I have a sister that is 16 years younger than I am.

We are close, but we do not live near each other.

She's getting married in March. I'm traveling to the wedding with my family. We'll have to get passports because we'll be going into Canada for the ceremony.

She has a habit that REALLY pisses me off. Tell me if I'm unreasonable.

I texted her a couple of days ago. I was trying to get some info for some Christmas presents I want to get her, her fiance and his son.

She hasn't texted me back. I find that INCREDIBLY self-centered and rude. She does it all the time. I'll call her and leave a message. She doesn't call back. I'll text her. No response. Seriously, WTF?

She's done it enough in the last couple of years that now I don't feel like spending thousands of dollars on passports, plane tickets and other wedding things.

I'm trying to be the bigger person, but now I'm pissed.

Thoughts.

Maybe if you make every text time-sensitive, that will help. For instance, "I'm going to buy you presents but need to know by this afternoon what you want, as I can only go shopping tonight".

Or, you can just tell her it's rude not to answer texts or return calls. Does she know she's upsetting you? Tell her, maybe she's this way with people in business too.

I have a sister like that, even when I tell her I have a deadline, she doesn't return texts or calls so I stop texting and calling.

Stymie said:

I have a sister like that, even when I tell her I have a deadline, she doesn't return texts or calls so I stop texting and calling.

God, I have a sister-in-law just like this. I have asked her 3 times in the last 3 weeks for suggestions for gifts for her and her kids. Nothing!

I have already gone out and bought whatever I wanted to buy for them. If they don't like it, too effing bad.

I try to cut her slack because her 2 kids are out of control spoiled brats and she has a stressful life. I do like her and we get along well. I know I would rather stick a needle in my eye than have her life and those rotten kids.

Empress said:

I have already gone out and bought whatever I wanted to buy for them. If they don't like it, too effing bad.

There ya go

RodeoSchro said:

Maybe if you make every text time-sensitive, that will help. For instance, "I'm going to buy you presents but need to know by this afternoon what you want, as I can only go shopping tonight".

Or, you can just tell her it's rude not to answer texts or return calls. Does she know she's upsetting you? Tell her, maybe she's this way with people in business too.

Nah.....it doesnt matter. That 16 year age difference is telling regarding how the sister feels.

.

[Edited 12/12/12 9:56am]

I have let her know that I think it's ridiculous and rude that she doesn't text or call back. She does it to the whole family, parents included.

One time, I was trying to reach her for something important but not an emergency. I called and texted more than once. My husband said, "Call her from my phone," so I did and my sister picked right up thinking it was an emergency. I told her that I really needed to talk to her and she wasn't returning my calls or texts so I tried this. I let her know that I didn't appreciate having to do so much to get in contact with her and that I thought it was rude of her to not return calls or texts.

Then she whines that she's not like anyone in the family, she doesn't even resemble anyone in the family and no one understands her. Recently, several incidences have happened that shows that she always has bore a family resemblence like we've all told her, she is just like us and that we totally have got her number. It was very satisfying.

When we are together we have a great time. I love hearing from her, but I will say, the entire family knows that you can't just talk to her. Anything that she perceives as criticism or telling her what she should do, she'll sulk and pout and not talk to that person for months.

Now she's getting married. I'm flying the family from SLC to SEA for the wedding, then we're taking a ferry to Victoria for the ceremony. Right now I'm only still planning on going because her mother will be there and our brother and I'm looking forward to spending time with them.

Sorry...still venting. GRRRRRRR!!!

Stymie said:

I have a sister like that, even when I tell her I have a deadline, she doesn't return texts or calls so I stop texting and calling.

I'm like this with people in general. I do have a cousin who does this too, however, sometimes she answers, sometimes she doesn't. Is it rude for a person to ignore one text message? Probably not since they could be possibly busy and can forget, but to repeatedly do it and/or do it now and then but on a very inconsistent basis, to me IS very rude. When I start getting the silent treatment, I just stop everything, no texts, no calls, nothing. I'll treat you just as if you have fallen off of the face of the earth and OFF my list of important people. But when I see you in person, don't go saying "oh haven't heard from you in a while" or discuss a topic and mention my name as a person who doesn't call or follow up to see how you are doing because right then and there, you give me cause to tell YOU EXACTLY ABOUT YOURSELF.

Oh but Nothinbutjoy, to answer your question, since your sister isn't answering any of your calls or texts, then don't buy any Christmas gifts for her, her fiance nor his son. If she gives you flack later on about "why didn't we get any gifts" then politely tell her...you didn't use any of your precious time in returning my phone calls or texts, so I didn't use any of my precious time buying gifts. It's that simple.

Buy her a boomerang

Nothinbutjoy said:

I have let her know that I think it's ridiculous and rude that she doesn't text or call back. She does it to the whole family, parents included.

