XxAxX said:

it's not fair, and the excuse of living far away shouldn't be a barrier to providing assistance.

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Agreed.

Blackadder, I work with the elderly and disabled, and I cannot tell you how many times I've come across the same exact situation within families. Usually the care of elderly parents does fall to one child. It is more rare to find situations in which all family members step in to help care for the elderly parents.

There are resources out there to help you. In SC, where I live, if your parents qualified for Medicaid, they would qualify for Community Long Term Care. There are services that CLTC could provide, such as an aide coming into the home to help assist with the hands on care and housework, incontinence supplies, nutritional supplements, lifelines, etc. I believe most states have a similar program. Also, if the physician writes an order, you could get a Home Health Nurse / Aide in the home. You don't have to do it alone, there are people that can help. If you want, send me a pm with the state that you live in and I'll do some research to find out what programs are available in your state.

Being angry is perfectly normal and acceptable given the situation. There is a lot of frustration and stress with caring for elderly parents and trying to meet other family and financial obligations.

It's not worth it to be angry at the further away sibling. It will eat you up and they won't even care.

I'm used to people not caring or giving a darn (narcissists, sociopaths). That doesn't excuse their behavior but I've lived with it all my life and have grown very familiar with how they operate. It still doesn't stop me from speaking the truth to them, addressing my concerns and voicing my displeasure when necessary. Just express yourself (the truth of the situation) and when they make excuses, ignore you or "don't care", just move on and do what's necessary to take care of the situation at hand (according to your heart). Don't stuff any anger. Express yourself, move on and do the right thing. There are certain people in this world who are extremely selfish and not worth the time of day.

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Sometimes, in certain situations, righteous indignation (anger) is called for. Yeshua did it (in the temple). Expressing anger / displeasure is A-OK. Just don't let anger get out of hand and don't stuff it and get all bitter inside. Once you've expressed yourself, move on.

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Btw, don't go out of your way to do anything for the selfish sibling in the future either. Focus your attention on those who are good to you and pleasant to hang with. Life's too short not to.

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[Edited 9/23/13 9:24am]

The ANGER is never worth anything.

But that doesn't mean you need to be complacent about his lack of involvement.

Give him responsibilities...maybe getting the meds weekly or scheduling appointments...stuff he can't use "distance" as an excuse for?

I think Tina and PJ make good points.

Sometimes is a little deeper than siblings being non-caring, some adult children react differently to sickness and particularly sick parents. If that's the case, speak with your brother to see what he's capable of doing to help and support you as you care of your parents. As PJ mentioned running errands, maybe helping you around your home to ease your burden of being on the go 24/7. But there should be something he could do.

I very seldom seen it any differently, one child is the dependable care giver while the others walk around as if they have blinders on. Their day will come...

If your parents are of faith or have a church family/home, don't be prideful ask for assistance. If one of your parents is an army veterans (of a foreign war) the arm services provide financial assistance.. s The paper work is involved but maybe your brother could assist you and your parents by doing that.

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[Edited 9/23/13 12:26pm]

Just thought I'd share something for anyone who cares. . .

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The Bible acknowledges that anger is a legitimate emotion (Ephesians 4). "Be angry and sin not. Do not let the sun go down on your anger." Even God experiences anger / wrath / righteous indignation. To pretend that we don't feel & genuinely experience anger at times is to deny being human and to lie to ourselves. Stuffing, refusing to express our feelings, pretending the feelings don't exist and / or denying our feelings aren't healthy ways to deal with legitimate feelings and emotion. In fact, if we deny our feelings and / or do not express them properly or choose to stuff them, it can lead to serious spiritual issues.

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What isn't good is stuffing those emotions or going overboard with them (getting out of control which becomes sinful). Expressing displeasure or anger with someone doesn't have to be "over the top". It can simply be expressing displeasure, then walking away and letting it go.

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Regarding responsibilities, if you try giving responsibilites to the irresponsible or to those that could care less (narcissists), I wish you the very best.

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[Edited 9/23/13 12:19pm]

Tempest said:

Just thought I'd share something for anyone who cares. . .

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The Bible acknowledges that anger is a legitimate emotion (Ephesians 4). "Be angry and sin not. Do not let the sun go down on your anger." Even God experiences anger / wrath / righteous indignation. To pretend that we don't feel & genuinely experience anger at times is to deny being human and to lie to ourselves. Stuffing, refusing to express our feelings, pretending the feelings don't exist and / or denying our feelings aren't healthy ways to deal with legitimate feelings and emotion. In fact, if we deny our feelings and / or do not express them properly or choose to stuff them, it can lead to serious spiritual issues.

*

What isn't good is stuffing those emotions or going overboard with them (getting out of control which becomes sinful). Expressing displeasure or anger with someone doesn't have to be "over the top". It can simply be expressing displeasure, then walking away and letting it go.

