Hard for me to get into this thread,because I never been with someone serious enough to appreciate their differences.

morningsong said:

I'd like to add, there are thing that we must be insync with though, I'd say bigger things. And I'd say extreme differences would be a problem.

Bigger things like what, politics and religion different? What if those aren't in sync either?

SynthiaRose said:

I find it a turn off if someone really opposes things I cherish.

I used to require that anyone I dated loved Prince and Ayn Rand. Since no one loves Ayn Rand anymore due to shitty Republicans hijacking and misrepresenting her, I have had to relax that. But years ago that was a good filter.

I would NEVER date anyone who didn't lke Prince music. All my life, my greatest bond has been with men who love Prince. Furthermore, I'd like them to be interested in certain books and ideas, but I'm flexible on that ... maybe.

People with similar interests tend to bond. In my lifetime, I've been a writer and a teacher -- and I've dated so many writers and teachers I can't even keep count.

However, I've also dated lots of totally opposite people and that is very attractive too because the couple can teach each other new things. A person is trying to teach me salsa now because he loves salsa so much, but I can't dance much and that type of dance is really intimidating. It doesn't seem to be major source of dissension though.

I think people can work through differing interests.

I don't know how Prince AND Ayn Rand even co-exist but I don't know her too well

Genesia said:

Our differing interests make us more interesting to each other.

You know, I think men and women are meant to be different from each other.

There's got to be some strengths in those differences that actually help things function.

SynthiaRose said:

I find it a turn off if someone really opposes things I cherish.

I used to require that anyone I dated loved Prince and Ayn Rand. Since no one loves Ayn Rand anymore due to shitty Republicans hijacking and misrepresenting her, I have had to relax that. But years ago that was a good filter.

I would NEVER date anyone who didn't lke Prince music. All my life, my greatest bond has been with men who love Prince. Furthermore, I'd like them to be interested in certain books and ideas, but I'm flexible on that ... maybe.

People with similar interests tend to bond. In my lifetime, I've been a writer and a teacher -- and I've dated so many writers and teachers I can't even keep count.

However, I've also dated lots of totally opposite people and that is very attractive too because the couple can teach each other new things. A person is trying to teach me salsa now because he loves salsa so much, but I can't dance much and that type of dance is really intimidating. It doesn't seem to be major source of dissension though.

I think people can work through differing interests.

I've never been in a relationship where someone enjoyed Prince as much as I do, at the same time I've never been in a relationship where anyone hated Prince, therefore they could tolerate my appreciation. But I have been in a relationship where someone didn't share as freely as I did their musical preference, and when I look back on that I find a certain degree of dishonesty or selfishness on their part that I would find to be a roadblock in relationship. Not that I had no interest in their preference, but that they seem to keep it all to themselves or hid a part of themselves from me. Lo and behold there were a lot of things they hid about themselves, bigger things. At this point differences don't scare me, but someone who seems to have none from me do.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

ZombieKitten said:

I'm not going into a vent, because I'll get the "why are you even with him?" comments again (and yes, WHY???????)

I am married to someone who regularly asks me when I'm going to sell my books on eBay because they are taking up space "you're not even going to read them again so why keep them?" (I could say that about all the sporting equipment that is accumulating in the garage)

We have a no music in the car policy if we are both in the car now because once I asked if we didn't have to listen to the mauritius CD EVERY time we go somewhere and it came to light that he doesn't like any of my music either

We watch certain movies together, others we save for plane trips or times when we aren't together.

So, in short, sexual chemistry is not enough in the long run because when you aren't even attracted to each other any more, if you don't have any common interests (in our case, we have our kids, and that's more a source of conflict than anything else) then you have NOTHING.

I hope for a resolution for you both.

Me too.

chocolate1 said:

The older I get, the less I want to try to be with someone with whom I have little in common.

I've spent so much time doing the things I like without someone to share them with, I can't see being with someone if I still can't share.

That's what it boils down to me. I ended up really missing the things I liked on my own. Then I was thinking "do you even know what you want then?"

I used to try to discover new interests through the men I dated, but it usually became one-sided.

