Alright fellow orgers...since we give out all sorts of advice on here...I need some now.

Has to do with junior, my 14 year old (turning 15 soon).

He is addicted to electronics.

His daily routine involves coming home from school, finishing up whatever homework he didn't complete during school hours (he has free time), then plopping down in front of either his laptop or the TV to play video games (typically Minecraft). When he's not playing Minecraft he's watching Youtube videos of Minecraft. Other than a dinner break, he stays glued to the screen until it's time to shower & go to bed.

I have sat him down and told him that he needs to find other things to do besides video games & TV. That he's going to soon (hopefully) want to have a girlfriend, and he needs to be interesting...to have interests such as music, and know things about the world & society. I even bought him a subscription to Rolling Stone.

He is not interested.

I even threatened him that if he doesn't cut down on electronics, I'm going to take them away. In fact this past weekend I pulled out the latest issue of R.S., and forced him to shut down the laptop. He refused to read it. I gave him a choice...read the magazine, tell me about 3 articles, or go outside and rake the leaves.
He raked the leaves.


Yesterday I came home, told him to shut off the laptop and told him to read a book. I gave him one of my Star Wars books. He's into Star Wars. He took it, read a page or two, and fell asleep.



So if talks and threats and physically taking the electronics away won't get him animated, what else?

Any of you dealing with something similar? Any of you go through something like this yourselves?
I remember my folks getting on my case because I used to sit inside and draw all day long, rarely stepping outside to play. But at least I also read books and - by his age - was already starting a music collection and learning about modern culture.

Junior is a very, very intelligent kid BUT insular and awkward. And stubborn. He also is just hitting puberty now.

I dunno. Am I overreacting? Am I underreacting? I just don't want him growing up to be that 30 y.o. slacker living in my basement, working at McDonalds & playing video games all day, watching the world pass him by (I've told him this).

I figured I'd hit the Org before I run out and buy parenting books (I have 2 on my Amazon Wishlist so far).

You may want to consider software where you can set time limits for your son to be online. Net Nanny, Norton Family, and/or Safe Eyes. http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2372155,00.asp

I had a friend that purchased one of these time limit softwares and she told her kids had to pick one day during the school week to do something else besides the getting on net or playing video games. Definitely tie academic performance to your son's access to his electronics. Grades point average goes down, grade slips a grade, doesn't turn in homework on time whatever... take away his access. Another thing about the homework, whatever homework he does at school, tell him he has to bring it home and let you see it and see the grade received... if he doesn't follow through everytime limit his access.

If he's really into gadgets talk with him about going beyond playing games... and consider learning on his own how these systems or programs work. We do have a shortage of computer programmers in the US. Actually the Raspberry Pie could be an option for him to learn something about how those games he plays , such as mine-craft work. Ask him if he is curious about a subject or wants to learn how to do something with he hands and brain. Maybe you two or all your kids can find something you guys can learn how to do something as a group. But yeah limit his time on the net...

There're other options too.

PJ. You can purchase a router too that can limit time on the net via IP address or some computers (like Macs ) allow you to setup time constraints. Here's a device you may want to consider... I like this more but maybe Best Buy and/or any electronic store can make some suggestions.

You guys can discuss how many hours a day he and your other kids can access Wifi. Or you can do what one of my friends did they decided how many hours a day. Yeah, their kids whined and bitch but they found something else to do, they didn't have a choice.

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[Edited 5/8/13 12:30pm]

TD3 said:

You may want to consider software where you can set time limits for your son to be online. Net Nanny, Norton Family, and/or Safe Eyes. http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2372155,00.asp

I had a friend that purchased one of these time limit software and she told her kids the had to pick one day during the school week and do something else besides the getting on the net or playing video games. Definitely tie academic performance to your son's access to his electronics. Grades point average goes down, grade slips a grade, doesn't turn in homework on time whatever... take away his access. Another thing about the homework, whatever homework he does at school, tell him he has to bring it home and let you see it and see the grade received... if he doesn't follow through everytime limit his access.

