just wondering if anyone has dealt or is dealing with not seeing your child ?..i really have no idea how to deal with it...i havent seen my 14 year old son for nearly a year ..apart from 2 minutes when i drove over to my exes house and talked to him..i have tried everything i know to get him to see me with no success...i still text him now and again but i get a lot of abuse from him and his mum does not allowed me to phone him or visit the house....

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its been nearly 8 years since myself and my ex split up and she has made it hard for me all the way in having contact with my son...i have tried going down the lawyers route but it did nothing other than give me more large bills to pay...i have constantly told him i love him when texting him and said i am always here for him but nothing is working...i feel like i have lost him and i have been in floods of tears once or twice about it...

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i also have a five year old girl with my new partner and she asks me why her big brother doesnt want to see her anymore ?...what do i say to her ?......i love him and hate him all at the same time and its eating me up inside...i feel i have to keep trying and show him i am always there for him but..i admit...part of me hates him for what he is doing to me and his little sister...that might sound bad but the resentment is growing in me about his behavoir....i just hope i can keep a lid on it...my friends cant believe this has happened because i was always there for him as much as i could be ...gave him as much money as i could afford to and allowed his mum to keep the house when we got divorced...

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just dont understand it all..

[Edited 8/1/13 8:15am]

He's definitely in the rebellion stage that all teenage boys go through. Hopefully he will grow out of that and re-establish contact.

Just continue being there for him any way you can, and always let him know you are ready to meet and/or talk when he is.

Good luck, I know this has to be incredibly tough.

Oh, and let your daughter know that your son is going through a difficult phase that has nothing to do with her, and that with time, they should be able to spend time together.

I've had to do this with my kids and some cousins they have whose parents have "divorced" themselves from my family. It sucks from my viewpoint but my kids completely understood (in this case, understood that their aunt and uncle had poisoned their cousins, and hoped the cousins would eventually see the light).

It seems to me that your son's behavior is the result of what your ex-wife has done/said to him over time. If that's the case, the blame can't really be put on the son. He only knows one side of the story but hopefully he will get to hear and understand the other side (yours).

I will pray for you, your son, your daughter and your family. Please don't beat yourself or your son up over this. I am confident that one day you and your son will reconcile, and I pray that day is sooner rather than later.

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[Edited 8/1/13 8:52am]

whut a topic...

my twenty y/o daughter recently reported that was was 'indifferent' to me.

(which btw is somethin that, in that age range, is thaught to be a most cuttin barb)

not knowin that i had 'done' it to my mother, and my mother to her's.

it's a comment made because the speaker doesn't want to commit to a relationship that

may fall apart in the future anyway...

"the things out of the mouthes of babes"...

most likely if you hear such a statement/declaration, and it cuts you, it's prolly a realization

of an act of your own. as in my case (somewhut).

no preperation can prevent the sting of it, but it does minimize the bleedin over it

thanks for the replys..yes..i have thought it is down to the teenage rebellion stage...but he has been soo indifferent ...soo nasty to me over the past year that i struggle with it...i was a teenager and i would certainly never have dreamed of doing this to my dad....i know parents breaking up is hard on the kids but at no point have i not been there for him...yet i see and hear about dads leaving their kids and having nothing to do with them...no money..nothing...yet here i am...next to no relationship with my son despite wanting it...when i saw him last month after 9 months...i barely recognised him....just bought home to me that i dont know him anymore...

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i guess i just have to accept that its a teenage thing and he will come back to me eventually....but..of course...you never get the time you have lost back...he is changing into a young man and i feel i have lost the boy i once knew..

[Edited 8/1/13 9:54am]

I'm a son of divorced parents.

Sometimes one of the parent does brainwashing to the children. Is your ex capable of that?

Even from the little you wrote it doesn't sound like normal rebellion to me, sounds more like parent alienation.

Preventing a child from seeing a parent (when they are not in any emotional or physical harm) is the most evil thing a custodial parent can do.

