I never blamed my parents. Why would I?

kewlschool said:

I never blamed my parents. Why would I?

^^^That. Things I did were my own fault, not theirs.

parents should be thanked for raising us up. even if they made mistakes in our childhood we need to take responsibility for making our own choices as adults, even though we came from a disfunctional background.

*

then again, some parents are pedophiles and some beat their children. imo people who grew up being tortured by a parent can cast some blame.

*

case by case.

not any more, the days of parental parenting is dead...

long live the shooters

my father was a violent alcoholic... after we got away from him, my mother drank WAY to much... and acted out in ways that are simply unacceptable

as a teenager i was a mess.. got heavily into drugs etc

do i believe with a more stable upbringing by parents who acted responsibly my life would have been better?... yes

growing up i always saw my mum as a victim because my dad hit her... i realised later on that regardless of that, she fell way short as a parent... i love her and talk to her every week... but i'm under no illusions about her parenting

this whole "kids owe their parents" thing is complete bullshit to me... my kids will owe me nothing... nada... they didn't ask to be brought into the world and i owe it to them to put everything i can into bringing them up in a safe, loving environment... if i'm not prepared to do so, i shouldn't have had them

the fact is the way parents treat their children has a profound affect on them... parents need to get their shit together and stop making piss weak excuses for THEIR short-comings

having said all that, i never sat around and blamed people for things... i got on with it, and with hard work turned my life around.... but the fact remains my parents failed me... plain and simple

I blame them for my deprived childhood but that's all

I realise that teaching me to budget by making me keep ledger books and making me account for every cent they gave me SEEMS extreme but it's made me into a sensible spender.

All those sweets they never let me have? Teeth without cavities and no obesity or diabetes

Not letting me go to parties? Well.. that one backfired. I made up for that later...

Apart from some mental issues, I'm sort of well-rounded, not much to blame on them

This Be The Verse

by Philip Larkin

And don’t have any kids yourself.

Thanking your parents for caring for you??? Please... I would never, ever expect my son to thank me for doing what *I* decided to do, have a child and care for him responsibly.

If it is acceptable to praise one's parents it is also acceptable to criticize or blame them.

I do not believe that parents should automatically get a pass for simply because they stuck around to raise their children.

Yes, taking personal responsibility at some point to make your life better when you've been dealt shit cards your whole life is what everyone should try to attain but you can still do that while accepting that your parents are to blame for the hardship you've endured so far.

If you had bad parents, then you certainly had some obstacles to overcome that were no fault of your own. Most of our habits and values are formed when we are very young - certainly way before we know if we have good or bad parents.

But then at some point as an adult, it would be expected for one to realize that as a very young child they were taught incorrect things, or were not taught the correct things, and they should make the necessary adjustments. Of course, many times this is easier said than done.

I thanked God for having wonderful, loving parents. And I thanked my parents every single chance I got for what they provided me. It's hard to believe anyone wouldn't do that.

In my late teens and early 20's I did blame my parents for alot.

As I matured I realized that they did the best that they could with what they had, and I am MORE than grateful for the sacrifices they made for us, and for the love and support that they (still) provide.

Once I became a consenting adult, I took charge of my life. I took or ignored advice as I saw fit. My subsequent downfalls are my own doing. I cannot blame anyone but myself. Then again my parents never FORCED me to do anything, so perhaps my experience is different than others'.

Grattitude is nothing to be ashamed of. I give my parents thanks, and teach my children to be thankful as well. Humility is not a bad word...and to be grateful is a part of being a humble person. No one HAS to do a godammned thing for ANYBODY. Plenty of people have kids just to have them and worse yet subject their kids to all sorts of NEGLECT & ABUSE. If you are not one of them, then there is reason to celebrate, not belittle or berate the people who gave you life.

The trick is to learn from one's mistakes AND the mistakes of the generations before us. No one is perfect - NO ONE - and as long as your folks tried their best to provide for you and love you and take care of you...BE THANKFUL.

PurpleJedi said:

In my late teens and early 20's I did blame my parents for alot.

As I matured I realized that they did the best that they could with what they had, and I am MORE than grateful for the sacrifices they made for us, and for the love and support that they (still) provide.

Once I became a consenting adult, I took charge of my life. I took or ignored advice as I saw fit. My subsequent downfalls are my own doing. I cannot blame anyone but myself. Then again my parents never FORCED me to do anything, so perhaps my experience is different than others'.

Grattitude is nothing to be ashamed of. I give my parents thanks, and teach my children to be thankful as well. Humility is not a bad word...and to be grateful is a part of being a humble person. No one HAS to do a godammned thing for ANYBODY. Plenty of people have kids just to have them and worse yet subject their kids to all sorts of NEGLECT & ABUSE. If you are not one of them, then there is reason to celebrate, not belittle or berate the people who gave you life.