I think this happened to me as well but I felt it was kind of "my fault" for losing myself.

chocolate1 said:

My ex-fiance actually told me that when we were married, I would have had to give up the things I liked to do.

I understand compromise, or I think I do, but THAT is some bullshit. Lord knows who you were supposed to transform into??

V10LETBLUES said:

Oh, this one keeps me up at night. I maybe took this to the extreme. I went along my merry way as my sweeties have always tried to like what I liked, and always allowed me to get what I wanted, while I never really fully reciprocated. I do not like to think I was being a sociopath, I was merely oblivious and a tad narcissistic about some aspects of the world around me and the lengths my partners would go through to keep things together by sacrificing themselves for the relationships.

I feel so guilty about this part of my relationships that it assuages me to feel that I am in fact NOT a sociopath. ..or is that something a sociopath would say?

Anyway, it's not good, and it's not fair to anyone. And looking back I certainly don't think those relationships are in any way healthy.

It's how we're taught to behave, to SELF-actualize, self this self that.

My problem is when they don't like the same things, I get this feeling they don't like ME, like my esteem plummets. That is narcisstic in a sense because it would lead me to someone who is exactly my mirror, wouldn't it?

Don't feel bad V10LETBLUES, because it sounds like you had an epiphany and grew wiser with those experiences.

Cinny said:

chocolate1 said:

The older I get, the less I want to try to be with someone with whom I have little in common.

I've spent so much time doing the things I like without someone to share them with, I can't see being with someone if I still can't share.

That's what it boils down to me. I ended up really missing the things I liked on my own. Then I was thinking "do you even know what you want then?"

I think this happened to me as well but I felt it was kind of "my fault" for losing myself.

chocolate1 said:

My ex-fiance actually told me that when we were married, I would have had to give up the things I liked to do.

I understand compromise, or I think I do, but THAT is some bullshit. Lord knows who you were supposed to transform into??

Thanks for your understanding.

And yes- he was too much. We were engaged in 2004, and when Musicology was announced, he told me that he wasn't going and neither was I, because it was a waste of money!

I was slowly losing myself in his family's activities, his daughter's games and school activities, and his friends.

I dodged a bullet with that one!

Cinny said:

ZombieKitten said:

We have a no music in the car policy if we are both in the car now because once I asked if we didn't have to listen to the mauritius CD EVERY time we go somewhere and it came to light that he doesn't like any of my music either

Aw heyll naw!!

actually that one is allowed, he remembers that one from his childhood in south america, although he has to point out every time that Jeanette must not be a native spanish speaker

chocolate1 said:

Cinny said:

I understand compromise, or I think I do, but THAT is some bullshit. Lord knows who you were supposed to transform into??

Thanks for your understanding.

And yes- he was too much. We were engaged in 2004, and when Musicology was announced, he told me that he wasn't going and neither was I, because it was a waste of money!

I was slowly losing myself in his family's activities, his daughter's games and school activities, and his friends.

I dodged a bullet with that one!

Is this the same guy phoning you on Valentines??

ZombieKitten said:

Cinny said:

Aw heyll naw!!

actually that one is allowed, he remembers that one from his childhood in south america, although he has to point out every time that Jeanette must not be a native spanish speaker

You know him better than anyone if you know that comment is coming when you hear this specific tune. I have to laugh because that's the kind of thing that comes out of YEARS of togetherness. Y'all are FAM now!

Cinny said:

ZombieKitten said:

actually that one is allowed, he remembers that one from his childhood in south america, although he has to point out every time that Jeanette must not be a native spanish speaker

You know him better than anyone if you know that comment is coming when you hear this specific tune. I have to laugh because that's the kind of thing that comes out of YEARS of togetherness. Y'all are FAM now!

EVERY motherfuckin TIME

ZombieKitten said:

Cinny said:

You know him better than anyone if you know that comment is coming when you hear this specific tune. I have to laugh because that's the kind of thing that comes out of YEARS of togetherness. Y'all are FAM now!