If he's really into gadgets talk with him about going beyond playing games... and consider learning on his own how these systems or programs work. We do have a shortage of computer programmers in the US. Actually the Raspberry Pie could be an option for him to learn something about how those games he play , such as mine-craft work. Ask him if he is curious about a subject or wanting to learn how to do something with he hands and brain. Maybe you two or all your kids can find something you guys can learn how to do together. But yeah limit his time on the net...

There're other options too.

PJ, You can purchase a router too that can limit time on the net via IP address or some computers (like Macs ) allow you to setup time constraints. Here's a device you may want to consider... I like this more but maybe Best Buy and/or any electronic store can make some suggestions.

You guys can discuss how many hours a day he or you other kids can access Wifi. Or you can do what one of my friends did they decided how many hours a day. Yeah they whined and bitch but they found something else to do, they didn't have a choice.

Thanks Trina!

Junior gets good grades. He could get BETTER grades (he has the potential to be straight-A but he just puts in enough to get by). All the teachers love him, but they all say the same thing; "He does good, but he could be doing BETTER.")

I think that I like the idea of scheduled "tech-free" days. Maybe Tuesdays and Thursdays.

The weekends are not much of a problem b/c I am always finding "stuff" to do with them, especially now in the warmer weather. I force him to come along.

I will look into that router though...sounds interesting.

Hang on - he raked the leaves?!?

All you had to do was shutdown the laptop, give him a choice of reading or raking the leaves, and he raked the leaves?!?

Bro, you have hit the lottery and just don't know it yet. No more yardwork for you!

My kids have been playing Terraria, Roblox and Mini-militia (on iPod). Since they got Terraria I have found them unco-operative, unhelpful, inconsiderate, unimaginative and argumentative. No joke.

I put a weeklong ban on the gaming. I told them before I reinstate ANY gaming I want to see some evidence of them reading, building, drawing, writing, playing, THINKING and using their imaginations.

Once I see the evidence I will decide what my next step will be (at the moment I'm tossing around the idea that gaming should be an exclusively weekend thing. They were playing one hour per day up until Monday)

First day they suffered withdrawals BAD, my nearly 13 year old was bawling like a baby.

Tuesday, the second day, they drew hopscotch squares with chalk and played outside until it got dark

Last night after dinner they watched TV with me - we actually watched a fairly lighthearted current affairs program, and then modern family. We aren't passive watchers, in fact we spend the whole time talking and laughing together about anything and everything. When bedtime came, everyone was cooperative and went to bed. There was no crying, whining, complaining or fighting.

They have not been asking about gaming.

It's so weird.

My middle son has had a weeklong ban before and he copes very well, in fact was not even upset this time and said "I've done this before guys, it's no big deal"

I thought I would have trouble being that my eldest has his own laptop supplied by his school. The school rules are that the laptop is not used in the child's bedroom, and we charge it overnight in our bedroom. I really hope our ban isn't driving him to game at recess and lunch at school!

To me it's so clear, gaming should be a privilege not a right.

I have sat him down and told him that he needs to find other things to do....

I'm not telling you how to raise your kid, but telling he needs to do something may not be the right approach.

I have two boys and I took matters in my own hands. The best thing I ever did was enrolling them in activities (sports and school clubs). They didn't like it at first, but has learn to love it. It's done wonders for them socially and academically. They are more confident and have a much higher self esteem that other kids who are electronically bound. If I waited for my kids to to something, I'd still be waiting. I was 14 once, I remember!

Just do it, he will thank you later.

[Edited 5/8/13 18:07pm]

Let him read books on the kindle/whateva....

As long as he's reading... I wouldn't care if it was from a book, as long as the content of what he is reading is helping his creativity or expanding his knowledge.

Later ask him what HE likes... then go from there. If he doesn't know what he likes... take cues from a favorite show, or just introduce him to all sorts of stuff you may not like.

