I am a product of a completely divorced family. All of my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and my parents have been divorced at least once.

Marriage doesn't make a lot of sense, it's a mold that not many can fit into happily. I am in no way interested in it.

ian said:

See, that's just it. People feel trapped by this silly document, and by silly ideas about love and soulmates and crap, and just make themselves miserable. Why not just feel great loving the people who are loveable, have a great time fucking the people who are fuckable, be extra delighted when those are the same people, and have a happy life?

Run that idea by your wife and you'll be on to divorce before you know it! Thank me later.

tackam said:

I admit that I do fantasize finding someone quirky enough to handle me, to actually find one person that is compatible enough for us to be happy and have fun with life.

But I also know that I shouldn't hold my breath. Whenever I think about it too long, it makes me feel lonely.

INSATIABLE said:

I know what you mean. I'm a big fan of partnership. Just not of ownership.

AzureStar said:

When it's over? What if it never is over?

sawatdiikhrap said:

That's an alien concept to me

Marriage is great. Being with someone u love and just have an absolute ball is what it's about, and the actual marriage is secondary. BUT, I like the commitment of it. I like the feeling of putting my eggs in that basket and saying it's forever.

Some people take marriage seriously, others don't. I think many people now give up on marriages because divorce has become so commonplace and it almost seems ok to go back on your vows. I think that's sad.

I don't think someone should stay in a marriage if they're desperately unhappy, but I do think people should try to work hard at their marriage and not give up at the first sight of some work to be done. Marriage is the same as anything. It rewards u if u put in the hard work.

IMHO.

...
[This message was edited Wed Mar 12 9:43:08 PST 2003 by sawatdiikhrap]

sawatdiikhrap said:

Can you explain why? I'm just curious. Not about wanting to love someone forever, but about wanting to love ONLY one forever. . .why?

tackam said:

I think it feels good to be owned, if it's the right person. I guess that's the key thing, it's gotta be the right one.

So many people I talk to are surprised I got married so young, as if they're scared of that sort of commitment. I think I'm lucky to have two parents with a great marriage, so I've never grown up feeling wary about marriage. I've always felt very good about it and when I luckily met the right one for me it felt very natural and made me extremely happy to get marriage to give my life to another person.

tackam said:

It's a warm, safe feeling. Some people require companionship to be happy, some don't.


Can't spell "some".
[This message was edited Wed Mar 12 9:47:38 PST 2003 by INSATIABLE]

tackam said:

Because I only need this one. And because it's not just about what I want or need anyway. I love this person so I have made it my responsibility to look after her life and try to make her as happy as possible. I want to make her happy and smile as many times as possible in her life, that's my job. If I'm with somebody else how can I be making her as happy as she can be?

I'm giving my life to her, to give her the best life I can.

INSATIABLE said:

Yeah, but companionship doesn't have to be the same person forever. That's what I'm curious about. Monogamy feels warmer and safer to you?
[This message was edited Wed Mar 12 9:50:44 PST 2003 by tackam]

INSATIABLE said:

Exactly. For me, I cannot imagine a life without love, but some can. It's all down to what u want.

I think love can be found in many places, through family for example. I don't think it can be found in one off sexual encounters or brief affairs.

I think love is best found with somebody special who u settle down with. I couldn't imagine my life without this. It'd be ok, but just not as good as it could be.

sawatdiikhrap said:

I see. Well, that's very sweet of you. Thanks for the insight.

Man, things have gotten all gushy. Back to the tragic divorce stories! C'mon, we know you're out there. . .

tackam said:

But this whole thing of talking about it like a choice has been made in such a definite way is wrong. It's not like I ever thought to myself that monogamy feels warm and safe to me. It's just the way u react to the cards u're given. With the cards I was dealt all the analysis goes out of the window. The decision was made for me before I even recognised there was one to be made.

Almost all my friends who've got married
are now divorced, it's quite sad really.

In fact most of them spent many happy
years together before getting married.
Then for some reason, the act of
getting married seems to trigger a
disintegration of their relationships.

3 of my friends who were married, got
divorced within 2 years! Even though
they'd been together for 4-6 years
previously. My brother got married
in september, after living with his
girlfriend for 3 and a half years.
They're currently in the middle of
divorce proceedings.

tackam said:

Yes dammit, u should know I love to talk about my missus far too much. Let's get back to pain and heartbreak.

sawatdiikhrap said:

And that's just the thing: like anything else in life, you're more comfortable with what you know.