The trick is to learn from one's mistakes AND the mistakes of the generations before us. No one is perfect - NO ONE - and as long as your folks tried their best to provide for you and love you and take care of you...BE THANKFUL.

Absolutely.

When each of my parents died, I thanked God that I had such great parents for 40+ years. There are a few thousand kids within 20 miles of me that have bad parents, or no parents at all.

JustErin said:

Thanking your parents for caring for you??? Please... I would never, ever expect my son to thank me for doing what *I* decided to do, have a child and care for him responsibly.

Why would showing your appreciation be something frowned upon, especially when it's aimed towards your parents?

My mother never, ever would expect any of us to praise or thank her for raising us...but on those times when we do, the expression on her face and the smile she gives us is unbelievable ...and while it never even once crossed my mind that my own daughter should ever thank me for raising her, when she sent me a text message recently telling me how much she appreciated what I've done in raising her, I was a blubbering mess while reading it lol ...

Nothing wrong whatsoever with telling your parents how much you appreciate them doing everything they could to try and raise you in a healthy, loving manner.

Completely agree there...both are fine, the latter should be used with more caution, though.

....annnnnd, cut!

[Edited 10/8/13 8:28am]

PurpleJedi said:

In my late teens and early 20's I did blame my parents for alot.

As I matured I realized that they did the best that they could with what they had, and I am MORE than grateful for the sacrifices they made for us, and for the love and support that they (still) provide.

Once I became a consenting adult, I took charge of my life. I took or ignored advice as I saw fit. My subsequent downfalls are my own doing. I cannot blame anyone but myself. Then again my parents never FORCED me to do anything, so perhaps my experience is different than others'.

Grattitude is nothing to be ashamed of. I give my parents thanks, and teach my children to be thankful as well. Humility is not a bad word...and to be grateful is a part of being a humble person. No one HAS to do a godammned thing for ANYBODY. Plenty of people have kids just to have them and worse yet subject their kids to all sorts of NEGLECT & ABUSE. If you are not one of them, then there is reason to celebrate, not belittle or berate the people who gave you life.

The trick is to learn from one's mistakes AND the mistakes of the generations before us. No one is perfect - NO ONE - and as long as your folks tried their best to provide for you and love you and take care of you...BE THANKFUL.

Of course gratitude is nothing to be ashamed of. Humility is a wonderful thing to have and teach to your children.

However it was mentioned that parents should be thanked for raising their children regardless of whether it was a dysfunctional environment or not (well, pedophilia and physical abuse was excused ).

Expecting to be thanked simply because you raised your child is ridiculous and pretty damn selfish.

Byron said:

JustErin said:

Thanking your parents for caring for you??? Please... I would never, ever expect my son to thank me for doing what *I* decided to do, have a child and care for him responsibly.

Why would showing your appreciation be something frowned upon, especially when it's aimed towards your parents?

My mother never, ever would expect any of us to praise or thank her for raising us...but on those times when we do, the expression on her face and the smile she gives us is unbelievable ...and while it never even once crossed my mind that my own daughter should ever thank me for raising her, when she sent me a text message telling recently me how much she appreciated what I've done in raising her, I was a blubbering mess while reading it lol ...

Nothing wrong whatsoever with telling your parents how much you appreciate them doing everything they could to try and raise you in a healthy, loving manner.

If it is acceptable to praise one's parents it is also acceptable to criticize or blame them.

Completely agree there...both are fine, the latter should be used with more caution, though.

Read my post above.

JustErin said:

Byron said:

Completely agree there...both are fine, the latter should be used with more caution, though.

Read my post above.

Your post above only deals with parents who "expect" to be thanked.

Your earlier post, though, seemed to deal with the idea of thanking parents at all ("Thanking your parents for caring for you??? Please"). Maybe I got it mixed up, though..?

People blame other people for their shortcomings too much, in general.

Everybody has problems. Suck it up and manage your life.

Genesia said:

People blame other people for their shortcomings too much, in general.

Everybody has problems. Suck it up and manage your life.

I blame you for my dry skin

Byron said:

JustErin said:

Read my post above.

Your post above only deals with parents who "expect" to be thanked.

Your earlier post, though, seemed to deal with the idea of thanking parents at all ("Thanking your parents for caring for you??? Please"). Maybe I got it mixed up, though..?

Sure, I can see how you thought that. I should have worded it a bit differently.

Byron said:

Genesia said:

People blame other people for their shortcomings too much, in general.

Everybody has problems. Suck it up and manage your life.

I blame you for my dry skin

I have a magnet that says, "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you."

^^^^

I changed (and still am changing) a nasty cycle of dysfunction that my parents put me through.

I am grateful to be here... not happy that my mom blamed me for my dad splitting when I was born.

Not happy about her constantly telling me how hard her life was because I was such a sickly asthmatic, even though she was a chain smoker.