I think he may just be resistant to doing the things you introduce him to.

[Edited 5/8/13 20:22pm]

PurpleJedi said:

Alright fellow orgers...since we give out all sorts of advice on here...I need some now.

Has to do with junior, my 14 year old (turning 15 soon).

He is addicted to electronics.

That's the problem. He's addicted.

So, read up about addiction and reach out for help at a Minnesota group.
Ask them for advice.

Talk to him about it as an addiction.

Like any addict he will want to avoid the subject. But try to go through that barrier.

Discuss his withdrawal symptoms and what the costs of his addiction are.

It's very hard to convince an addict that his addiction is not good for him.

I really think you need to get specialized advice about how to handle him.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have sat him down and told him that he needs to find other things to do besides video games & TV.

* That is what you think. But from his perspective that is bullocks.Why should he?

You are forcing your opinion as a truth that he has to adopt.

In stead of telling him how he should be, you could ask him what he likes and how he found out what kind of things he likes. Ask him and if he doesn't know, help him to explore what his interests are.

*Nobody likes to be told by somebody else, what kind of person he has to be.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That he's going to soon (hopefully) want to have a girlfriend, and he needs to be interesting...

* That seems not a very good motivator. He needs to be interesting for other people?

I really disagree with that. He needs to find out what kind of things make him feel good and happy.

However, life is stressfull, and addictions are the easy way out.

And he has an addiction that stands in the way of finding out what he likes in life and who he is.

I think you are teaching him to value himself only by the judgement of others (girls).

Why don't you teach him to value himself for who he is? And investigate what kind of things he loves. Because when he can arrange a life for himself with doing what he loves, he will be happy. And he will attract people that have similar interests and who naturally like him for who he is. He might even run in to a girl and fall in love, while being himself.

Don't teach him to be an image in order to get a girlfriend, because that is what the media says. Teach him to find out what he really likes to do and what he is scared of. And help him to face his fears, so he doesn't need to be addicted.

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to have interests such as music, and know things about the world & society. I even bought him a subscription to Rolling Stone.

He is not interested.

* Of course not. It's your interest. Not his.

You force him to be interested in music. Why? If he doesn't care about it, it's not much of a life to must read an old people's magazin about music, is it?

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I even threatened him that if he doesn't cut down on electronics, I'm going to take them away.

*How would you feel if somebody told you you can't be on the org anymore, or else take your computer away?

That feeling is what he feels about your intervention.

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In fact this past weekend I pulled out the latest issue of R.S., and forced him to shut down the laptop. He refused to read it.

*Of course. I would not read a magazine that somebody else forces upon me too.

Again, it's not his interest. It's yours.

*Why don't you ask him what he would like to read about? Explore it together, in stead of you forcing your values and interests upon him.

I gave him a choice...read the magazine, tell me about 3 articles, or go outside and rake the leaves.
He raked the leaves.

*I understand him. You are the authority and you are forcing him to be somebody he is not. He feels powerless, because there is no dialogue between you about him.

It's you telling him how he should be.

You are not asking him about his life, about his fears, about his insecurities.

You are not engaging in a conversation or showing interest in his personality.

You are forcing your own ideas of pleasing other people according societal norms to him.

How can he develop his own identity if he has to be the way you think he should be?

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Yesterday I came home, told him to shut off the laptop and told him to read a book. I gave him one of my Star Wars books. He's into Star Wars. He took it, read a page or two, and fell asleep.

So, he did what you asked. What's wrong with that?

Besides, teenagers need a lot of sleep.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So if talks and threats and physically taking the electronics away won't get him animated, what else?

* Would that help with you? I mean, if somebody would threaten me about my addiction (the org), I would get angry and frustrated.

If somebody offers me an interesting or fun alternative, I would respond better.

Try to seduce him with things that he likes.

But, first of all, inform yourself and him about video games addiction.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Any of you dealing with something similar? Any of you go through something like this yourselves?