One time, I was trying to reach her for something important but not an emergency. I called and texted more than once. My husband said, "Call her from my phone," so I did and my sister picked right up thinking it was an emergency. I told her that I really needed to talk to her and she wasn't returning my calls or texts so I tried this. I let her know that I didn't appreciate having to do so much to get in contact with her and that I thought it was rude of her to not return calls or texts.

Then she whines that she's not like anyone in the family, she doesn't even resemble anyone in the family and no one understands her. Recently, several incidences have happened that shows that she always has bore a family resemblence like we've all told her, she is just like us and that we totally have got her number. It was very satisfying.

When we are together we have a great time. I love hearing from her, but I will say, the entire family knows that you can't just talk to her. Anything that she perceives as criticism or telling her what she should do, she'll sulk and pout and not talk to that person for months.

Now she's getting married. I'm flying the family from SLC to SEA for the wedding, then we're taking a ferry to Victoria for the ceremony. Right now I'm only still planning on going because her mother will be there and our brother and I'm looking forward to spending time with them.

Sorry...still venting. GRRRRRRR!!!

This right here is very telling. She was purposely ignoring your calls and messages...and for what? I just can't comprehend folks like this. No offense.

No offense taken! I feel the same way. I don't understand her attitude at all!!

Thank you everyone for the feedback. It's satisfying to know that I'm not out in left field about this.

I know the feeling. I have people who do the same thing. I've talked to them, explained to them and they whined, made ups excuses and went right back to doing the same exact thing. I found it too stressful, so now I text once and that's it. If they answer, great, if they don't too bad I've done what I'm going to do. They are who they are, when they care they'll change. I just try not to let it change me and do it to them, which is hard when you're pissed about it. Doesn't make you like them very much.

That's the rub right there! I don't want it to change me. If I don't like being treated like that, I don't want to treat someone like that, but I'm kind of at the point where in her case I'll make an exception.

Would it be going too far to just not go to the wedding?

And yep, it really does make me not like her very much right now.

Steadwood said:

Buy her a boomerang

I'm tempted to smack her in the head with one.

Nothinbutjoy said:

That's the rub right there! I don't want it to change me. If I don't like being treated like that, I don't want to treat someone like that, but I'm kind of at the point where in her case I'll make an exception.

Would it be going too far to just not go to the wedding?

And yep, it really does make me not like her very much right now.

Why do you make make exceoptions for her? Go to the wedding but stiop making exceptions for her asap.

rdhull said:

Nothinbutjoy said:

That's the rub right there! I don't want it to change me. If I don't like being treated like that, I don't want to treat someone like that, but I'm kind of at the point where in her case I'll make an exception.

Would it be going too far to just not go to the wedding?

And yep, it really does make me not like her very much right now.

Why do you make make exceoptions for her? Go to the wedding but stiop making exceptions for her asap.

I love my sister but I ain't putting up with that shit from anyone.

My younger sister is the EXACT same way! She's 9 years younger than me. She moved about 700 miles away and got married to some guy none of us had ever met. She moved when she was 26. Up until then, I thought we had a good relationship. We did a lot of things together. Since she's been married, she NEVER calls me or my other sister who still lives here. She talks to my brother maybe a little bit more than us. She talks to my mom and dad several times a week.

I have called her, left messages. She might return one out of 10 of the messages, usually days later. She replies to half of the texts I send her and almost none of the emails. She moved five years ago, and I basically feel like she and I really are not sisters now, more like distant cousins or something. It's sad, and it really hurts my feelings. I cried for weeks when she moved away. I've missed her so bad at random times, it just puts me in a deep funk for days. I don't have the money to visit her, but she and her husband are quite well off. She only comes here for one weekend a year. She doesn't work or have kids.

I don't know what happened. I talk to my mom about it, but she's afraid if she says anything that my sister won't talk to her anymore either.

So, yeah...I can see why you are mad/hurt. But still participate in her life any way you can. Hopefully one day she will realize what she's doing before it's too late. But you do get to a point where you just have to quit trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn't reciprocate. It's just hurtful and confusing when it's your own family.

I mean make the exception that I won't answer her calls or texts or whatever, when normally I would. Not that I'll continue to be my normal self with her after she's been so rude.

I'm feeling right there with you Stymie. I don't treat people that way and I don't want to put up with being treated that way, even by my sister.

Adria said:

My younger sister is the EXACT same way! She's 9 years younger than me. She moved about 700 miles away and got married to some guy none of us had ever met. She moved when she was 26. Up until then, I thought we had a good relationship. We did a lot of things together. Since she's been married, she NEVER calls me or my other sister who still lives here. She talks to my brother maybe a little bit more than us. She talks to my mom and dad several times a week.