*

Regarding responsibilities, if you try giving responsibilites to the irresponsible or to those that could care less (narcissists), I wish you the very best.

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[Edited 9/23/13 12:19pm]

Your post is very insightful, but I'd like to offer a bit more to your POV:

While it is certainly unhealthy to repress emotions and feelings, I offer that - as intelligent & evolved human beings - we should control our emotions...our emotions should not control us.

Anger is a very, very powerful emotion. It is a negative emotion. It is an EASY emotion for us to unleash, and brings us "down" into a place were our ego (utilizing other "heavy" emotions) strives to keep us burdened and miserable.

Are there reasons for us to unleash our anger? Of course. God help anyone who hurts one of my kids.

But in the example that the OP presented, I see no reason to burden your soul with anger, when other options may be available to bring about some equity to a difficult situation...one which is increasingly common in today's society.

you're angry... it's not worth it, but it is what it is... hopefully you can work through it (the anger) and come out the other side with some peace

PurpleJedi said:

Tempest said:

Just thought I'd share something for anyone who cares. . .

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The Bible acknowledges that anger is a legitimate emotion (Ephesians 4). "Be angry and sin not. Do not let the sun go down on your anger." Even God experiences anger / wrath / righteous indignation. To pretend that we don't feel & genuinely experience anger at times is to deny being human and to lie to ourselves. Stuffing, refusing to express our feelings, pretending the feelings don't exist and / or denying our feelings aren't healthy ways to deal with legitimate feelings and emotion. In fact, if we deny our feelings and / or do not express them properly or choose to stuff them, it can lead to serious spiritual issues.

*

What isn't good is stuffing those emotions or going overboard with them (getting out of control which becomes sinful). Expressing displeasure or anger with someone doesn't have to be "over the top". It can simply be expressing displeasure, then walking away and letting it go.

*

Regarding responsibilities, if you try giving responsibilites to the irresponsible or to those that could care less (narcissists), I wish you the very best.

*

[Edited 9/23/13 12:19pm]

Your post is very insightful, but I'd like to offer a bit more to your POV:

While it is certainly unhealthy to repress emotions and feelings, I offer that - as intelligent & evolved human beings - we should control our emotions...our emotions should not control us.

Anger is a very, very powerful emotion. It is a negative emotion. It is an EASY emotion for us to unleash, and brings us "down" into a place were our ego (utilizing other "heavy" emotions) strives to keep us burdened and miserable.

Are there reasons for us to unleash our anger? Of course. God help anyone who hurts one of my kids.

But in the example that the OP presented, I see no reason to burden your soul with anger, when other options may be available to bring about some equity to a difficult situation...one which is increasingly common in today's society.

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As I stated up above, it's not good to let anger rule you or go overboard with it (which is sin). The Bible says, be angry and sin not. It doesn't say DO NOT BE ANGRY. We are always supposed to be in control of our emotions (good and bad). Self control is one of the fruits of the Spirit. I never suggested "unleashing" on anyone. Anger can be managed, controlled and expressed in a godly manner. It doesn't have to be out of control.

*

Anger in and of itself is not sin. It is a legitimate emotion and one that should not be denied or suppressed. We need to be honest about what we're feeling inside. Not pretending that our emotions don't exist and stuffing them. It's getting out of control with anger and letting it rule over us that makes it sin (becoming bitter etc.) We are not to let the sun go down on our wrath which means express it (in a godly manner) and then let it go (don't harbor it inside and let it fester). Having rule or self control over our emotions is what's important. If a person says that they're never angry, they're lying to God, themselves and to others. That would make you a robot if you never feel anger or displeasure in life. Stuffing anger and denying it exists within oneself is very dangerous ground (spiritually speaking). You may falsely want to believe that you're not feeling anger, however, you are and only fooling yourself and getting into spiritual bondage by repressing it. It needs to be acknowledged and expressed in healthy ways.

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In other words, ANGER does not equal UNLEASHING. Anger can be expressed without sinning. Allowing our true feelings to be heard and expressed is healthy. Denial is not. Anger WITH self control.

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[Edited 9/24/13 2:09am]

Tempest said:

PurpleJedi said:

Your post is very insightful, but I'd like to offer a bit more to your POV:

While it is certainly unhealthy to repress emotions and feelings, I offer that - as intelligent & evolved human beings - we should control our emotions...our emotions should not control us.

Anger is a very, very powerful emotion. It is a negative emotion. It is an EASY emotion for us to unleash, and brings us "down" into a place were our ego (utilizing other "heavy" emotions) strives to keep us burdened and miserable.

Are there reasons for us to unleash our anger? Of course. God help anyone who hurts one of my kids.

But in the example that the OP presented, I see no reason to burden your soul with anger, when other options may be available to bring about some equity to a difficult situation...one which is increasingly common in today's society.