EVERY motherfuckin TIME

Can't live with 'im, Can't live without 'im

I'm starting to think that disliking Hip Hop music is my "dealbreaker", as much as I tried to tell myself that it doesn't matter. My hobbies and interests revolve around it, and I spend a lot of time listening to it.

Cinny said:

chocolate1 said:

Thanks for your understanding.

And yes- he was too much. We were engaged in 2004, and when Musicology was announced, he told me that he wasn't going and neither was I, because it was a waste of money!

I was slowly losing myself in his family's activities, his daughter's games and school activities, and his friends.

I dodged a bullet with that one!

Is this the same guy phoning you on Valentines??

(orgnote )

Cinny said:

I'm starting to think that disliking Hip Hop music is my "dealbreaker", as much as I tried to tell myself that it doesn't matter. My hobbies and interests revolve around it, and I spend a lot of time listening to it.

Furthermore, everything I've learned about it is quite useless if they don't ever wanna hear about it.

We don't have to have every single thing in common, but there must be a few things we need to enjoy together. Is this deja vu? I feel like I've commented on a topic like this before.

sexton said:

Some compatibility in those areas is very important to me in a relationship so if there was practically no crossover at all, I would not start seeing that person in the first place.

Indeed.

If we don't naturally enjoying our time together, I don't bother anymore.

I used to adjust or assume somebody would change. Now, I want it to be good as it is. I can accept some level of irritation, but not too much. And if it's a constant compromise for both of us, then we both probably would be more happy on our own.

Mind you, this attitude does leave me single

Cinny said:

It's how we're taught to behave, to SELF-actualize, self this self that.

My problem is when they don't like the same things, I get this feeling they don't like ME, like my esteem plummets. That is narcisstic in a sense because it would lead me to someone who is exactly my mirror, wouldn't it?

Don't feel bad V10LETBLUES, because it sounds like you had an epiphany and grew wiser with those experiences.

When someone doesn't fully empathize with you is immaturity in part I suppose. When someone truly loves you they make an effort at least make you feel good about what interests you. Love and time may help bridge that gap I guess. it's up to each of us whether we feel it is worth it to stick it out and find out, or move on to someone who is past that. Live and learn.

And I did have an epiphany. I would never have anything to do with a younger me.

Cinny said:

ZombieKitten said:

EVERY motherfuckin TIME

Can't live with 'im, Can't live without 'im

I'm starting to think that disliking Hip Hop music is my "dealbreaker", as much as I tried to tell myself that it doesn't matter. My hobbies and interests revolve around it, and I spend a lot of time listening to it.

THIS is my dealbreaker:

If I have to hear it one more time I think I will smash all my crockery

ZombieKitten said:

I'm not going into a vent, because I'll get the "why are you even with him?" comments again (and yes, WHY???????)

I am married to someone who regularly asks me when I'm going to sell my books on eBay because they are taking up space "you're not even going to read them again so why keep them?"

You did tell him that the book "Social skills and other things that make you loved" was for him to read, right?!

(I could say that about all the sporting equipment that is accumulating in the garage)

You asked him about the discrepancy between the pile of sport equipment and his physical condition?

We have a no music in the car policy if we are both in the car now because once I asked if we didn't have to listen to the mauritius CD EVERY time we go somewhere and it came to light that he doesn't like any of my music either

Do you hum or sing your favorite song aloud?

We watch certain movies together, others we save for plane trips or times when we aren't together.

So, in short, sexual chemistry is not enough in the long run because when you aren't even attracted to each other any more, if you don't have any common interests (in our case, we have our kids, and that's more a source of conflict than anything else) then you have NOTHING.

It's a good thing he's not near my area. I'd love to show him how to behave as a grown up respectable man, in stead of being a wining teenager with occasional tantrums.

ZombieKitten said:

Cinny said:

Can't live with 'im, Can't live without 'im

I'm starting to think that disliking Hip Hop music is my "dealbreaker", as much as I tried to tell myself that it doesn't matter. My hobbies and interests revolve around it, and I spend a lot of time listening to it.