I have called her, left messages. She might return one out of 10 of the messages, usually days later. She replies to half of the texts I send her and almost none of the emails. She moved five years ago, and I basically feel like she and I really are not sisters now, more like distant cousins or something. It's sad, and it really hurts my feelings. I cried for weeks when she moved away. I've missed her so bad at random times, it just puts me in a deep funk for days. I don't have the money to visit her, but she and her husband are quite well off. She only comes here for one weekend a year. She doesn't work or have kids.

I don't know what happened. I talk to my mom about it, but she's afraid if she says anything that my sister won't talk to her anymore either.

So, yeah...I can see why you are mad/hurt. But still participate in her life any way you can. Hopefully one day she will realize what she's doing before it's too late. But you do get to a point where you just have to quit trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn't reciprocate. It's just hurtful and confusing when it's your own family.

She drifted apart form you is what happened. It happens.

If it bothers you why dont you phone her and tell her exactly what you just posted here? You may or may not like the answer buit at least youll know why/what's going on.

Adria said:

My younger sister is the EXACT same way! She's 9 years younger than me. She moved about 700 miles away and got married to some guy none of us had ever met. She moved when she was 26. Up until then, I thought we had a good relationship. We did a lot of things together. Since she's been married, she NEVER calls me or my other sister who still lives here. She talks to my brother maybe a little bit more than us. She talks to my mom and dad several times a week.

I have called her, left messages. She might return one out of 10 of the messages, usually days later. She replies to half of the texts I send her and almost none of the emails. She moved five years ago, and I basically feel like she and I really are not sisters now, more like distant cousins or something. It's sad, and it really hurts my feelings. I cried for weeks when she moved away. I've missed her so bad at random times, it just puts me in a deep funk for days. I don't have the money to visit her, but she and her husband are quite well off. She only comes here for one weekend a year. She doesn't work or have kids.

I don't know what happened. I talk to my mom about it, but she's afraid if she says anything that my sister won't talk to her anymore either.

So, yeah...I can see why you are mad/hurt. But still participate in her life any way you can. Hopefully one day she will realize what she's doing before it's too late. But you do get to a point where you just have to quit trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn't reciprocate. It's just hurtful and confusing when it's your own family.

To you to and thank you.

rdhull said:

Adria said:

My younger sister is the EXACT same way! She's 9 years younger than me. She moved about 700 miles away and got married to some guy none of us had ever met. She moved when she was 26. Up until then, I thought we had a good relationship. We did a lot of things together. Since she's been married, she NEVER calls me or my other sister who still lives here. She talks to my brother maybe a little bit more than us. She talks to my mom and dad several times a week.

I have called her, left messages. She might return one out of 10 of the messages, usually days later. She replies to half of the texts I send her and almost none of the emails. She moved five years ago, and I basically feel like she and I really are not sisters now, more like distant cousins or something. It's sad, and it really hurts my feelings. I cried for weeks when she moved away. I've missed her so bad at random times, it just puts me in a deep funk for days. I don't have the money to visit her, but she and her husband are quite well off. She only comes here for one weekend a year. She doesn't work or have kids.

I don't know what happened. I talk to my mom about it, but she's afraid if she says anything that my sister won't talk to her anymore either.

So, yeah...I can see why you are mad/hurt. But still participate in her life any way you can. Hopefully one day she will realize what she's doing before it's too late. But you do get to a point where you just have to quit trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn't reciprocate. It's just hurtful and confusing when it's your own family.

She drifted apart form you is what happened. It happens.

If it bothers you why dont you phone her and tell her exactly what you just posted here? You may or may not like the answer buit at least youll know why/what's going on.

I agree.

rdhull said:

Adria said:

My younger sister is the EXACT same way! She's 9 years younger than me. She moved about 700 miles away and got married to some guy none of us had ever met. She moved when she was 26. Up until then, I thought we had a good relationship. We did a lot of things together. Since she's been married, she NEVER calls me or my other sister who still lives here. She talks to my brother maybe a little bit more than us. She talks to my mom and dad several times a week.

I have called her, left messages. She might return one out of 10 of the messages, usually days later. She replies to half of the texts I send her and almost none of the emails. She moved five years ago, and I basically feel like she and I really are not sisters now, more like distant cousins or something. It's sad, and it really hurts my feelings. I cried for weeks when she moved away. I've missed her so bad at random times, it just puts me in a deep funk for days. I don't have the money to visit her, but she and her husband are quite well off. She only comes here for one weekend a year. She doesn't work or have kids.

I don't know what happened. I talk to my mom about it, but she's afraid if she says anything that my sister won't talk to her anymore either.

So, yeah...I can see why you are mad/hurt. But still participate in her life any way you can. Hopefully one day she will realize what she's doing before it's too late. But you do get to a point where you just have to quit trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn't reciprocate. It's just hurtful and confusing when it's your own family.

She drifted apart form you is what happened. It happens.