*

As I stated up above, it's not good to let anger rule you or go overboard with it (which is sin). The Bible says, be angry and sin not. It doesn't say DO NOT BE ANGRY. We are always supposed to be in control of our emotions (good and bad). Self control is one of the fruits of the Spirit. I never suggested "unleashing" on anyone. Anger can be managed, controlled and expressed in a godly manner. It doesn't have to be out of control.

*

Anger in and of itself is not sin. It is a legitimate emotion and one that should not be denied or suppressed. We need to be honest about what we're feeling inside. Not pretending that our emotions don't exist and stuffing them. It's getting out of control with anger and letting it rule over us that makes it sin (becoming bitter etc.) We are not to let the sun go down on our wrath which means express it (in a godly manner) and then let it go (don't harbor it inside and let it fester). Having rule or self control over our emotions is what's important. If a person says that they're never angry, they're lying to God, themselves and to others. That would make you a robot if you never feel anger or displeasure in life. Stuffing anger and denying it exists within oneself is very dangerous ground (spiritually speaking). You may falsely want to believe that you're not feeling anger, however, you are and only fooling yourself and getting into spiritual bondage by repressing it. It needs to be acknowledged and expressed in healthy ways.

*

In other words, ANGER does not equal UNLEASHING. Anger can be expressed without sinning. Allowing our true feelings to be heard and expressed is healthy. Denial is not. Anger WITH self control.

*

[Edited 9/24/13 2:09am]

Thanks for the additional clarification, and I agree with most of what you stated.

However, getting back to the OP who specifically asks: "Is it worth it to be angry at him for not asking what he can do to help?" - I am going to stand firm with my original suggestion that; NO, it is NOT worth the damage to your psyche to feel ANGER towards your BROTHER for this situation. At least not yet...not while perhaps other options may be explored to alleviate the stresses and hardships that one assumes as a primary caregiver to elderly parents. It is a VERY stressful situation from what I see in other people (co-workers & friends) of mine in similar situations. There are always conflicts with the siblings who don't reside with the parents. There are even stresses to the marriage sometimes ( a co-worker of mine is dealing with that). But even she - whose mother is borderline abusive towards her in her very old age - does not allow ANGER to add more stress to her life. She feels frustration and desperation and of course has to put mom in her place every now & then...but she doesn't feel anger towards her sister who isn't there to bear the brunt of the responsibilities and strains to her life.

I think you & I may be seeing this with different opinions of what constitutes anger.

PurpleJedi

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Just to clarify, my comments didn't have anything to do with the OP. I was just musing from my heart about anger, the Bible, how to handle anger, how not to handle anger etc. My comments had nothing to do the OP's sibling situation nor was I suggesting that the OP get angry at the sibling. I was just musing about anger in general (as an emotion) based on some earlier comments.

BlackAdder7 said:

When one family child has all the responibilities of tending to the care of elderly parents, on of whom is 85, and the other is 95..both in and out of the hospital...is it worth it to be angry at the brother who demonstrates lift a finger to help...the brother will say but I live an hour and a half away... Is it worth it to be angry at him for not asking what he can do to help?

It is frustrating, and you should express your feelings, but I don't think the anger is worth it. While you can't (and should not) try to suppress how you feel; there is not much to be gained by harboring a lot of ill will towards your sibling.

I can understand your anger, but it doesn't help matters. Fortunately my brother and I felt the same about caring for our elderly parents. We shared responsibility equall and never once complained about one doing more than the other. We loved our parents unconditionally and took care of them to their dying days. And when they died, their estates were divided straight down the middle, not one bit of fighting or feeling that one got more than the other. And to this day, we both miss them terribly and talk about our fond memories of them. We know we were blessed to have such responsible, loving and generous parents. Just do the best you can and try not to become bitter.

Tempest said:

PurpleJedi

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Just to clarify, my comments didn't have anything to do with the OP. I was just musing from my heart about anger, the Bible, how to handle anger, how not to handle anger etc. My comments had nothing to do the OP's sibling situation nor was I suggesting that the OP get angry at the sibling. I was just musing about anger in general (as an emotion) based on some earlier comments.

ahhhh...ok now.

Because I wasn't feeling good about it in that respect.

PurpleJedi said:

Tempest said:

PurpleJedi

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Just to clarify, my comments didn't have anything to do with the OP. I was just musing from my heart about anger, the Bible, how to handle anger, how not to handle anger etc. My comments had nothing to do the OP's sibling situation nor was I suggesting that the OP get angry at the sibling. I was just musing about anger in general (as an emotion) based on some earlier comments.

ahhhh...ok now.

Because I wasn't feeling good about it in that respect.

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I'm a big muser and sometimes I like to express my thoughts openly as they come to me. I don't mean any harm. Just me sharing from my heart openly as something moves my spirit. I do that a lot. It's a lot easier to get the drift of someone's personality or intent face to face than it is to try and "feel" or understand someone's heart or mind in a forum. Things can easily be misinterpreted or misunderstood online. I totally understand that.