I'm addicted to the org and facebook.

I try to cut down, but it'snot easy.

I remember my folks getting on my case because I used to sit inside and draw all day long, rarely stepping outside to play. But at least I also read books and - by his age - was already starting a music collection and learning about modern culture.

I was neglected as a kid. The great thing about that was that I had the time and liberty to find out who I was. I did not have anybody tell me how I should be. And I grow confidence because I did everything myself.

I do have authority issues, but I'd rather have that, than being drilled in a kid that has to obey to the norms of hypocrite society.

My parents still support me in being and doing what I like. They would not want me to become unhappy just to fit in.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Junior is a very, very intelligent kid BUT insular and awkward. And stubborn. He also is just hitting puberty now.

I dunno. Am I overreacting? Am I underreacting? I just don't want him growing up to be that 30 y.o. slacker living in my basement, working at McDonalds & playing video games all day, watching the world pass him by (I've told him this).

I figured I'd hit the Org before I run out and buy parenting books (I have 2 on my Amazon Wishlist so far).

**I don't think you are overreacting. I think you are doing exactly the right thing.

You realize there is something going on with him.

And you try to help him.

And you reach out to others about how to help him.

You are a truly great father. I really admire you for that.

Talk to him about addiction and how his gaming gets him in a relaxed, dazed state, however, that there are possibly negative consequences.

Don't tell him the consequences yourself, sit down and ask him what they can be.

Sit down together and let him write a balance of positives and negatives of his gaming behaviour.

And explore what the consequences are of those positive and negative consequences in the short term and on the long term.

Than ask him what he thinks about it.

Just give him time to work this out, talk about it with him and give him time to process it.

And offer him help.

You are such a great father.

I admire you for how you have dealt with the divorce and how you are with your kids.

I'm fully confident that you guys will be allright.

Purplejedi said: I have sat him down and told him that he needs to find other things to do besides video games & TV.

huh?!!!

i really don't know if this advice ill help. my nephew is much the way you describe your son to be. maybe you could consider tying his fascination into online into schooling. allow him to do what he does with his PC on condition he:

audit a class at MIT online;
if he loves watching YouTube clips give him the software to make his own;
introduce a requirement that he watch at least three documentaries per week and report to you;
enroll him in technical college where he can become a programmer. jobs in those fields are hot right now.


maybe if you indulge him in the right way, you could help him channel his interests into a real career. my 2c

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Rodeo:

Zombie: I hear ya...I'm going to implement "tech free" days.

G3000: I sat down and had a conversation with him, so when I said "told" him it was more like "explained to him". I tried forcing him to do sports when he was younger (soccer and karate). Did not work.

aardvark: If he did OTHER things besides gaming, I wouldn't mind him staying indoors (I was like that). But I hadn't thought about a "design club" or something like that. I'm going to look into that.


painted: You gave me a good idea! I'm going to buy him a Kindle/Nook and see if he finds reading more palatable if it's electronic!

dJJ: Thanks for the lengthy response. You make some very good points.
Part of my problem is that he is VERY insular. Doesn't let anyone in. Every day when I come home, it goes like this;
Me: Hey, how's it going?
Him: Good.
Me: How was school.
Him: Good.
Me: What'd you do in school today?
Him: The same old - same old.
Me: Did you learn anything new?
Him: Nope.
Meanwhile, when I ask the other two how their day went, I get an animated & detailed report.
So yeah I try to "force" my likes upon him, because he doesn't HAVE any of his own (ergo my headache). I have asked him what he likes and what interests him, and he shrugs his shoulders.
I used the girlfriend angle in case he's starting to get interested in them. Whatever works, you know?
But thanks for the compliment!

XxAxX: I actually just downloaded a video program onto his laptop so that he can make Youtube videos. I'll try to get him going on that.