I personally do not think you should back off or give up in any way. I know that getting lawyers involved is costly, but your son is worth every penny.

Blackbob, I think I recall you writing something simiar last year. I'm so sorry things haven't improved.

I agree that you shouldn't give up. And I think what Rodeo says with regard to your daughter is spot-on. She needs to know that this has nothing to do with her.

As for your son, have you ever flatly told him how all of this makes you feel? You've told him you'd like to see him. You've told him you love him. He knows those things, then... at least on some intellectual level. But have you ever just told him unreservedly how his rejection truly, deeply hurts you? Kids often think of adults -- especially men -- as some superhuman, emotionally invulnerable species. He may need to be informed otherwise.

I don't believe in laying undue guilt trips on children, but this is quite due. And at 14, your son must have some capacity either to understand his culpability in tearing others apart or to appreciate that he's perhaps being manipulated to do so. Perhaps if you're really candid with him, he'll at least share what's going on in his head... even if it doesn't immediately result in you having more physical time with him.

Do NOT get lawyers involved. From what you've said, although your ex is preventing him from seeing you, the main thing is that he just doesn't want to see you right now.

If you get a lawyer to make him see you, that will NOT help things. It will only make him more hostile towards you. It will also make your ex more hostile, and if she hasn't been purposefully keeping him away, she will after lawyers start banging on her.

You are doing the right thing by constantly reinforcing to him that you love him. Let him know again and again that no matter what he does, you will love him and be there for him. Tell him there is nothing he can do to make you stop loving him, caring for him, and being there for him when he wants you or needs you. Make sure he knows your love is unconditional and unending.

Sooner or later he will be in a situation where your message will be what he hears, and he will reach out for you. I am pretty sure that he will sooner or later have a knock-down, drag-out argument with his mother over something, and he will remember what you've said about being there for him.

Let him know that he is becoming a young man, and you understand that. I promise you, teenager boys at that age do NOT expect be told they are now (young) men, and really appreciate any adult that tells them they are, and treats them accordingly. BTW, you would be going through this part even if your son had always lived with you and was your best friend. There's no avoiding it!

Stay strong, Bob! I am praying for you and your family and will continue to do so unceasingly.

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[Edited 8/1/13 10:09am]

my ex is more than capable of using every trick in the book to turn him against me ....i just always thought that my son would want to see me..no matter what she did or said....guess i was wrong...i am in no way perfect and maybe i could have shown him more of my feelings when i saw him reguarly...

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now that he is nearly 15 and i have been through endless lawyers letters back and forth..i just dont want to go down that route anymore...

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i think i will need to tell him just how bad i have been feeling about this...i guess i havent done it as much as i should have....the problem is that my ex has soo much control over him that i dont know for sure what he is getting or not getting...but i will try this and see if anything comes of it..

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i know some people think that putting these problems out on public forums is wrong but i find some of the replys do help me to get my head around it...my friends can only help soo much..so thanks for all the replys...they do help..

As someone who witnessed a family member deal with parental alienation, I can tell you first hand that being advised to not take legal action is horrible advice.

But you've said you're not interested in doing that, so I really do wish you the best of luck dealing with a child that you said your ex has "soo much control" over.

i gave up using lawyers last year...she kept using any excuse to stop me seeing him time and again and i just had enough of it...never really solved anything...i just relied on my son wanting to see me regardless of lawyers and i guess i was wrong about that but i dont see what going back to them will do...seven years is long enough...we got divorced 5 years ago....enough is enough

As someone who has personally dealt with a similar situation, I can tell you first hand that lawyers will never, ever be able to make your son (or any relative) love you.

Hilarious. No one claimed that lawyers will or can make anyone love anyone.

I was going to advise that one should never take parenting advice from someone that thinks it's entirely appropriate to suggest parents have sex with their kids, but I decided against it.

I work in a law office.