If it bothers you why dont you phone her and tell her exactly what you just posted here? You may or may not like the answer buit at least youll know why/what's going on.

Because she woudn't tell the truth. We've all said things before to her, like, "oh, I called you a few times. Didn't you get the messages?" And she'll say she never got them. It's just weird. All of us (my other siblings) don't know what's up with her.

Adria said:

rdhull said:

She drifted apart form you is what happened. It happens.

If it bothers you why dont you phone her and tell her exactly what you just posted here? You may or may not like the answer buit at least youll know why/what's going on.

Because she woudn't tell the truth. We've all said things before to her, like, "oh, I called you a few times. Didn't you get the messages?" And she'll say she never got them. It's just weird. All of us (my other siblings) don't know what's up with her.

Yes you do.

rdhull said:

Adria said:

Because she woudn't tell the truth. We've all said things before to her, like, "oh, I called you a few times. Didn't you get the messages?" And she'll say she never got them. It's just weird. All of us (my other siblings) don't know what's up with her.

Yes you do.

She doesn't want to be bothered.

Stymie said:

rdhull said:

Yes you do.

She doesn't want to be bothered.

bingo..at least not by her/them

I've done this myself, but not to family, Oh wait, yes I have. It is rude and insensitive, but if I'm depressed or angry, I don't want to be bothered. However, after I get myself together, I will call and apologize and just admit I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I remember years ago I didn't return calls to my brother, mother or father because I had been fired from a job and was too ashamed to let them know. I was extremely depressed. I finally got a call from my brother who left a voice message telling me that if I didn't call, he was coming to my house and knocking the door down because he was afraid something had happened to me. That made me call and fess up.

It seems like she's just inconsiderate if you all have a good relationship. Or maybe she's a ditz and just doesn't care or thinks your complaining is just talk.

I wouldn't boycott her wedding, but I sure as hell wouldn't buy any gifts. If you feel you must give something, give them money and let them buy what the hell they want. Damn knocking yourself out trying to choose something you think MIGHT please them. Better yet, give them each a card with the simple message, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!" No money or gift cards enclosed. That should send a good message.

After all the hoopla of the holidays and wedding is over, if she doesn't contact you to thank you or just to let you know what's happening, leave her alone. Don't call, don't text. Wait and see how long it will take her to call you. If she doesn't, that should speak volumes. Sister has moved on and you're

:

Nothinbutjoy said:

That's the rub right there! I don't want it to change me. If I don't like being treated like that, I don't want to treat someone like that, but I'm kind of at the point where in her case I'll make an exception.

Would it be going too far to just not go to the wedding?

And yep, it really does make me not like her very much right now.

Gotta love her, and go to the wedding she did invite you but if it were me I'd take the worrying about gifts down a notch or two, a giftcard, the ones you get while waiting in the grocery store register line, stick it in a generic card and call it a day, it would feel icky because it feels thoughtless, but the stressing is far worse and messes with those love emotions, but then that's me.

Shyra said:

I've done this myself, but not to family, Oh wait, yes I have. It is rude and insensitive, but if I'm depressed or angry, I don't want to be bothered. However, after I get myself together, I will call and apologize and just admit I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I remember years ago I didn't return calls to my brother, mother or father because I had been fired from a job and was too ashamed to let them know. I was extremely depressed. I finally got a call from my brother who left a voice message telling me that if I didn't call, he was coming to my house and knocking the door down because he was afraid something had happened to me. That made me call and fess up.

It seems like she's just inconsiderate if you all have a good relationship. Or maybe she's a ditz and just doesn't care or thinks your complaining is just talk.

I wouldn't boycott her wedding, but I sure as hell wouldn't buy any gifts. If you feel you must give something, give them money and let them buy what the hell they want. Damn knocking yourself out trying to choose something you think MIGHT please them. Better yet, give them each a card with the simple message, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!" No money or gift cards enclosed. That should send a good message.

After all the hoopla of the holidays and wedding is over, if she doesn't contact you to thank you or just to let you know what's happening, leave her alone. Don't call, don't text. Wait and see how long it will take her to call you. If she doesn't, that should speak volumes. Sister has moved on and you're

:

I feel you, been there too. But when it's family calling more than once, I gotta answer and say something.

And I agree with the rest of your post too.

I agree with everyone else about going to the wedding.

I think you should not take her distant attitude ( and her avoidance to you) personally. Seems like your younger sister is having issues of her own and you can not allow that to hurt you. I know you miss her and worry, but she doesn't want you to worry, she seems to just want to be left alone.

Leave her alone after the wedding and allow her to come to you. Focus on you and yours and when she is ready you can tell her how you feel. Hopefully sooner than later she will realize how much she is hurting her relationships.

For now, focus on going to that wedding and seeing the other folks you miss, and giftcards sounds like a good plan, if that, or a fugly lamp.