As a last resort, I'm going to "accidentally" leave a Playboy laying around where he can find it...THAT will get him interested in something other than video games!

i don't know your whole story... and i don't know what will get your son involved in other stuff... my advice there would be to keep offering options

as far as him being insular.... maybe he's carrying a lot of stuff from your marriage breakup.... if so, getting to the bottom of that is more likely to see a positive change in him

but all that aside

work out what is an acceptable amount of time for him to be gaming, and enforce that, regardless of what he does (or doesn't do) when he's not gaming... set the boundaries, and stick to them... even though it's a pain in the arse to do so

good luck man

PurpleJedi said:

TD3 said

PJ, You can purchase a router too that can limit time on the net via IP address or some computers (like Macs ) allow you to setup time constraints. Here's a device you may want to consider... I like this more but maybe Best Buy and/or any electronic store can make some suggestions.

You guys can discuss how many hours a day he or you other kids can access Wifi. Or you can do what one of my friends did they decided how many hours a day. Yeah they whined and bitch but they found something else to do, they didn't have a choice.

Thanks Trina!

Junior gets good grades. He could get BETTER grades (he has the potential to be straight-A but he just puts in enough to get by). All the teachers love him, but they all say the same thing; "He does good, but he could be doing BETTER.")

I think that I like the idea of scheduled "tech-free" days. Maybe Tuesdays and Thursdays.

The weekends are not much of a problem b/c I am always finding "stuff" to do with them, especially now in the warmer weather. I force him to come along.

I will look into that router though...sounds interesting.

You are welcome. I missed most of the tech stuff with my kid but we've had to establishes some home rules. I noticed about 2 years ago my family and friends constantly keep their eyes cast downward with their hands moving at dinner time no less. My father-in-law said, it look like everyone were playing with themselves.

At that age there could be a host of things going on with him and I see nothing wrong with you delving in and find out what's going on in his head. I'm sure he's interested in more than one single thing.

Given all that's been going on with your divorce maybe more one on one time with Dad without the other 2 siblings, on some project even if he doesn't want to, in case he's trying to work too much stuff out in his own head.

.

I don't know if college is in the picture but I'm sure he can use some volunteer hours on his college app.

.

I don't know what the after school activities are like where you are especially trying to juggle 3 different kids and a job, I know with 2 it was rough but that does get them with other people and possible spark some other interest.

.

Talk to his school counselor and find out what he really does in school.

paintedlady said:

Let him read books on the kindle/whateva....

As long as he's reading... I wouldn't care if it was from a book, as long as the content of what he is reading is helping his creativity or expanding his knowledge.

Later ask him what HE likes... then go from there. If he doesn't know what he likes... take cues from a favorite show, or just introduce him to all sorts of stuff you may not like.

I think he may just be resistant to doing the things you introduce him to.

This.

Plus...he's a teenager! It is their job to be contrary. He probably thinks Rolling Stone is old and (he ain't wrong). That's your interest, but it may not be his.

I think getting him a Kindle is a great idea. But if you want him to read, get a reader - not a tablet. Give him a reading "allowance" - to be used for books he wants to read, subject to your approval.

Poor kid. Does not make contact and secludes himself in his video games.


Maybe you can find time for just the two of you.

Where you both don't need to be somewhere or do something.


Maybe you can take him for a walk?


I remember I did that with my little brothers when they were teenagers.

I would start talking with them about a video game, and ask him about who were in their class.

I made sure I was chatting about light subjects and just listened a lot.
Eventhough I'm used to talk a lot, I did train myself to hold my tongue and just listen to them.
And ask before I judged.


However, asking the right questions to a teenager is a minefield. As soon as they sense that you uncounsciously do try to impose your values in the conversation, they check out.



I can imagine he's got a lot of internal turmoil and is overwhelmed with his own emotions and all the stuf that is going on. Besides the already complex social labyrinth of teenage peers, but also the stuff that has been going on at home, are probably confusing to him.

I know I'm just babbling advice, which is easy when not having to do it myself. I just hope that maybe some of it can be useful or can open up a different thinking mode.



