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Printablelangebleu said: LaVisHh said: Surely couples marry for more than just sex. But to have it limited to 6 times a year or less? Maybe it's just wrong to assume sex is a required part of the relationship. You've reminded me of that joke about the sex therapist who is speaking to a group of people.
The therapist asks the assembled mass of depressed attendees, 'How many people here have sex at least once a night?' No-one raises a hand. 'How about once a week?' asks the therapist, and several sad looking individuals raise their hands. 'And what about once a month?' Nearly all the room responds, hands held aloft sheepishly , and each with a glum face. 'And once a year? the therapist continues, eyes roving around the room. One individual raises his hand instantly, with a huge smile on his face, 'Me. Me. I'm once a year,' he celebrates Then why are you so cheerful?' the therapists asks. 'Tonight's the night', beams the man in the corner. Cute.  | |
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LaVisHh said: AmethystAngelMN said: LaVisHh said: AmethystAngelMN said: [...]What is the consensus then if, in a marriage or exclusive longtime relationship, one of the partners becomes unable to provide sex due to illness?[...]Would it be considered justifiable for the healthy partner, who becomes sexually frustrated, to seek outside satisfaction, or to finally call the relationship or marriage quits because they are not having their sexual needs met and satisfied? By the same token, is it unfair of the ill person to stay with the well person, knowing that they are causing their loved one sexual frustration and not knowing if and when they will be able to provide sex again?
Is a relationship or marriage considered dead in the water if one of the parties involved can't provide sex?[...] I see this as a totally different scenario. Illness or the inability to have sex that comes about after marriage is just that. It's not someone making up excuses because they don't want to have sex. I don't think it's an automatic reason for separation, but it definatley needs to be discussed in depth. Both parties involved have to express their true feelings on the matter and come to a compromise. As others have said earlier, sex isn't the main reason for marriage, but as in all other parts of it, there needs to be a balance. I understand what you mean, about illness or inability to have sex being different than merely making up excuses to avoid sex. What made me think about what I had asked was what you said in an earlier post, about one partner having to settle for a liftime of sexual frustration, and how a marriage can be a lifetime commitment if both partners aren't fulfilling each other's needs. I've heard some people say flat out that it's WRONG and selfish of a person who, due to either inability or illness or whatever reason beyond their control, cannot provide sex to their partner and to therefore be keeping that other person stuck in a sexless relationship. And I have talked with women who have suffered a particular illness which caused lack of sex and sexual desire for many, many years, whose husbands and boyfriends or fiances left them, telling them that they loved them, but that a life of little to no sex was an impossibility for them to handle...and I've heard both men and women agree with that declaration, and say it's only understandable for those men to have left, and that it was wrong of the women to expect the men to stay in a marriage or relationship where sex might only rarely occur. I realize purposely withholding sex and not being able to provide sex are very different, but in the end a sexless marriage is a sexless marriage, and the damage that situation can wreak on a relationship is similiar in both cases, I feel. I was just curious about what people might do if they found themselves in such a situation, as either partner..the ill one, or the healthy one. Facing a lifetime of little to no sex, even if it's due to circumstances beyond a partner's control, can be a major strain on the best relationship and can cause feelings of anger and resentment, just like a relationship where someone is withholding purposely. I'm glad you brought this up.  It's sad indeed. 
I can see that happening, and it's tragic. It's also very important for people to be true to themselves and their spouse - with telling them what they can and cannot handle. Personally, even though it would break my heart, I would prefer a man to leave me the honest way, than to have an affair behind my back - which I would eventually find out anyways. I agree. This is a subject that's kind of close to me. It's hard for me to admit in a public forum like this, but the fact is I have a disease that has caused a lot of sexual problems and I have spent many years thinking about all the implications of the sexual problems and what they represent...both to me, and to my partner and our relationship. It can become very complicated to figure out what is right and fair, for each person. My illness has been a blessing in one way, though, and that's that it *has* taught me both how important, AND how unimportant (if that makes any sense) sex is to a truly loving relationship. It's also taught me that while sex is obviously something to be enjoyed, and to have fun with, it's also something that is really a gift and blessing from God...and not just something to be treated cheaply or lightly. When you physically can not experience it, or experience it without pain, you begin to see how valuable a gift it really is, for both yourself and your partner. Sex is taken for granted a lot, and in reality, it shouldn't be. At least, I've come to feel that way. I don't know how much sense I'm making about all this. This is a difficult subject for me to write about. And LaV..if a man truly loves you for you, he would not ever leave you because of lack of sex, even if you told him he should because it hurt you so much to not be able to please him. I have been blessed in discovering that truth for myself. | |
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AmethystAngelMN said: I agree.
This is a subject that's kind of close to me. It's hard for me to admit in a public forum like this, but the fact is I have a disease that has caused a lot of sexual problems and I have spent many years thinking about all the implications of the sexual problems and what they represent...both to me, and to my partner and our relationship. It can become very complicated to figure out what is right and fair, for each person. My illness has been a blessing in one way, though, and that's that it *has* taught me both how important, AND how unimportant (if that makes any sense) sex is to a truly loving relationship. It's also taught me that while sex is obviously something to be enjoyed, and to have fun with, it's also something that is really a gift and blessing from God...and not just something to be treated cheaply or lightly. When you physically can not experience it, or experience it without pain, you begin to see how valuable a gift it really is, for both yourself and your partner. Sex is taken for granted a lot, and in reality, it shouldn't be. At least, I've come to feel that way. I don't know how much sense I'm making about all this. This is a difficult subject for me to write about. And LaV..if a man truly loves you for you, he would not ever leave you because of lack of sex, even if you told him he should because it hurt you so much to not be able to please him. I have been blessed in discovering that truth for myself. What a special person you are, I'm glad to have met you in person. 
And I agree with everything that you said. There are lessons to be learned with every encounter we have - we just have to keep our eyes wide open to see this. | |
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LaVisHh said: What a special person you are, I'm glad to have met you in person.
Thank you. I can definitely say the same about YOU, as well. LaVisHh
I look forward to meeting you again someday soon. There are lessons to be learned with every encounter we have - we just have to keep our eyes wide open to see this.
So very, very true. Something can be learned every day, from practically every person we meet, if we keep our hearts and minds open. | |
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minneapolisgenius said: LaVisHh said: :
I think this is the cause of most affairs outside the marriage, and the person holding off sex from their partner is left wondering why... 
Any theories? That's why I make sure my husband gets everything he wants. And I don't mind doing that for him. It's fun for me as well!  Yea, you go gurl! ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect, it means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections... unknown | |
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teller said: Not asking for what we want is another common problem.
Exactly Teller, communication is so very vital to any relationship. ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect, it means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections... unknown | |
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simply, because a lot of folks like to complain. they complain about anything despite how good things really are. studies show that married couples of in any age group have more sex than their matched single cohorts.
look at prince fans, "we want a solo piano album" but not that piano album, it sucks. "we want a live album" but not that live album, it didn't have so and so on it. we want a club, we don't want a club, i only got third row seats, etc, etc. that being said, there are a lot of issues surrounding sexuality that are difficult to deal with. part of it is associated with the way western society deems sexuality taboo, so, folks have difficulty in communication, and shame associated with their desires. [This message was edited Thu Mar 13 9:25:05 PST 2003 by medoc2003] ------------------------------------------------
"babies, before this is over, we're all gonna be wearing gold plated diapers!" the bruce dickinson | |
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