THIS is my dealbreaker:

If I have to hear it one more time I think I will smash all my crockery

I tried. My first reflex was I wanted to throw a CD out of the window.

dJJ said:

oh SNAP!

missfee said:

We don't have to have every single thing in common, but there must be a few things we need to enjoy together. Is this deja vu? I feel like I've commented on a topic like this before.

This is my first thread like this but I'll bet we've gone over this

dJJ said:

ZombieKitten said:

I'm not going into a vent, because I'll get the "why are you even with him?" comments again (and yes, WHY???????)

I am married to someone who regularly asks me when I'm going to sell my books on eBay because they are taking up space "you're not even going to read them again so why keep them?"

You did tell him that the book "Social skills and other things that make you loved" was for him to read, right?!

(I could say that about all the sporting equipment that is accumulating in the garage)

You asked him about the discrepancy between the pile of sport equipment and his physical condition?

We have a no music in the car policy if we are both in the car now because once I asked if we didn't have to listen to the mauritius CD EVERY time we go somewhere and it came to light that he doesn't like any of my music either

Do you hum or sing your favorite song aloud?

We watch certain movies together, others we save for plane trips or times when we aren't together.

So, in short, sexual chemistry is not enough in the long run because when you aren't even attracted to each other any more, if you don't have any common interests (in our case, we have our kids, and that's more a source of conflict than anything else) then you have NOTHING.

It's a good thing he's not near my area. I'd love to show him how to behave as a grown up respectable man, in stead of being a wining teenager with occasional tantrums.

he's not really that out of shape, but no, he's never read a book outside of school

and he never whines or throws tantrums, he keeps it bottled up, until I criticise HIM, then it all comes out in retaliation

Not really. Although they have to like humor and they don't have to like all the things I deem funny, but they have to at least like about 50% of it. They must be able to enjoy or tolerate Prince music.

But they have to have a sense of style for themselves or I wont even approach.

I think one of the biggest reasons why people (especially women) remain single in their later years is because they become set in their ways, they won't even consider a guy unless he enjoys the same things. The key to a good relationship is compromise, it's being willing to try different things. And who knows, something that may not have interested you before might be something you now enjoy. For instance I never cared for Nascar, but I started following it and going to races because it was one of my girlfriend's interests. Guess what? I enjoyed it, and now I'm more of a fan that she is.

So no, I would never stop seeing someone just because they like different things. I would give her interests a try, and expose her to what I enjoy. If neither of us got turned on by the new experiences, only then would I consider stop seeing her.

ZombieKitten said:

dJJ said:

It's a good thing he's not near my area. I'd love to show him how to behave as a grown up respectable man, in stead of being a wining teenager with occasional tantrums.

he's not really that out of shape, but no, he's never read a book outside of school

and he never whines or throws tantrums, he keeps it bottled up, until I criticise HIM, then it all comes out in retaliation

Ah, so it's not an easy blame him?!

It's more complicated than that

dJJ said:

ZombieKitten said:

he's not really that out of shape, but no, he's never read a book outside of school

and he never whines or throws tantrums, he keeps it bottled up, until I criticise HIM, then it all comes out in retaliation

Ah, so it's not an easy blame him?!

It's more complicated than that

yes

Pokeno4Money said:

I think one of the biggest reasons why people (especially women) remain single in their later years is because they become set in their ways, they won't even consider a guy unless he enjoys the same things. The key to a good relationship is compromise, it's being willing to try different things. And who knows, something that may not have interested you before might be something you now enjoy. For instance I never cared for Nascar, but I started following it and going to races because it was one of my girlfriend's interests. Guess what? I enjoyed it, and now I'm more of a fan that she is.

So no, I would never stop seeing someone just because they like different things. I would give her interests a try, and expose her to what I enjoy. If neither of us got turned on by the new experiences, only then would I consider stop seeing her.

of course, it's never that black& white.

But I also think that a lot of women just don't think it's worth the effort, based on their experiences and based on what they see around them.

It's not necessarily a burden to have no kids, no quarrels and to be able to do whatever you want without somebody bitching to you about it.