And don't forget that he is a teenager. It's healthy to rebel and be against authority figures.

PurpleJedi said:

Alright fellow orgers...since we give out all sorts of advice on here...I need some now.

Has to do with junior, my 14 year old (turning 15 soon).

He is addicted to electronics.

His daily routine involves coming home from school, finishing up whatever homework he didn't complete during school hours (he has free time), then plopping down in front of either his laptop or the TV to play video games (typically Minecraft). When he's not playing Minecraft he's watching Youtube videos of Minecraft. Other than a dinner break, he stays glued to the screen until it's time to shower & go to bed.

I have sat him down and told him that he needs to find other things to do besides video games & TV. That he's going to soon (hopefully) want to have a girlfriend, and he needs to be interesting...to have interests such as music, and know things about the world & society. I even bought him a subscription to Rolling Stone.

He is not interested.

I even threatened him that if he doesn't cut down on electronics, I'm going to take them away. In fact this past weekend I pulled out the latest issue of R.S., and forced him to shut down the laptop. He refused to read it. I gave him a choice...read the magazine, tell me about 3 articles, or go outside and rake the leaves.
He raked the leaves.


Yesterday I came home, told him to shut off the laptop and told him to read a book. I gave him one of my Star Wars books. He's into Star Wars. He took it, read a page or two, and fell asleep.



So if talks and threats and physically taking the electronics away won't get him animated, what else?

Any of you dealing with something similar? Any of you go through something like this yourselves?
I remember my folks getting on my case because I used to sit inside and draw all day long, rarely stepping outside to play. But at least I also read books and - by his age - was already starting a music collection and learning about modern culture.

Junior is a very, very intelligent kid BUT insular and awkward. And stubborn. He also is just hitting puberty now.

I dunno. Am I overreacting? Am I underreacting? I just don't want him growing up to be that 30 y.o. slacker living in my basement, working at McDonalds & playing video games all day, watching the world pass him by (I've told him this).

I figured I'd hit the Org before I run out and buy parenting books (I have 2 on my Amazon Wishlist so far).

You just described my son exactly. Down to the age. We bought our house when the kids were really young (our son was probably 3 at the time), and because we wanted privacy we chose a location where we wouldnt have a ton of neighbors. As our kids got older what was once serene and peaceful became a bit isolating( for them, anyway). My son loves to skate so we get him together with his friends most weekends, but during the week since we dont have neighbors, he is a complete computer addict. Minecraft, minecraft on youtube, yadda yadda. Also threats dont work. Bought him a (really damn nice) guitar and set him up with lessons. Nothing. He's a GREAT kid, but like you I dont want the guy living in my basement playing dungeons and dragons and eating doritos and shit at 30. We're trying to crack the code though. I have a few friends who work in I.T oh, excuse me; 'security'. so we're gonna get them together to try and turn his computer addiction into something a bit more productive. Also enrolled him in a highschool which offers programming classes and what-not. None of this gets him from in front of the screen, but at least its not totally mindless drivel. We'll see.

Video games offer a fantasy world. He can excel, every level is a challenge that he faces on his

own and masters. Plus, it allows him to pull away from any RL pressure he is feeling but not talking

about.

Just because he isn't opening up about what he likes, doesn't mean he doesn't have interests.

Have you tried speaking with his teachers to see if he is close to anyone in his classes?

Also, if he isn't feeling sports but seems to like electronics, why not come up with a project

you two can work on together involving electronics? Build something small together at first,

somthing he can visualise, something he can keep and use after you two finish it. May open a

door.

You can also offer incentives for participating in social events. I am sure there is some game he

wants. Use a point system. Don't take any points away for inappropriate behavior, because

they don't negate the good thing he did to earn the point to begin with.

I was thinking of this some more... my son was like this also... he was addicted to those games "total war Rome" and other similar games. Is that like mindcraft? I dunno... but one thing is for sure...

he stopped all that once he caught a whiff of pussy.

