I found myself doing a lot of self-analyzing and reflecting last night. Going over the highs and lows this past year in my mind.

While there were many positives, I realized that I tend to keep an emotional distance in almost all of my personal relationships.

I'm almost certain it's a defense mechanism to keep myself from getting hurt (...via baggage from past relationships, etc).

I've been too proud for years to ask for help in this area. I didn't want others to see my weaknesses. But I'm at a point now where I really want to be free to give 110% in all my personal relationships (dating, family, friends...), but the fear of emotional pain, my insecurities, and issues of trust keep getting in my way.

Orgers, please help me start this year off right. Any info, advice, or personal stories that you could share to help me overcome would be much appreciated.

I often feel the same, but, while the hopeless romantic in me does seek something like "complete" and honest love, I think I have somehow managed to get used to the way it is/the way I am.

i think we often have unrealistic expectations of other people... nobody is perfect, and that's ok

look at yourself honestly and then look at others... you might find yourself more compassionate and forgiving in regards to their shortcomings... most of the time when people let you down, it's more about them than it is about you... if you can realise they're just people who screw up (just like you and i) then it's easier to not be so wounded by their actions

my wife is aweseome, but she's not perfect... i don't expect her to be.. and if she falls, i'm there ... who she is isn't based solely on the last thing she said or did

of couse there are people who are just jerks (for whatever reason)... flick 'em and move on... the less time you waste on a bad situation, the happier you'll be

Thank you both for your insights

I am open, I been hurt, very hurt... so I took a long break from love and relationships to work on me. I had to take the time after a hard break-up to understand why I let myself get into that situation.

I had to also take the time to figure out what the heck I wanted. What type of person would I look for? What did I have to offer so that person would appreciate me? I was alone for almost 3 years.

While I was alone I did this corny thing... I wrote a list of ten things I wanted in someone to love.

I took that same list and started on having all those characteristics myself.

You attract what you are.

So I worked on being those 10 things and attracted and got the guy I asked for.

Just be careful what you ask for.

Me and my guy are have now been together for over 3 years now. Time flies.

I am still open, I guess I rather be free to be myself. I hate head games and worrying about what someone might think of me for being me. I'd rather move on to someone who does appreciate who I am rather than live in fear of being hurt. If they hurt me, I forget them and move on... NEXT!!! Life is too short to allow fear to steal from you.

spellchecks

[Edited 1/1/13 18:45pm]

Thank you paintedlady!

Come to think of it, forgiveness has also been a roadblock for my growth.

Your mentioning of it it has enlightened me.

I'll be sure to give the list concept a try as well.

Thanks again!

Aristotle said:

Thank you paintedlady!

Come to think of it, forgiveness has also been a roadblock for my growth.

Your mentioning of it it has enlightened me.

I'll be sure to give the list concept a try as well.

Thanks again!

^^^Paintedlady's advice is spot-on.

My own experience has made me REALLY guarded and partly as a result (and other stupid reasons) I'm pretty sure that I spoiled my chance with one particular lady that I'm crushing on.

That reminds me ....I have to write my "10 things" list.

You gotta forgive yourself... we tend to beat ourselves up after a breakup.

Its OK to be angry... let that anger guide you to do positive stuff.

This way, fear of anger or pain isn't so bad anymore and the fear of being in pain will not pigeon hold you from being outgoing and allowing love in your heart.

Its a journey... one when you get to the other side is just downright wonderful.

paintedlady said:

You gotta forgive yourself... we tend to beat ourselves up after a breakup.

Its OK to be angry... let that anger guide you to do positive stuff.

This way, fear of anger or pain isn't so bad anymore and the fear of being in pain will not pigeon hold you from being outgoing and allowing love in your heart.

Its a journey... one when you get to the other side is just downright wonderful.

Great advice as always.

And...uhm...that last sentence...you're referring to anal, right?

PurpleJedi said:

paintedlady said:

You gotta forgive yourself... we tend to beat ourselves up after a breakup.

Its OK to be angry... let that anger guide you to do positive stuff.

This way, fear of anger or pain isn't so bad anymore and the fear of being in pain will not pigeon hold you from being outgoing and allowing love in your heart.

Its a journey... one when you get to the other side is just downright wonderful.

Great advice as always.

And...uhm...that last sentence...you're referring to anal, right?

I forgot.I have to be politically correct.

