends and parents, than we ever did husband and wife.

Wow. Sounds like you have a wonderful scenario.

But can I ask you...with all the co-parenting and shared holidays and all that...where does your new partner come in?

How does your new life come into play? When do you have time to build your new life?

I assume that the separation was amicable and free of the drama and ill will that accompany 90% of the divorces out there?

PurpleJedi said:

prittypriss said:

I tried, for several years, to keep the marriage together "for the kids". I was miserable, he was miserable, but we tried to paint on the bright, happy smiles, for the kids. But it's living a lie. Kids are much more perceptive than we, adults, give them credit for. They can sense the under-currents, even when we think we've covered our tracks well. They know when their parents are truly happy vs. faking happy. I think as parents, one of our jobs is to teach our children how to have a positive, healthy, and loving relationship by example. When you remain together for the kids, you are teaching them to "stick it out no matter what" that their happiness, and the happiness of their spouse, does not matter. This can create a bad situation for them in later years, when they possibly end up in an abusive relationship, and think they have to stick together, for the kids, no matter what.

My husband and I are currently separated and have been for over two years now. We were talking about reconciliation at one point, did the marriage therapy thing, but we've decided to move forward with the divorce instead. Our main priority is the kids. We do one "family thing" together each week, whether it's going out to dinner and a movie, or taking them on some kind of outing. We have family meetings when it comes to important decisions that may effect the kids, or problems that the kids may be having. We gave them a say so in how the visitation would be set up. At first (during the summer months when we first separated) they wanted to go back and forth every day (one day with me, one day with dad, etc.). That was fine during the summer, but when school was getting ready to start, we sat them down and told them that we had to have something a little more settled for them, that it would be too difficult for them to go back and forth like that during the school year. My youngest said, "I can go three days, at the most, without missing either one of you too bad." Her older brother agreed with that. And so that's what we've been doing. Three days with mom, three days with dad. We attend all school functions together. We discuss all discipline with each other, and if one is grounded at dad's, the grounding follows through at mom's, and vice versa. We go to doctor appointments together, as much as is possible, since his job isn't as flexible as mine he may not always be able to go, but the kids and I call him immediately after the appointment to let him know what the doctor said. We spend all holidays together, as a family. We had decided that we wanted the kids to know that even though mom and dad weren't living together, they still had a united family unit, that no matter what, mom and dad could put aside their differences and come together for them, that they could depend upon both mom and dad and know we would always be there for them. They are the ones that are important in all of this and we try to make sure they know that. We couldn't make the marriage work, but we definitely make better friends and parents, than we ever did husband and wife.

Wow. Sounds like you have a wonderful scenario.

But can I ask you...with all the co-parenting and shared holidays and all that...where does your new partner come in?

How does your new life come into play? When do you have time to build your new life?

I assume that the separation was amicable and free of the drama and ill will that accompany 90% of the divorces out there?

I've not dated since we've separated and, to be honest, have no desire to at this time. He started dating within 2 weeks of when we separated. At first, I had a hard time dealing with him dating so soon after our separation, and was angry, but I got over it pretty quick. When we began to talk more in-depth and started talking reconciliation, he stopped dating during that time. He's now back to dating and I have no issues with that. He's free, in my opinion, to do what he wants to do, as long as he continues to take into consideration what is in the best interests of our children. Right now, the kids know we are still married, so there wouldn't be any introductions to them of any potential partners. Once we begin the divorce process, we plan to talk with the children, let them know that we are going to divorce, and that eventually, one or the other of us, will be dating someone else. And we'll talk through all of their feelings about that. If he decides to get in a relationship soon after the divorce (which is how he tends to work - he has to be in a relationship), then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I'm sure we'll have to make adjustments, stop doing the family vacations and family outings, but continue to attend school functions and such together. I have no animosity towards him. It's been fairly drama free, thankfully. We actually get along better now than we did when we were living with each other. We make better friends and parents than we do husband and wife.

prittypriss said:

I tried, for several years, to keep the marriage together "for the kids". I was miserable, he was miserable, but we tried to paint on the bright, happy smiles, for the kids. But it's living a lie. Kids are much more perceptive than we, adults, give them credit for. They can sense the under-currents, even when we think we've covered our tracks well. They know when their parents are truly happy vs. faking happy. I think as parents, one of our jobs is to teach our children how to have a positive, healthy, and loving relationship by example. When you remain together for the kids, you are teaching them to "stick it out no matter what" that their happiness, and the happiness of their spouse, does not matter. This can create a bad situation for them in later years, when they possibly end up in an abusive relationship, and think they have to stick together, for the kids, no matter what.