Pussy/girls is what is gonna pull that boy away from the computer and make him want to exercise and get fit (to attract a girl), be outside (to see the girl), see friends (to hang out, to see if he can be around the girl), get a new hobby (the same one the girl he likes has so he can have an "in" with the girl)....

..... so expect life to be like this.

You got a car engine he can rebuild with you? Work with his hands? An old hoopty he can fix to drive later? That is a great motivator to get him to get away from the computer, good reward involved also.

Kids these days are all about doing something to get something in return.

PurpleJedi said:

Any of you dealing with something similar? Any of you go through something like this yourselves?

are you kidding me?

the situtation you described is almost 100% the same with my son (he's 13 turning 14 soon)

as a "agreement" (if you wanna call it that way, cause it was very much pushed from my side) he now has to pick 2 days during the working week without PC or PS3 or TV in his room (TV in the living room with us is fine) plus one electronic free day either Saturday or Sunday. in theory. occasionally he gets exceptions and extra days for whatever reasons (bonus for good grades or something).
and even on computer free days there is still his iPhone...
books? nope. but at least he HAS to read one book for school (German class) every 2 months

[Edited 5/10/13 4:20am]

Do you guys think that the sons of PurpleJedi, Alexzander and Dancelot are on a forum, as we type,

complaining about their dads?





Maybe we need a teenage-children-of-orgers-invastion boot camp.


My kid brother was horribly addicted to Mobstar, when he was a teenager. Their mother didn't get into the fight, she just wanted him to have good grades and he did.

He's got a girlfriend now, studies Philosophy and still is insular. But I'm happy that his girlfriend will make sure they do social stuf together.

paintedlady said:

he stopped all that once he caught a whiff of pussy.

Pussy/girls is what is gonna pull that boy away from the computer and make him want to exercise and get fit (to attract a girl), be outside (to see the girl), see friends (to hang out, to see if he can be around the girl), get a new hobby (the same one the girl he likes has so he can have an "in" with the girl)....

..... so expect life to be like this.

This explains why guys hate girls.

They don't have a life of their own, but let their identity depend on girls.

And get frustrated when a girl doesn't behave the way the boy wants her to.


Wouldn't it be wonderful if boys can just be/do as they themselves like?
No need to get angry at girls anymore, in that case.

I'm trialling weekend only gaming now. Two hours Friday night and 2 hours Saturday, and that's all.

OK, first of all, you must be the coolest dad in the world if you're "accidentally" trying to get your kid to read Playboy

Has it occurred to you that he can READ THE MESSAGES ON THIS FORUM, if he knows you come here???!!! So - please watch out in future, and you may want to edit that post!

But.... I'm going to come at this from a different angle - how about video games that ENCOURAGE READING? I don't play modern video games because all that first person shooter stuff just goes against my *grain* (I've discussed this before here), but when I was young, and the games were very different, I had my fair share....go to www.abandonia.com and try "Mixed Up Fairy Tales" - if you need help on how to run it, ask me... It's targeted at very young children, but play it and get the basic idea - you could make enquiries if there's something like that for older kids...?

Let me know what you thought.

morningsong said:

At that age there could be a host of things going on with him and I see nothing wrong with you delving in and find out what's going on in his head. I'm sure he's interested in more than one single thing.

Given all that's been going on with your divorce maybe more one on one time with Dad without the other 2 siblings, on some project even if he doesn't want to, in case he's trying to work too much stuff out in his own head.

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I don't know if college is in the picture but I'm sure he can use some volunteer hours on his college app.

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I don't know what the after school activities are like where you are especially trying to juggle 3 different kids and a job, I know with 2 it was rough but that does get them with other people and possible spark some other interest.

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Talk to his school counselor and find out what he really does in school.

YES. My 2 younger ones have bonded and junior has become the "outsider" in a way. They're always ragging on him (something I've been curbing a great deal).

