I have two dear friends. both are more than 100lbs overweight. they share with me their health issues like:

pain in their hip joint area

knee pain

shoulder arm rotary cuff pain

broken chair upon sitting: back spasms

yet i see how they still eat loads of bread. surgary pastries, white rice and foods that will cause weight gain.

now due to the pains from their over-weightness they are more and more chair bound and inactive.

i've tried to share with them good eating habits. (i so love both of them, we have been friends for years.) yet perhaps i'm stepping out of bounds to offer any type of better food choices to either of them.

i don't know what to do. i feel i am loosing two great friends due to their self-inflicted bad health habits.

Just talk to them. Tell how worried you are. If they don't care then they don't care.

It's very kind of you to be concerned. But, you can tell them all about healthy eating until the cows come home. They are morbidly obese for reasons that goes way beyond bad eating habits. They have to want to be willing to help themselves. They need to take the steps to break the addiction to food and deal with why they are dependent on it in the first place.

I think it is a good thing to talk about with them... but in a nice calm manor.

I honestly wish people were more stern with me back when i was tipping the scales! it would have helped me in the long run back then.

Even when i wasn't overweight and lost a lot when i gained it back i wish more people could have said something... but now that i take my health very seriously and i look good i feel great

They may not want to hear that but if their experiencing all those issues something needs to be done.

I have a friend who is... probably about 150-170 ibs overweight. I care for him deeply but he has an issue and he has horrible back problems and can barely stand up straight

It will be hard at first and they won't want to hear it but i think it's worth a try imo.

I don't think it's wrong at all, particularly if they're already sharing their weight-related ailments with you.But you should realize a few things...

It's true that their issue very likely isn't just about food. Might help to encourage exploration of those factors that contribute to their somewhat dysfunctional relationship with food. And, yes, you can perhaps immediately motivate them, but for any sustainable change in lifestyle, they will need to internalize that motivation.

From a practical standpoint, I also find that people often don't respond well to being objectified and taken on as "a project," even as the intervening party may genuinely mean well. If you're going to suggest some plan at a healthier lifestyle, take up the journey with them. Weight may not be a challenge for you, but identify something that is and set a personal goal of addressing it that you'll simultaneously pursue. That way, you become comrade vs. teacher, inspiring peer vs. motivational speaker, and a partner in mutual accountability vs. a unilateral judge.

[Edited 6/1/13 7:27am]

I wish somebody had told me while I was gaining weight.

I read from Kirsty Alley about how she didn't realize how fat she was until she saw a photo of herself. That was me. I did not see ANY of the signs--buying larger and larger clothes, being tired, back aches, feeling lethargic and more depressed than usual. All of it. I didn't see any symptom as a sign of my getting fat. And none of my friends, and even girfriend said nothing to me about it. Then one day, I was fat.

Here's a really funny and sad story. I flew to Birmingham to keep my mom company for Thanksgiving one year. She had seen me the Thanksgiving before, and I was my usual healthy weight (I look damned good in shape). So, when I got off the plane and in to the terminal she was looking around for me, and I stood right in front of her . Then when she realized it was me, she couldn't bring herself to smile. She hugged me, but appeared stunned. When That weekend, she took me to the nursing home to visit some relatives on my dad's side of the family, both senior citizens. When I met with Uncle Carol (he was 80 years old), he saw he and said, "Oh wow. Boy, you've gotten really fat!" I laughed it off of course thinking that I obviously had gained some weight, but that I wasn't fat. I then saw some folks and all of them commented on how fat I was.

...AND, it still didn't sink in. I still had no clue how fat I was. None
Had close friend or my girlfriend said that to me, and even forced me to see it, I would have probably been annoyed, but realize it much, much sooner. It's much easier to prevent yourself from getting fat, than to lose it once you are fat.

All these years, and with me getting into decent shape again--I still remember that stunned look on my mom's face.

imago said:

I wish somebody had told me while I was gaining weight.

I read from Kirsty Alley about how she didn't realize how fat she was until she saw a photo of herself. That was me. I did not see ANY of the signs--buying larger and larger clothes, being tired, back aches, feeling lethargic and more depressed than usual. All of it. I didn't see any symptom as a sign of my getting fat. And none of my friends, and even girfriend said nothing to me about it. Then one day, I was fat.

Here's a really funny and sad story. I flew to Birmingham to keep my mom company for Thanksgiving one year. She had seen me the Thanksgiving before, and I was my usual healthy weight (I look damned good in shape). So, when I got off the plane and in to the terminal she was looking around for me, and I stood right in front of her . Then when she realized it was me, she couldn't bring herself to smile. She hugged me, but appeared stunned. When That weekend, she took me to the nursing home to visit some relatives on my dad's side of the family, both senior citizens. When I met with Uncle Carol (he was 80 years old), he saw he and said, "Oh wow. Boy, you've gotten really fat!" I laughed it off of course thinking that I obviously had gained some weight, but that I wasn't fat. I then saw some folks and all of them commented on how fat I was.