My husband and I are currently separated and have been for over two years now. We were talking about reconciliation at one point, did the marriage therapy thing, but we've decided to move forward with the divorce instead. Our main priority is the kids. We do one "family thing" together each week, whether it's going out to dinner and a movie, or taking them on some kind of outing. We have family meetings when it comes to important decisions that may effect the kids, or problems that the kids may be having. We gave them a say so in how the visitation would be set up. At first (during the summer months when we first separated) they wanted to go back and forth every day (one day with me, one day with dad, etc.). That was fine during the summer, but when school was getting ready to start, we sat them down and told them that we had to have something a little more settled for them, that it would be too difficult for them to go back and forth like that during the school year. My youngest said, "I can go three days, at the most, without missing either one of you too bad." Her older brother agreed with that. And so that's what we've been doing. Three days with mom, three days with dad. We attend all school functions together. We discuss all discipline with each other, and if one is grounded at dad's, the grounding follows through at mom's, and vice versa. We go to doctor appointments together, as much as is possible, since his job isn't as flexible as mine he may not always be able to go, but the kids and I call him immediately after the appointment to let him know what the doctor said. We spend all holidays together, as a family. We had decided that we wanted the kids to know that even though mom and dad weren't living together, they still had a united family unit, that no matter what, mom and dad could put aside their differences and come together for them, that they could depend upon both mom and dad and know we would always be there for them. They are the ones that are important in all of this and we try to make sure they know that. We couldn't make the marriage work, but we definitely make better friends and parents, than we ever did husband and wife.

i applaud you and your ex for the way you've gone about things... very classy

prittypriss said:

PurpleJedi said:

Wow. Sounds like you have a wonderful scenario.

But can I ask you...with all the co-parenting and shared holidays and all that...where does your new partner come in?

How does your new life come into play? When do you have time to build your new life?

I assume that the separation was amicable and free of the drama and ill will that accompany 90% of the divorces out there?

I've not dated since we've separated and, to be honest, have no desire to at this time. He started dating within 2 weeks of when we separated. At first, I had a hard time dealing with him dating so soon after our separation, and was angry, but I got over it pretty quick. When we began to talk more in-depth and started talking reconciliation, he stopped dating during that time. He's now back to dating and I have no issues with that. He's free, in my opinion, to do what he wants to do, as long as he continues to take into consideration what is in the best interests of our children. Right now, the kids know we are still married, so there wouldn't be any introductions to them of any potential partners. Once we begin the divorce process, we plan to talk with the children, let them know that we are going to divorce, and that eventually, one or the other of us, will be dating someone else. And we'll talk through all of their feelings about that. If he decides to get in a relationship soon after the divorce (which is how he tends to work - he has to be in a relationship), then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I'm sure we'll have to make adjustments, stop doing the family vacations and family outings, but continue to attend school functions and such together. I have no animosity towards him. It's been fairly drama free, thankfully. We actually get along better now than we did when we were living with each other. We make better friends and parents than we do husband and wife.

Good luck with it all...you are definitely doing it right.

MoBetterBliss said:

prittypriss said:

I tried, for several years, to keep the marriage together "for the kids". I was miserable, he was miserable, but we tried to paint on the bright, happy smiles, for the kids. But it's living a lie. Kids are much more perceptive than we, adults, give them credit for. They can sense the under-currents, even when we think we've covered our tracks well. They know when their parents are truly happy vs. faking happy. I think as parents, one of our jobs is to teach our children how to have a positive, healthy, and loving relationship by example. When you remain together for the kids, you are teaching them to "stick it out no matter what" that their happiness, and the happiness of their spouse, does not matter. This can create a bad situation for them in later years, when they possibly end up in an abusive relationship, and think they have to stick together, for the kids, no matter what.

My husband and I are currently separated and have been for over two years now. We were talking about reconciliation at one point, did the marriage therapy thing, but we've decided to move forward with the divorce instead. Our main priority is the kids. We do one "family thing" together each week, whether it's going out to dinner and a movie, or taking them on some kind of outing. We have family meetings when it comes to important decisions that may effect the kids, or problems that the kids may be having. We gave them a say so in how the visitation would be set up. At first (during the summer months when we first separated) they wanted to go back and forth every day (one day with me, one day with dad, etc.). That was fine during the summer, but when school was getting ready to start, we sat them down and told them that we had to have something a little more settled for them, that it would be too difficult for them to go back and forth like that during the school year. My youngest said, "I can go three days, at the most, without missing either one of you too bad." Her older brother agreed with that. And so that's what we've been doing. Three days with mom, three days with dad. We attend all school functions together. We discuss all discipline with each other, and if one is grounded at dad's, the grounding follows through at mom's, and vice versa. We go to doctor appointments together, as much as is possible, since his job isn't as flexible as mine he may not always be able to go, but the kids and I call him immediately after the appointment to let him know what the doctor said. We spend all holidays together, as a family. We had decided that we wanted the kids to know that even though mom and dad weren't living together, they still had a united family unit, that no matter what, mom and dad could put aside their differences and come together for them, that they could depend upon both mom and dad and know we would always be there for them. They are the ones that are important in all of this and we try to make sure they know that. We couldn't make the marriage work, but we definitely make better friends and parents, than we ever did husband and wife.

i applaud you and your ex for the way you've gone about things... very classy

Thank you. We're trying, doing the best we can. The kids are very important to us and we want to ensure they have stability in their life, in spite of mom and dad. They're good kids.