So I'm planning on setting up stuff for us to do, just the 2 of us. Starting with "discovering" the public library (which is a short walk away) and then some early-morning walks in the park or to the batting cage.

The volunteering thing hadn't occurred to me. Sounds like something I need to research, like, NOW.

Genesia said:

paintedlady said:

Let him read books on the kindle/whateva....

As long as he's reading... I wouldn't care if it was from a book, as long as the content of what he is reading is helping his creativity or expanding his knowledge.

Later ask him what HE likes... then go from there. If he doesn't know what he likes... take cues from a favorite show, or just introduce him to all sorts of stuff you may not like.

I think he may just be resistant to doing the things you introduce him to.

This.

Plus...he's a teenager! It is their job to be contrary. He probably thinks Rolling Stone is old and (he ain't wrong). That's your interest, but it may not be his.

I think getting him a Kindle is a great idea. But if you want him to read, get a reader - not a tablet. Give him a reading "allowance" - to be used for books he wants to read, subject to your approval.

I have taken him to Barnes & Noble and the library and tried to get him to read new stuff, to no avail.
Definitely will try the eReader venue. Either a Nook or a Kobo that doesn't serve as a portal to the internet.

I love how involved you are and that you're trying to broaden his horizons. My main advice would be to remember you can't "make" him be into something he's not. I know if my parents had tried to force me to read a magazine I didn't care about I would have rebelled.

I also like the idea of limiting time on electronics. We could all use those limits (myself included).

So just like you seem to be doing, keep trying! Keep trying new things and evetunally one or two will stick. Sounds like you are already on that path anyway, so good work.

alexzander said:

You just described my son exactly. Down to the age. We bought our house when the kids were really young (our son was probably 3 at the time), and because we wanted privacy we chose a location where we wouldnt have a ton of neighbors. As our kids got older what was once serene and peaceful became a bit isolating( for them, anyway). My son loves to skate so we get him together with his friends most weekends, but during the week since we dont have neighbors, he is a complete computer addict. Minecraft, minecraft on youtube, yadda yadda. Also threats dont work. Bought him a (really damn nice) guitar and set him up with lessons. Nothing. He's a GREAT kid, but like you I dont want the guy living in my basement playing dungeons and dragons and eating doritos and shit at 30. We're trying to crack the code though. I have a few friends who work in I.T oh, excuse me; 'security'. so we're gonna get them together to try and turn his computer addiction into something a bit more productive. Also enrolled him in a highschool which offers programming classes and what-not. None of this gets him from in front of the screen, but at least its not totally mindless drivel. We'll see.

I actually sat down with him yesterday and he showed me the stuff that he's working on in Minecraft.
It's actually not as bad as I thought...at face value it looks like nothing more than a bunch of "blocks" that you either build or destroy.
But he has whole "villages" that he's made and was showing me around.

Could be worse I suppose (Centipede and Donkey Kong did little for us back in the day!) but like you, I keep imagining him at 30 with the Dungeons & Dragons, Doritos & Mountain Dew being his world and I can't.

LadyCasanova said:

Video games offer a fantasy world. He can excel, every level is a challenge that he faces on his

own and masters. Plus, it allows him to pull away from any RL pressure he is feeling but not talking

about.

Just because he isn't opening up about what he likes, doesn't mean he doesn't have interests.

Have you tried speaking with his teachers to see if he is close to anyone in his classes?

Also, if he isn't feeling sports but seems to like electronics, why not come up with a project

you two can work on together involving electronics? Build something small together at first,

somthing he can visualise, something he can keep and use after you two finish it. May open a

door.

You can also offer incentives for participating in social events. I am sure there is some game he

wants. Use a point system. Don't take any points away for inappropriate behavior, because

they don't negate the good thing he did to earn the point to begin with.

Yes! Thank you!

I went to a Hobby Shop at Christmastime to buy him some model airplanes (he gave up on them) but I saw some other stuff he might like to get into.

Time to go back there...!