...AND, it still didn't sink in. I still had no clue how fat I was. None
Had close friend or my girlfriend said that to me, and even forced me to see it, I would have probably been annoyed, but realize it much, much sooner. It's much easier to prevent yourself from getting fat, than to lose it once you are fat.

All these years, and with me getting into decent shape again--I still remember that stunned look on my mom's face.

Question: You'd been in great shape prior to this. What was it that caused you to blow up so fast over a short year's time?

I think KitBradley is right. No matter how well-intentioned your comments are, I don't think they will help, honestly. People who are morbidly obese, or close to it, need to want it themselves first.

If it is truly impacting their health I think you can express your concern if you come at it with compassion and love. And that's the right way to express it, as concern.

However, as others have said above, there really isn't a whole lot you can do. You can offer support and I particularly like lammastide's idea of trying to tackle something together but they will have to want to change on their own.

One thing is certain, they do KNOW they are obese and they know it's the cause of their health issues. You won't be enlightening them to something they don't already live with every damn day of their lives.

Lammastide said:

imago said:

I wish somebody had told me while I was gaining weight.

I read from Kirsty Alley about how she didn't realize how fat she was until she saw a photo of herself. That was me. I did not see ANY of the signs--buying larger and larger clothes, being tired, back aches, feeling lethargic and more depressed than usual. All of it. I didn't see any symptom as a sign of my getting fat. And none of my friends, and even girfriend said nothing to me about it. Then one day, I was fat.

Here's a really funny and sad story. I flew to Birmingham to keep my mom company for Thanksgiving one year. She had seen me the Thanksgiving before, and I was my usual healthy weight (I look damned good in shape). So, when I got off the plane and in to the terminal she was looking around for me, and I stood right in front of her . Then when she realized it was me, she couldn't bring herself to smile. She hugged me, but appeared stunned. When That weekend, she took me to the nursing home to visit some relatives on my dad's side of the family, both senior citizens. When I met with Uncle Carol (he was 80 years old), he saw he and said, "Oh wow. Boy, you've gotten really fat!" I laughed it off of course thinking that I obviously had gained some weight, but that I wasn't fat. I then saw some folks and all of them commented on how fat I was.

...AND, it still didn't sink in. I still had no clue how fat I was. None
Had close friend or my girlfriend said that to me, and even forced me to see it, I would have probably been annoyed, but realize it much, much sooner. It's much easier to prevent yourself from getting fat, than to lose it once you are fat.

All these years, and with me getting into decent shape again--I still remember that stunned look on my mom's face.

Question: You'd been in great shape prior to this. What was it that caused you to blow up so fast over a short year's time?

Here's what I think it was.

Even though I was in great shape, I was OBSESSED with muscle. I have always wanted to be 'big' like Vin Diesel. Don't ask why.

So, I ate more deliberately and was going to the gym religiously. The problem was I was also pursuing a Masters degree, and I was on shift work for 1 year. I gained almost all of it in a very quick 6 month period during shift work.

I ate too much. I stopped going to the gym.
And, like I said, I didn't pay attention to the obvious ques (clothes not fitting, etc.).

When you're t-shirts stop fitting you, it's not because the dryer is shrinking them too much. You're getting fatter. It never dawned on me.


So, shift work, increased calories, and a less active lifestyle.
Combine that with halting my 2 to 3 night a week clubbing habbit (and I clubbed to go dancing--not to get ass), and the calorie-to-burn ratio shifted so dramatically, I just blew up.

Oh, and I'm prone to depression. Seasonal depression normally, but it's not always seasonal.

Sooooo....... The key for me is constant activity and exercise and minimizing stress.
I'm getting much better at it, and the results are showing.

Efan said:

I think KitBradley is right. No matter how well-intentioned your comments are, I don't think they will help, honestly. People who are morbidly obese, or close to it, need to want it themselves first.

Although I agree with this, I also think it depends on the person.

A person who has been obese all or most of their adult life (and for some, childhood), need not be pestered by this. It only makes it worse, I think.

But in my situation, I had spent most of my life thin or medium. I honestly wish my friends had been much more forceful with me as I was gaining the weight.

I believe my sinusitus, my eczema, and various other 'minor' ailments over the last 6 to 7 years can be attributed to that. I could be wrong, but when I was in shape, I can count on 1 hand how many times I had a cold in my entire life.

imago said:

Efan said:

I think KitBradley is right. No matter how well-intentioned your comments are, I don't think they will help, honestly. People who are morbidly obese, or close to it, need to want it themselves first.

Although I agree with this, I also think it depends on the person.

A person who has been obese all or most of their adult life (and for some, childhood), need not be pestered by this. It only makes it worse, I think.

But in my situation, I had spent most of my life thin or medium. I honestly wish my friends had been much more forceful with me as I was gaining the weight.

I believe my sinusitus, my eczema, and various other 'minor' ailments over the last 6 to 7 years can be attributed to that. I could be wrong, but when I was in shape, I can count on 1 hand how many times I had a cold in my entire life.