For the most part, people like me who have grown up witnessing the sickening pain and agony of this "contract" either follow the same path, or don't want to do it. It's an independent, good feeling to know you're not specifically scouting that out for your life. Life is life, whether or not you want to get married. It doesn't have to be the "norm". I'm wary of people who want to "settle down" quickly. I've been proposed to four times and I'm only 21. These people barely knew me, I barely know myself!

If it ever happens, I want to propose. Then I'll know it's right. I can't imagine feeling completely confident in someone though. I'm not the problem, I work with things and am faithful, not to mention a damn good cook and give a great massage.

INSATIABLE said:

I guess u just never know. U could meet someone when u're 18 and maybe u wouldn't see it. Or maybe u would. Maybe u could meet someone who makes u comfortable but it would take until u're 40.

I think it must have a lot to do with the marriages around u growing up.

Do u agree it's sad the way divorces are the norm now?

I agree about the idea of marriage being the norm seeming a little old-fashioned and unnecessary. I think people shouldn't have that pressure.

My parents, my grandparents, and virtually all of my other married relatives have wonderful relationships. I have a wonderful relationship of 7 years (and I'm only 23). I've seen a lot of marriages work. I'm just happier feeling like my husband and I choose each other every day, rather than being bound in a contract (btw, we got married for immigration reasons, otherwise would probably still be together unmarried).

I think people should do what they need to do to be happy. If that's marriage, I hope you have a great one.

tackam said:

So where are u from?

I must admit my marriage didn't hurt me when it came to getting visas and such like.

tackam said:

I'm happily married! I was speaking about a previous marriage.

Stupid eh? I dunno...I think it objectifies your commitment. The idea is to seal your fate, so that you don't run for the hills every time the going gets tough. Granted, sometimes it's better to divorce, but still...what's so stupid about it?

Especially if there are children...just up and swapping parents isn't good for them. And polygamy makes a mess of the family unit...I guess it works for the Mormons...

sawatdiikhrap said:

I'm American. My husband is Slovak. Immigration is a pain in da butt.

sawatdiikhrap said:

You're right: how a person views things is directly connected to their environment and how they grew up.

And yes, I feel that it's terrible that people are rushing into things they either aren't sure about or aren't willing to put the effort into. The people doing this are lazy and irresponsible, and are hurting the people around then as well as themselves. It's a sacred union and the concept should be treated with more thought and respect.

I'm starting a MONOGAMY thread...

http://www.prince.org/msg...&tid=39915

teller said:

I figured you were talking about a previous marriage.

I just don't see why a piece of government paper makes a commitment any more real. It's obviously a very easy contract to break. Why not just make whatever commitments you want to make to each other? Why government certify it? I just don't get it.

And I don't think more loving adults in their lives hurt children. Monogamy obviously doesn't guarantee a stable family unit either.

People have this sense that polygamy has to mean living a 'swinger' lifestyle, having no commitment and no stability. It CAN be that, but it doesn't have to be.

tackam said:

Some people think tying the not in front of God is actual marriage, and don't use the government paper. It's the ritual itself--it takes the abstract idea of commitment and makes into a concrete thing that you can see on your finger.

It's also nice if the parents and children all have the same last name.

There may also be tax benefits.

teller said:

The religious aspect is a whole 'nother matter. I don't believe in God, but if a person believes in that, I guess they have to follow the rules.

I understand the warm-and-fuzzies of knowing somebody loves you and shares their life with you. I get that. The rest. . .dunno.

If we ever have kids, I don't know WHAT we're going to do about the last name thing. It's something to think about, but shouldn't be a determining factor in building the sort of family that one wants to have.

Taxes. . .sheesh. . .

tackam said:

U're damn right it is. I'm English and my wife is Thai. To get a marriage in the UK we'll have to apply for a marriage visa, for £240. After we fill this in we hand it in and they basically tear up the first one to see whether u're serious about what u're doing. After about 3, and paying £240 each time, they might give me the visa to bring her to the UK to get married here. I have to give a million details about myself, my work, my income, my commitments and prove I can look after us.

I hate red tape. Why so hard for Thais to come to England, but not to Sweden or Holland or other places in Europe?

Grrr!