Not happy she told me everyday that I should pinch my nose to "fix" it because it was too wide and she sisn't know how I got a "n-word's nose" yup.... every freaking day she told me that mess as a teen.

Not happy about the effects of being mal-nutritioned as a kid into my early teens (she never served us our dinner we would get our own so my two siblings were obsese and I was left unfed on the regular) ... which stunted my growth and messed with my overall health even into this present day. I still have issues with asthma, took steroids and now I am obese from using 4 types of drugs I had to take daily for 10 years that left my metabolism totally messed up...

but she grew up alone with one of her sisters. All 6 daughters were abandoned at young ages due to poverty in Puerto Rico... how could I expect someone who never had a parent to know what one should be like?

So I forgave her... and still forgive her constantly for the dumb crap she continues to do since she is just as much as a screw-up now as she was back then in brand new ways. Un-freggin believable!

But she is MY mother, the only one I have, and I learned so much and I still appreciate her because I know she still tries to fix all the wrong.

I love her... I thank her as much as I can... because in all that chaos, she taught me compassion, and my thanking her makesher fix the wrongs and say SORRY. Does she deserve my thanks? Who gives a f***?! I give thanks to her anyways! Because I CAN. I have that power to do good while she is still here. I now have even learned how to get through her in ways no one else can.

That is our relationship. Life is too short to walk around bitter and resentful anyways.

My father chose not to be there... so no need to thank him, I am grateful for his sperm donation though.

Life deals us shit... I suck it up and make the best of it. I think I am a pretty decent mom though... considering, and my kids better be thankful I am NOT like my mother!

[Edited 10/8/13 10:08am]

Even when a parent personally hands you the family issues and does their best to cement them in, at the end of the day each one of us has a choice on how to move forward in our own lives.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Even when a parent personally hands you the family issues and does their best to cement them in, at the end of the day each one of us has a choice on how to move forward in our own lives.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Even when a parent personally hands you the family issues and does their best to cement them in, at the end of the day each one of us has a choice on how to move forward in our own lives.

Ah, stated very well. I readily acknowledge my parents' shortcomings & mistakes, and I used to blame my dad in particular, but I have definitely let go of any kind of bitterness or expectations that I am owed anything at this point.

However, my childhood was only filled with average unpleasantries. Some were traumatic, sure, but it could have been so much worse. I don't know exactly how I would feel if I'd truly suffered at the hands of my parents.

NDRU said:

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Even when a parent personally hands you the family issues and does their best to cement them in, at the end of the day each one of us has a choice on how to move forward in our own lives.

Ah, stated very well. I readily acknowledge my parents' shortcomings & mistakes, and I used to blame my dad in particular, but I have definitely let go of any kind of bitterness or expectations that I am owed anything at this point.

However, my childhood was only filled with average unpleasantries. Some were traumatic, sure, but it could have been so much worse. I don't know exactly how I would feel if I'd truly suffered at the hands of my parents.

Ultimately we all do the best that we are capable of. I used to have huge resentments against my father as the first memory in my life is of him beating up my mom. He left us when I was 4 so I got to add abandonment to the mix.

When I became an adult and experienced the craziness of my own life I was more able to place myself in my father's shoes and really think about what it must have been like for him to come back from Vietnam completely traumatized and without formal support (i.e. PTSD treatment).

Doing this really humanized him and helped me to forgive.That said, many people have much huger issues of being seriously abused and that isn't something that is easily gotten over but we do not have to be controlled by the ghosts of the past no matter how scary they are.

Think of the 4 characters in the Wizard of Oz. Each searching for an essential part of themselves, something they feel is missing making them not only less than whole but unworthy as well. In the Tinman, Scarecrow and Lion's past the witch lives large. As they embrace Dorothy on her search for the Wizard they all encouter the witch in very frightening and threatening ways. Ultimately when they reach the wizard they find that they have had the inner answers the whole time. The witch is finally defeated and they are left whole.

As we navigate our way away from the past and toward the future, we can reflect that the Wicked Witch was a real part of our experience, however we don't have to hand over our power to her for the rest of our lives.

[Edited 10/9/13 13:12pm]

The older I get the more I see looking at me as well as looking at friends/family how very much we are all affected by how we grew up. That is no excuse for not trying our very best to overcome these issues, but it is much easier said than done and it is not always possible to do so. But parents are human and of course they make mistakes, even if they try their best, everyone does.

[Edited 10/9/13 13:44pm]

I thanked my parents. I realized that they did their very best in providing for my brother and me. We never had a hungry day in our lives, always had a nice, comfortable home and good clothes. They always gave us the best they could afford, which was more that a lot of other kids I grew up with had. They saved their money to send both of us to college, and after they died, had enought to leave us both a pretty hefty inheritance for which I am forever grateful.