PurpleJedi said:

prittypriss said:

I've not dated since we've separated and, to be honest, have no desire to at this time. He started dating within 2 weeks of when we separated. At first, I had a hard time dealing with him dating so soon after our separation, and was angry, but I got over it pretty quick. When we began to talk more in-depth and started talking reconciliation, he stopped dating during that time. He's now back to dating and I have no issues with that. He's free, in my opinion, to do what he wants to do, as long as he continues to take into consideration what is in the best interests of our children. Right now, the kids know we are still married, so there wouldn't be any introductions to them of any potential partners. Once we begin the divorce process, we plan to talk with the children, let them know that we are going to divorce, and that eventually, one or the other of us, will be dating someone else. And we'll talk through all of their feelings about that. If he decides to get in a relationship soon after the divorce (which is how he tends to work - he has to be in a relationship), then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I'm sure we'll have to make adjustments, stop doing the family vacations and family outings, but continue to attend school functions and such together. I have no animosity towards him. It's been fairly drama free, thankfully. We actually get along better now than we did when we were living with each other. We make better friends and parents than we do husband and wife.

Good luck with it all...you are definitely doing it right.

Thanks, PurpleJedi! I think if we were doing it "right" though, we'd have been able to maintain the marriage. Since we weren't able to do that, we have to do the best we can for the kids.

prittypriss said:

PurpleJedi said:

Good luck with it all...you are definitely doing it right.

Thanks, PurpleJedi! I think if we were doing it "right" though, we'd have been able to maintain the marriage. Since we weren't able to do that, we have to do the best we can for the kids.

Yeah, I meant the divorce. You're handling that the right way.

BobGeorge909 said:

ThisOne said:

ZombieKitten said:

excited said:

i would tolerate a boring marriage for my kids, absolutely! i can't even think why it could get dull, if the feeling is mutual then perhaps you should use some imagination in the bedroom

It might not even be the sex that's an issue. Could be any number of things that make a couple incompatible. Things you never knew about your partner before - ie parenting style, You don't know that before kids. I could go on and on

very true

and it's funny how life can make you look at things differently... there was a time when i would have said there is no way i'd stay in a marriage for the kids

now?.. i couldn't see myself ever walking out on my children

As a child of divorce (parents split when I was a teenager), I would say that on one hand, I am glad that I could see that it's never too late to get out of a bad relationship. But, I don't like the fact that my life was upended and that my dear mom got with a guy half her age at the time....

Sometimes, I see the emotional landmines that erupt when I even attempt to start relationships. There is a guy that I like but all of these demons are coming back from the past. I've been to therapy before but nothing is as scary as actually meeting a guy and then feeling like you're going to repeat the same patterns.

I often tell myself that I probably shouldn't marry and have kids.

I think often times it's a lot more than wanting to stay for the kids.

For many women it's wanting to stay because their husband brings in the income and leaving means having to start completely over and now get out there to support herself and her children - now both emotionally and financially.

How's this for a situation. Guy wants out of his marriage and willing to give the wife everything. All he wants are the kids. If they were able to make a amicable split, then great.

The wife can do whatever she wants and is able to start her life over. He just wants out.

prittypriss said:

MoBetterBliss said:

i applaud you and your ex for the way you've gone about things... very classy

Thank you. We're trying, doing the best we can. The kids are very important to us and we want to ensure they have stability in their life, in spite of mom and dad. They're good kids.

There is hope for me. Thank you for sharing that story. That's how I envision a proper split/divorce.

Folks that act all crazy and bitter...I just don't understand it.

G3000 said:

How's this for a situation. Guy wants out of his marriage and willing to give the wife everything. All he wants are the kids. If they were able to make a amicable split, then great.

The wife can do whatever she wants and is able to start her life over. He just wants out.

So, the kids are like a commodity to be bartered for? I'll assume you didn't mean that way.

Unless a parents conduct puts a child life in harms way, a parent should never prevent or make it diffcult for the other parent to be in their child or children's lives.

G3000 said:

How's this for a situation. Guy wants out of his marriage and willing to give the wife everything. All he wants are the kids. If they were able to make a amicable split, then great.

The wife can do whatever she wants and is able to start her life over. He just wants out.

He wants full custody of the children?