Go seek legal advice from a Family Law lawyer.

blackbob said:

my ex is more than capable of using every trick in the book to turn him against me ....i just always thought that my son would want to see me..no matter what she did or said....guess i was wrong...i am in no way perfect and maybe i could have shown him more of my feelings when i saw him reguarly...

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now that he is nearly 15 and i have been through endless lawyers letters back and forth..i just dont want to go down that route anymore...

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i think i will need to tell him just how bad i have been feeling about this...i guess i havent done it as much as i should have....the problem is that my ex has soo much control over him that i dont know for sure what he is getting or not getting...but i will try this and see if anything comes of it..

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i know some people think that putting these problems out on public forums is wrong but i find some of the replys do help me to get my head around it...my friends can only help soo much..so thanks for all the replys...they do help..

There are attention whores and there are those who reach out in genuine times of need and distress. You've never impressed me as the former.

I wish you well here. I have a daughter just slightly younger than your son, and I can only imagine how tough this must be for you.

blackbob said:

i love him and hate him all at the same time and its eating me up inside...i feel i have to keep trying and show him i am always there for him but..i admit...part of me hates him for what he is doing to me and his little sister...that might sound bad but the resentment is growing in me about his behavoir

that's not a good place to be... you need to find a way to get past those emotions.... they're not healthy for anyone involved

i have a question...why do you think he doesn't want to see you?

MoBetterBliss said:

blackbob said:

i love him and hate him all at the same time and its eating me up inside...i feel i have to keep trying and show him i am always there for him but..i admit...part of me hates him for what he is doing to me and his little sister...that might sound bad but the resentment is growing in me about his behavoir

that's not a good place to be... you need to find a way to get past those emotions.... they're not healthy for anyone involved

i have a question...why do you think he doesn't want to see you?

DAMN!!!

that's one of those qwestions that ask one to figure out

whut song would an ant sing while it was workin

the more the subject is broached, the more one can be accused

of causin pressure/conflict... the more it

ThisOne said:

It sounds like your ex is the one who is poisoning your son's mind about you. There's not much you can do about that other than to continue to show him that you truly love him and care about him. Continue to send texts, remember his birthday and Christmas if you celebrate, show interest in any sports he's involved in by going to the games. BUT, don't ever bad mouth his mom to him or anyone he may talk to. She's probably telling him all kinds of negative stuff about you, but if you stoop to her level, you're no better. If you son sees that you treat her with respect, even in the face of her disdain, he will eventually see that you're not really at fault. And it may even come to pass that your son sees the damage his mom has done and will turn to you instead of her. He may even grow to resent her eventually. Give him time, don't pressure him, but continue the line of communication, even if it is one sided now. I do hope things get better for you.

If your son is 14 then he is old enough to make his own decisions. If he really wants to see you, he will. Don't push it, but don't ignore him either. Just try to remain his dad and attentive to his needs, no matter how tough things are. That's all he really needs from you. Maybe not today, but some day he will.

Tremolina said:

If your son is 14 then he is old enough to make his own decisions. If he really wants to see you, he will. Don't push it, but don't ignore him either. Just try to remain his dad and attentive to his needs, no matter how tough things are. That's all he really needs from you. Maybe not today, but some day he will.

luv4u said:

Tremolina said:

If your son is 14 then he is old enough to make his own decisions. If he really wants to see you, he will. Don't push it, but don't ignore him either. Just try to remain his dad and attentive to his needs, no matter how tough things are. That's all he really needs from you. Maybe not today, but some day he will.

I am a "lawyer" who worked for 2 years helping and advising juveniles and children with legal issues. All sorts of legal issues, but regularly these kind.

alphastreet said:

ThisOne said:

I am in the same position My x is a low life arse hole Kids r smart and eventually work it out Time and patience Try and see him as much as possible and remember - it's not his fault - he misses u too - he is confused - it's harder for him Just don't ever give up!!!!!!!