[Edited 1/2/13 19:35pm]

iaminparties said:

ThisOne said:

iaminparties said:

I forgot.I have to be politically correct.

[Edited 1/2/13 19:35pm]

So u let your guard down again i c

Sometimes it's better to be the whore than the romantic.

You broke my wooden shield.

iaminparties said:

paintedlady said:

You gotta forgive yourself... we tend to beat ourselves up after a breakup.

Its OK to be angry... let that anger guide you to do positive stuff.

This way, fear of anger or pain isn't so bad anymore and the fear of being in pain will not pigeon hold you from being outgoing and allowing love in your heart.

Its a journey... one when you get to the other side is just downright wonderful.

Sorry but that's done me. Did you mean pigeon hole? and before you say it Jedi, I aint talking anal.

Good shout otherwise.

Aristotle said:

I found myself doing a lot of self-analyzing and reflecting last night. Going over the highs and lows this past year in my mind.

While there were many positives, I realized that I tend to keep an emotional distance in almost all of my personal relationships.

I'm almost certain it's a defense mechanism to keep myself from getting hurt (...via baggage from past relationships, etc).

I've been too proud for years to ask for help in this area. I didn't want others to see my weaknesses. But I'm at a point now where I really want to be free to give 110% in all my personal relationships (dating, family, friends...), but the fear of emotional pain, my insecurities, and issues of trust keep getting in my way.

Orgers, please help me start this year off right. Any info, advice, or personal stories that you could share to help me overcome would be much appreciated.

Good idea to reflect on the past year, haven't done that yet myself.

I'm pretty similar to you, keep my distance by not telling what I'm really thinking or what really are my problems.

I have had a few great friends who showed me that they love me all the way, including my difficult traits. That has helped me a lot and I'm getting better at opening up and showing my colours. I do it slowly, step by step and don't force myself. That's the way it feels best for me.

And I found that asking for help is okay, people do want to help and it's okay if they don't.

Tip:

Write down how you would judge a friend who would be like you. Would you judge a friend or family member the same as you judge yourself?

If I do this and find out I'm being thougher on myself then on others, I realize that others are more likely to judge me the same way I would judge somebody else. That way I realize it's okay to open up.

The alternative is to keep yourself guarded. You will not open up or show your vulnerabilities. That prevents you from growing a true intimite friendship or bond with people. So, you wil stay solitude, eventhough on the surface it seems you have friends and family. Do you wish that for yourself for the rest of your life?

The books that helped me to get insight and subsequently be able to let the past bygone and have a better future:

(Also a good read for Men who love too much)

The title sounds way more superficial as the book really is. I still use it as my guide. By following her guidelines in this book, my life has changed substaintially, in a very good way.

These 3 books are my life savers.

paintedlady said:

I am open, I been hurt, very hurt... so I took a long break from love and relationships to work on me. I had to take the time after a hard break-up to understand why I let myself get into that situation.

I had to also take the time to figure out what the heck I wanted. What type of person would I look for? What did I have to offer so that person would appreciate me? I was alone for almost 3 years.

While I was alone I did this corny thing... I wrote a list of ten things I wanted in someone to love.

I took that same list and started on having all those characteristics myself.

You attract what you are.

So I worked on being those 10 things and attracted and got the guy I asked for.

Just be careful what you ask for.

Me and my guy are have now been together for over 3 years now. Time flies.

I am still open, I guess I rather be free to be myself. I hate head games and worrying about what someone might think of me for being me. I'd rather move on to someone who does appreciate who I am rather than live in fear of being hurt. If they hurt me, I forget them and move on... NEXT!!! Life is too short to allow fear to steal from you.

spellchecks

[Edited 1/1/13 18:45pm]

THat is a very good idea!

Thank you, darling, I'm making that list.

dJJ said:

THat is a very good idea!

Thank you, darling, I'm making that list.

Thanks for the book recommendations and the tips, dJJ!

Fonkyman said:

paintedlady said:

You gotta forgive yourself... we tend to beat ourselves up after a breakup.

Its OK to be angry... let that anger guide you to do positive stuff.

This way, fear of anger or pain isn't so bad anymore and the fear of being in pain will not pigeon hold you from being outgoing and allowing love in your heart.

Its a journey... one when you get to the other side is just downright wonderful.

Sorry but that's done me. Did you mean pigeon hole? and before you say it Jedi, I aint talking anal.

Good shout otherwise.