But in your case, were you 100 lbs. overweight? I take the OP to mean that these friends have been seriously overweight for a while now. I do think it's another thing entirely when someone very close to you either loses or gains weight very rapidly--that can be a sign of something big going on in their lives and a good friend most likely should ask if everything is all right. That could really help them.

Efan said:

imago said:

Although I agree with this, I also think it depends on the person.

A person who has been obese all or most of their adult life (and for some, childhood), need not be pestered by this. It only makes it worse, I think.

But in my situation, I had spent most of my life thin or medium. I honestly wish my friends had been much more forceful with me as I was gaining the weight.

I believe my sinusitus, my eczema, and various other 'minor' ailments over the last 6 to 7 years can be attributed to that. I could be wrong, but when I was in shape, I can count on 1 hand how many times I had a cold in my entire life.

But in your case, were you 100 lbs. overweight? I take the OP to mean that these friends have been seriously overweight for a while now. I do think it's another thing entirely when someone very close to you either loses or gains weight very rapidly--that can be a sign of something big going on in their lives and a good friend most likely should ask if everything is all right. That could really help them.

No, not 100 pounds overweight, definately.

But if you factor the weight of my penis, it would throw my BMI off the charts.

NDRU said:

I just want to say that I am really worried about all of you!

Your comedic wit needs to be celebrated.

imago said:

Efan said:

But in your case, were you 100 lbs. overweight? I take the OP to mean that these friends have been seriously overweight for a while now. I do think it's another thing entirely when someone very close to you either loses or gains weight very rapidly--that can be a sign of something big going on in their lives and a good friend most likely should ask if everything is all right. That could really help them.

No, not 100 pounds overweight, definately.

But if you factor the weight of my penis, it would throw my BMI off the charts.

I was once at least abotu 150 ibs overweight in HS

Gunsnhalen said:

imago said:

No, not 100 pounds overweight, definately.

But if you factor the weight of my penis, it would throw my BMI off the charts.

I was once at least abotu 150 ibs overweight in HS

Stop whoring your weightloss thread

aardvark15 said:

Take them clubbing every weekend they'll burn off the calories in no time

They'll probably stop hanging out with you if they feel you are judging them.

I would probably not ever say anything unless they brough the subject up first, unless, like drug abuse, it was interfering with our relationship in some way.

Otherwise, I think people are aware that it's bad for them, no point in lecturing. They could probalby tell me a few things I need to change, too

imago said:

Efan said:

I think KitBradley is right. No matter how well-intentioned your comments are, I don't think they will help, honestly. People who are morbidly obese, or close to it, need to want it themselves first.

Although I agree with this, I also think it depends on the person.

A person who has been obese all or most of their adult life (and for some, childhood), need not be pestered by this. It only makes it worse, I think.

But in my situation, I had spent most of my life thin or medium. I honestly wish my friends had been much more forceful with me as I was gaining the weight.

I believe my sinusitus, my eczema, and various other 'minor' ailments over the last 6 to 7 years can be attributed to that. I could be wrong, but when I was in shape, I can count on 1 hand how many times I had a cold in my entire life.

That's exactly right. If someone has been "normal" size for most of their entire life, they are less likely to get offended if someone tells them they've noticed that their weight is creeping up on them because they've been in control of their weight most of their life and they know they can get it back in control again. But with someone who has been overweight most of their life, losing the weight seems hopeless and too much work to in order to lose it. Dieting is absolutely miserable because you crave the hell out of the delicious foods you're used to but you know if you eat it, you're not going to lose the weight. You have to really want to lose it in order to do it because it's hard, so saying something to someone who has been overweight their entire life will more than likely piss them off because they're going to think you're being an asshole and there are plenty of assholes out there who actually enjoy downing people because it makes them feel like they're superior. There's people who care but the assholes do exist and there are many of them.

It's best to just leave them alone and let them eat and be happy. If eating is what comforts them or makes them happy, let them do it. If they make comments like "Oh, I sure wish I could lose some of this weight, I just hate being fat", then you can give advice on how to do it and even offer to help them do it because they've opened up the conversation to it. But otherwise, leave them alone and let them do what they want. When they're really ready to lose it, they'll give it a try but if they never decide to lose it, that's their business.

alphastreet said:

Take them clubbing every weekend they'll burn off the calories in no time

That only worked in the past. Honey, they'll GAIN weight in the clubs these days with all that slow ass music they play.

vainandy said:

alphastreet said:

Take them clubbing every weekend they'll burn off the calories in no time

That only worked in the past. Honey, they'll GAIN weight in the clubs these days with all that slow ass music they play.

vainandy said:

alphastreet said:

Take them clubbing every weekend they'll burn off the calories in no time

That only worked in the past. Honey, they'll GAIN weight in the clubs these days with all that slow ass music they play.

I read somewhere and idk how true it is... but there was some reading done about how people were fitter in the 70's cause of funk and disco in the clubs. And even some of the rock!

Idk how true that is but...

vainandy said:

Gunsnhalen said:

thank you all for your opinions and view points. i will now merge and decide.

in the meantime, i'll

after all they are still my friends "no matter what."

ps. thx again all