Continue telling him you love him though also give him space till he figures it out. Never give child support in cash in case his mother turns out to be shady and turns on you, always keep a record and give a cheque or money transfer. Do you wish him on occasions and offer to take him out, just you two? He may eventually appreciate it, and never, ever talk bad about his mom or encourage it even if he does though you can be a good listener and guide him [Edited 8/2/13 5:43am]

Just let him know that his dad will always be his dad and that he will always there for him, no matter what.

artist76 said:

Hi, I'm in vacation, but really wanted to respond to this. I think what Just Erin might be referring to, is that if there is no "evidence" that you have been trying to exercise your right to your child, it could end up that you lose the right legally. I know a mom who even changed her kids' last name to hers, one of the factors (in California) was that the father was 0% involved with the kids and did not exercise his right to visitation, etc. and she had "proof" of this. She went back and just got his visitation rights "revoked" by the court too. In that case, I think it was right - he really was a deadbeat dad - and the kids didn't want to have his last name or ever see him again, for good reason. She wanted her kids to have a loving dad and gave him every chance to be involved, but in the end it was less painful for the kids to just cut him off. You're not a deadbeat dad, but if you don't have evidence to counter her "evidence," who knows what she might be able to wrangle in court. I second a lot of the advice here - 1) he's really still a kid at 14, plus he's influenced by his mom, so you shouldn't blame him; 2) even if he doesn't show it, he needs to know that you're still there for him; 3) if you are a real man and stay steady and strong and be a good example of what fatherly love is, chances are he'll eventually see the light (everyone wants to know both their parents, eventually, even if just out of curiosity); 4) as painful as it is for you, just think of your poor son who is being raised by an unhappy spiteful (I assume) woman, who does not have his father in the home, and is in the throes of adolescence, and it's so hard growing up nowadays. One last piece of advice - you mentioned using lawyers a lot over the years and being fed up. I get it. Lawyering the problem often does not address the root of the problem, much of which is emotional and cannot be fixed by the law. I am a lawyer, and a truly life changing revelation for me was stumbling upon Fisher and Ury at Harvard, and their very practical guide for how to deal with Difficult Conversations. The book is called Difficult Conversations - invest in some time to digest that book, then add Positive NO (a "companion book" which I found helpful for not getting emotionally bullied during the difficult conversation). Practice the techniques in mini-difficult conversations (e.g., with a landlord, a sales clerk who won't give you a refund, move up to a coworker issue). When you feel ready, have a conversation with your ex about this problem. I say, "when you feel ready" because I know that the prospect of discussing, negotiating, and possibly solving this problem with her will seem emotionally scary, a lot to lose with nothing to gain. That's why you should digest the techniques and try them out. You'll feel more empowered (because believe me, it WORKS!) and maybe realize that you actually have everything to gain and nothing to lose by approaching her. Like Lammastide, I remember you posted about this problem about a year ago. My heart goes out to you and your son. I wish you the best of luck! I hope you will be able to post a happier update in a year's time. Don't give up on him!

thanks for taking the time to reply..i will take on board what you have said...i just find all this soo painful that i prefer not to think about it every day and just avoid it for weeks then it comes back into my mind and i have to try and do something about it....thanks for all the replys...they do help..cheers

I don't know your specific situation or the laws where you live, but here (NY specifically) you can take the mom to court if she is preventing you from seeing the child. Aren't there specific rules regarding visitation? (Every Wednesday between 6:00-9:00pm for example, and every other weekend from Friday 6:00pm to Sunday 6:00pm). <- That example would be in the court papers, and if you show up on Friday @ 6:00pm to take the child and she is not there, then SHE is in violation of the court papers.

If there is animosity between the two parties, you can even specify the pick-up & drop-off to be at a neutral place (McDonald's, etc.).

There is NOTHING you can do to prevent the mom from brainwashig the child unfortunately. It's sad that people resort to using their kids for vengeance.


But as you've been told...don't give up. One day he will hopefully come into his own and may realize how f'd up the mom was acting.